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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Time to Surrender
hope2014
♀ New Member
Member # 42707
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our marriage has been under stress for awhile. But the addition of the OW to the mix makes this much, much worse. Two weeks ago tomorrow was D-day. I confronted my H about several issues, including the inappropriate R with his married boss/OW. I had been suspicious about their relationship for awhile and my fears were confirmed. He has now made it clear that he is either unable or unwilling to choose between the two of us, which to me is a decision for her.

During the first week post-D Day, I was an emotional mess. I begged him to end the relationship. I couldn't stop crying. I lost 10 lbs in about 5 days because I couldn't eat due to the physical pain I was experiencing. Over the weekend, I wrote him a letter (at the recommendation of my therapist) outlining what I want, what I can and cannot support (including the R), and what his choices are. In response, he began emailing me. You see verbal communication with me is just to difficult. He needs time to process his feelings and the situation. There is little as distracting as receiving an emotionally laced emailed during your work day to really end your productivity.

Eventually, he agreed to go to marriage counseling and promised to stop seeing her. I optimistically viewed this as him choosing our marriage over the OW. I was wrong. During marriage counseling this week, he claimed to want the marriage, while being unwilling to give up the R with the OW. He also admitted that he was still having inappropriate contact with her.

Soon after, I became so angry. I realized the absurdity of this situation. He is having the affair and is a liar, but I moved out of the master suite. He is continuing the R, while I financially support him. He seems to be under the impressionism that I should be fighting for him - doing my best to be a good wife, dating him, etc. I'm not doing that. He is the one in the wrong in this situation. The bottom line is that I have held our family together over the past several years as we dealt with his inability to hold down a job. For him to reject me after all of this is a reflect of his own lack of integrity and moral failngs.

I contacted an attorney and began making plans for our next counseling session.

I recently came to the realization that I have to surrender him to his evil nature, to his selfish motivations, and to the OW. All the begging, crying, anger, etc. is pointless. All the little barbs and things are simply his way of trying to control me, to make him feel better. He is already out of this relationship. He's just too much of a coward to actually end it.

I met with the attorney yesterday and began taking steps to protect my assets and my kids. This coming Wednesday during our marriage counseling session I am going to ask him to leave the home. We will separate for 6 months to give each of us time to determine an appropriate resolution to dissolve our marriage. It is very difficult to wait until that time. But I have to be prepared. It is incredibly difficult to wait for this to occur. But it is necessary to ensure that I can calmly and unemotionally tell him to leave. I have written out what I want to tell him and just need to refine it over the next few days.

At the end of the day (when I'm feeling rationale), I realize that this A is not about me at all. It has everything to do with him and his issues - his insecurities, his desire to belittle me, etc. If he want to choose the R with his boss over me and my kids, he can do so. He set up his own path to self-destruction. I'm just going to surrender him to the path he has chosen. I will no longer be his safety net.

My biggest concern at this point is our kids (ages 3 and 6). They love their father and I do not want to interfere with that relationship. But it will be very hard for them when he no longer lives with us. It sucks that the kids and I will bear the wounds of his bad choices. We are not victims . But this coming week is going to be incredibly difficult as will the transition to being a single mom.


Me - BS; 35
Him - WH; 34
Married - 15 years
2 Kids - Agess 3 and 6
DDay - 2/26/14

Posts: 49 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Ohio
DTERMINED2SURVIV
♀ Member
Member # 42294
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI, im sorry your here though. At this point you seem like you have a great idea of what you want to do. I know how it feels to be a "safety net". Im glad to see you standing up for yourself, as you deserve much better then someone who cant choose. Personally, the A is bad enough but the "unable to choose" factor is a HUGE slap in the face. Im sure some more experienced people here will have some great advice for you, as im sort of new here too. You have my support as it seems youve thought this out pretty well!

(((hugs)))




Posts: 270 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Where theres lots of southern HOEspitality
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From where I sit this is not a surrender. Its not even close to one. To me you just dug in and started to fight back. The real war will come during the D proceedings. Be ready for it and don't take any shit because this his decision, not yours. A surrender would be for you to allow him to continue what he is doing and that's eating a big fucking piece of cake. Kuddos to you for standing up for what's right.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5612 | Registered: Nov 2007
shiloe
♀ Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hope2014

You deserve better. Wouldn't you rather be alone than be with someone that is cheating on you?

I would.

F.T.G. and his whore boss.

Is she married too?


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 587 | Registered: Mar 2003
hope2014
♀ New Member
Member # 42707
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good point on the surrender issue. I'm surrendering my attempts to control him and try to "fix" the situation. But surrendering does not mean I won't take steps to protect myself, my kids, and my assets! He has forgotten that he married a person who likes to plan and who manages all of the finances. I don't plan on unnecessarily screwing him over. But I'm not going to put up with his shi$ any longer. I suspect the OW will kick him to the curb pretty quickly once she realizes what a hot mess he really is. Then the question will be whether I am willing/able to take him back. I certainly won't let him come back easily.


Me - BS; 35
Him - WH; 34
Married - 15 years
2 Kids - Agess 3 and 6
DDay - 2/26/14

Posts: 49 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Ohio
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All the begging, crying, anger, etc. is pointless. All the little barbs and things are simply his way of trying to control me, to make him feel better. He is already out of this relationship. He's just too much of a coward to actually end it.

That's it, right there! I can so relate to this with my STBXW.

Whether your kids are going to have a good relationship with their father really depends entirely up to him. He'll begin to understand what a difficult position he put all of you in and it can only be concluded it was done through his selfish actions.

Stay strong.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 446 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just basing my comments off my own experience. I know you are in a lot of pain, as there is nothing worse than a foggy wayward. My H said things I will never forget, although we can laugh at them (sort of) now. You wrote:

He seems to be under the impressionism that I should be fighting for him - doing my best to be a good wife, dating him, etc. I'm not doing that. He is the one in the wrong in this situation.

Hmmm. I have mixed feelings about this. While I support you doing what is best for you and your kids, and I do not think anyone should be a doormat for a cheating spouse, sometimes what cheating spouses are really looking for in an affair, is the feeling that they matter.

As the years go by, and we get busy, we often drift apart, so waywards go looking for someone that makes them feel special. Is it right? No - of course not, it is a terrible and hurtful strategy. But my guess is that your husband is grasping at trying to figure out what will best meet his needs (and right now he is literally, not in his right mind), and if it becomes this big power struggle, then no one wins. You can't "nice" him back, please don't think I mean that, and in some cases the 180 works, but what worked for me, is telling my H that I would fight for my family, that I expected NC and MC, and that if in 6 months to a year he still felt like he couldn't be happy with me, then I'd let him go.

My feeling is that if you feel there is still a good man somewhere in there, that he still has potential to be a good husband, and a good dad, and you want to keep your family intact, that you actually fight like hell. Have good boundaries, kick him out of the master bedroom, have your financial and legal ducks in a row, but set up MC and keep going -- have him read "Not Just Friends," and you read it, too. You told him what you want in the letter, but you need to tell him how you feel. It may not sink in at first, but many, many waywards have defogged from the kind of situation you are describing.

Your husband is in crisis -- this is not a competition between you and the AP - she was just convenient, and in the end won't matter anyway. The chances of him making it work with her in the long run are somewhere around 5%. What he is suffering from is more like an addiction than love, although it is hard to see this at first, for both him and for you.

I don't know what kind of person he is, but there is something to be said for getting educated about affairs, fighting like hell, and if he, in the end, makes the wrong decision -- well, you did the best you could. And, if you have concerns about him as a husband even pre-A, and this is just a way to end the marriage, then that is legitimate as well.

Good luck - we are all pulling for you.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:51 AM, March 8th (Saturday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1886 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hope2014...

All I can say is your attitude, your values, the thoughts and actions you take..

Are most quality

Peace will come with quality..


Posts: 2672 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
jpumpkin
♀ Member
Member # 42148
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's one thing to fight for the marriage if your WS gives you NC with AP and meets you half way. I could be wrong, but the OP WS seems to be outright refusing stop the relationship with OW. She's basically supporting him while he openly cheats. (that's what I got from her post). I think she's taking the right steps in showing this type of WS that he can't cake eat. This is different from a WS who isn't happy but is willing to try with the betrayed spouse.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Jan 2014
Alottolose
♀ New Member
Member # 42434
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I commend you for your bravery. I wish that I had your courage!


BW
Him: BH
DD1: 7/12 EA
DD2: 1/14 EA, possible PA same OW
3 kids
In R

Posts: 25 | Registered: Feb 2014
hope2014
♀ New Member
Member # 42707
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for the support. As far as fighting for my marriage, I would love to do so. We started MC last week, but it seems like he only agreed to go to appease me. The affair is continuing and until it stops there is nothing to fight for except my sanity, my kids, and my future. If he stops the A and demonstrates that it has stopped in four ways (1: I get access to all online accounts; 2: he unfriends and blocks her from FB; 3: he quits his job; and 4: NC), I would be happy to fight for the marriage. But these requirements are basic, pre-requisites to us moving forward.

He admits that he is depressed and he feels unloved. I get depression. I've been there and have been medicated in the past for it. But I didn't have an affair. As for feeling unloved that is a two-way street. The last 18 months have been completely awful for us for a variety of reasons. This did not pull us closer together. We did not really lean on each other for support. I faced the issues and addressed them. He looked for answers outside of the marriage, which is simply not acceptable.


Me - BS; 35
Him - WH; 34
Married - 15 years
2 Kids - Agess 3 and 6
DDay - 2/26/14

Posts: 49 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Ohio
hope2014
♀ New Member
Member # 42707
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shiloe . . . Yes, the OP is married. I do not know her H though and have not been able to reach out to him to let him know what is going on. Though I have been tempted to let her boss know since she is my H's boss, which could create all sorts of legal issues for the company. But I don't want to be unnecessarily vindictive.


Me - BS; 35
Him - WH; 34
Married - 15 years
2 Kids - Agess 3 and 6
DDay - 2/26/14

Posts: 49 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Ohio
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds to me like you are doing everything right, and in the midst of such shattering pain. I too wish I had your courage.

Sorry have to go through any of this, you are a strong person though and will someday be better than ever.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been tempted to let her boss know since she is my H's boss, which could create all sorts of legal issues for the company. But I don't want to be unnecessarily vindictive.

This is not vindictive. This is called a consequence of both of their actions. I do hope that you keep trying to find the BH to let him know. Exposing the A at work can be tricky. While it is likely to cause the OW to throw your WH under the bus to try to save her job, it also figures into him losing his job and potentially getting more spousal support from you down the line.

Since you are seeing a lawyer, and BTW, I applaud you for doing that very sensible thing, is it possible to ask the lawyer for sole use of the house starting immediately? If you're able to present that as a done deal during your next MC session, you need not "ask" him to leave he will be legally required to. Just a thought.

And you are completely correct in two instances. 1) you were both in the same stressful marriage and only one of you decided to go seek another sexual/emotional partner, and 2) any answer from him other than "I commit to you and the children and I will do anything to earn my way back into the family again"" is a NO, I chose to continue the A answer.

(((hugs))) Come back often for support. We're all here for you.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4724 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Hosea
♂ Member
Member # 42422
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hope2014:

Like everybody else here, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. The affair itself is agonizing-- but the fact that you've been the one fighting to save the marriage while he resists, it just makes it that much more painful.

That you are hitting this head-on, not shrinking or trying to bargain, is a real testament to your strength as a spouse and parent.

I hope, when your Husband's Affair Fog clears, he realizes just how horrible a mistake he made in betraying you and your kids. And if he doesn't, that you find a man worthy of your strength and dedication...


John 8:10-11: "Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Did they not condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”


Posts: 106 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 15

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