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User Topic: My confession letter
Monster62
♂ New Member
Member # 42647
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the letter I gave BS last night. I have changed names to SI abbreviations and left out location names.

I need to tell you the truth - all of it. I know you need me to tell it. I also have to let go of what your reaction will be. I now know that my feelings on this do not matter - that you deserve the truth and that my not telling you was more about protecting me than you. I am truly sorry for that.

The affair with OW#1 started in early 1997, before the pregnancy. I remember in late 1996 that we started to hang out more - both as a group with others and otherwise. Having parties, video game nights, etc. I noticed that OW#1 seemed to be flirting a great deal with ________ (unrelated friend). He even commented on it. He told me that she had better watch out or she would get what she was looking for. That comment stuck with me and perhaps planted the first seed in my head. Then she and I started flirting. At first just small talk, but soon it got more suggestive. I think the first night that it became completely inappropriate was New Years after everyone else had gone to bed. Yes there was alcohol, but of course that is no excuse. Her and I stayed up and chatted for hours. I tried to charm her. I knew it was wrong but I didn't stop. I enjoyed getting the attention, the complements. I enjoyed giving them. I remember thinking it was nice of someone to notice how wonderful I am. That it was possible someone could appreciate me. That someone would appreciate my attention to them. I pursued it and wanted more. The thought makes me sick now. We both started making a point of staying up late with each other. At some point I knew we were beyond any point of decency, but I kept pursuing it. So did she. I am NOT placing the blame on her. Both of us did this and both of us could have stopped it before it went too far. Neither of us did. I am fully to blame for myself.

I don't know the exact date it went from emotional affair to physical to fully sexual. I know it was before you were pregnant so that would be February or March of 1997. You may think I know the exact date, but I hope you understand that I really have nothing to hide at this point. My behavior and actions were completely shameful. It progressed over several weeks - each of us pushing the line until it became fully sexual. I was not forced and I take full responsibility. Whatever details you want on this, I will give you.

While she was still with her husband, she had said she had no intention of leaving her marriage. That she had done this before and made promises to him that she would stick it out no matter what. We both said we would not leave our spouses but it was nice to be appreciated and get validation. Then her husband had another relationship and told her he was involved with her and that their marriage was likely over. I know they had a lot of talks together at that point, thought about working it out and finally decided to split up.

The affair continued through the pregnancy and beyond past when we moved from there to (place 200 miles away) (June 1998). Obviously there was a lot less contact but it still continued. I thought I was in love with her. I am sorry for how that must hurt you. I now appreciate the difference between that drug high of "affair love" and the gift you freely and trustingly gave me. I know now that what I was in love with were my own selfish needs getting fulfilled. Actually not fulfilled, but badly patched over. And in constant need of re-patching. Too late, I know.

Back then, you and I always seemed to be in barely simmering conflict or in fights (I now realize that was at least 90% of my doing - by creating a bad marriage I made myself feel OK about my actions). Some of it was the natural stresses of new job and new baby. I also did resent you for us leaving the town we met in and as the new job soured I began to feel I had sacrificed my career. I thought that we were doomed as a married couple - I painted you as uncaring and unappreciative. Of course, OW#1 agreed with that. (again, I created that world for myself to justify my actions). She couldn't understand why I didn't leave you and many times she asked me to. Sometimes I thought I would, but I could never do it. I told her I wanted to. I told her I would eventually. Other times I knew I never would but I never told her that. I would like to think that I didn't leave because a part of me still knew who I was supposed to be with and that we could be saved, but maybe it was just cowardice. I am a coward. I also now know how typical I am in this regard - adulterers always say their marriage sucks and that they will leave. I wanted my marriage and my affair. I wanted both.

It ended in stages in the Spring of 1999. She went to a wedding and had a one night stand. It ended for a short time after that, but started up again. At one point ( ? March '99) I told her we needed to stop and she should see other people - that I didn't know if I ever would leave you. She disagreed and wanted to continue. She said she would wait for me no matter how long and that there was no one else in the world for her but me. There were a few weeks after that when we didn't talk but then I called her again. I was like an addict trying to get a fix. Then about a month or so later she ended it. She had met someone else and wanted to pursue that relationship. At first I was OK, but as I realized I was no longer getting my "drug" I tried to get her back. I missed the excitement, the adrenaline rush, the addiction. I wanted it back. I made promises to her. I begged her. In a long period of incredibly despicable shameful behavior, I am even more ashamed of that.

I am trying to piece the other events into the timeline that you asked about (the trip where we dropped by to see her, the conversation you had with her, when you found the tapes). Obviously all of these would be between June 1997 and Spring 1998. I am not lying when I say I don't remember exactly when these were - you have direct knowledge of each of these events and when they happened so there is obviously no reason for me to lie. I think the trip was late winter or early spring. The discovery of the tapes would have preceded that and the conversation before that. The affair did continue after you found the tapes. (Note: mix tapes OW#1 made me)

I know I have hurt you beyond measure and beyond anything anybody should have to go through. I am incredibly sorry for this. I regret my behavior and wish I was not the kind of person who could do this. But events show the opposite. You won't believe me, but I do love you, and have been working hard to figure myself out and get better. I am so sorry for treating you like this, for betraying you and our family and our marriage. I am sorry for ever having pulled you into my fucked up life. We have two wonderful amazing children and nearly 20 years together. I know it must all feel like a lie. I am so sorry.

I really have been working hard the last 4 1/2 months to improve myself and to become a man. I think I have made progress. No matter what happens I need to continue that. I know that. In the last few months I have felt closer to you than I have ever felt to anyone in my life. You saw the ugly and you still loved me. You showed me the meaning of love in your compassion and your strength. You wanted to work with me to get better and save our marriage and our family when I clearly deserved neither. I am sorry I didn't tell you in October and I am sorry I lied again last week. In October I was not a person who could have done this. I kept thinking it would destroy you unnecessarily and destroy our shot at reconciliation. I knew I really was doing the work to get better and I was - and am - so afraid of losing you. I realize now that this was totally unfair. That I was keeping information from you that YOU needed to know if YOU wanted to be with me. That I was trying to influence your decision by controlling the information and that you had a right to make an informed choice. Even if - especially if - that decision was to end us.

I know that this deception makes it impossible to know if I am telling the truth - now or in the future. There is nothing I can do about that. Trust is earned and given and when it is broken it is broken.

I will always love you.

I will do whatever you want and need me to do.

After she read it, we talked for a few hours. She yelled at me, told me I was a monster, a piece of shit, a predator, and a failure as a human being. She is absolutely right. She is incredibly hurt at how I did this so early in our marriage - and continued it from before the pregnancy to well after. I have destroyed her. I can't see how R would ever be possible with me. I know I have to let go of the outcome and do whatever I am asked to get her through this. I keep telling myself that.


Me: WS 51
Her: BS 48
DD#1: Oct 2013
DD#2: March 2014
2 children: DS 16, DD 7

Posts: 27 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a good letter, you worked hard on it. Well done.

She yelled at me, told me I was a monster, a piece of shit, a predator, and a failure as a human being. She is absolutely right

Nope. You're not any of those things and she doesn't mean them. She is lashing out in anger because she is hurt and terrified. It's important to for you to hear that in her words. Let her vent by all means but hear what she is saying.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you just made the first step in living an authentic life. congrats! Now the real work starts. Confession goes a LONG WAY in reconciliation, IMHO.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5063 | Registered: Dec 2010
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Monster, not sure if it's ok for a BS to respond... Your wife's reaction to hearing such traumatic information is completely normal and doesn't necessarily mean that R is impossible. My H TT'd for a while and every new bit of information I learned was like being back at D-Day. Retraumatized repeatedly. I thought it was over between us when I finally learned the last bit, but the fact that he willingly told me the truth rather than me finding it out through some evidence made all the difference.

Give her time and please be there for her, even if she pushes you away. Your letter was very courageous and I hope it's the complete truth, for both of your sakes. Tell her what's in your heart, listen without being defensive, let her know how grateful you are that she would even consider staying with you and that you know how much work this is going to be for her. It's all about you helping her heal. If she can see and feel that from you, you might have a chance to work it out. That's what's keeping me with my H.

Not sure if you're in IC and MC. If it's possible, you should be.

I wish you both strength and peace.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 509 | Registered: Jan 2014
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was very brave of you to put that out on here without a stop sign. I commend you for that and for the honesty you have finally given to your wife. This truth gives each of you the best chance you have to heal, regardless of what happens to your marriage and I'm glad that you are committed to supporting your wife through this. You are both in my thoughts.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1877 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Monster62
♂ New Member
Member # 42647
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken & Rachel:

Thank you for the words of encouragement and support. It's pretty hard to feel hope right now. I KNOW my actions don't define me completely but at what point does a "good person who did a horrible thing" become simply a horrible person? How many horrible actions does it take? I spent 5 years of my marriage in two different affairs. I took advantage of her trust. She feels like such a fool because friends who noticed something was amiss and inappropriate about me with these women warned her and she defended me absolutely. Because she trusted me absolutely.

Veronique:

Thank you also. I welcome BS input. At this point I have to let any hope of R go and concentrate on doing what I need to do to help her and my son heal.


Me: WS 51
Her: BS 48
DD#1: Oct 2013
DD#2: March 2014
2 children: DS 16, DD 7

Posts: 27 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
Monster62
♂ New Member
Member # 42647
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sinsofthefather:

No, not brave. I absolutely need BS input (and WS who have gone through this of course).


Me: WS 51
Her: BS 48
DD#1: Oct 2013
DD#2: March 2014
2 children: DS 16, DD 7

Posts: 27 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
Long Gone
♂ Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that is brave.......i know it doesnt make you feel better hearing that, but this is incredibly brave. You gave your wife the truth and the WHOLE truth....knowing that you very well may lose her......but instead of protecting her...you....your life as a family unit....you did it anyways and from my stand point...you are well on your way to personal healing....your wife in time will see what you did was brave.....but I don't expect she will any time soon.....

good job


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 767 | Registered: Jun 2011
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but at what point does a "good person who did a horrible thing" become simply a horrible person? How many horrible actions does it take?

For me, there is no point. Everyone, every single human being on the planet is flawed. We have all done things that hurt others.

For example; A man who has taken someone elses life. He is in prison for his crime. Is he just a 'murderer'? No. His offence doesn't diminish the other things he is; a brother, a son, a friend, a father, a football fan. He likes coffee and peanut butter, he plays golf, he takes his kids swimming and to the park. He can play the guitar and has a sarcastic sense of humour, he gets terrible road rage. His offence, his wrong doing is just part of him.

Infidelity is the same in that it is a symptom of a flawed and broken individual but it does not define the whole person.

There is more to you than your bad choices, Monster. Look at the choices you are making now. They are good, you are doing well. Focus on now.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Monster,

Bs here, in my opinion you have taken the first step, honesty with responsibility.

Now, I can only tell you what I would need if I were your wife.

You to be proactive.

Read, everything you can get your hands on, learn the pain she is feeling, the effects on her, how she is suffering.

Compassion, empathy, remorse.

Put her needs above your own for a while, give her whatever she needs and then look for things that she doesn't even know she needs.

Be honest.

Be open, share the thoughts you had then with how you view your actions now.

Get into IC. Journal.

Express your feelings for her.

Be consistent.

Good luck to you both.

Can


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1361 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...at what point does a "good person who did a horrible thing" become simply a horrible person? How many horrible actions does it take?
I think that you are thinking those very thoughts, have remorse for those horrible actions, can understand the pain that they have caused, and are working to change who you are now makes you 'a good person who did a horrible thing in the past' - now. Now is all you have and all you can change. You have to try to focus on that and not being a horrible person now to gain your sense of self worth back. Work in honesty towards understanding how you could do those 'horrible actions' in the past so that you can then change whatever it was that allowed you to do them previously.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1877 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
devotedfool68
♂ Member
Member # 38047
Exclaimation  Posted: 9:38 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage



veronique12
Tell her what's in your heart, listen without being defensive, let her know how grateful you are that she would even consider staying with you and that you know how much work this is going to be for her. It's all about you helping her heal. If she can see and feel that from you, you might have a chance to work it out


THIS^^^^^^^^^
This is so perfectly stated. Read and re-read and re-read!

good luck m62!


Posts: 213 | Registered: Jan 2013
Neverwudaguessed
♀ Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While reading your letter, I was struck by the similarities between your story and mine and my WH's. I found out about his summer affair in September after he had ended it, and a month and a half later, he confessed the an affair 12 years prior just after our son was born. I thought I had known all of the horrible details by that point, and this new information was absolutely devastating. I questioned our entire marriage, and all of the memories I had of us as new parents, a time that I felt was sacred and looked back on fondly. Your wife will wonder about and question everything in your marriage now that she knows. How could you have held such a secret, who else knew all these years, etc.
When my Husband told me, we were both already in IC and MC (which he arranged), so we drew tremendous support from them during this brutal time. If you guys are not in counseling yet, I would suggest that you do research and schedule some appointments. For me, that gesture alone was significant because it showed me how serious he was about trying to fix what was so clearly broken.
Of course no one can predict how this is going to go for the two of you, but I have to say that I was encouraged by the part of your letter that expressed how close you have felt to your wife recently, that there was no one you have ever felt so close to in your life. Hopefully this new found connection will be enough of a thread to keep you connected as you begin the process of trying to sort through your marriage and you issues. I wish you the best of luck here. No one is all bad or all good; we cannot change what we have done in the past. However, now that the secret is out, you will have a chance to do the difficult work of examining yourself, work on your own issues and develop yourself into the best version of you so that you can get the most out of your life, whether that is with your wife or on your own. This will be the best example that you can set for your son. You may not be proud of your past actions, but you have an opportunity create a life that you can be proud of in the future if you are willing to do the work. Good luck to both of you.


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 604 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
spond
♂ Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS as well.. I would suggest you show her this site. There is LOADS for her healing here.

You have made a giant step in the right direction. Just keep being open and honest, giving her EVERYTHING she needs in order to heal, honesty and don't lie to her either.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2013
seenow
♀ Member
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The silver lining.

I had much the same experience as your betrayed. My WH was backed into a corner and had to confess his barely over LTA. Eight months later confessed to ONS at the beginning of our 20 year marriage and other inappropriate behavior.

All so devastating and damaging and over so long a period of time. But damn if that got me over the part about the AP being something special. Damn if that didn't turn the finger away from me and firmly point it where it belonged. Although I think most BS know it's not them they cannot help but dwell on that for some time. This immediately took that part away.

Edited to add - The truth (ALL OF IT!!!!!) really does help healing.

[This message edited by seenow at 10:51 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)]


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 293 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
Monster62
♂ New Member
Member # 42647
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

seenow:

Damn if that didn't turn the finger away from me and firmly point it where it belonged. Although I think most BS know it's not them they cannot help but dwell on that for some time. This immediately took that part away.

Yes, she said that last night. That one good thing was that she now KNEW it was all me and my broken horrible self that was to blame and not at all her fault.


Me: WS 51
Her: BS 48
DD#1: Oct 2013
DD#2: March 2014
2 children: DS 16, DD 7

Posts: 27 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
Ladyogilvy
♀ Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow...that is the letter I've been waiting for for the last three years. Not that I wouldn't be angry, hurt, traumatized, etc., because I would. But it is the kind of story that ruminates in my head over and over again when I try to reconcile the lies my WH has told me with the facts that I have. The lies are what keeps the betrayal current and the wound fresh. I haven't been online much recently and don't know anything about your story other than what I just read but it doesn't really matter. If your marriage can heal, now it has a chance to start. Until we know the truth, I think any progress we make towards normalcy is temporary, based on our putting everything on a shelf until we take It down again to re-examine to try to figure out the truth... Like a puzzle that just doesn't fit together.

Healing from infidelity takes a long time but it's been 3 years for me and sometimes I feel like we haven't even started because that puzzle is still driving me crazy. You gave your BS the completed puzzle so now she can see the whole picture. There's no guarantee she'll recover from it or forgive you but it's guaranteed she wouldn't have forgiven you if you had continued to lie. Look at it this way, if she forgave you when you were still lying, you would know you weren't really forgiven because she can not forgive a transgression she doesn't know about.

Forgiveness may not even be the right word... I would settle for acceptance and therefore the ability to move forward with a new reality... For both of you. Remember that the day you gave her that letter was really the first day of discovery for her. If healing is possible, it starts from here and will be based on you earning her trust. I think that means you have to be a different person than the one who betrayed her. Someone incapable of doing anything to hurt her again. It won't be easy for either of you but if you succeed, I think you'll both be better for it.

You'll probably have to be there earning her trust on a daily basis for as long as it takes, probably the rest of her life, if you want any chance to succeed in having a marriage to be proud of. It will take time for both of you to have a chance to see if it will be worth trying, but meanwhile, I don't think there's anything you can do but keep trying to be the husband she should have had to begin with. Expect the trauma to make her behavior crazy, erratic, scary... That would be normal. If she doesn't act traumatized... That would be scary. And know... Just as you need to be a different person, she will probably never be the same person again. If she's anything like me, the old her is broken beyond repair.

This your chance to do everything right... If she gives you the gift of another chance.


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1531 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Giving her that letter was a loving act, putting her first regardless of the detriment to you or your desire to R. You didn't have to do it, you chose to because you put her and her right to choose before your wants.

That is huge. That was the right thing to do, never doubt it. I wish you and your BS healing and hope.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
4everfaithful83
♀ Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BGF here, Just wanted to say that your letter to your BS seems honest and heartfelt. You've taken a big step forward. In the beginning (or when finding out new information about the A) anger is usually the first reaction. Don't give up. Keep working on you and your M.

Even though maybe it wouldn't have changed anything (who knows?) I wish I had gotten a similar letter from my WBF. It shows an effort on your part.


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 19

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