Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Greg (45364)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He says hes still in love with OW!
twillett333
♀ Member
Member # 42121
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He left today to go stay with a friend. Its something we both agreed on because we could both use some space right now. We talked this morning about some things and he said that hes still in "love" with her. He said once we move away the feelings should go away.
I dont know what i should do. Im too hurt to make any kind of decision right now. I do love him and want to work things out but is it even possible if he thinks he is in love with her still?


BS (me) 29
WH (him) 29
D-day January 14 ,2014
D-day #2 March 15, 2014
Married 9 years
Together for 11
Two children ages 7&2
Reconciling

*Finding my strength*


Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisiana
4everfaithful83
♀ Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry Twillett333. That really sucks and it must hurt a lot.

Have you read about the 180? I think you would benefit from it a lot. Focus on YOU.

I've read that its easy for the WS to feel they are in "luv" (not love!) with the AP because its not real. They don't deal with the real relationship stuff that come with a real relationship.

They say to give the WS what they want! I think they soon learn that every relationship takes work, and has the same struggles. The fairy tale eventually ends for them. And it isn't as exciting when its not a secret.

IMHO - If it was me, I'd personally tell him to fuck off. If he thinks he's in love with the OW then she can have him. How can he commit to R and NC with the OW if he thinks he's in love with her? Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me!!

He said that once you move away the feelings SHOULD go away?? That would worry me!! So if you didn't move, they wouldn't go away?

Sending you some strength today!

[This message edited by 4everfaithful83 at 12:38 PM, March 8th (Saturday)]


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
damnUnicorns
♀ Member
Member # 42691
Angry  Posted: 12:26 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No advice. .. But big sympathetic HUGS! I'm sure you need them...


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
Leia
♀ Member
Member # 42510
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((hugs)))

Please take 4everfaithful83's advice and read about the 180. I agree with her that it might help you. I know you are in this right now, and I'm no where near the end of this journey, but I do know that what I did implement with the 180 has worked for me. Please remember to take care of yourself--shower, eat, and keep a routine. That helps when dealing with these tough emotions.


"Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way." Princess Leia, Star Wars

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Kansas
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't wait around hoping he falls out of love with her. In your situation the only thing you can do is shock him out of it if he still wants to think of her that way. Many times the only way to save the marriage is to show him that you're willing to end the marriage. It's the ONLY way in your case.

It's hard and really hurts, but you need to keep your composure and be calm when you tell him. The more calm the better the effect. Hold your feelings in and go cry somewhere else...you car, the basement, drive down a dirt road somewhere and scream. But don't let him see you crying...ever.

"Look you told me you are still in love with her. I will not play three in my marriage. I do not trust you even if we move away right now and need to do what's best for me. You will move out and I will go see an attorney the first of next week. I will make you pay every penny of child support. I will not argue about this. You have 24 hours to make your decision and get your head out of your ass or you have lost me forever. There are no further discussions."

Then walk away...no crying, no pleading, no begging. Be in control of the conversation. Like you are scolding a 7th grader for not cleaning his room. Anything less then he will lose his respect further for you. Once the respect is gone, you've lost him and become plan B, which in his mind you are right now. He HAS to know you are serious. And if he doesn't come around you HAVE to follow up on your threats. This is difficult and I wish I had done this. Listen to us whom have lived it and learned from our mistakes. You cannot nice him back to the marriage...it doesn't work.

He went to get his space, not from you but so he could still see her. You do know that don't you?

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 6:26 PM, March 8th (Saturday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with SeanFLA to a point. I wouldn't give the 24 hours. I would shock him and force him to realize that his wife isn't waiting around hoping she is chosen. No, that's not happening.

What would I do if I were you?

Tell him that you have thought about this. Tell him you aren't happy with things right now, for obvious reasons, and that you have decided that some changes must be made in your life. And then say "I've decided that I will not be an option for my husband, ever. If that husband is you or someone else in the future, then it is, but I absolutely will not be an option. You have already destroyed the foundation that I've built my life on. Now, as if you haven't been selfish enough, you need to decide who it is you want. Well, I would like to remain married to you and give you the opportunity to help heal this marriage. If you aren't sure that is what you want, then I will not be an option. I am removing myself from this. If you change your mind and want to try to save your marriage and your relationship with me, then you must be commit 100%. Until you are, I will not spend one more minute focusing on 'us' because I want not part of an 'us' that includes 3 people. If you cannot say, after all that we have together, that you aren't committed, then I am done. I will move forward and begin preparing for divorce.

I will not spend time working on a marriage to a man that believes he is in love with someone else. I do not see OW as anything lovable, as she willingly breaks up families and thinks only of herself and her happiness. If you find that quality in someone lovable, then perhaps she is the woman for you after all.

If you move forward with OW, in any way, then the door to come back is closed, forever. I will not have in my life anyone that leaves it, has their version of 'fun', and thinks I will be here when it's over. I have more respect for myself than that, and you should too.

That is all I have to say. This is what I will accept. If you think I deserve less,than you aren't the man I thought you were, and I'm not interested in moving forward with you. If you realize that this marriage is what you want, that I am what you want, then we can discuss the possibility that it isn't too late. I won't know if it is or not until that time comes, and I won't spend time waiting for a day that may never come.

The ball is in your court. You come to me and tell me what you want, clearly, and that you are 100% positive this is what you want, and we will discuss the matter then. If you don't come to me with this realization, that is fine, because beginning now, I consider us headed for divorce, and will move in that direction until we are divorced. This will be my last discussion on this unless you initiate the discussion. I will not partake in discussions that involve you still wondering about your feelings for OW. I will not partake in discussions that involve your uncertainty about your feelings for me.

These are my final words on this matter. Good bye.


And then, don't call. Don't text. Don't email. Don't do anything that resembles reaching out unless it pertains to something completely outside of the relationship (kids, house items, etc).

Please, don't wait to be picked by your own husband. You're worth more than this. Don't accept being a part of your H's twisted idea of what a marriage is. You either are his wife or you're not.

(((((twillett333)))))


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said once we move away the feelings should go away.
When I read that I saw the huge red X buzzer from Family Feud. WRONG


Do exactly as SeanFLA and painful says. Find the strength inside of you to do it. It's the best chance to save your marriage.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can tell you that I did exactly what SeanFLA has advised you to do. My X chose the OW and we D.

It's incredibly difficult (the worst thing I'll ever go through in my life)... but when I read about false R on this site, I'm so glad that I did it. I'm healing so much faster and he didn't waste any more of my life with his bad character and indecision.

((hugs))


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

twillett,

A change in geography should not be able to change whether or not a person LOVES another.
That's just stupid!

If my husband dared to say such a thing to me..."that he still loved OW":
He'd find his crap in the yard in garbage bags, and I'd find MYSELF sitting in an attorney's office FILING FOR A DIVORCE immediately


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6133 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, let me guess. He loves both of you, right?

Here's the problem. In a marriage, you don't get to fall in love with another person. You don't get to sleep with them. You take an oath to forsake all others. We all know that. Some people, like your H and my xWW, think they're extra special. They get a chance to play by different rules, even if for awhile. But, they're wrong. When it is discovered that they are not playing by the rules, all hell breaks loose. They are trapped in a situation of being "in love" with two people. Now what?

Well, IMO, you can't ultimatum the love out of someone. If your H loves an OW, hey, maybe he loves her. So, what to do?

If your H is extremely remorseful, he might be lucky for you to give him another chance. Over time, and living in another area, his love for you could strengthen, and with hard work your H can possibly graduate from emotional Kindergarten and realize that even if he has some feelings for this OW or any other woman, marriage means being true to one other. ONE.

If your H is not extremely remorseful, well that's an entirely different story. That story ends less well.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 957 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry T, but him moving out is just green lighting him having his fun with the OW with no worries about lieing to you.

{{{hugs}}}

There is no way he is even remotely prepared to work on the marriage.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6582 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During the first affair, my husband rode the fence like that. He didn't pull his head out of his ass until I kicked him off it.

The conversations had been going back and forth with me telling him that our marriage would not get better separated and that he really needed to be a part of parenting his three children. He kept saying "I think I might love her." "I don't know if I want to be married anymore." and "I think I should move to my next duty station alone and you guys stay there." I begged, I pleaded, I cried. And then one evening, I decided I was done. I made plans with my kids the next morning to go to the beach. Right before we left, he called.

I said "It's not fair for you to expect me to wait around while you decide what you want so I've decided what I'm doing. I'm moving on with my life as if you aren't going to be a part of it. I won't shed another tear over this or allow this devastation to affect my parenting anymore. As of today, I am planning for you to move without us and I am letting go of you."

He said "I thought about it last night (yeah right) and I'm coming home. You're right, we can't work on the marriage with me living one place and you living another."

I said "Don't you even think about saying that to me and then going back to not being sure. You are either coming home or your not. If you change your mind again, I'm done with you for good."

He said "I won't change my mind."

He didn't. He came home and we all moved together. Unfortunately, we didn't really figure out the reasons for the affair until after the second one but that's a whole other story.

Sometimes, you just have to let them go for your own sanity and trust that you'll be okay either way.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4149 | Registered: Sep 2005
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 2:36 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many times the only way to save the marriage is to show him that you're willing to end the marriage.

^^^Absolutely!

On Dday I told my WH that if he did not like life with me he could get the f*^k out. Period. I repeated that phrase a number of times over the course of the first 2 years. The important part is... I meant it and he knew it. I would witness the panic in his eyes each time he listened to me say it and he would quickly reply that he did not want to leave.

3+ years out in successful R...Why? Because my WH wanted it more than I did.

Given that:

1) You want to work things out and remain M
AND
2) Your WH stated he is "still in love with OW"

I would not let him move out and stay with a friend. I would tell him that you have changed your mind and he can:

1) Move back home and work on the M.
OR
2)You will be seeking legal counsel in your quest for a D.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2123 | Registered: Nov 2011
Sad Petunia
♀ Member
Member # 26403
Default  Posted: 4:09 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

in my honest opinion you have to FIGHT FIGHT, FIGHT back. no way you should hand your husband to her so fast and easy. he fell in love with you first.


ME BS:43
HIM WH:46
Married: 18 years
Together: 24 years
2 children 16 and 13
D-day: 09-19-09
2nd D-day: 02-16-2010

Posts: 158 | Registered: Dec 2009
hope2014
♀ New Member
Member # 42707
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he is still in love with her, you have to decide what is best for you. My H similarly has continued his A even though I discovered it, confronted him about it, and have asked him whether he wants a divorce. While I love my husband and would like to reconcile, I cannot fix our R on my own. I've realized (very recently) that so long as the OW is in the picture there is not a R to fix. How can we possibly do the work and take the time necessary to fix our R, when the OW provides a seemingly safe out that does not have the same baggage as his wife of 15 years?

You are ultimately going to have to decide whether there is a R to fight for and whether you really want to fight for it. The initial feelings of betrayal, hurt, and devastation made me cling to him in the hopes that he would return to our R, which was not productive, helpful, and probably pushed him further away.

Take everything one day at a time. Question everything he says. Don't take whatever bullsh#$ that he is feeding you just because it makes you feel better at that moment.

Hang in there.

Hugs!


Me - BS; 35
Him - WH; 34
Married - 15 years
2 Kids - Agess 3 and 6
DDay - 2/26/14

Posts: 50 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Ohio
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I've decided that I will not be an option for my husband, ever. If that husband is you or someone else in the future, then it is, but I absolutely will not be an option. You have already destroyed the foundation that I've built my life on. Now, as if you haven't been selfish enough, you need to decide who it is you want.

I went this route on Dday. My willingness to end the M, saved me, and it saved the M as a byproduct of that.

You are second to none in your own M....and don't allow him to think otherwise.

If he wants to put you second or third (by even viewing the marital interloper as an option) say no! No time, no fence sitting, nothing. He is either in or out, and you shouldn't have to "wait to be chosen" because he was unable to fulfill his original commitment to you.

Now that you know, what he and she have known...YOU have the choice!

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 7:17 AM, March 9th (Sunday)]


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He isn't in love with her but in love with the attention she gave him.

Either way, I know it still hurts that he thinks he is. So sorry. Because I know that you are thinking if he thinks he loves her, than he doesn't love me. And you certainetly don't want him to be forced to fall "out of love" with her by causing distance. Do Not do this, or you will always wonder if he saw her again...would he be "in love" with her again. He needs to fall "out of love" with the attention first. He needs to choose you, not be forced to avert his eyes and hopefully forget.

The truth is: he doesn't love you right now. Whether it is the Noun or the Verb. He is not feeling that way for you. That shit hurts. So so sorry.

It is going to take a long time to work through that. Because after all...that is just proof that you are not what you want to be most of all. Loved and cherished.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would separate. It was Hell for me to stay with my husband and watch him "fall out of love" with his work whore. Honestly, you deserve better than that. He is YOUR husband, how dare he subject you to that. Watching him come out of the "fog" and the way he treated me after the affair was worse than the affair itself. It just caused more pain, more problems, and more estrangement.

I just wish I wasn't there to witness his "torment" or "drug withdrawal".

Because they are being emotional dumbasses, they are going to come across as being more tormented for losing the attention than for losing their family or marriage. They are also going to come across that they care more about the AP than you in an empathetic nature.

He is still taking you for granted and feeling safe with you. You need to shock him into reality.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Topic Posts: 18

Return to Forum: Just Found Out Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.