We've been back together for close to 2 years now. Things are mostly good. We don't ever talk about the A anymore (his choice). Because of that, I can't give him this letter, though I'd like to:
Today marks 4 years since what is likely the worst day of both of our lives.
I am deeply, profoundly sorry for the pain I inflicted on you by my unfaithfulness. I think about it every day. I think of how devastated you were. I think of how I interrupted our entire life...put a halt on all our dreams and plans...wasted years of your time. I think of how past girlfriends cheated on you and how I just further reinforced your mistrust and cynicism toward women and relationships.
The truth is, I wouldn't have done to my worst enemy what I did to you. When I think about it that way, it really hits home how vile my cheating was.
Somehow, you found a way to forgive and a willingness to be together again. I don't know how you did it---I can only hope to someday attain that level of strength, compassion, and love.
Our relationship is very different than it was. Of course there is the stain of adultery---but there are other, more positive differences. Our relationship is more balanced and equal. We don't have the passionate highs of our past, but nor do we have the passive-aggressiveness or the petty arguments. We still have things to work through but I'm optimistic that we can do it together. I want nothing more than for our relationship to be everything we always wanted it to be.
Four years ago today, we were going through hell---one that I created. Today, we are further on the road to healing than I ever would have thought possible back then.
*a term of endearment between us
[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 10:07 PM, March 6th (Thursday)]
Married 2.5 years
Reconciled after divorce
"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"
I wonder if your BH isn't thinking about the day and wondering what you are thinking, if you remembered, how you feel. I believe very few BS ever forget D-Day, no matter how much we try.
I hope you do too!
I honestly don't know if he remembers the date. He doesn't remember his mom's birthday or the date his father died, and he's admitted that if our wedding date hadn't been his ATM pin, he might not have remembered that either.
I'm afraid to ask him if he remembered, though, given how irritated he got 2 years ago when I reminded him of the antiversary of our divorce. He said, ironically enough, almost word-for-word what your WH said..."Why would you want to remember/remind me of something so negative?"
I so wish and hope that if these things are on his mind, he would talk to me about it (or at least allow me to talk about it without getting angry). But since he's a champion stonewaller, I doubt that's ever going to happen.
Floridaredman, thanks. Your posts have been very helpful to me as I've navigated this mess I made.
Fooled.. my H says the same thing. He doesn't understand why I give a second thought to that antiversary.
Peace and healing to you as your 4-year anti approaches. ((()))
I hope so too. Thank you. Yours is always a calming and helpful voice.
[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 9:12 PM, March 7th (Friday)]
I really loved your letter, and it sounds so heartfelt. It is one of those letters where I, as a BS, see that you really get it and why, for me, I would love to have that from my WH.