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Newest Member: SoWhereToNow (44221)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Just learned after 10 years about what my wife did.
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Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question: Is this stuff usable by my lawyer if I got it without her permission?

Is that laptop also yours? If so, communal property.

Now that you're starting to get a little fire of anger brewing, please also consider turning in this adonis a-hole. That quack needs to no longer practice medicine with the kind of "ethics" he operates under. Surely, there are criminal charges ready to be filed. I think some detectives need to talk to your WW on that matter. All at your reasonable pace and capability, of course.

I think your decision for the paternity test was a good one. More so because of the medical history reasons. My thought on this is regardless if they were no your bio-children, I would fight for full custody. You were their father since birth. They only know you as their dad. Your WW is an absolute basket case, and your BF and ado-douche is clearly unfit for the responsibility.

Me- BS (44)
WW (41)
DS - 9, 12
M - 16yrs

Divorced - 5/23/14

Posts: 395 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
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Member # 36960
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my God ... Really she with him... I can not believe her. She just didn't come home and Why would that asshole answer her phone..? To through it in your face man. He is a real POS I hope you let BS know everything. What did she expect comes home tonight hi honey what's for dinner. She has to know that he answered her phone.(evil) I feel so sad for you buddy. I don't understand why people are so sick that they get off by hurting others. I have got to know what her excuse or twisted story will
Be concerning this new event that has just transpired hours ago. Extremely sorry for your pain that your wife apparently does not give a shit that she continues cause, extremely selfish self-centered.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Valencia, CA 91355
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Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stu-I just read this entire thread. I cannot express how truly horrible this is and I want to offer you support.
In my experience I received texts and emails from the MOW BH and my lawyer readily excepted them and said nothing about how they were obtained. I also obtained emails on my own by snooping. My lawyer took all the evidence happily and told me to keep it coming. I do believe there probably are some laws about this but if you are on the account or own the computer I would be certain you have the right to be using those devices. Contact your attorney to be sure and start protecting yourself.

As Jduff also said-Stu regardless of paternity fight for custody of your children. They are yours no matter what. You have been there since birth and you are the only father they have known. Fight for them, you should how zero trouble proving your WW unfit to have custody. You WW is a mess and her mental illness and atrocious behavior is not going to stop and the damage done to your children in her care will be devastating. I cannot imagine the pain for them if they lost you-you are the only stable person they have.

I am usually all for R if it is possible by two committed parties. Your wife isnt even remotely capable of R. She is fully engaged even at this very moment in deviant behavior and doesnt at all appear to be committed to her own mental health. I am so sorry but a life of continuing down this path would be too much to bear. Gather your evidence and start looking to a better, happier future. I am so sorry.

Me: BS 34
Him:WS 35
DDay 9/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 40, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 328 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
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Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I appreciate your attitude in try to do everything possible, but I going to be blunt. In my opinion, you're trying to fix a pathological liar, serial cheater, and master manipulator. It can't be done.
She's playing you, and probably others including her shrink, and the multitudes of OM, like a concert violinist.
She's telling all exactly what they want to hear, then doing exactly whatever she pleases with no real consequences. It seems everyone is letting her make and chances the rules at will. This will not end well.
IMHO, this cannot be fixed, only endured.
Face the reality that the sooner this is over the better. Good luck.

"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
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Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please tell the wife of Adonis...tell her everything.

Stu...I really have no words. The level of betrayal you are dealing with is staggering.

Stay strong.

FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7113 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
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Member # 42544
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy shit. She has the nerve to not only go back to him but also allow for him to pick up the phone. That's the biggest slap in the face for you I'm sure. I'm so sorry. She's a horrible human being. Horrible! That's more then her being mentality sick that's evil.

Please inform his wife and yes report him and his malpractice. He SHOULD NOT be a dr.

Together - 14 years
Married - 7 years
DDay- Jan 15, 2014. WH had EA/PA

Hopeful reconciliation.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Feb 2014
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Member # 42956
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Stu,

I've been reading through your thread the past couple days and finally registered just to let you know that I lend my support. I was very suspicious of your WW's first recounts of her tales and I had a bad feeling right away there was going to be so much more to your story. I'm sorry you had to go through this especially since your only fault was loving someone who betrayed you on so many levels. I'm very familiar with what bipolar does to people from both a clinical and personal stand point and though hypersexuality is a part of it, it can be managed with therapy and meds. Your wife was not managing it very well at all and was actively deceitful to you about it and so many other things. Even if her actions are fueled by a mental disorder, it's entirely on her to manage it appropriately so that it does not destroy your trust in her and your marriage like it did. It sounds like she's been justifying her actions for over a decade as "not really her" and blaming her actions on the disorder is causing her to keep repeating the pattern as you can see with further lies and infidelity on top of what has already been done. It's shocking to say the least.

I fully endorse that what you do is up to you. Your capacity to love and forgive would have to be much greater than mine to pursue R with your WW. I only hope you know that no one would blame you from walking away right now and that you absolutely deserve better than the sham of a marriage she has given you. Being a good mother to her children is the bare minimum. It's not something anyone is passing out gold stars for and it doesn't change there was one thing she horribly failed at - being a good wife to you. The road to recovery for her will be very long and hard and seeing as she's with the OM already it smacks of further transgressions and disappointments that you should not have to go through again. Think very carefully about how much more you can handle and weighing the likelihood that she will have relapses resulting in further cheating during R.

As for your children, I truly hope there is some light at the end of the tunnel and both turn out to be yours but given the time line I've pieced together reading your posts, your chances are not stellar when it comes to your first son. Know that if you do go down the path of D, your WW will have a period of darkness before she picks herself back up and moves on from this mess hopefully for good this time. I would be super vigilant if I were you about drug use and who she would be bringing around your children and I can PM you details to look for if you would like. Outing her past and present drug use to your lawyer and pushing for full custody at least for a little while immediately after D has started would be a good idea. That is something to ask your lawyer about.

Stay strong and remember that more people than those posting even are on your side and want to see you survive this tragedy.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
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Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question: Is this stuff usable by my lawyer if I got it without her permission?

Even if you can't use it in court, you very likely can use it for leverage. And since marital assets are community property, my argument would be that it was my computer, too, unless it is a company owned computer.

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson

Posts: 3931 | Registered: Sep 2005
OK now
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Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your wife just doesn't care what you think as long as there are men around to physically desire and comfort her. It could be she told you all of her past lurid history hoping you would divorce her and she could hook up with her soulmate BF.

I think that is her ultimate objective; to divorce you, marry BF and bring up their[?] children. Obviously there would be a extra spice from Adonis lover if your BF wasn't available. I wonder if BF knows what he's getting himself into? She is a true dyed in the wool sl*t.

You really need to divorce no matter what the DNA tests reveal.

Posts: 1689 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
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Member # 42605
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK now, I did something I swore I wasn't going to do, I called my former BF and had a long (controlled anger) conversation with him. I’m still putting my thoughts together about what he told me. When I have digested the things he said, I’ll be back.

Thanks for your support.

Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2014
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Member # 36960
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey buddy have you talked to your WW since your phone was answer dr. dickhead, please do everything you can to get this guy in as much trouble as possible he has it coming to him. We've got to hear what her excuse is going to be about that situation. For her to let him answer the phone is really sick thing she did you. Think about your handling this well I would have been jailed. Please keep us informed

Posts: 56 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Valencia, CA 91355
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Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stu, hey buddy, we still have your back. I understand your need to get as much information as possible, but you really need to consider the sources. Obviously, she is going to lie to you because, well that's all she knows how to do. Your XBF is going to color all the information he gives you in order to put himself in the best light.

strength brother.

BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2540 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
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Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know...I keep thinking about that conversation you had with your buddy at his place..when he smiled at you and asked if your WW "still does that thing in bed." In light of what you now know..he was clearly mocking you.

I wouldn't ask your ex-friend one damn thing. Your WW may be mentally ill...but him? He's not. He was deliberate in his actions. Nothing he says means jack shit.

FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7113 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
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Member # 22386
Concerned  Posted: 9:17 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your ex-friend, like your wife, is a liar. Keep that in mind when you are trying to digest your conversation with him. He is a liar.

Posts: 7389 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
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Member # 42605
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread has not been easy to write. I realize over the last month I’ve laid my life out for public scrutiny. That was easy to do. I had a specific question and delusions about what my life had been, not what it was. Then it evolved as the lies became evident. Now that I can see clearly the deceit, the truth is painful. My wife is sick and her illness has sucked us, my children and me, into her crazy manic world of drugs, sexuality and other abnormal behaviors. No matter what direction our lives take, my children and I, she will always, to some degree be involved with us.
As the mother of my children, I felt an obligation to at least make an attempt to help her; now partially aware of what her mental health issues are. Calling the one person I believed, who really knew her, was a direction I thought I should take; my former BF. As it turned out it was a mistake. He was no help and is no better than that Adonis scum.
Learning that my wife spent the night screwing a guy she’s had a physically abusive relationship with in the past, it compelled me to do something. I contacted my former BF, who has had a long history with her to find out what he knew and if he could assist in helping her. I told him she was with Adonis now, and if he really cared he should do something about it. He said she has been seeing him on and off for years. He had tried, but there is something that keeps drawing her to this guy, especially when she’s off her medication and manic. I said what about going to his wife. He said they don’t live together as husband and wife, they just live in the same house; she doesn’t give a dam about him. He was screwing co-workers and she found out and about all the other women he was screwing. He said that, I as her husband should find out about putting her into a hospital for treatment (I have, it’s not easy).
I asked about their relationship and why he didn’t tell me about it when he found out I was dating her. He said, “His relationship with her went back to high school, and it grew into just casual sex, the romance died almost at the beginning. She’d F…k anything with paints; for drugs, money, a place to sleep, or the fun of it; especially after high school graduation.” He said he cared about her and has tried to get her help (he did get her into rehab once), but when she gets into her “mood”, she just wouldn’t listen especially when she’s off her meds.
He said he was sorry about everything, but “their relationship turned into a thing over the years. When she needed comforting she’d come to him to talk and then they would have sex. Then the sex was just what they did. Because of their connection she would do anything to please him without question or commitment.” He liked her needing him and the sex; especially the sex. “It was like an on call service 24/7,” he jokingly said. “What guy wouldn’t want that?” He didn’t want to give that up; he added, not even for his wife. He and she would get together frequently during his and our marriages. He said, “She held our marriage together by being with him. She could be that crazy lady with him and she knew he understood; there weren’t any strings, and then the sex.” I said you’re no better than that Adonis guy. You were using her! He repeated, “We had a thing, who would give that up; the sex”, he said again. I told him he was using her as his personal whore! He said, “NO, I was helping her and you keep your marriage together.” (He was supposed to be my BF; family? How could I be so wrong about someone I thought I knew and trusted? How did I get involved with these people?)
We talked a little longer and I asked about paternity, about him and Adonis. He said that the last thing he wanted was another child with her. (She had told me about giving up for adoption that child.) That he was very careful and when he and she were fooling around he would feel for the diaphragm and made sure to use a spermicide. He would think that the Adonis guy would be careful too. My wife was one crazy lady and he knew you needed to be careful and NOT TRUST A THING SHE SAID; especially about birth control. As far as he knew Adonis never fathered any children with the many women he screwed. He said he was the type who’d cover his ass. After getting that info I was feeling a little better about my paternity. I asked him, if now that he and she were about to be free what’s up for them. He said, “He liked the relationship just the way it was; he was there, 24/7 for her.” (What he really meant was for him.) It ended with my telling him to get help.
As I said, this wasn’t an easy conversation to have. I have spoken with my wife’s psychiatrist and he is going to do medically what he can. My lawyer has been kept up to date with info and has documentation I supplied. I should be hearing from the lab about my paternity soon. I’m feeling good and I'm arranging for counselling for my children if it is necessary.

Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2014
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Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stu, as I posted earlier, for a story so tragic, you and your wife are unbelievably calm.

It is this calm, along with the facts that do not line up that is beginning to also give me doubts about the validity of this thread.

I mean you have gone from a gut feeling that she may have gone too far with a date, to a story where this same guy has been banging your wife for 10 years, supplying her with drugs, she is doing the fathers of the friends of your kids, doing other guys that the first date guy sets up and has been doing your friend for 10 years too.
She contacts your BF wife before you do, although she already claimed his wife knew earlier. Then immediately upon you spending a night apart, she has arranged to bang you friend again, this time in your own home, but he ends up in hospital. That delay doesn't hold her back, she bangs the Adonis again and you speak with him directly - without stating your reaction to him?

All this coming down, and you are calm. You talk with your BF, not beat the sh_t out him! But you will get back to us with what was said, I mean aren't you seething at that moment?

Nor do you say what your conversation was with the Adonis doctor who answered her phone, or do you do anything at all to this guy. I mean according to you, this guy has done everything possible to make your wife re-visit her supposed past before marrying you - drugs, porn, passing her around for tricks. Yet you do nothing to him, you don't contact his wife, the hospital he works at or your lawyer to seek charges against him.

I mean you are just too damn calm, your wife who hid this for 10 years now flaunts it in your face. Your story has made me think about things that I may not have noticed with my own relationship, but it has become too much for me to actually believe.

If I am wrong, and your story is actually taking place as you claim, then you need to take some serious action to protect yourself and the kids (if you chose them to stay with you). Financially, legally and morally with the A-hole doctor, and your supposed friend who was banging your wife while smiling at you.

Happy trails.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2013
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Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alback, I have read other posts who question the facts. There is one common denominator, there is a lot of info (crap) in 20 pages of posts and not all of it is read or read correctly. This is a public form that I have poured my emotions into for guidance. All of the friend’s comments have been helpful in my arriving at where I am now, even yours. Am I pissed that ten years of my life has been a sham? YES. That I have been lied to by people I trusted? Yes. As an individual who has had to work hard to get to where I am professionally, you need to maintain control of yourself. Maybe it’s the way I presented the facts in writing that bothers you (no attack meant). However, writing those posts has helped ME put things in perspective and get the anger out of me. The time it takes me to write this response gives me time to think and work through my grief and anger. I appreciate your comments; they have given me more to contemplate. Right now I am hopeful that the results of the DNA testing will prove that my children are mine biologically. That is where my focus is now. My wife and her problems are behind me and I am looking forward. If the DNA results are not what I’m hoping for, I’ll have to deal with that issue. But right now I’m OK and so are my children.

Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2014
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Member # 42605
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just another thought.
Alback and others, if you don’t know anything about bipolar disorder or mental illness please research it. In order for me to come to understand my wife’s issues I had to read and learn a lot. A few pages back a friend explained what her bipolar son went through, it was educational for me and I thank her for that post.

Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2014
OK now
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Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A key issue that needs to be considered is just what is your wife's respect and feelings for you? A few days ago she went running to the BF and when that didn't pan out she went with Adonis. Presumably she committed further adultery with him.

If you have little value in her eyes and even less respect, what is there to reconcile with? Even if she promised to be faithful from now on, and the kids are yours [fingers crossed], there is nothing but convenience to justify rebuilding the marriage. Certainly not love.

To paraphrase a line from a Supertramp song, your wife's attitude seems to be 'Not much of a husband, never seem to get a lot"
I'm sure you can do better than the future your WW is offering you, particularly with her mental health issues.

Posts: 1689 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
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Member # 42605
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At this point, I don't care what she thinks of me! I’ve lost a lot of sleep and weight since January over what has gone on between her and I, and it's now in the hands of my lawyer. She has moved in with my former BF (not Adonis), will move into my apartment once my stuff is out. In a moment of sanity, she said it would be best for the kids to stay with me in the house. She will see them daily for now. We will work out arrangements later. I spoke with her doctor earlier and he is working on getting her help; but she needs to work with us on this effort. I am using the children as pawns in this right now, if she wants to see them, she has to cooperate.
Those of you with experience, please advise so I can have all my ducks lined up. I don’t want any surprises.

Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2014
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