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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Has anyone thought about revenge ons or acted on it?
crosby33
♂ New Member
Member # 42655
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has any of you thought about having a revenge ONS or acted on it? It comes up so much like I feel if I do it it will equal out my pain and anger and I can move on. Am I just not thinking straight?

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2014
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think your mind is a little foggy on this. A revenge ONS might make you feel like things are even but there is double the pain in both of you at that point. Ones that I know have gone that path have regretted it. There is a struggle within them to forgive themselves for what they did. Trying to find value in themselves because they have this huge cloud of shame they no carry with them. In my opinion you are just adding more hurt and pain to try and deal with.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52674 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
damnUnicorns
♀ Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've sure thought about it.... But it's just not something I have in me. Why lower my morality just because someone else didn't have any?
...But it's hard not to think about when I know my WH is with the OW & I'm sitting home hurt & lonely.
Hugs to you. I'm Sorry you are hurting & this is even something you've had to contemplate.

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 10:20 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two wrongs make a _____.

Fill in the blank.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From my experience on SI, revenge affairs (RA) don't improve anything. An RA will not quell your anger and will only bring the added pain of guilt. I can't think of any situation that was improved by an RA, but I have seen it put the final nail in the coffin for marriages.

There is also the hypocritical aspects of an RA. You must willing to believe it is Ok to cheat on your spouse under certain circumstances, which is the kind of thinking that drove your WS to cheat.

Am I just not thinking straight?

It's difficult for most BS's to think straight this close to D-day. I do understand how much you are hurting, but there are far more constructive ways to deal with your suffering than an RA. This is where a good IC, that understands infidelity, can be of tremendous help.

So sorry for what you are going through.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 2:43 AM, March 8th (Saturday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
Chicky
♀ Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thought about it? YES

Acted on it? NO

Goes totally against my moral fiber, not to mention it would make me no better than him.

[This message edited by Chicky at 11:19 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough.

Posts: 558 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yeah for sure it has crossed my mind. I had one planned out but realized that this will not make things even. My wife wouldn't feel the pain I felt because she'd expect something like this. There is no compensation that could ever make things even between us. I choose not to do hunks because I have honor.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Credence
♂ Member
Member # 42682
Default  Posted: 3:11 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crosby33, in a way I think you already know the answer.
You are in an emotionally complex situation that really doesn't need any additional complexity. You should focus on your relationship now with the objective being to either R or end it. Your aim should be to bring her up to your level and not to stoop to hers. The standards that you expect of her should certainly apply to you too otherwise, if you R, you will have no legitimate boundaries when it comes to infidelity If you have a ONS you will almost certainly regret it.

I'm sure most of us have thought about a ONS to get back at our WS, hell in my post d-day haze I even considered doing it with one of her best friends so that she could feel the pain of betrayal - I wanted to hurt her as much as she had hurt me. Alas, I came to my senses and I am so glad that I did because I haven't compromised my morals and I haven't sunk to her level of depravity.

Sorry you're here.


If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got

Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought about it to show her the pain and maybe shock her into reality, truth and whatever else.

I think it gives the WS much more leverage. It kind of takes them off the hook for what they did. It might then turn into a you did it too thing.

I think right now you need to get to the bottom of why you wife did what she did and is there a chance of this continuing or happening again.


Posts: 4113 | Registered: Jun 2002
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Credence is right. Plus, she would know it was done for revenge, which would lessen the impact. There's no evening the score this way.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 954 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I honestly can't think of anything that would make me feel worse.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8848 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You aren't thinking straight.

If having a ONS isn't something you would have done before her A why would it be ok to do now? Now you are both cheaters. Not sure how that would be a solution to anything.

Many BSs consider it and thankfully most realize the thoughts come from the pain and anger they feel and they don't follow through. It's a natural thought to have when you've been cheated on but that doesn't mean it's a good idea.

The others are right. It's adds pain to all.

If you are still unsure look for the madhatters here on SI and read their threads. You'll see how much the both of them being cheaters "helped" their relationships.

eta~ You having a ONS will most certainly not get you what you need and that's a remorseful wife. You should be getting tough with her regarding her rugsweeping.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 10:32 AM, March 8th (Saturday)]


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1896 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
hecheatedonme
♀ New Member
Member # 42710
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am right on the cusp of this right now. I want to do it so badly. I want the pain to go away, even for a minute. I want to escape. I haven't lied about it. I've told him since D day he will never understand unless he lives it. But even so, it isn't about him. It's about escape. I have until Friday to make the ultimate decision.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2014
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you reverse the situation and imagine that you betrayed your spouse, and then imagine your BS telling you that they were going to go and have a ONS. Wouldn't it kind of make you feel a bit better, as the WS? Wouldn't you feel less bad and feel like the score was now a bit more even?

Would you like that outcome?


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 954 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
BPhoenix
♀ New Member
Member # 42547
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've thought about it, he even said he would understand if I did go through with it and that our might make both of us feel a little better.
Honestly though, even though I want so badly to "even the score" some what, I don't think a RA can help me feel better. I don't even know if anything can lessen this pain.


I don't know what's right for you but sometimes we need to be the ones to continue showing proper behavior as an example for them. We are the faithful and we shouldn't have to stoop to their level to feel good about ourselves.


Me - BS 28
Him- WH 28 (TheBatCave)
1 amazing 5yr old
DDay 2/6/14 TT still going on:


Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: East coast
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to LOL at my auto correct! I said "I choose not to do hunks". That would be a problem if I was wanting to.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
scarednbroken
♀ Member
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. I never thought about it.

Do not lower your standards. Besides being the upright person you are you will feel worse I'm sure.

(Edit: bad me...)

[This message edited by scarednbroken at 10:47 PM, March 8th (Saturday)]


BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought about it, but to be honest the thought of getting involved with another woman just seems like a lot of headache. Sorry ladies. Nothing personal. It's just the thought of getting into a relationship sounds like more emotional work. I'm just tired of it.

Yeah, a ONS isn't a relationship. but I can't really do that. I can't really bang someone and then just forget about them. The only women I'd want to have sex with are ones that I like and am interested in. So I guess I'm pretty much a relationship guy.

Think about it. You just had a great evening with a cool woman, you bang her. And then in the morning you never call her again? ever? Sounds pretty fucked up to me. People who have ONS are kind of gross IMO.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 18

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