We have gone through the rigors in the last month - trust me on this. She admits that is her lowest of the lows that she could have done; she admits, she was not thinking at the time and it is her number 1 regret in life and number 1 mistake; she admits day after day how sorry she is and has done all the right things since including answering all my questions, not sparing the details that I ask for, and swears that she is telling the truth for once in her life. She obviously wants to R and intends on making amends to right her wrongs. She has backed this up by doing all the right things as well. She also has wrote me a formal apology letter and has put together a detailed NC letter for her AP. We mailed it certified to the OM two weeks ago, but he has not picked it up as yet. We mailed another one certified this past weekend and yet, he has not picked it up. Not sure if he is out manipulating another married woman, not home at all, or ignoring certified mails. But I feel strongly enough that he needs to read the letter. This will not only confirm what they did, but affirm the intent of the NC letter. Any advise on how should we proceed?
During the affair, she used her work email and phone to communicate with him. However, to reaffirm her commitment to me, since D-Day, she has setup blocks on her work email so his emails are automatically deleted, and she has changed her work phone number as well as her personal mobile number. We can still send him a mail from her work email but we would not get an answer because of the block. We can also send him a regular mail to his address but not sure if he will even read that - again, this needs to be real in her eyes. Yes, she has commited to NC, but she needs to understand that he has read her letter and knows of her intentions to NC. Should we send him an email to ensure he has it?
Again, any advise would be really appreciated.
[This message edited by after20yrs at 8:50 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)]
Thanks for the quick response. You've got a point there as we could very well send an email to him from her work account. Doesn't matter if he reads it, that's on him, but at least we have made sure her part is done.
Somehow deep inside, I feel that she needs to understand that he is in receipt of the NC letter - he may choose to read it or ignore it altogether but at least he is in receipt of it. That will be the reality check for her that he has it in his possession with a high chance that he may read it. I feel it's a must for her to know her words has reached him. I know I should not focus on him, but the reality is that I have not attempted at contacting him, even though I just want to go over there and end it all...so this NC letter (which has a lot of details on their affair) is also my voice to him ... if that makes any sense...fact of the matter is NC is up to her, but knowing how manipulative he is - he may find ways at reaching out to her so that's why I'm stressing him being in receipt of the NC from her.
Would definitely appreciate further input on him getting the NC letter, or input from anyone else out there....
[This message edited by after20yrs at 9:13 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)]
Thanks for the response and you've got a point as well, but what if he is not available to pick up the letter or what if he never accepts it. My goal here is to ensure he is in receipt of it - again a reality check for him and my WW. If he is not available or chooses not to accept, the messenger service will just return the letter to us....am I mistaken?
What you need to do is deliver him something that he will not refuse.
A cookie bouquet that you put the letter in?
Flowers or plant from a florist?
You would have to know he was home to deliver.
Good luck, what matters really is what will your WW do if he initiates contact.
This letter is more for you and I get where your head is at, you want to have the last word and let him know he didn't get away with anything you don't know about. I get it, I really do.
I just don't know if it's a good thing to poke the bear, you know?
Doesn't matter if he reads it, that's on him, but at least we have made sure her part is done.
That is it---you send the letter, and you move on.
You have to move past this. The more that the OM fills your head....for whatever reasons...the more that it hinders your healing. What if the OM did read it, and then sent something instigative? Would you be able to "let it go"?
I didn't read it before, but the only other contact, should be to his betrayed partner...if he had one. Other than that, send the NC by means to you know he received it, and remove him from your life. The two of you have a long road ahead, but it sounds like it is on the right track. Don't let your obsession with this OM derail that.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
Regular mail usually ends up in the person's hands. Whether he opens it, takes it seriously, etc. is something you have no control over, regardless of the method you send it. Pop it in an envelope, send it, and as everyone above mentioned -- move forward.
[This message edited by homefront at 8:04 AM, March 6th (Thursday)]
So far, so good.
YOU are allowing this guy to still be a part of your marriage. He is still being discussed. He is still affecting you. Let him go. Cut him from your life and your thoughts, and move on.
[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 8:20 AM, March 6th (Thursday)]
Your support means so much and thanks for the advise and thoughts. It is more apparent that yes, I do have to move forward and not acknowledge this guy or his existence.
The reason this NC letter means so much to me is because my WW ended her LTA via email and her email was a gentle breakup - meaning it didn't send home the point and left the door wide open for perhaps future contact - she closed the doors to the benefits part of their "relationship" but not to being friends - at least, that's the way I read it and from what I have discovered about him, I know he reads it as an open future invitation. In fact, I know he has tried reaching out to her afterwards, but never actually made contact.
She spent the last year not knowing if she could ever tell me but more so, because she was still in the proverbial "fog", she didn't know what this really meant to her or her circle. It wasn't until the aftermath of D-Day that she started to think about what this really meant to her as opposed to what it meant to him - she came to realize he manipulated her feelings and made her so comfortable with him but it was all just to get her into bed with him. She realized his true nature and she has come to realize just how pitiful her actions were and who really benefitted in the end. With each day that passes and each talk she has had with anyone, it seems that she is slowly working her way through the fog.
This NC letter contains the details of their relationship and she wrote it herself, but even though she took the time to write it, I need this to mean something more than just words written on a piece of paper and I feel the need to make it real to not only her but to him. Hence, my wanting to ensure he is in receipt of it. That would be the ultimate acknowledgement of NC. I agree that once it's sent, that's it - let it be, but I just want to ensure he is in receipt of it. That is an affirmation that it is real. Based on what I now understand, this guy is a player...a manipulator...a cheater and he doesn't care about who he walks over as long as he gets what he wants in life and he does this by opportunistically saying and doing all the right things that women want - seemingly, he's perfected his game. The fact is that I understand the pain this has caused me and I just don't want him to go through life thinking this is OK and working another married woman or any other woman for that matter out there. This is also why I feel he has to be in receipt of the NC letter....it has to be real to him at some point!
Thanks for all your advise as there are certainly avenues that I never thought about and I really need to think of where I'm at and where I'm going....
The purpose of the NC letter is to tell the AP it's over, respect my boundaries and leave me alone. It isn't to wax romantic, or lay out the details of the relationship. It is a simple cease and desist note, and the shorter the better.
If this joker has moved on to fresh meat, then there isn't anything you can do or say to stop him, and you certainly are going to have ZERO influence on him. I honestly think this will be more of a fog buster, his not even giving her enough respect to read a note from her, than if he would read it.
I mean seriously, she had a LTA with a guy that doesn't even have the decency to read a note from her now. He could care less about her, you and the shitstorm he created.
One big thing I learned, or relearned with my H's A was the only person I can control, and make do something is myself. I have no control over his decisions ultimately. My H's AP certainly would not be influenced by me, she like yours was a serial homewrecker. I'm sure she has continued to destroy and wreak havoc wherever she goes. It's not up to me to stop that, she will get hers in the end.
I would take a step back and reevaluate the reasons why this is so important, esp if NC has essentially been in place already. If you feel it's necessary for him to read a NC, then I suggest you make a new Email, and send a very simple 1-2 sentence NC and then your wife gives you complete control over that email. You change the password to something only you know, and if he responds you know.
I've "obsessed" (for a lack of a better term) about this NC letter only because she left the doors open when she called of the benefits part of their relationship. Again, he did try to reach out to her afterwards and she even replied but they never got hold of each other due to conflicting times. While the relationship was somewhat over, NC was never really established or addressed. So, knowing his mindset, he still thinks there is a chance of getting back with her and even if he didn't, don't think he would stop from trying. From what I have learned about him and what he did to get her in the sack, he'll stoop to all sorts of lows. He has to realize her wanting NC. Again, I do realize that in the end, it's up to her to reciprocate to his unsolicited attempts, and it's all up to her to adhere to NC and while my gut tells me that she will, I'm not sure that will stop him. I honestly feel this letter will make it all more real and put an end to his attempts altogether.
The fact of the matter is that I don't fear him reaching out, but I do fear the worst in that he may attempt to actually meet up with her whereby her own safety may be at risk. The NC has to be real to him...
My H's AP certainly would not be influenced by me, she like yours was a serial homewrecker. I'm sure she has continued to destroy and wreak havoc wherever she goes. It's not up to me to stop that, she will get hers in the end.
I've thought about the many ways of getting revenge on him, but I do understand this is not healthy and through the collective advise I have received on this site, I have realized not to make him important to me or focus on him. I know it's not up to me to "stop" him. But, at the time of the A, he was married with kids. I am not sure of his relationship status as of this moment but I don't think that even matters to him, as he will continue onwards with the next married woman despite having a wife and kids at home. Sadly enough my WW doesn't even know any personal details of him, such as where he lives, names of his family or even actual name of his wife, otherwise I would have liked to inform them of what he has done. Again, I know I can not stop or control his actions, but if I can save a husband from learning his wife and this sack of shit were having an affair and spare that husband the devastation and pain I am going through, I would like to at least give that a try....
Thanks again for your words as it certainly helps me to put things in perspective and helps me to curb some of the negativity and regain focus...
If your wife is truly remorseful the OM wouldn't have a chance with her if he did re-establish contact, and you would know this. So do you think she could possibly renew the affair? If so, don't reconcile until you have a high degree of confidence that she is sincere.
Sadly enough my WW doesn't even know any personal details of him
I agree with your need for closure on this. You need the NC letter to be signed, sealed and delivered.
Go with a process server. They will ensure that it gets handed to OM directly. Don't put your name or your wife's name on the front of the envelope. Better yet, get your attorney to draft up a short letter to accompany your WW's NC and use the attorney's envelope as stationary. The legal letterhead will certainly get his attention.
A couple of other thoughts: sounds like you setup a filter on your WW's work email to automatically delete OM's messages. You can also set it up so that it forwards YOU a copy of the message before it is deleted out of your WW's account. This will help you to know when he contacts her.
Additionally, he did not discuss his family life nor did they talk about me in their conversations. I imagine if they did, they would acknowledge from the get go that their world is more than just them - but he isolated all conversations to him and her and whatever bs he can think of, but never brought up his family or me or anything remotely close to family life. Again, he built a world where only the two of them existed - he's a manipulator and as mentioned, his gameplay was on point.
In the end, you're absolutely correct in your assessment, but she has no reason to protect him at this point and she very well understands and acknowledges that lying will not get her where she wants to get which is R.
Thanks for the insightful and honest input - it certainly puts things in perspective.
Great suggestion on the email portion and I will definitely do that.
Thank you for your support!