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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Should I believe WW
crosby33
♂ New Member
Member # 42655
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In therapy she talked about her ONS a month ago. She said she doesn't remember all the details but said it was like a fog lifted and she started crying during it and stopped. She says she is traumatized by the event and does not want to think about it. When it is brought up I can see the pain in her face and eyes. But let's face it, she was aroused to let it happen to begin with. But should I believe her that this action has now become a traumatic event for her?

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2014
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well normally we SI folk have a tendency to be slightly cynical but in your case your wife's account may well be true. Have their been other affairs or suspicious activity? Did she confess? Is she remorseful? Eager to reconcile?

Really only you can judge, since you have this extra information.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am very cynical when it comes to the subject of the WW seemingly forgetting things that anyone would remember.

No, I do not believe it was traumatic at the time.

How did you find out about the ONS?

Who was it with?

And was she gone all night long and where did this occur?

I believe getting caught is sort of traumatic, but that would not suddenly cause a person to forget details. And only a month ago, no way could a person forget so much.

The crying is most likely just because she cannot believe she ever did this. When she recounts what she did, it is like she is describing another person's events.

I will never believe all of the I dont know and I dont remember answers that I have gotten.

If she can't remember what color socks she was wearing, I could believe that. But beyond that no.

And aroused really has nothing to do with forgetting. She might not have even been aroused. What reason did she give for this ONS anyway...if she has?


Posts: 3717 | Registered: Jun 2002
crosby33
♂ New Member
Member # 42655
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No there was no other affairs, all of a sudden here additude changed and everything was chaos with her. After that event she snapped out of it and could not believe who she was, so I am told. She is remorseful and eager to reconcile. She did not stay the night she actually came home after event, she said she cried all the way home.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2014
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did she admit this to you and if so when, how long after.

Did you see her when she got home and did it look like she was crying.

How did she meet this OM?

The part about crying all the way home, my wife said the same thing.

Sometimes, the details matter. But I still do not believe in so many I dont remember answers.

Are there questions you are asking her and she tells you she doesnt remember.


Posts: 3717 | Registered: Jun 2002
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I'm always cynical of the lies cheaters tell, I was actually thinking that just perhaps maybe your wife HAD told you something close to the truth.

But then I read your prior thread about a marathon session with your therapist and you mention that your wife was involved with this creep online and with texting, etc. etc. etc.

Sorry.

All bets are now off.

What she's trying to do is not take accountability for her crap behavior. You see men trying to pull this a lot now - claiming they're 'sex addicts' whent hey're caught with their pants down. Since the sex addict excuse doesn't work well for women, she's decided to employ the 'temporary insanity' excuse. What a crock of hogwash.

She'd actually have you believe that during sex with this guy, the smoke suddenly cleared, the veil of fog lifted, the sun came out and reality exploded all around her, causing her to shut down what they were doing?

Look, MANY, MANY decisions had to be made before she found herself in bed with this guy. Many lines had to be crossed, lies had to be told, plans had to be made, arrangments had to be worked out, schedules had to coincide, personal 'maintenance' had to be done (shaving, waxing, showering, etc. etc. etc.), and the list just goes on and on.

No doubt, we've all heard of women being hurt or upset or drunk or whatever and making stupid decisions to have sex with someone and then getting all crazy in the middle of it and calling it off.

But that's NOT what your wife did.

Everything was calculated and planned and I don't believe she stopped in the middle of it, either.

Tell her to own her shit.



.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 11:13 AM, March 7th (Friday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1677 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Taku
♂ Member
Member # 6806
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People screw up. A woman may have a ONS for any number of reasons, most of which have nothing to do with you. It is possible to screw up, realize what you have done, feel incredible, disorienting remorse and learn from that experience.

You have a window here to heal the damage and what you both do matters. Don't truncate the potential for healing and growth by being overly cynical and hammering her relentlessly if she is doing the right things. You can both get through this and come out the other side better. Hard as it is to believe right now there are worse things that can happen than having someone you love and are devoted to have sex with someone else, once.

That said, trust but verify. My WW told almost noting but plausible lies for months and revealed the truth only when she had no choice. All the signs were there but I was in denial. So look for all the indications, there are great posts here on the behaviors that signal the end of your marriage, observe but allow her the possibility of growth and healing if she is doing the right things.

You can both get through this and be better on the other end. But if she lies and refuses to give you what you need to recover be decisive and firm in your resolve and do what is necessary to protect yourself emotionally and financially.


Man creates the evil he endures. Robert Southey

Posts: 1680 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Alaska
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to add this, to get the WW to tell the truth, you have to make it safe for them to be totally open and honest.

And that means do not blow up, threatening divorce at every new truth etc.

The WW has to know that she can tell you the entire truth without it blowing up in her face. The choice to D or R is still yours, but you have to make it so the WW feels she can be honest.

Finding out the why she did this in the first place is important so it doesnt happen again. But if says she cant even remember doing it...

I did not read your previous posts about the texting, I will try and find it now.


Posts: 3717 | Registered: Jun 2002
5454real
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Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey brother, sorry you had to join us. from what you are describing, I have a rather direct question. was she a victim of childhood sexual abuse? she may not even view it as abuse. did she began having sex in her early teens?

a lot of what you're describing is eerily familiar. another question, what are her memories from early childhood? I have more, but I will try to get to my laptop later in the day.

short answer, there are occasions where memory will be heavily impacted. if the above conditions are present, she very well may have compartmentalized a lot of this and really does not remember.

strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2683 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
bluewater
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Member # 9297
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She says she is traumatized by the event and does not want to think about it

She wasn't traumatized when she was in and enjoying her EA.

She wasn't traumatized when she met him in person and did what ever she did with him.

She wasn't traumatized when she was lying to you.

For what it is worth I think she was traumatized by you finding out. And of course she doesn't want to think about it because that would entail her looking at and owning what she did to you, your marriage and your family. And now she just wants it to all disappear and for everything to go back to the way it was. That is what is referred to as rug sweeping.

Oh and I wonder who has more suffered more trauma as a result of her infidelity? You or her?

Personally I call bull-sh*t.


Posts: 489 | Registered: Jan 2006
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could be she had the EA and the physical event was a disaster? Not loving and emotional but crude and direct; no finesse and over in seconds. A huge disappointment.

In that case I could imagine her thinking "I risked my whole marriage for this?" Followed by a quick exit and an end to both the EA and PA. Now she sees that affairs can cost you everything of value and realizes that what she got is pretty good after all.

Thats not really traumatic but is more believable than the light suddenly dawning on her half way through the sex act. I can also see that her claiming she saw sense before the act was completed is much more 'acceptable' to you than confessing that the OM was a disastrous lover.

I suppose you need to concentrate on her genuine remorse as the important issue, not why she was disappointed by the PA.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She says she is traumatized by the event and does not want to think about it.

I call bullshit except for the part about her not wanting to think about it.

There are 2 main reasons people forget things.
1-it wasn't an important detail
2-it was long ago

Now what she considers important might be different than you. For instance if you ask what they talked about before screwing, she might not think it was important enough thing to remember but it could mean so much to you because of how painful the situation is for you.

She remembers details of screwing this guy and her "pain" is guilt and shame. The only thing that was traumatic for her was getting caught. She really believed that would never happen.

News flash for her. If she plans on staying married to you she's going to have to work through everything and talk about it all as much as you want to.

You should start a hard 180 and seriously consider kicking her out unless she agrees to your list of minimums. If you don't have a list you should make one and present it to her. The list should include things like IC for her, full access to passwords and all devices, her writing a timeline, being completely truthful when you ask questions, sending a NC letter if you feel her to, etc.

She's making excuses and showing you that your pain doesn't matter. She's still got her head up her ass. Right now she isn't capable of R. She's still lying to you, so no you shouldn't trust her.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1311 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
FeelingMN
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Member # 32240
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Until you begin to see some pattern of truth I would equate "I don't know/I don't remember" to "I don't want to tell you." Until she proves she is trustworthy she deserves none and should expect none.

Craig2001 is on the money when he says don't blow up. If you want answers and openness your role is to make that place safe for her. This was especially hard for me, I asked a lot of questions because I needed to know but didn't handle the answers well and that made things difficult.

I would be wary of the crying too. I went through a lot of that and it serves a couple of purposes. 1. It is a show of remorse/guilt 2. It can be a grab for sympathy to shift the focus from what she did to you to look at how bad she feels. Remember that it isn't about her right now.


Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 266 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, let's all call bullshit on this one. It's embarrassing for her to think about it BECAUSE SHE GOT CAUGHT!
Unless she was raped, she doesn't get to play the victim. Before you know it, you'll be blaming yourself. Nope, it's not an "event", it called screwing around with another guy, and that's putting it politely.
Traumatized my ass.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crosby - I am somewhat confused,

I went and read your other posts, and you say that you already know all of the details about the physical part of this, because you read them in text messages.

That tells me your wife continued to text the OM after the ONS physical part. If she was so traumatized by the sexual part and crying all the way home, why was she texting him again after the ONS?

What does your wife say she doesn't remember.


Posts: 3717 | Registered: Jun 2002
stronger08
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Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seems to me she has a select case of amnesia. This was not a drunken ONS, this was an OLA that became sexual. There was much premeditation on her part to actually meet and have sex with another man. To boot she lied to you about it being physical and you had to get to the truth yourself via the text messages. Now that she has no wiggle room and your in MC she claims to not remember. I call bullshit on this one. This is classic conflict avoidance IMHO. Ask yourself this question. If you has not caught her would she have told you ? I think not and whatever happened the night she met OM she is trying to minimize. I honestly believe that people can make bad decisions, I also think that if they are serious about not repeating them they will have the courage to change themselves. You cant force her to do this. She must willingly take the shots and move forward. But before any of that happens she must be honest, not only with you but herself as well. You say she has remorse yet from where I sit it sounds more like regret. Big difference between the two my man. Bottom line is that before you can R there must be true remorse. And before she can experience true remorse she must be truthful. I don't think she is there yet. That's just my .02 cents.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5593 | Registered: Nov 2007
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