And that is before you take into account the pure punishment that has been doled out on top of the consequences. The physical beatings from my wife, the constant verbal abuse, the threats, all those horrible things she said to me over and over again that roll around my head when I can't sleep.
Now I'm not complaining. I did this. I betrayed my best friend and the consequences and punishment is all part of sleeping in the bed that I made. But in having all this unfold in such painful circumstances I'm able to put everything in context and nothing compares to the worst consequence of all:
I've lost my wife.
Some days are better than others at accepting this, but today is a rough ROUGH one. I returned from vacation (brilliant time with the kids btw) with 1000 stories to share with her. It's an annual trip with our friends and there was always something so intimate about how we shared what we thought about other couples, their relationships, the way they raised their kids, etc. At the same time she went on her vacation alone and I have 1000 questions to ask her about how it went. It was a big cultural trip which she adores and I want to hear about it...the movies on the flight she watched, the local food, the sights, everything.
But I'm alone, I've lost my wife ("I murdered her" as she puts it...) and today THAT CONSEQUENCE hurts more than anything else.
We'll never be the same people again and I have a long night of crying ahead to further reflect on what I've done. Back to IC tomorrow thank God...
I'm sorry that you find yourself feeling down and out as you reflect on the consequences of your affair. I wish everyone was as lucky as I was in getting a second chance but that's not a reality that exists for many of the WS community.
While it hurts to sit there at night and contemplate the loss of your wife and marriage, it can't be what you focus on. Dwelling on guilt and shame is not the path of healing.
While feeling some guilt and shame is normal for the remorseful WS, I want to remind you that your healing is important and that means, you need to deal with the grief and loss of your marriage and that means IC.
Eat healthy, exercise, don't self-medicate and above all, find some forgiveness within or else you will find yourself in the shame spiral of self-loathing and self-hate.
Concentrate on what relationship you do have with your kids and what you can do to further your BS's healing. That needs to be your focus. You can't fall into the pity party mode. Don't forget to bring up these feelings with your IC tomorrow.
Unknown Poster - Sure, it hurts. It's massively painful; I get that, we all do. But looking in the rear-view mirror won't do anything to lessen the pain; it will only make it worse.
You've physically separated, but is BW considering R, has she filed for D, or...? It's not over till it's over.
all those horrible things she said to me over and over again that roll around my head when I can't sleep
Quit beating yourself up by replaying her words said in anger. Replace her horrible words with "you hurt me." You can agree with that, you can acknowledge that. If she wants to R, then her hurtful words toward you need to stop...but you can't control her. She'll have to make that choice when she's ready.
Physical violence is never acceptable. Women shouldn't get a pass on that, and you did not deserve that. If that happens again, consider removing yourself from the situation. For both your sakes. If she chooses to R, she may feel intensely guilty for beating and berating you, and it's just one more thing she'll have to work through to heal.
My BS hasn't made any decision yet that I know of. We agreed a 6 month separation to calm things down and decide what's next. To monitor the situation we do a monthly MC session which key value is to confirm we're not making any final decisions yet on where to go (which in and of its self is better than D).
The physical abuse was the first month after DDay and thankfully has all stopped down. The verbal abuse went on much longer but I really appreciate your recco since "you hurt me" is so much better to think about...
And Hufi, thanks for reminding me of the healing path. I didn't have any IC during vacation and I can feel it so thanks for reminding me to stay the path, focus on my own healing and the relationship I have with my amazing kids.