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User Topic: Is it Okay for me to Ask?
♀ Member
Member # 41969
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After reading everyone's posts, I realize that I have been making a lot of mistakes. I have been putting myself and my needs first. I thought I was being supportive, but I was only invalidating myBS. I owe him a huge apology.

Me: WS 26. 4 year EA and PA.
Him: BS (MercifulH) 27.
D-day 1/3/14.
Separated heading to D :(

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

at some point he has to help himself.

This is absolutely true. But that point is not two months out.

Please develop some compassion. Please attempt to put yourself in your BS shoes.

Imo, your post is about you at a time when things should be totally about your BS. If you have been lucky enough to have been given the gift of an R attempt, I hope you can appreciate it for what it is.

A gift.

Good luck.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
confused girl
♀ Member
Member # 10649
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is from The Healing Library. I found it to be fairly accurate in my own healing. As a BS, I was relieved to find that it was normal for it to take as long as it was taking me.

In my own personal healing journey, I found I couldn't really heal until our reconciliation was longer than the length of time of the affair. I don't know why that was important to me, but it was.

Q: How Long Will It Take Me To Heal From This? Submitted by Really Trying

A: There is no set time line. On the average it's 1-2 years to heal from betrayal. 3-5 years is not out of the norm. Below is a general guide, not everyone heals in the same amount of time as others, there are variables to consider in each individual's situation. It's a rollercoaster ride, emotionally and physically, but I promise you - you can and will survive. But, you will never be the same and that's not always a bad thing. D-day to 6 months is devastation; you're done with life, in shock and sick at heart. You are raw emotionally and never knew such despair could be felt.

6-9 months are full of mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "Why am I even trying." Your thoughts are emotion driven and not dependable.

9-12 months you can actually go about 15 minutes without thinking about "it." One morning I stepped out of the shower and realized that I hadn't thought of the affair yet. But sadly, those times were few and far between. You're still up and down emotionally.

Then at 12 months, sobbing again with the disappointment in your spouses selfishness

14 months you are able to have a heartfelt happy moment.

18 months the incredible crush of despair is gone. You wake up one morning and realize that the A was something that happened, not something that is happening.

20 months you no longer feel like your world is in danger. Trusting again, with your heart if not with your brain. Constantly questioning your own feelings but you realize it is fear stalking you now, not danger.

22 months you can see a future. You don't cry at the drop of a hat. You can watch television without falling apart at a love scene. Actually feeling almost back to your normal self. You finally loose that sense of being "outside" yourself. The phases can trick you, you think you're doing great at five weeks and then you hit the bottom of the well at 12 weeks. You can be raging at 10 months with a horrible anger that never appeared early on.

Love always hopes.

Posts: 1382 | Registered: May 2006
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all for the advice. I am trying to be patient, but I know I'm probably not being as patient as I should. I spent a lot of time last night re-examining my behavior, and I think I have been pushing too hard for a commitment from him. When I look at it, I know I'm acting out of fear.

Hi Neveragain,

I know after this you stated you realized you're putting your needs first, and it's great that you've realized this. I just wanted to give a few comments that may make you stick with that realization.

Gently, what you're asking for doesn't exist. Ask yourself this - if he told you tomorrow he was committed and that the focus should be on healing, you'd probably be very happy. So what would you do if, in a month he broke that commitment and left? That is always a possibility, from either side, so you're asking for something that just can't exist. He's free to leave at any time, regardless of what he says.

Also, that commitment will waiver. He's very soon out. Many BSs have commitment that waivers daily. It just does, and nothing that is said or done stops that.

And VERY gently, I would avoid asking for a commitment, answer, etc. When a BS hears this, many times the thought that pops up is "Why? I thought I had a commitment too. Here I am." I do NOT write this to be cold, or harsh. It's just something that you may wish to avoid for that reason, and also, this is one more layer of proof that a real 'commitment' doesn't exist.

As long as you're focused on getting your needs met - security, commitment, etc - then the focus isn't healing.

This is a very long process, and you're in the very early stages. Your husband needs to be able to go through these stages on his timeline, inhis way. The word 'commitment' doesn't mean safety, and the word 'divorce' doesn't mean it's over. Actions are what matters in these scenarios.

Spend your time helping the healing. Read 'how to help your spouse heal from an affair'. Focus on his wants and needs.

You are in fear right now, and that is normal. Please keep in mind your H is also in fear, and his is a different kind. He needs compassion, patience, and consistency. You can't push him to an answer. The marriage right now is up in the air. You need to let it land.

I would say, if I were in your shoes, I would act as if he was staying, and the M was in R. You cannot control if he leaves. As long as he hasn't, he's making an effort.

I'm sure it's a scary place to wonder every day if today is the day my spouse leaves. That can't feel good. Really, I think the best way to alleviate that feeling is to focus on your H and healing.

Don't give up because you don't have 'commitment'. It doesn't exist really. All we are certain of, on either side of the coin, is that we have right now. Use that to help him heal. He'll sense your concern is for him, and that will help him feel safe.

Be strong. It's going to be a lot of work. Hang on tight.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
♀ Member
Member # 41969
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you very much for your advice, Painfulpast. I don't think it's harsh at all, and I think it is what I need to hear.

Right now I am very fearful, and it's making me act in extremes. I go from complete apathy "I don't care if it ends, I'll be fine" to total panic "I don't know if I'll survive it if he leaves."

Right now I'm in panic mode. Later today I might be in apathy. Last night I had a total meltdown because he was talking to an old friend on the phone, who happens to be female. I went into full on terror/jealousy mode and convinced myself that he was looking to leave me for her. He ended up walking out for 3 hours. When he came home, we had both calmed down a little and managed to talk about it.

I feel sick thinking about it. I obviously have a lot of work to do on myself. We're going to try and work on my jealousy during MC on Monday, and I'm hoping to bring up other issues. The biggest one I want to bring up is that BS says he's been feeling like I am only in this for myself, and I am only doing enough to try and make him stay.

I'm really not. Of course I have an extreme interest in him staying and working on things, but I'm not only in it for me. The fact that I've been making him feel like that, on top of the A, makes me physically sick.

Me: WS 26. 4 year EA and PA.
Him: BS (MercifulH) 27.
D-day 1/3/14.
Separated heading to D :(

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 25
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