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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Opinions please
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I was first talking to xSO I was 18. My boyfriend and I were in an open relationship, xSO and I were talking and I was talking to my best male friend who I ended up making out with a couple of times. I broke up with my boyfriend and xSO and I ended up becoming a couple. I told my friend that me and xSO had gotten together and he stopped talking to me. It was sudden, he had other people answer his cell and say it didn't belong to him, he answered once and hung up, his mom said he was never home... My female bff had lunch with him a year or so later asking why he cut me off with no warning and he said he'd loved me and couldn't be friends with me if I had chosen xSO. I let it go but a few years later realized I had not many people I was close to and wanted to apologize to him. I reached out theought facebook (told xSO) asking how he was and if we could talk so I could apologize. The answer he gave was basically that it was not necessary, his life was good and thats it. We never spoke again and I havent thought about him in years.

Now my question was this wayward behavior? Was this just the ego stroking part of me reaching out or was this legitimately as I see it a need to make right a wrong I had let go unresolve? I just dont know anymore.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Oct 2012
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it could be either way. The fact that you're questioning it, hints towards wayward behavior. Also, is there a reason your mind went towards this man in particular? I know you mentioned you didn't have many people you were close to. To reach out to an ex, when realizing this, may be a sign of being lonely (?). I think there are different types of lonely. Missing family for their support, feeling alone with no close friends to confide in, and feeling lonely when you don't have those comforting arms around you loving you.

I think you're smart to look back and rethink some of your actions. Don't knock yourself for it. As a BGF, I can honestly say it's comforting to hear someone wanting to understand, and change.


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 451 | Registered: Jun 2013
time2grow
♂ Member
Member # 35983
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another wayward could give a better answer but from a BS, yes its wayward behavior.

The important things is you tried to do what's right, the best thing to do now is let it go. For some in our lives the best amends we can make is to not exist.


Posts: 1721 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Missouri
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What was your true motivation behind reaching out to him?

Really think about that.

[This message edited by broevil at 11:51 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)]


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1133 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure if it's wayward behavior but it does seem like it was chasing that mythical unicorn of "closure"...which can be dangerous for some people, WSs/FWSs especially, because it can lead to validation-seeking, ego-stroking, a need for approval, etc.---all those unhealthy things we're all too familiar with.

I still get tempted to "reach out" to people from the past, whether male (exes) or female, where relationships had soured, under the guise of making amends or just "checking in." For example, I found out through the grapevine that an ex from many years ago had a baby last year. My natural urge was to shoot him a congratulatory email. But I know better than that; he doesn't need my kudos for reproducing and I don't need to hear whatever his reply would be. I've learned to force myself to leave the past where it belongs and focus on the now.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled and remarried.


Posts: 2120 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The answer he gave was basically that it was not necessary, his life was good and thats it. We never spoke again and I havent thought about him in years.

It sounds like he set a very firm and clear boundary long ago, and essentially reinforced it when you contacted him. You respected the boundary by not pressing further.

But I do wonder about the reasoning. Was it out of respect or another motivation?

I believe that an apology is like a gift. Once you give it, it's no longer yours, and what the receiver does with it, is no longer yours to control. While you may have respected it, were you bothered that he didn't want your apology? Were you intrigued by his ability to maintain absolute certainty in his decision? Was it hard to accept that he was decisive and absolute about it?

I'm wondering why you find yourself considering it now? What made you think of him again?

I don't know that it's necessarily Wayward per se. I think it's possible that you were testing the boundary, attempting to see where it was after all this time. Did you think about whether or not his resolve had softened over time? As human beings I think it's fairly normal to check and recheck the boundaries of others, in relation to the way we frame our own boundaries. Your boundaries have been permeable, and his definitely appear quite rigid.

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 1:10 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)]


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My motivations? I wanted to apologize, I wanted none of the romantic stuff to ever have happened and just be friends again. We were friends from the age of 9 until the age of 18. Thats insane to me that I threw it away by thinking we could make out without feelings happening on one end. I was not in a great mind set at the time, was thinking of a few friends I'd lost along the road of life and realized maybe he was one fuck up I could fix. Looking at the actions now from where I am I can t remember any romance or love being attached to it just a want to fix what I'd done.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Oct 2012
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You wanted to fix it, and he detached to the point that there was nothing to fix as I interpret it. Can you feel ok with that?


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I need to clarify a couple of things. I never questioned his response, this was years ago that I reached out to apologize, and what made me think about it was a post I read about an ex from Jr high contacting a WS in a different thread. I tend to hold up a lot of behaviors stated here to my past as it helps me gain better perspective on past behaviors.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Oct 2012
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never questioned his response

maybe he was one fuck up I could fix

These two statements stand out to me. I don't know why. They just seem important.

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 1:20 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)]


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted none of the romantic stuff to ever have happened and just be friends again. We were friends from the age of 9 until the age of 18. Thats insane to me that I threw it away by thinking we could make out without feelings happening on one end.

maybe he was one fuck up I could fix

Can you allow your 18 year old self to apologize to your now self for being a confused, impulsive 18 year old? Think about what she was seeking when she made out with her friend. Approval, love, power? Whatever it was think about why you were seeking it and dig deeper into that.

Find empathy for that 18 year old girl and completely forgive her. You are building close and healthy friendships now. You won't make the same mistakes again because you are learning from them by doing this self examination.

Good job Unagie and thanks for reminding me to keep looking back and examining and learning and forgiving.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 1:41 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1420 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to add I did this exercise of having my younger self write a letter to my now self and having my now self write back. It was VERY POWERFUL and helpful to me.

Use your non dominant hand to write from your younger self and your dominant hand to write from your now self. Write your thoughts and feelings then from your younger self (inner child) and your thoughts and feelings now from your now self. Work on forgiving and accepting your younger self.

There is a lot of information online about this inner child work. I thought it was silly new agey stuff until I did some of it myself. It was something I needed and need to do more of.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1420 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure if it's wayward behavior but it does seem like it was chasing that mythical unicorn of "closure"...which can be dangerous for some people

Find empathy for that 18 year old girl and completely forgive her.

I think these two things are key. Closure IMO is a myth and not needed with others, just yourself.

In my case, AP 1 reached out to me to closure years after we had gone NC. Since I had not done any of the needed work on myself, that opened a door, and I let her walk right through that door. It then turned into an EA that ultimately killed my marriage. Not blaming her, I should have not even taken the call or replied to the email that preceded the call. I know for a fact I was looking for external validation, looking for a 'fix' not to fix anything.

I think looking at what you have done in the past, forgive yourself for it, understand the whys, and fix the whats and whys is the important, and healthy thing.

Its great that you are examining your life. I am doing that too, and it is not fun.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys I think the magical unicorn of closure was a perfect description. I havent thought about him in years but then I read that post and I remember reaching out all those years ago and really examining it, it was closure I was searching for an when he placed hi boundary I realized that there was nothing left to need closure for. Like I said reading a post here made me think of it and as a wayward I examine a lot of past actions, this particular one happened about 6-7 years ago. I really need to examine that time in my life, it seems to be where most of my wayward tendencies began...I just realized that.

Knightsbff thanks I'll try that, I am trying to forgive a lot of past behaviors that were just so utterly stupid and destructive.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 14

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