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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Internal Conflict...
♀ Member
Member # 41287
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't thank you all enough for helping me to gain some perspective on this...and thank you especially for the validation that I am not an abuser most of all...

I do try to stay NC with him but there are times when situations warrant...I don't post everything...seems whiny...he has put me through hell in more ways than one, especially since I left...We signed off on final agreement today, not before he picked through it with a fine tooth comb...I have a few more things left to get from the house (rental) and plan to next weekend...then I can go complete NC...of course there is still DD18 graduation...he probably won't come though...good for me, bad for her...

but your walking out on him and his business associates was unacceptable and embarrassing to him. Your reaction was based on your experience with his infidelity, but his coworkers did not know this.

A little more to the story then to clarify...we are both in the same line of work, they were mybusiness associates...he had recently retired from the military and I got him a job in the same line of work as me, this was his first time out on a "grip & grin"...Beyond that, his previous affair was no secret (our work involves the military and several of those biz associates dealt with him while he was in the military-sales), a few were also personal mutual friends (it is a very small community)...thus the feelings of humiliation.

She is regretting her behavior toward him and reactions that resulted.

Not really regretting my behavior at all, I would make the same choice if I had it to do again...if I had not left there is no doubt it would have escalated since he went back inside to stand exactly where he had been...I do believe I was de-escalating the situation by leaving...He says it was terrible treatment, I don't agree and asked for opinions as to whether it was over the top to leave him there. We had only been married again for a few months...

{{{Take2}}} Wow...that's certainly a different perspective!!!

Thank you all again for the have given me some things to think about and research and I can put the 2x4 away (for a little while) that I have been beating myself with.

I know I need IC, I just hate them digging around in the past and they always do...

[This message edited by Starzjourney at 8:01 PM, March 7th (Friday)]

Posts: 146 | Registered: Nov 2013
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Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take2, I did the same thing, accepted whatever for the sake of R. Even him treating my mom like shit towards the end. My regret is not putting on my bitch boots in 2008 and making him either rise to meet my expectations or get the hell out of my life. There are a lot of women that wouldn't put up with half of what we did, and a lot of them are probably psychologically healthier, even the ones that set people's stuff on fire

Sad in AZ, he earned the rage. Only you can know if it was constructive I guess.

I don't mean to say that BSes are innocent and any actions are justified, I definitely don't. I just think the examples starzjourney gave the responses seemed justified. And rage should also be expected in response to an A. There's definitely a middle ground and we should definitely work in our issues that helped sour the M

Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
♀ Member
Member # 41287
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's definitely a middle ground and we should definitely work in our issues that helped sour the M

^^^ This....

During our first separation/divorce there were some things that he said that rang true for me...they pissed me off at first but I guess that just validated the trueness of it...

These were changes I either made or was working diligently on, for him at first, eventually it became for me. I sometimes wander if things didn't go south in the 2nd M so quickly because of those changes...some of the changes had to do with boundaries for myself...I really didn't have any before...then I did and I am anyway...damned when I didn't, damned when I do.

I don't mind owning my shit...for me this post was less about the M dynamic and more about understanding what shit I am supposed to own...I have posted before about some of this stuff and made fun of him for blaming me but then I was researching verbal and emotional abuse for my own healing but some of what I read made me question whether or not I was a verbal and emotional abuser when I think back on some of my reactions to things he did...

I kicked butt on the bank stuff...I was afraid to be viewed as being vindictive...I got a lot of strength and encouragement here to follow through and was feeling all empowered and then I got knocked back a peg or 2 with this...

This infidelity really does a number on us in many different ways...I'm thankful for the personal stories and the supportive comments. I hope I can pay what I am receiving here forward some day very soon...

[This message edited by Starzjourney at 11:06 PM, March 7th (Friday)]

Posts: 146 | Registered: Nov 2013
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Member # 40302
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did not do anything wrong! He's crazy-making, where you are coming off as the bad guy even though you're just having a normal reaction to the things he's doing. My ex-husband (of SIX MONTHS!!!?!) used to grab my wrists, push me, scream at me, verbally assault me, insult me, refuse to have sex with me, smash his food onto the side of my face (usually meat, since I'm a vegetarian), hid our marriage from his friends, tried to grab my laptop and throw it 10-12 times, tried to break our (shared, obv) cell phone because I asked him about 3 unknown numbers texting him (and I called back and they were women, of course), spent a ton of my money, and used me for rent/food/utilities.

Throughout the beginning of our short marriage, I used to cater to him, tell him I'm so sorry, he's so right, I shouldn't have done _____. I thought it must be me because he used to be so great to me (things changed after marriage). I almost left so many times, but his mom (a majorrrrrr enabler, but nicest lady in the world) kept persuading me to stay ("he's just angry, he's stressed about work....") After the 3rd or 4th time of him smashing his food into my face while I was watching my online class on the TV, I slapped that asshole smack across his face right in front of my MIL...and it felt amazing. Six months of abuse came out in that slap and the look of shock on his horrid, pig face was so worth it.

I'll be damned if I'm going to be made out to be abusive because I finally reacted to the dick things this guy was doing. I have an amazing tolerance for things, but once things cross a certain line, I'm f*cking DONE. I'd never hit someone before, and I'm not abusive...I just believe that people have a breaking point and, eventually, your reaction is going to be a compilation of everything that built up inside of you that wasn't important enough to him to address.

From that moment on, he couldn't get to me anymore. I'd finally stood up for myself and no matter how much worse his actions got, I wasn't interested. I mourned the loss of my marriage before I ever even got out of there. I knew that I had a big weakness for MIL and seeing her sad, so I knew that whatever excuse I was going to use to leave her son had to be good enough that I couldn't be talked out of it. I needed to bide my time and wait for him to do something bad enough that I could get out, guilt-free. It didn't take him very long to go online and solicit Craigslist hookers from two states away and be too stupid to clear his internet history.

Well, long story short, I'm not abusive; I just finally had an explosive reaction to months and months of torment...and it sounds like you did, too. The abuser ALWAYS tries to make the abused think they're crazy. That's part of what makes them so dangerous!!

D12/13...he's a sociopath.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
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Member # 41287
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I was physically abused by my 1st H...having grown up with physical and sexual abuse that stuff is easy to recognize and it was easy to walk away from 1st H...The struggle I had/have was recognizing that my stbx was emotionally abusive...I suppose as it turns out was because the emotional abuse seemed like "normal" behavior for me. I acted out in the same way with stbx as I did with my FOO.

In taking stock after writing this post, I see that I don't typically yell, scream, verbally abuse as a matter of "normal" behavior...I was mixed up with someone who doesn't even acknowledge that his behavior was emotionally abusive and I know future forward that I will not subject myself to this kind of abuse anymore than I will accept the more overt forms of abuse.

Posts: 146 | Registered: Nov 2013
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Member # 40302
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you went through that, too! I grew up in an abusive home, too; statistically, we recreate that with our marriages, which totally sucks. Emotional abuse is so insidious that you find yourself questioning yourself all the time. You never know if you're crazy; you feel like you're losing's terrible. I know when someone hits you or cheats on you, there's like HARD evidence to leave, but emotional abuse is just so complicated. I'm glad you made a decision to get away from him. Somewhere, there are normal people out there. I think the thing that draws abused (women) children into abusive relationships is that desire to be loved. When the sociopath or narcissist comes along, they take advantage of that need. Part of the abused's thinking is something along the lines of, "Now I can finally have my own family that doesn't suck." But, the sociopath and the narcissist love power; they express love as a way to gain power; once they have you, it's all different. Mine actually told me, "Well, once we got married, it's not like you could go anywhere." Um, WTF? WATCH ME #divorcedbeforeourfirstanniversary

D12/13...he's a sociopath.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
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Member # 42137
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is passive-aggressive. My STBXWH was similar---and I turned into the bitch-from-hell when I finally woke up and got tired of it all (the wakeup--or "self-esteem"--actually happened during a health challenge of mine; for years he ignored it; never helped; continued to be the little boy waiting for mommy to tell him what to do, then not doing it, then gaslighting when I called attention to itů.) Eventually I screamed things like "I hate your fucking guts!" "I hope you get into an accident!"

Yep, I said those things. His passive-aggressiveness brought out the worst possible demons in me.

This is called "the hurricane". I understand this dynamic well after reading the book "The Emotionally Unavailable Man" by Patti Henry. It is the best book I ever read on the subject. It has 2 sides--one side for the woman, and flip it over, the other side for the man (the woman's side says read the man's side first LOL).

I read it during our in-house separation, then gave it to him. He took it on vacation with him, and when we talked he admitted that he indeed was just like the book says. He cried uncontrollably after a few chapters. Then when the chapter came about family-of-origin healing, he stopped reading the book. He is too scared.

He is indeed a coward (which is a big part of my disrespect for him). He is very wounded and is too scared to heal---prefers the fog, denial, creating a persona rather than being a person. So sad.

So, I strongly advise you to READ THIS BOOK! You will feel better about yourself afterward. And you'll understand the dynamic.

You deserve better. You yourself need to realize that. (We all do).

Good luck. You are not a bad person. You just fell prey to his gas lighting.


me 56
WH 57
married 19 years
separated since 8/2013
D FINAL! Sept 10 2014
D-day Dec 21 2013 (after separation)
2 sons 15 and 12
OW = family friend and WH work colleague, going on many years (I was clueless)

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: canada
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know future forward that I will not subject myself to this kind of abuse anymore than I will accept the more overt forms of abuse

Amen sister.

I know just how big and devastating these aha moments are. It makes me sick to think I recreated a situation that as a child I swore I would never be in again. I told myself for too long that it wasn't abuse because he wasn't striking me. But it was, it so was.

((Starz)). We got through it before, we'll get through it again. We'll heal fully. Properly. For good. There won't be a next time.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5619 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
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