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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: You all tried to warn me - napalm part 2
fraeuken
♀ Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why are you still receiving texts from him? He should be blocked.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1253 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cayc,

Re-read this thread, but pretend it was posted by someone else. What would your advice to them be?

Block
Block
Block

This guy is nothing but trouble. You're still enough in the fog that you are trying to make excuses for him (he's ashamed, etc). He's a user and a manipulator and an abuser.

You can do SO much better!!!

Sheilds at maximum and warp speed away from this douche.

Edited for a typo...

[This message edited by CheaterMagnet at 2:49 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not in any kind of fog whatsoever. That's what this whole thread is about, admitting that this is a person I can't have a relationship with. I'm also not going to block him. The day he says he has money to send, I'd like for him to be able to tell me.

I also don't think I'm making excuses. I think I'm trying to understand so I can put it context so I can learn from this.

I did contact him again though to tell him to stand down and told him I was ashamed of his behavior and appalled that he thought any of this was ok. And that when he could I'd appreciate him paying me back as it would be the decent thing to do. He whined some but eventually realized that I'm not having a conversation with him, or even arguing with him, I'm merely saying it's over. It seems to have worked.

I'm in this weird mix of disappointed, relieved and numb. In many ways this guy was a fabulous fit for me and my life. But obviously this not a fit component is too huge to overlook. I'm relieved because it's resolved and any worry I had about being in a relationship with him goes away.

But, I feel body slammed. I'm just not in the position to meet men easily nor date for a long time before I move again and it's hard for me not to see my fate as cursed. Which leads me back into being angry about the reason why I'm a member of SI in the first place. As if no matter what I do, I'll never be free of the fallout of the A's and D.

Bleahh. Meh. Dammit.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3089 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stages of Recovery

Stage 1:
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.


Stage 2:
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in this same place. But it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.


Stage 3:
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I fall in...it's a habit...but my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.


Stage 4:
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.


Stage 5:
I walk down a different street.


((((cayc))))


[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:02 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2124 | Registered: Jan 2012
cissi
♀ Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not in any kind of fog whatsoever.

The day he says he has money to send, I'd like for him to be able to tell me.

I think you are in a fog, at least about the money.


Posts: 1411 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And it's been a text and email free evening so I guess that's progress :)


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3089 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't hold your breath over the money. I know it royally sucks to lose it, but if that's the cost of not staying enmeshed...


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13740 | Registered: Jul 2011
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((cayc)))))
you are not cursed.

It could have been worse if money is all you lost from this abuser.

Take good care of yourself. It's a process for all of us to find our way to a healthy fulfilling life after all the crap we've been through.

Self-compassion is key.

[This message edited by InnerLight at 10:35 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5815 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 2:28 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((cayc)))

I just read this thread. I'm so sorry to hear that.

This guy sounds like a classic Narcissist. All he cares is about himself and how he can manipulate you, and he will blow up when you go "off script" of what he expects you to do. He's charming for sure, he has to be, it's his job (i.e. that's how he gets his money/supply/etc).

As much as it hurts, consider yourself lucky you found out relatively early. It's worse the longer you're enmeshed with him.

Take care of yourself. Better not to get any money back than to risk being sucked in by someone like that. Chalk it up to a pricey lesson learned.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 729 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No one has a right to call you terrible things.

It is an abuse cycle. And they are fucking hard to see, and really hard to get out of when you are in one. I was in a verbally abusive relationship in college, my first serious boyfriend. It took 18 months for me to finally see him clearly.

Stay strong. Keep what he said to you in the forefront of your mind so you can have the strength to end it.

We are all here to support you. Look at this thread?? Look at the people who REALLY see you

You can do this.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4142 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cayc,

Do you mind me asking (ballpark) how much this guy owes you? Because I don't think he's going to repay you. You might either want to just let it go and block him or go ahead and file small claims now.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The barrage of nonsense appears to have finally stopped. I'm sure I'll get the little bon mot every now and again for a bit, but at least the outright harassment has stopped.

It appears that what happened is we were talking about a tough subject and he says he heard me say "Yes, I want to break up with you" (with the implication that I want to do so because he's poor and has a health issue). I said no such thing. But because he has low self esteem about these two issues, he expects to hear it and so his brain told him he did. And then in his hurt he conducted his scorched earth policy that gives me no choice but to walk away. After all, it's not that I don't care, but I can't trust him. I can trust him to be faithful. But I can't trust him not to be a mean motherfucking asshole to me.

I don't think he's a narcissist, or an emotional abuser (as in his not trying to manipulate me). I think he truly believes he deserves shit, so he behaves in a way that it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy where shit is always what he gets. That, and he blames everyone but himself for his predicament. (Whereas in contrast, I always blame myself for everything that goes wrong and I try and fix it).

As for the money. If he's ever in the position to pay it back, he will. The rub really is that I doubt he'll ever be in the position to do so.

I'm sad today. Amazonia is right. The first break up after a D is harder. The D, as hard as it is, you feel a bit self righteous because well, it's so clear where the fault lies. But this new relationship had so much hope and overcoming the D built into it that this failure really hits at all of my insecurities (I'm old, I'm not girly enough, I have a career that makes me undesirable to men) and I feel hopeless. Like I'll always be alone and it's because there is something wrong with me. That I'm not lovable etc. and so on.

Damn. I'm very sad today. This really is just getting to be too much loneliness and pain to bear.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3089 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Intent is not a prerequisite for abuse.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 828 | Registered: Nov 2012
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, be easy on yourself. Understandably you feel down. You've just had a huge betrayal of decency.
This is not the time to conjecture your years of relationships ahead.

When I hear you say this:

I don't think he's a narcissist, or an emotional abuser (as in his not trying to manipulate me). I think he truly believes he deserves shit, so he behaves in a way that it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy where shit is always what he gets. That, and he blames everyone but himself for his predicament. (
I think you are working hard to explain his behavior. It's a bit like saying he's not really an asshole he just acts like one.

Take good care of yourself, get a massage, ride a horse, visit good friends, ask someone to do your favorite hobby with you. Consciously work to get your mind off of him every day until the pain recedes.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5815 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he's ever in the position to pay it back, he will. The rub really is that I doubt he'll ever be in the position to do so.

Presumably, he has your physical street address. If you relocate annually for work, then provide a second address of someone in your life who will always know your whereabouts. Then BLOCK him on social media. Block, block, block.

If you play with napalm, you will get burned.


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 55
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