However, rather than being happy and excited, I am somewhat nervous and regretful. A big part of my work over the past 4 years was learning to be independent, to stand on my own two feet and not rely on a man to take care of me or even really contribute. In that way, this seems like a step backward (even though I could afford to live in the new place on my own if need be).
I also feel somewhat uncomfortable having taken this step without more of a commitment between us. While we are in an exclusive relationship and we have tentative plans for remarriage, I wouldn't call us fully reconciled nor officially "committed" in its purest definitional sense. And yes, I am fully aware of the hypocrisy of being averse to shacking up while yet having been willing to commit adultery---all I can say is I've changed in 4 years and I wanted to do things right this time around.
As for the why I'm doing it if I'm uncomfortable with it: a twofold set of circumstances exist that required us to have taken this step now; otherwise I would have waited. I just wanted to put my feelings out there.
Married 2.5 years
Reconciled after divorce
"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"
You don't seem to be ready to make that commitment yet. When days turn into months maybe years is it you that's going to regret you took this decision?
Or maybe you see this movie playing out exactly how it did before. Except there are no blinders now.
Except there are no blinders now.
Ain't that the truth.
On paper, it sounds like you both are doing everything right. Actually, you sound farther along in your healing than a lot of couples struggling through Reconciliation. Fully reconciled? I wouldn't begin to know how to define that - I think that it's almost always a work in progress. That doesn't mean that you don't get trust or intimacy back - I think it just means that you can't get back what you had... so you have to learn to be happy with the new normal.
I don't want you to look at yourself as hypocritical for wanting a full commitment. You get to seek the same faithfulness you are willing to put out. You have done so much work on yourself and you deserve respect and honesty just like everyone else.
It's ok to be nervous. Keep communicating with XH, and take things in little steps. It IS scary, but approaching it as a team will get you through it.
[This message edited by Jrazz at 3:06 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)]
it feels (oddly) like a step backward rather than one forward.
Have you talked to him about this? Because from an outside point of view it can seem very much like a step forward. He could possibly be looking at this from a very different perspective. One where he has taken a step to trust you enough to join your lives together again. Even for a "trial" basis of the lease agreement. Perhaps he wants to rest the waters to make sure he can take that final step to a more permanent commitment.
I think you have already proven that you can stand on your own two feet since your D. Maybe he needed to see you can function in a two person household again. You don't have to rely on a man to take care of you to want to live with them. It's ok to want to live with him because you love his company and want to spend as much time as possible with him.
If you see it as taking a step backwards, stop and examine why. Don't move in with him again if you are feeling regret. You could be doing it for the wrong reasons. Better to wait and be honest about how you feel than go along with it. Be sure of your feelings. You don't want to hurt him a second time.
On paper we are doing very well. I just get struck with the same old fears that I had since the beginning of our reconciliation (2 years ago in April)---that XH is content to go about our lives as though it never happened, when in reality he was completely devastated, angry, disgusted...you name it. It's like, how in heaven's name can this just be "over with" in your mind? I sound crazy when I say things like this, because I know many WSs would be completely relieved to never have to face this crap again with their spouse/SO. And it's not like I want a raging, mistrustful XH...if he has truly healed, I am so glad; I am so disgusted in what I did to him. It just goes against everything I've assumed to be "the norm," based upon what I read here. Also, as nuts as it sounds, I kind of feel guilty that I didn't have to experience the stuff that other WSs did, because he divorced me so quickly. I saw maybe a week of anger and pain. The next week was us getting along, HB, talking about trying to stay together despite the looming divorce, and then I was moved out into my new place. And then a couple of weeks after that, he told me there was no hope of R and we had such limited contact for two years.
Oh boy, I am getting off track. I tend to ramble, sorry. But all of that ^^ rambliness above was meant to explain why after 2 years of R I'm still unsure about things.
I'm not worried about lack of honesty and respect. He's an open book to me (as I am to him) and he has always, always treated me with the utmost respect even in the immediate aftermath of D-day. I guess what I'm concerned about is us just falling even more deeply into the status-quo, lethargic, coasting that we've been doing for awhile now---will it be made worse if we're officially living together again?
Walkinoneggshellz, I started typing my reply to Jrazz hours ago and took a break before I saw your post.
One where he has taken a step to trust you enough to join your lives together again. Even for a "trial" basis of the lease agreement. Perhaps he wants to rest the waters to make sure he can take that final step to a more permanent commitment.
This is a very good point and actually very likely. Thinking about it from that angle, this entire 2 years of R has been kind of on my turf in a sense. MY apartment, MY paid-for car, ME paying all my bills, etc. might have him feeling as though since I can easily "walk" at any time, my "good behavior" doesn't mean as much. Just thinking out loud here. He probably does want to see what things would be like in a situation similar to what we were in before where there is more even footing.
I don't blame him for wanting to see how things go before we move forward. The truth of the matter is, I do feel that I forfeited my expectation of a more "traditional" order to things due to my past behavior in this relationship.
Be sure of your feelings. You don't want to hurt him a second time.
To be honest, I still have many, many days where I can't believe he still wants to be with me at all after what I did.
Thank you for the good advice!
[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 5:57 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)]