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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He works with her
Kerri
♀ New Member
Member # 42613
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not ready yet to tell my whole story but I need help with something. My H came back to me we talked and agreed to try and work things out. He went and met with her and broke things off said it was mutual and ow was going back to her s. The problem I have is that he works with the ow at night and he told me today that her and her spouse are not 100 percent back together. He has done everything I have ask showed me his phone called me at night answered every question I have asked and I have asked a lot of them. He can not give her a nc because he has to give her breaks and lunches at work. He can't afford to find another job he has been at this one 17 yrs with great benifits. She has only been there a year but could transfer out of the department but she refuses to. How do I deal with this doubt I have?

[This message edited by Kerri at 8:42 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 12 | Registered: Feb 2014
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The hard truth is you won't ever get rid of that doubt while they work together.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson


Posts: 772 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
JellyGirl84
♀ Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My story is similar to yours...and so many on SI unfortunately can also relate since workplace affairs are becoming more prevalent. I'm going to tell you a hard truth: it will not stop nor will you rid yourself of doubt if they continue to work together. Period.

I'm separated and my WH is apparently still dating his AP but immediately after DDay, I thought my WH and I were going to R. Before I had begun the 180, I actually told him I might be ok with him keeping his job and working with the hobag. I'll never forget how relieved and thankful he was to hear me say it....and when I think back on that moment I realize he responded that way because I would basically have given him the green light to continue his disgusting behavior with her.


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
No real remorse once I kicked him out.

Posts: 96 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
Kerri
♀ New Member
Member # 42613
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the feed back that is what I was afraid of. He has said he would trade shifts if one comes open but where he works that don't happen too often.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Feb 2014
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd take a strong healthy chance for reconciliation over employee benefits any day. He can look for a new job. He doesn't have to quit to do that.

At some point he is going to have to realize that he has put his marriage in a crisis emergency and act accordingly. Will you get some of those great benefits in a divorce?


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson


Posts: 772 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Kerri
♀ New Member
Member # 42613
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We talked again tonight about how it bothers me and he said he was willing to look for something else. So he is going to see what is out there that is something I guess. It gives me a little hope that he is willing to do that for us.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Feb 2014
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 2:43 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kerri there is a saying on here, turn the sound down and watch the actions. He now has to back up his words with actions. It's easy to say 'I'll look to see what is out there' but don't put too much stock on his words. He's already proven himself to be a liar by omission or otherwise. So watch him now to see how active he is in his looking for a new job without any prompting from you. That will tell you a lot.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 2:45 AM, March 6th (Thursday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1839 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, keep in mind that wherever he works there will be women. He needs to get to the root of his problem.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 923 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Daisy312
♀ Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Almost two years here and my FWH still works with ow. It has been a rough two years, but I think that R would've been going smoother if he didn't work with her. I still have panic attacks sometimes while he's at work, and have trouble believing him when he sas he had no contact with her. If he can find a new job I think it will help you a lot, but like the other person stated he needs to work on his issues.

Posts: 245 | Registered: Sep 2012
OakStreet
♀ Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kerri:

My WH had an EA/PA with his subordinate. The day after Dday, she told me she was looking for another job. That was 5 months ago and she's still there.

It is very difficult to find other jobs in our area. And I struggle with the fact that they see each other every day.

It is a difficult situation, but, despite communication issues, I THINK WH and I are working toward R.


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: West Virginia
Kerri
♀ New Member
Member # 42613
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is hard to find jobs in our area also plus we have a house payment and 3 teenagers to support. I work but don't bring in anything compared to him. He is trying to work on his issues and think we have found out why he did what he did. We are putting time toward the m and the family trying.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Feb 2014
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kerri, don't be surprised when down the road you find out these two haven't stopped what they're doing - they've just taken their crappy little affair farther underground. The opportunity is just too easy with these two working together.

Most cheaters lie their fool heads off on D-Day and claim they'll cut all contact and stop their affair, but the overwhelming majority don't. They simply get sneakier and find different ways to communicate that their betrayed spouses aren't aware of.

You just need to guard yourself for this probable eventuality.

Good luck to you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1580 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's great he will look for a new job. Just be sure that he follows through. As pp said, words from him mean nothing unless he backs it up with action.

think we have found out why he did what he did.

This worries me. How long ago was dday and how long has he been in therapy?


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson


Posts: 772 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
alifeforesaken
♀ Member
Member # 41139
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Kerri)))

I completely understand. OW is my WH's exec asst.
I am not comfortable with it at all, and its a complicated situation. I will never be comfortable as long as they work together. I say it all the time, I would be dealing much better if he could never contact her ever again.

Early after Dday, I thought there is no way I can do this. Many things have changed that have helped me to deal, but like I said, as long as they work together I will never be ok with it.

WH has offered to look as well, at first when I asked he said no, and then later he came to me and asked for help with his resume. Even on occasion mentioned transferring, but that meant moving cross country and as much as I want R, I am not uprooting my life for what he did.

WH also doesn't have to work with OW in the office all the time. He has been making a great point checks in, use landlines and be accountable for where he is. My brother works for WH and though he doesn't know of the A, he knows I could ask my brother questions and easily find out if he is lying.

But what I also came to terms with, she wasn't special, she preyed on him, he has issues and poor boundaries, it could have been anyone. Yes, he thought he loved her, yes he felt validated, but even if he changes jobs, there is opportunity all around. So while I struggle to hope things don't reignite, I know he needs to work on himself and I need to watch his actions.

So far, I can see a difference, an I'm giving him a chance to get where I think he should be. We are in MC, he just went for an IC intake last night. He came home and was super positive about it. He told me what he said there, without me asking, and I was actually proud of him for once. He made sure to bring up the major points I would have suggested.

This may or may not be a deal breaker for you, you may know that now, or you may find that out later if you are willing to take a leap of faith. Best of Luck!


BW (31)
WH (32)
Children (1yr) (1 due Mar '14)
DD#1 - 9/28/13 DD#2 11/24/13

Posts: 84 | Registered: Oct 2013
stillsad1970
♀ Member
Member # 38977
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I to had this happen.
My WH did get a transfer in the same company. It took 8 months but it happened.
I dont want to be a downer but after 3 weeks in the new job I dont feel better about it.I had a close friend that worked with them and she was my eyes and ears. Now I dont have that and its almost worse.
Sorry about that but I live with both scenarios.
Tricky.

Posts: 74 | Registered: Apr 2013
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H looked for a year and found a job with better benefits and pay. Unfortunately, we have to move, but that is another consequence of his A. He did not directly work with OW, but she frequented his office. After DDay she put herself in close proximity too often for comfort. During the A, the OW literally went through his business contacts and made them her contacts. Short of putting up a shingle announcing what a dishonest ho she is, we saw no way to out her to every single person we know and she is the type to retaliate.

The day he left his job was such a relief for both of us to be closing that chapter. It was a continual reminder for both of us and we needed that fresh start.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1401 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


((Kerri))

A couple of things I notice…

He went and met with her and broke things off

^^He shouldn't be going anywhere and breaking anything off with her. There should be NC with her except for business only. No discussion of them, her, her S or any such thing.

and he told me today that her and her spouse are not 100 percent back together

^^ This sounds like the next day or a few days later she told him this info. How does he know it? They should not be speaking about it at all or about anything else unrelated to the job at hand. Period.

Are you sure the other S knows of the A? 100% sure? If not, I would expose it wide open and would not tell him that you are doing so. Affairs occur in the darkness. Expose. Do not take his word for it.

Number two, I am not sure what type of business he is in. If the only contact he has to have with her is to give her breaks and lunches. Easy solution: He can post a schedule on the time clock for everyone working that night. This way, he does not need to speak with her unless there is a legitimate catastrophe.

I see he is giving you his phone etc… but do you have access to the phone records, the texting history, credit cards etc? This will help you match the phone records to the actual things on his phone.

He should be avoiding her at all costs, telling you how he is doing this, and contacting you immediately if she tries to speak to him even if she asks him what color the sky is….

A no contact should be given and not in person. If he balks at any of this, he is still foggy or worse, still enmeshed in the A. As others have said, turn off the volume and watch the actions.

Hugs!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1415 | Registered: Jun 2012
Kerri
♀ New Member
Member # 42613
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do know the other s know I have talked to him. He was a mess also and is living with their daughter. She told him when they broke it off that they were going to work on it that they were going to stay a part for a while. He has also ask her to leave her job but according to wh no one can afford to do this. But she could transfer so she would be working days.

I can't see his phone records because we have prepaid phones for us. He has give me his voice mail access and I can retrieve deleted messages. So far there hasn't been any. That don't mean they are not using a land that I wouldn't be able to find but I don't think that is the case.

He can't post a schedule on the clock because he is the only one on shift one night out of the week with her.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Feb 2014
Kerri
♀ New Member
Member # 42613
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He met with her to break it off because he had left me at the time. We got together because of a problem I was having with the house that I needed his help. We talked and he said the reason he left is because he couldn't stand to see the hurt in my eyes and know he was the reason for it. I didn't know about the A he came to me and told me about it about a week before he left. I made him call her and tell her it was over with me listening. We planed to work on it and had a good weekend until he went back to work. He said the guilt just got to him. I don't know if I believe that and told him he would have to show me he was ready to make a real try at working on our m.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Feb 2014
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Contact her BS. Get him to pressure his wife to leave. I hate work whores. Sorry, just can't stand the woman that take advantage of the selfish weak wayward spouses and marriages.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 923 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 25
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