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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Update / Ramblings
1bigidiot79
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for the lack of an interesting title or post for that matter. I just haven't been on in a few days and felt the need to get some things off my chest. I have found myself wallowing in a pool of self pity, guilt and shame here lately and I can't seem to get out of it. It seems that everything I do is the wrong move, the wrong thing to say or the wrong way to handle a situation. Why do I keep screwing up? Why can't I stop hurting her. I have good intentions but I just can't seem to do anything right.

After weekend before last when it was discovered that I wasn't fully forthcoming with some details and had subsequently lied about it things have been very strained between us. The anger is back and rightfully so. I'm trying to focus on the positives such as even though that happened I do think I've made progress in other areas. I haven't lied about anything else since Dday. I haven't looked at porn even once. I have established new boundaries and have not crossed them. I am working at this.

Last night we were discussing intimacy and my BW looked me straight in the eye and pretty calmly said I do not love you, I do not ever want to "make love" to you again. It was soul crushing. Just the cold, matter of fact nature in which she said it. It was almost like not only do I not love you but I loathe you. I can't stop replaying it in my head.

I know I've got to snap out of this and continue to work on myself so I can ultimately be healthy and present, ready to work on our marriage. She is having such a hard time separating the past from the present but I know it's my own fault because I've given her no reason to believe anything I say. I wish she could just know that I truly have left my past self in the past and I am not thinking like I was. I regret not telling her those couple of small details more than anything but I am making progress. I just pray in time she will see it. I literally begged and I mean begged her to give me another chance last night and to try and see that I have changed and I want her and choose her and that I really have left the old me behind.

I think we were so close to making a breakthrough and I threw it all away for a couple of small details. Stupid. So stupid. So now we begin again. One day at a time trying to improve. Trying to completely leave the past behind and start a new future. A future of good choices and healthy boundaries and being the best I can possibly be and just hope one day she sees it's for real. I have no one to blame but myself. Sorry for the vent. I think I just needed to get some of that out.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 173 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((1bigidiot79))

Don't apologize for having feelings and having to express them. Venting can be a valid form of communication at times. Bottling up or stuffing our feelings is not supportive of self-healing. Too many of us men were never encouraged to share our feelings as children and so, as adults, we struggle to open up. Don't carry that habit into the future.

That said, there is a pattern to your behavior. You say you will do this or that and then, poof, you fail to deliver them. A pattern of wrong moves, wrong things said or not said etc.

The secret to successful R is consistent and continued healthy and supportive behaviors. Not words but actions. Consistently done over time. You need to stop promising and start delivering. Every time, each time. If you see today as being a new start, then its not enough to promise a new you to your BS, its time to deliver.

I can only imagine how devastating it was to hear your BW tell you that she doesn't love you or ever want to make love to you again. Those words would be hard to hear at any time or place but you may be more sensitive to them now because you are well aware that her words were spoken in direct response to the utter devastation that you inflicted on her. Accept that they were said in anger. Have some hope and faith that things can get better with time and consistent actions on your part.

HUFI

Stilllovinghim - You have got to work every single day on yourself and on your M if you want this to survive. This is the most important thing in your life. This is the air in your lungs. Don't squander it.


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
lostinthesouth
♀ Member
Member # 41377
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no stop sign--BS here. I said those exact same words(and worse)to my WH when I found out more details. That was 2 months ago. It took me a little over a month to process that new information and let him back into the bedroom. Give your wife time to let her take in the new information and just be there for her. Be honest and just listen. The more information that I found out about after dday just kept setting me back. I said from the beginning to just tell me everything now and get it over with so I can move on from there. When I got the latest pile of crap dumped on me--it was like dday all over again. I already felt like I was hanging and then he stomped on my fingers and let me fall back down into the hole I was trying to climb out of. Please just be honest and upfront with everything. Write the timeline or whatever for her. I have mine and have yet to get through the first couple pages because I just can't go back to feeling like dday again-but I have it if I need it. Even though I told my husband I didn't love him-I still needed him to say it to me because I didn't want to feel like we both were giving up. I didn't tell him that bit of information--I just waited to see what he had to give and if he was really going to do the work. When I was tired of fighting for us (more TT)-- I needed him to be strong and show me that he is fighting for us-even if I acted like I didn't give a shit. I still needed to see it. She will come around, you just need to be there for her and have patience.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 3

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