[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 10:00 PM, March 27th (Thursday)]
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
As tragic as your story has been, as it unfolded, I still can't help but think that your wife is trying to communicate to you....it is just in her fucked-up ability to do so.
I also agree with gonnabe's assessment of her being passive---to a certain extent. Your wife still has no clue on how to be open with you.
But she isn't shutting you out. Giving you full access...willingly...to her psych doctor, is one example of that.
I think that it is really going to come down to what you can mentally handle. You are going to learn more heartbreaking information, as you delve deeper. My guess is that you are about 75% of the way there. Do you have it in you to dig for the last 25%?
I don't think that there is a wrong answer at this time. If you want out, you are more than welcome to do that with a clean conscience---your WW's prior actions have seen to that. But you seem to be holding out for a possible happy future together, and I don't see anything wrong with that. You are still getting cooperation---although it is still mixed with lies and half-truths. That is better than many members get here. And if you are willing to keep trying, then who are we to tell you otherwise? Now, if your wife was uncooperative, and shutting you out....that would be a different story.
It's your call. It always has been. But you can't forget to put yourself first. You have to continue working on finding the "old" Stu.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
Two sons; 29 & 27 years old; I'm remarried
we are still here. We still have your back!
On this current path, I believe that it is ultimately going to come down to (2) factors:
(1) Will you be able to work past the atrocities and betrayals of your WW?
(2) Will your WW ever have the capacity to love you like you deserve?
Again, I know I am beating a dead horse, but she is trying to communicate. It is just that she is so damaged, that repair(at least to an acceptable extent) may prove impossible. Especially that you have now discovered that there was no "pre-marriage bad girl vs. post-marriage good girl" anymore. The betrayals have been continuous and never-ending. But that decision doesn't need to be made today...unless you want out.
5454 continues to remind you to work on yourself. I can't stress that enough. I think that if you look back from your first post, you will see that:
--You felt compelled to ask your wife to marry you, over the phone, when she said that she was going to hook up with a guy. And you knew her propensity to sleep with men right away.
--You were certain that your wife was faithful from the moment of engagement. That she was now a changed person.
--You were certain that the OM was your best friend. He was probably your "closest ally" up until a few weeks ago.
--You were unaware of your WW's frequency(or infrequency) with her psychiatric doctor...during your entire marriage.
By know means is the above meant to be insulting. But these are important topics to discuss with your IC in building back a healthier, stronger Stu. Your mental health is paramount right now, and you need to keep focus on that. You have been dealt enough trauma to last several lifetimes...and the hits keep coming. So if nothing else, PLEASE take care of yourself. You have come very far, and you sure as hell have my admiration.
We would double date, he’d join us if he didn’t have a date, he’d hang out at our apartment, we’d go to the community pool with him, he’d accompany us on many short vacations; everywhere we went, he tagged along, or we went with him. After we were married the same pattern continued. He come over after work and stayed for dinner, he’d be at our place on the weekends or we’d go to his. My wife and he would go to cultural events together, I didn’t like those things. Even though he was my BF, I’d complain to my wife that we never had time to ourselves. She always defended him. There were weekends that he slept over in the guest bedroom; even during the week. After he got married my wife and I would visit him at his home. It was my wife who would drag us to his place. This continued even after the children were born. It was so common, it was just part of our life; I thought nothing of it after a while. Remember he was my BF, like a brother to me (family).
She said she needed him for support and would see or call him when she was feeling a change in her body emotionally (depression). After I got my apartment she called him and he was on his way to see her when the car accident happened.
Wow. That's cake-eating at its worst that I have heard.
All I can say is that a good relationship is built on trust. I think it comes down to if you can ever trust her again. You've just uncovered a mountain of lies and managed deceit that would make the KGB green with envy.
Regarding the paternity of the children, she has no idea who the biological father is
What kind of wife would ever do that to a faithful, loyal supportive husband? She has free will and deliberately made decisions that would give other men the chance of fathering her children and you the job of bringing up these children. This is contempt and disrespect for you of the highest level. Its possible all the babies she has borne in her life have been fathered by the OM. Thats a very strong emotional connection.
There were weekends that he slept over in the guest bedroom; even during the week.
IMHO you should tell her the only chance of reconciliation would be if both the kids were yours and then get them tested.
Bear in mind she feels very sorry for you, but her treacherous heart belongs to sleezeball BF.
I just wanted to offer a word of advice about the DNA test and make sure that you avoid any possibility of tampering or mishandling.
I hear you that you gave the samples to your friend to be tested. HOWEVER, I would just run a parallel testing via a conventional procedure, that is mail it in a lab without anyone you or your wife know touching it.
I know it sounds extreme, but with everything that has happened to you and your story, you never know.
Regardless, I hope that you and your kids get through this with as little damage as possible. I know you already know that the kids are just innocent by-standards... hopefully, they will not become collateral damage.
Best of luck to you.
She said that she hasn’t acted out with anyone for a few years and has been faithful to me.
Since you were at your new apartment, we were going to meet at the xxxxxxx motel; that’s why her girlfriend was originally called to babysit,
My impression of your WW is that she is with you because you offer her stability and security and she knows that you have her back. When you started this thread, you were under the impression that she had been a faithful wife (and if you recall, I expressed my doubts about that based on the other stuff you had written).....and you know now differently. My question is, though, what has she REALLY given to you? What has SHE brought to the table? Nothing but illusory bullshit. she has portrayed herself to you as someone who she's not.
I have dealt with the *long-con*, and a (now)stbx who has some pretty serious FOO issues and, most likely, some type of 'diagnosis'. I remained in that marriage for too long after Dday because of the marriage vows that I took. The problem is that the marriage vows are meant for people who are acting with the good-faith intention of remaining true to them, they are not meant to hold someone hostage in a situation that is abusive. "In sickness and in health" doesn't mean that just because she's bipolar and has had an ongoing relationship with your BF that you are just supposed to 'suck it up.' (I'm reallyhaving a hard time with the fact that your WW arranged a meeting with BF when you moved out....)
I am glad that you chose to do the paternity test. Having that kind of question hanging over your head would just be too hard. Some people can do it (but I don't know how). What you HAVE to remember is that YOU are the only dad those kids have known. You ARE *dad*. I'm crossing my fingers that the results come back and show that you are bio-dad.
I had a gut feeling that the A never ended when you wrote about her meeting him after the car accident.
Hang in there, all of this sucks, but you now know your wife has continued to lie, even at the psychiatrist's office.
[This message edited by trojan007 at 6:41 AM, March 31st (Monday)]
… that she is with you because you offer her stability and security and she knows that you have her back.