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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Causing more shame for BH
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Sad  Posted: 7:29 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have yet again caused more shame for my BH and it makes me physically sick. My BH is in a pool league that plays every Wednesday. He drives with one of our neighbors named “A” – he and his wife are friends with us. We would hang out a lot pre-A, but they had a baby in Oct 2012, so we don’t hang as much anymore. I am not sure if that is a product of the baby or a product of their changed feelings toward me. My BH and “A” are pretty good friends since they are together every week.
Last night during pool, “A” asked about how things were going between us. My BH said that we have been going to MC and that he is finding out how much pain I am feeling about my actions which he finds interesting since I caused all of this pain. Later during pool, “A” was talking about going to a concert of a band that was popular in the 90’s. My BH was talking about his dislike of the artist and made a few other comments. “A” responded with this: People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. This was obviously a comment about how he has no reason to talk because he is with an adulterer. Since D-day, “A” has made other comments about me, including a physiological diagnosis that he made of me after reading an article, which was rebutted by my BH and my MC and IC. My BH had a long exchange with him after he made his “diagnosis”. “A” had also said that he never “saw” us together and didn’t understand why we were a couple.

It’s interesting about “A” because even before D-day, we would sometimes clash because his political views are diametrically opposite of mine, however I always considered him and his wife a very good friend. We would watch our favorite shows together on Thursday night with beer and food and laughter. I never realized his true feeling about our relationship and what he thought of me (“I always thought there was something off about her.”)

My BH wishes that he wouldn’t have told anyone about my A, but I know he needed support during the months after, plus I was in the hospital due to my suicide attempt. I told him to talk to “A” about how upset he is. My BH feels so much shame, because he feels like people are judging him. I keep telling him that he didn’t do anything wrong. It’s all me and I am owning my shit. I feel like my BH should tell “A” how he’s feeling about “A”s comments, but I am not sure he will. I would like to confront “A”, but I won’t.

I want to remain friends with “A” and his wife, but I don’t want to be judged for the rest of my life. I already feel enough self-hatred that I am working through. This doesn’t help my BH and I feel good.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 404 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My opinion is that if your BH has decided to R, then the friends need to be on board and respect his decision. If not then they are not friends of the marriage.

Your BH can tell the friend that he won't tolerate anymore disrespectful comments about you or the marriage, that he decided to R and he expects their support as friends.

If they don't respect that, you and your BH can decide if they are worth having as friends.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37327 | Registered: Sep 2007
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, I'm with AN on this one.

'A' needs to STFU. What kind of friend is he if he can't support your BH in his decision? Friends don't judge, friends don't criticise. Friends offer support and advice (if it's asked for).

Your BH needs to draw a line, set up a boundary. Tell 'A' loud and clear that if he can't be supportive then his friendship is no longer required.

It sucks for BH that he might lose a friend but if he's committed to R then all friends have to be friends of the marriage.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1232 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a difficult situation. My WS and I are sharing a holiday home in Florida right now with my cousin and his wife. We (were) are great friends. But, needless to say, things are not normal. In fact, things are far from normal. No one here other then my WS understands the pain I am in. They are impatient with me and can not understand why I just can't "get over it". And it is a very uncomfortable place for me to be and the strain on our friendship is incredible. So, I know how your BH feels. My cousin is one of my best friends, but as far as supporting me etc....it is just not there. And I see what I am doing. How I am wrecking their holiday etc and I feel such terrible guilt. It's a lose/lose stitch. I have tried explaining this, my WS has tried explaining my pain, but they Just Do Not Get It...
Perhaps, some space between your BH and A is necessary. I am sure it is hard for anyone to understand the horrors that we, the BS are enduring. Unfortunately, tuning other people in is not an option because if they haven't been there, they will never understand.

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My former best friend of 14 years was very rude to my BH and continuously told me that he needed to get over it already and stop punishing me.

Needless to say, we are no longer friends.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37327 | Registered: Sep 2007
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is "A" 15 years old? He responded to BH dissing a band by saying, essentially, he had no right to criticize a musician because he's married to a cheater?

I told him to talk to “A” about how upset he is. I feel like my BH should tell “A” how he’s feeling about “A”s comments

Careful. BH needs to handle this his own way. If BH feels you're judging or disapproving of his response to the situation, that could have a negative impact on your R. Stick to expressing your feelings about the situation, instead of telling BH how he should handle it.

This doesn’t help my BH and I feel good

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
- Eleanor Roosevelt


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1109 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH said that I could share the email interaction we just had regarding this post.

When I first sent him this link he wrote:

This is a whole other level of pain and humiliation. The fact that "A" as well as your brother on a few occasions have commented on this situation in such a casually flippant manner is very damaging to me. It tells me that a part of both of them finds this situation amusing and subject matter for casual jokes. I will never understand why you did this to us.

I then wrote this:

What do you think about people's comments? "A" and My brother are not being friends of the marriage? What are you going to say to him?

Him:

I've already told him my feelings on the matter when he sent me that sociopath article. I don't know that he will ever change in this way. He has a level of contemptuousness in my opinion, rooted to a degree in an elitist sense of himself. He seems to be the kind of person that finds superficial humor in someone else's tragedy. Again, I cannot understand why you would put me in this situation considering the self esteem issues you knew I had to begin with.

To clarify the above, "A" sent my BH am article saying I'm a sociopath even though all therapists refuted this.

Me:

Are you going to tell him we're in recovery so he needs to be a friend of the marriage?

Him:

Maybe I'll mention it if he says anything stupid. It's hard to bring up when we are in a room full of people who otherwise don't know.


I hate that I created another level of humiliation for him when he had low self esteem to begin with.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 404 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pizzalover, I got a couple of things from your email exchange.

1) your BH mentions twice that he can't understand why you did what you did, and you didn't reply to him on that. I read that he was looking for some validation of his feelings, and I think you missed an opportunity there. When I said something like that to my H, it helped me for him to say "It sickens me that I did that to you and am so sorry I have made you feel worse" before trying to give me advice on my problem.

2) Your BH has self esteem issues. I wonder how much of the humiliation he is feeling is about this so-called friend and what sounds like his desire to make your BH uncomfortable versus the content of the discussions? It seems unlikely to me that this person suddenly started beaking off about you after being a good friend prior. I didn't tell many people about H's affair, but those in my family that were empathetic before were good supports to me, and those that weren't didn't improve once they knew. What if your BH took the approach of saying to this guy "I realize you don't understand why I've chosen to work things out with pizzalover, and that's fine. Reconciliation is not for the faint of heart. But if you can't support me then at least keep your opinions to yourself because I won't listen to any more of it." It sounds to me like a boundary issue and this friend is stomping all over them. Setting boundaries is good practice for anyone, and can be very empowering. Your BH says "maybe I'll mention it if he says anything stupid" but this is a very passive response.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1732 | Registered: Nov 2010
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cdnmommy-


1) your BH mentions twice that he can't understand why you did what you did, and you didn't reply to him on that. I read that he was looking for some validation of his feelings, and I think you missed an opportunity there. When I said something like that to my H, it helped me for him to say "It sickens me that I did that to you and am so sorry I have made you feel worse" before trying to give me advice on my problem.

You are right that I didn't mention this in the email and I should have. We talked about this last night I was apologizing and showing remorse for my actions. I didn't validate his feelings and that was wrong. Thanks for calling me out on it.

As for the rest of your response, I guess I need to let him respond to our friend however he sees fit. His response does seem passive, but I'm sure he will deal with this in time when he feels ready. Perhaps both of us have boundary issues, but in different ways.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 404 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope it didn't come across as calling you out. :) I understand wanting to help him with the problem, but I also recognize the tone of his email as something I could have written.

And yes, he needs to handle it, but I do think that there is a good opportunity for the two of you to have a conversation about it, and you can work through some scenarios with him. I think it can be hard to be the WS in this situation because you feel like you put him here, but whether he likes it or not this experience is going to force him to change, and that might include learning some new skills like setting boundaries. I assume since you are the WS that boundaries are something you are learning to set also, so while you can't set yourself up as an expert, you can talk about it in terms of protecting your marriage. I'm sure it is hard to ask for anything from him, but if you are both committed to R, then it is completely reasonable to ask him to work through this with him and come up with a solution that works for both of you. Bottom line is that his "friend" is out of line and is not contributing anything positive to your marriage.

Things like this can be hard for us, the BS, because it is easy to get caught up in "well, I wouldn't even have to worry about this if you hadn't done what you did" but IME usually all this represents is a problem that you/they were delaying dealing with. I'm not saying this is true of your BH, but it certainly has been for me. I still have to monitor myself to make sure I'm not hiding behind that excuse because the self-work really is worth it, even if I am not happy about why I'm doing it now.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1732 | Registered: Nov 2010
Topic Posts: 10

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