Really only you can judge, since you have this extra information.
No, I do not believe it was traumatic at the time.
How did you find out about the ONS?
Who was it with?
And was she gone all night long and where did this occur?
I believe getting caught is sort of traumatic, but that would not suddenly cause a person to forget details. And only a month ago, no way could a person forget so much.
The crying is most likely just because she cannot believe she ever did this. When she recounts what she did, it is like she is describing another person's events.
I will never believe all of the I dont know and I dont remember answers that I have gotten.
If she can't remember what color socks she was wearing, I could believe that. But beyond that no.
And aroused really has nothing to do with forgetting. She might not have even been aroused. What reason did she give for this ONS anyway...if she has?
Did you see her when she got home and did it look like she was crying.
How did she meet this OM?
The part about crying all the way home, my wife said the same thing.
Sometimes, the details matter. But I still do not believe in so many I dont remember answers.
Are there questions you are asking her and she tells you she doesnt remember.
But then I read your prior thread about a marathon session with your therapist and you mention that your wife was involved with this creep online and with texting, etc. etc. etc.
All bets are now off.
What she's trying to do is not take accountability for her crap behavior. You see men trying to pull this a lot now - claiming they're 'sex addicts' whent hey're caught with their pants down. Since the sex addict excuse doesn't work well for women, she's decided to employ the 'temporary insanity' excuse. What a crock of hogwash.
She'd actually have you believe that during sex with this guy, the smoke suddenly cleared, the veil of fog lifted, the sun came out and reality exploded all around her, causing her to shut down what they were doing?
Look, MANY, MANY decisions had to be made before she found herself in bed with this guy. Many lines had to be crossed, lies had to be told, plans had to be made, arrangments had to be worked out, schedules had to coincide, personal 'maintenance' had to be done (shaving, waxing, showering, etc. etc. etc.), and the list just goes on and on.
No doubt, we've all heard of women being hurt or upset or drunk or whatever and making stupid decisions to have sex with someone and then getting all crazy in the middle of it and calling it off.
But that's NOT what your wife did.
Everything was calculated and planned and I don't believe she stopped in the middle of it, either.
Tell her to own her shit.
[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 11:13 AM, March 7th (Friday)]
You have a window here to heal the damage and what you both do matters. Don't truncate the potential for healing and growth by being overly cynical and hammering her relentlessly if she is doing the right things. You can both get through this and come out the other side better. Hard as it is to believe right now there are worse things that can happen than having someone you love and are devoted to have sex with someone else, once.
That said, trust but verify. My WW told almost noting but plausible lies for months and revealed the truth only when she had no choice. All the signs were there but I was in denial. So look for all the indications, there are great posts here on the behaviors that signal the end of your marriage, observe but allow her the possibility of growth and healing if she is doing the right things.
You can both get through this and be better on the other end. But if she lies and refuses to give you what you need to recover be decisive and firm in your resolve and do what is necessary to protect yourself emotionally and financially.
And that means do not blow up, threatening divorce at every new truth etc.
The WW has to know that she can tell you the entire truth without it blowing up in her face. The choice to D or R is still yours, but you have to make it so the WW feels she can be honest.
Finding out the why she did this in the first place is important so it doesnt happen again. But if says she cant even remember doing it...
I did not read your previous posts about the texting, I will try and find it now.
a lot of what you're describing is eerily familiar. another question, what are her memories from early childhood? I have more, but I will try to get to my laptop later in the day.
short answer, there are occasions where memory will be heavily impacted. if the above conditions are present, she very well may have compartmentalized a lot of this and really does not remember.
She says she is traumatized by the event and does not want to think about it
She wasn't traumatized when she was in and enjoying her EA.
She wasn't traumatized when she met him in person and did what ever she did with him.
She wasn't traumatized when she was lying to you.
For what it is worth I think she was traumatized by you finding out. And of course she doesn't want to think about it because that would entail her looking at and owning what she did to you, your marriage and your family. And now she just wants it to all disappear and for everything to go back to the way it was. That is what is referred to as rug sweeping.
Oh and I wonder who has more suffered more trauma as a result of her infidelity? You or her?
Personally I call bull-sh*t.
In that case I could imagine her thinking "I risked my whole marriage for this?" Followed by a quick exit and an end to both the EA and PA. Now she sees that affairs can cost you everything of value and realizes that what she got is pretty good after all.
Thats not really traumatic but is more believable than the light suddenly dawning on her half way through the sex act. I can also see that her claiming she saw sense before the act was completed is much more 'acceptable' to you than confessing that the OM was a disastrous lover.
I suppose you need to concentrate on her genuine remorse as the important issue, not why she was disappointed by the PA.
She says she is traumatized by the event and does not want to think about it.
I call bullshit except for the part about her not wanting to think about it.
There are 2 main reasons people forget things.
1-it wasn't an important detail
2-it was long ago
Now what she considers important might be different than you. For instance if you ask what they talked about before screwing, she might not think it was important enough thing to remember but it could mean so much to you because of how painful the situation is for you.
She remembers details of screwing this guy and her "pain" is guilt and shame. The only thing that was traumatic for her was getting caught. She really believed that would never happen.
News flash for her. If she plans on staying married to you she's going to have to work through everything and talk about it all as much as you want to.
You should start a hard 180 and seriously consider kicking her out unless she agrees to your list of minimums. If you don't have a list you should make one and present it to her. The list should include things like IC for her, full access to passwords and all devices, her writing a timeline, being completely truthful when you ask questions, sending a NC letter if you feel her to, etc.
She's making excuses and showing you that your pain doesn't matter. She's still got her head up her ass. Right now she isn't capable of R. She's still lying to you, so no you shouldn't trust her.
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Craig2001 is on the money when he says don't blow up. If you want answers and openness your role is to make that place safe for her. This was especially hard for me, I asked a lot of questions because I needed to know but didn't handle the answers well and that made things difficult.
I would be wary of the crying too. I went through a lot of that and it serves a couple of purposes. 1. It is a show of remorse/guilt 2. It can be a grab for sympathy to shift the focus from what she did to you to look at how bad she feels. Remember that it isn't about her right now.
I went and read your other posts, and you say that you already know all of the details about the physical part of this, because you read them in text messages.
That tells me your wife continued to text the OM after the ONS physical part. If she was so traumatized by the sexual part and crying all the way home, why was she texting him again after the ONS?
What does your wife say she doesn't remember.