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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Friends With Benefits
JellyGirl84
♀ Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all,

Maybe I need some 2x4s or maybe just to vent. I don't know which I am asking for because I usually lurk and I don't like sharing too much because I feel like I can manage on my own, but if inviting strangers into my life can shed some light (that seems to happen often here for others!) then I might as well share.

I'm separated and filing for divorce. I have picked myself up by the bootstraps, and if I do say so myself, I feel remarkably proud and excited for the new chapter of my life. This may be besides the point but after the first 2 months from DDay, it had felt like a weight was lifted; like maybe I hadn't been too happy in my M either although I never would've cheated to get out of it.

Here I am though, a young and single woman. In January, I met a guy at a NYE party through a mutual friend. I made him aware of my situation when I saw the mutual attraction. He lives 2 hours away by train. He has always been the first to start conversation via text often throughout the week. He has called a handful of times. We talk about many things. We have a very strong sexual tone to our conversations and I am as much responsible. He is so darn sexy and my STBXWH was my ONLY lover.

This guy and I have spent weekends together. Many times he comes to my town and stays the weekend. We do dinner, drinks, watch movies, listen to bands, go to museums. I've been to his place once. We usually go Dutch. I feel empowered by this because it takes away the serious dating tone.

I've expressed that I'd like to try just doing a very casual friends with benefits relationship and he has agreed but sometimes, with all that he does with me, I feel like he doesn't realize that it is messing with my head. I want to keep it strictly under the label that defines us as two people, attracted to each other who are having SAFE fun but he talks about how he will be monogamous to me out of respect although I am free to pursue something more serious although he chooses not to. Isn't that talking in circles? He claims to only have been in long-term, monogamous relationships (which my friend/colleague who introduced us supports as truth) and I'm left to wonder that if this is what he is used to then is he being as honest as I am when he says he wants just FWB?

So, he talks about how he doesn't want to define what we are doing which really doesn't bother me except I feel like his actions are romantic at times. FWB....isn't that like a booty call? Booty calls don't come with all these frills but it's fun!Am I doing this wrong? I'm new to this whole thing. I find it easy to pull away from him because he lives far and it is easy to tell myself that nothing real can come from it. Also, texting all the time has led to frequent miscommunication. For example, we recently had a lovely weekend but after texting to say our goodbyes, we had a misunderstanding about something that was said and I didn't know what else to do so I suggested we only text when we want to see each other (which made me sad because honestly I DO like the thrill of "hearing" from him. I texted him the next day to tell him that I had been annoyed but now he says to avoid the confusion he just won't text much. This feels like so much unnecessary drama and mixed messages. What the heck is going on? Is it just me?

Ps. I don't want it to be said that my stuff with STBXWH is part of this. I almost feel like I let go long before his affair. I really do feel I have come to terms with my impending D and the A. I have been excited to start dating casually and have gotten a bit caught up in this guy but only because I feel like I don't have the experience to date many guys at once. I wouldn't be opposed to it but I found this guy to be interesting and wanted to see if it would remain a FWB or become something else.

I'm not sure what I'm asking but if you read anything on which to comment to lend some guidance, please by all means, I can't wait to read it. Sock it to me....gently.

[This message edited by JellyGirl84 at 9:38 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Divorced in June 2014
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
Divorced

Posts: 157 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, FWB Is like a booty call without the frills. You are in a relationship. Yet, you are lying about being in a relationship so you have to ask yourself if you are actually in a healthy place for a relationship.
Sure , you don't want to hear it's too soon because deep down, you know you aren't healed. But he turns you head and makes you feel new things. That's awesome.
It seems, from what little you've written, that he is more invested than you. Not fair to him if you aren't ready for a real relationship. ( I know he says he's fine. I've been on his end, we always say that hoping that we are the exeption)

You need to get your head on straight and figure out what you want. From reading this, I don't see signs that you do.

Don't be afraid to take time to heal. It sucks, but it's necessary

(((Hugs)))


Posts: 261 | Registered: Feb 2011
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think of a FWB as being sort of like... a hairstylist. You make an appointment, go spend your time with them, and then you don't talk again until you need to make another appointment. If you find yourself analyzing conversations or getting too emotional about it then it is probably best to just end it because it's crossed over the line from fun times to hot mess.

FWB arrangements should be fun, not work. The ideal way to feel afterwards is satisfied and maybe a little bit naughty.

Personally I don't recommend someone separated or newly D to try it. IMO if you are vulnerable or not in a great place emotionally it can be hard to keep the right boundaries.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49473 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I agree each to their own, a FWB isn't for everyone.

Some people enjoy the emotional attachment that comes with being lovers. Obviously your new partner does.

As LearningtoRun said, the best favour you can do yourself is taking time to heal. You'll still be a wanted commodity when you're ready and on your terms.

And remember most, you have nothing to prove to anyone!


Me: BH (43) Her WW 41

R'ing going,going..gone!!
Divorcing!

She no more will have that power over me. I can make, and will make, my own happiness. We we're a good team at one point, but I am great as an individual!!


Posts: 218 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a fwb relationship with a guy that was very upfront that he is unable/unwilling to commit. I appreciated knowing this up front, because it took away my obsession to analyze every word or action.

It was exactly as kitty said, much like a hairstylist appointment. It morphed into an actual friendship where I know that I can call him for advice, or vice versa.

However, there is sex involved EVERY time we meet, and we may not contact each other for a month or so between visits.

It's a very strange relationship, but it really worked for me for about 3 years. I realize that this is an unusually long time for this kind of relationship, but it allowed me to process and heal what happened to me. And it allowed me to figure out what I really want in a relationship without the drive to just get laid.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7639 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
JellyGirl84
♀ Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not LYING about anything. I don't know the exact protocol for a FWB relationship. Deep down inside I am OVER the bullshit that was my life after DDay and I will not think another moment of it when those papers are signed. No R for me just to find out years later it was all a lie. I'd rather spend my time getting to know other men.


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Divorced in June 2014
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
Divorced

Posts: 157 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not LYING about anything.

This guy and I have spent weekends together. Many times he comes to my town and stays the weekend. We do dinner, drinks, watch movies, listen to bands, go to museums. I've been to his place once. We usually go Dutch. I feel empowered by this because it takes away the serious dating tone.

To quote Learningtorun

You are in a relationship.

Relationships take all kinds of forms, sexual or strictly platonic or somewhere in between.

It does appear you have your head in the sand a bit as you are in a relationship. You spend lots of week-end time together, date (dutch or not) and are having sex. Throw in 2 kids and you're an average married couple ok. without the commitment.

It appears your friend is on his way to a broken heart and is letting you call"it" whatever you want, but he appears to be somewhat committed. On the surface, it appears you're in different places.

So to answer your original question, there is no rule book on this. If all it is is sex with a friind and you're free to date others, then its FWB.


Me: BH (43) Her WW 41

R'ing going,going..gone!!
Divorcing!

She no more will have that power over me. I can make, and will make, my own happiness. We we're a good team at one point, but I am great as an individual!!


Posts: 218 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you read up on FWB, which I did a lot when i was in a quasi-one. They generally end when one of the two want "more".

I think your friend wants more, but wont admit it because then he will lose what you have, and he's willing to take it on whatever terms you dictate.

I think you should realize his expectations are more than a FWB. (looking at his actions, not his words)

What you choose to do with that information is up to you.

is this what a FWB looks like? (which i think was your question) No.

This is what FWB looks like when one party is hoping for more. In this case, him. His history shows he isn't an FWB kind of guy.

If you dont want a relationship with him, I'd let him go.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Feb 2011
JellyGirl84
♀ Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He actually becomes annoyed with me when he thinks I'm trying to define what it is we are. He makes it a point to say that we are "FWB". Someone said above that it is possible he just enjoys the emotional connection without the commitment and I think it is more likely. Being that he lives two hours away, it'd be hard to see each other and then he just leaves so we wind up doing more to make his trip worthwhile. That's how it feels to me.

[This message edited by JellyGirl84 at 4:51 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Divorced in June 2014
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
Divorced

Posts: 157 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He actually becomes annoyed with me when he thinks I'm trying to define what it is we are.

Wouldn't that make you think maybe he isn't being honest? Even to himself?

Actually, that s not really your issue but his.

If it works for you, then it works for you. Use it to figure out what you want and dont want. I figured out i wanted more, so i found it. But while i was in it, it was just what i needed.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Feb 2011
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, he talks about how he doesn't want to define what we are doing which really doesn't bother me except I feel like his actions are romantic at times. FWB....isn't that like a booty call? Booty calls don't come with all these frills but it's fun! Am I doing this wrong?

There are no strict definitions for these types of relationships - booty call, f-buddy, FWB are all titles we give to relationships that aren't "serious." But just because they aren't supposed to be serious doesn't mean that one person won't eventually want that and get hurt.

This feels like so much unnecessary drama and mixed messages. What the heck is going on? Is it just me?

If it feels like unnecessary drama and mixed messages, maybe it's just not working for you any more. No one can answer that question but you.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7690 | Registered: Aug 2005
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm separated and filing for divorce.

While i understand the want to get right out there, time to self reflect and get back on to your own two feet before you invited another person into your life is something to consider.

To the rest of your question:

1. You need to define what you are doing. He's messing with your head because he has no idea where the lines are - and at this point, neither do you.

2. Definitions should be decided on together. IE sex with other people, do you tell or not tell? At what point do you break off in case either of you get serious about another person? What kind of benefits will you be partaking in (some acts are more intimate then others)?

3. You have to be OK with him seeing other people. You have to be OK with him possibly bringing around another person in the future (or totally cut him out of your life)

Basically - he's like a foster dog. Take him on walks, feed him, play with him, but when his forever home comes calling - you have to let go of the leash.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 12

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