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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Just learned after 10 years about what my wife did.
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is in the hospital.

Are you sure? I don't think I would take her word for anything.

Once again, her story does not add up. I find it highly improbable that she is the only person on his contact list. And actually, even if she is, WHY IS THAT???

If she went to be a good samaritan, why did she have to stay all night?

Just seems full of holes. Again.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1076 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
cliffside
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another thought. Have you called the hospital and asked them to put you through to his room? I also suspect the hospital is a bunch of BS.

Call his wife. Tell her this "story" too.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
stu23
♂ Member
Member # 42605
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I called the hospital, he's there. I called his wife, she told me the accident happened after he took more of his things from their home. She also told me that my wife wasn't the only women he had slept with. He confessed to her that he had hooked up with a woman from work and that it had been going on for almost 2 years. She told me she went snooping after my wife's confession to her and found mail from this woman on his computer. She told me she didn't give a shit what happened to him and she wasn’t going to the hospital.

Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2014
Losconang15
♀ Member
Member # 42544
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Stu, he's obviously a piece of work :/ looks like his wife had enough of his nonsense.


Together - 14 years
Married - 7 years
DDay- Jan 15, 2014. WH had EA/PA

Hopeful reconciliation.


Posts: 73 | Registered: Feb 2014
stu23
♂ Member
Member # 42605
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have learned a lot about him that sucks. He told his wife he was a "Player" and only did what nature gave him to use to do it with. He is an ass!
He was my BF and was to cover my back, not screw my wife behind it. My wife told me they had been intimate on and off from the time I started dating her up until 5 years ago; that's almost 8 years. He may or may not be the father of one or both of my children. If he is, I'll never be rid of him! My wife said she stopped screwing around 5 years ago. He and she remained friends without benefits for the last 5 years. At this point I have no idea what the true facts are with her or her buddies? Since I started IC I'm focusing on ME and my supposedly biological children; I'm becoming a mental case regarding this aspect of being their father.

Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2014
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night I didn’t spend the night at my house, I found an efficiency unit a few blocks away and slept there.

Rather than burning up your phone with apologies or worrying about how the children will take their Fathers absence, she spent the night with Dufus(former BF)?

I am curious, has she ever(since this came out) discussed her diagnosis with you? You said she was going to let you speak with him/her. Is that her physician or psychologist? When she was in therapy, who presided?

Stu, have you seen a physician yet? Given her sexual proclivity, I'm surprised that she hasn't contracted more than a few STD's. You have been exposed. No intimate contact till you SEE the results.

Since I started IC I'm focusing on ME and my supposedly biological children; I'm becoming a mental case regarding this aspect of being their father.

Good for you.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2683 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can see your point about not wanting to DNA test your children at this time; the trouble is it affects reconciliation with your wife. If they are truly both your kids, as your wife claims, then maybe you can get past her infidelity in time and successfully rebuild your marriage.

If however one or both are not your children then consider the facts. A woman is quite aware of her fertile periods; around 3-4 days of every month. She must have had sex with the OM knowing there was a strong likelihood of pregnancy if the act was carried out inside that fertile period. But she went ahead with the unprotected sex anyway. That it makes it a more or less deliberate attempt at conception with a man who was not her husband. This is probably the most treacherous betrayal a woman can carry out.

This should affect your decision to reconcile; so the DNA test is advisable unless you do not intend to reconcile at all, no matter what. In that case you could dispense with testing, divorce and get on with your life with someone new.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
cliffside
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wait a minute. Something just dawned on me. If you spent the night at an efficiency, and she spent the night with him - who was watching the kids?


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find it very telling that your wife was his emergency contact. Not his wife...yours.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7260 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Losconang15
♀ Member
Member # 42544
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cliffside - he said that the babysitter stayed with the kids all night.

Stu- you will always be their father. If they are not yours biologically they are in every other way. They can't take that away from you. Plus, you are their father no matter how many ways you want to slice it. If they are sick and need someone, they want their daddy- YOU.


Together - 14 years
Married - 7 years
DDay- Jan 15, 2014. WH had EA/PA

Hopeful reconciliation.


Posts: 73 | Registered: Feb 2014
cliffside
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Got it, I missed the part about the sitter. Stu, just to clarify when I called BS on the story, I meant what your wife was telling you sounded like BS.

How are you today?


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DNA tests are at WalMart, Walgreeens, CVS, Rite-Aid, etc. about $30, plus about $125 for lab fees when you send them in.
Results in a 3-5 business days, by computer or phone. 99% accurate.
Requires a cheek swab. Simple.

Get it done and get on with it.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
stu23
♂ Member
Member # 42605
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This morning I met with my wife’s psychiatrist and he explained a number of things about my wife. The major point was she is bipolar and he believes she might have been raped at age 11 when she lived in Mexico (this is what she told him). I asked if that’s why she has a history of being sexually intimate with almost all of her male friends. He went through various explanations and then used a term, hyper sexuality relating to her; I’m not sure I fully under stood. He unloaded an extreme amount of info which was over whelming. I asked how I could have lived with her for years and been oblivious to her condition. He said that since she had relationships with other men this gave her an avenue to vent at and with them instead of you (me). He also added that the non-prescribed drugs she was taking would also have affected her. When she was in rehab, part of her therapy was medication to help with her bipolar disorder, but her history suggested she took them sporadically, significantly reducing their effectiveness. He went on to state that for the last few years he’s been seeing her, she’s been taking her meds more consistently. I asked why I didn’t know she was seeing him. He said she wanted it kept between them. He was also very frank about my wife’s relationship with my former BF. He said she had a very strong emotional bond relating to him. I asked about their sexual connection. He was hesitant, but said, my wife gave him “permission for full discloser.” He said he would rather continue this discussion with her present if she was agreeable. A lot of what he was telling me sounded like BS, but I know virtually nothing about mental illness. He also said that her emotional and sexual dynamics were connected. Later in the day I went to IC and discussed what I learned this morning with my psychologist. He was helpful in helping me sort through what I learned. This info is not everything we talked about. A lot more was discussed about my relationship with her from the beginning as well as my children’s well being.
If any of you have firsthand info dealing with mental illness, please let me know your experiences and how it was dealt with.

Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2014
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn Stu I just got caught up on your situation and I really can't believe that you are still there. That's an awful lot to take in. You have to do what is best for you and your family.

Your wife is truly a deceitful person and it seems there's no limit to her lies. You don't deserve this at all buddy. I'd seriously investigate all of her claims. Sounds like a lot of fabrication going on there to make you feel sorry for her. Maybe I'm wrong but it appears that way.

She is twisting and turning every chance you get and as others have said there is more still yet to come. Stay strong man and use your head. Don't keep getting used and abused like that.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 588 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree with Uhtred; out come the psychiatrists with all the excuses for your wife's blatant cheating; as if she didn't have any free will and was powerless in the grip of her bipolar condition. It would seem she cannot determine between right and wrong.

So you have a cheating wife who is love with your BF and may have fathered her children with him. For heavens sake what are you waiting for? Just how much abuse are you going to endure before you pull the plug on this marriage? To your WW you are just the guy who materially supports her children, who very well may not be yours. Her heart belongs to your treacherous BF.

Carry out the DNA tests; if the kids are fathered by BF, take him to court for back child support. Might as well get some retribution out of this tragic mess.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Ciao_Bella
♀ Member
Member # 9952
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My son has bi-polar disorder and for a few years I attended monthly family support groups and read a ton of books on the subject.

People with Bipolar disorder often have serious issues with impulsivity (especially during a manic episode), are hyper-sexual, and very often suffer from substance abuse issues (trying to self-medicate).

Your wife should have told you about her diagnosis, since this illness impacts the whole family.

Some people are helped by medications and or a cocktail of medications. My son was a total zombie on his meds, and hated taking them, and found that they made him feel “flat” emotion-wise.

What ended up helping him far more than the medications was a local “DBT” program. DBT stands for Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Some mental health clinics call it “CBT” which stands for Cognitive Behavior Therapy. He went through this program for 1 year and by the end of the year he had learned to manage his mood swings through the techniques he learned in his DBT program and was able to wean himself off the meds under the control of his doctor.

For him, it was a life-saving program, and the ONLY thing that helped. He’s been leading a mostly “normal” life since, holds a steady job, purchased a condo recently, and maintains an active social life including being very involved as a volunteer in his local community helping others with BP disorder and substance abuse.
I strongly recommend a year long stint in either DBT or CBT therapy for anyone who is dealing with Bipolar disorder

Your wife’s BP disorder does NOT excuse her behavior, but it might help explain some of it. I know my son did some things during the worst period of his BP days that were off his moral compass, and when he finally re-gained control of his mood swings he felt bad about things he did to hurt others (not infidelity since he’s single), such as promise to do something with a friend and then not show up as promised which is NOT normal for him.

It’s a huge undertaking just to deal with a family member’s BP disorder diagnosis, but on top of that you’ve been dealt shit storm of other major issues to deal with by your BS.

Ciao


Me (BS)Divorced from WS. He was diagnosed NPD by two Psychologists. He continued his affair with married OW for 13 years until he died in Oct 2011.

Two sons; 29 & 27 years old; I'm remarried


Posts: 365 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Michigan
stu23
♂ Member
Member # 42605
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ciao Bella, thank you for your positive encouragement that my wife’s future as a person can be a positive one. My dilemma is if I leave her now, I feel guilty, and if I stay, I feel trapped.

Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2014
stu23
♂ Member
Member # 42605
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do need to add that my wife’s psychiatrist was guarded in many of his comments to me. HE SAID IT WOULD BE UNPROFESSIONAL OF HIM TO DIVULGE CERTAIN THINGS SAID BY MY WIFE. He stated that if she wanted to tell me her most inner thoughts that was her decision. I’ll discuss this with her tomorrow.

Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2014
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked about their sexual connection. He was hesitant, but said, my wife gave him “permission for full discloser.” He said he would rather continue this discussion with her present if she was agreeable.

I am going to give you a heads-up right now in regards to the question that you asked the psych....you are NOT going to like the answer to your question.

Something that seems to have gotten lost along the way is the state of your *now*. Your wife's involvement to this point seems very passive. You ask questions and she answers. She allows permission for her IC to speak to you.....but lets HIM tell you about her bipolar diagnosis.
Has she addressed the *who's the daddy* issue with you at all? Have you expressed to her your misgivings about the paternity of the kids? (maybe you have, I start to forget what has and has not been discussed in these really long threads).

I guess what I'm wondering is.....is she sorry???
Is she being proactive or just sitting back and letting you talk? Has she even mentioned the bipolar diagnosis to you.....or did she leave that for her therapist to do?


My dilemma is if I leave her now, I feel guilty, and if I stay, I feel trapped.

The secret relationship she had with your BF is more than enough reason for you to feel NO guilt about leaving if that is what your ultimate decision is. It would be one thing if your WW had been struggling with this bipolar disorder and trying to manage it -- with YOUR knowledge.....but all of this crap has been kept hidden from you. Go back and re-read your first posts. Your perception was that she had been an awesome, ideal wife for the past 10 years.....and you have discovered that everything you *knew* to be true, isn't.

Again to drive home my point.....it is not as if a diagnosis was *just found out* and you look at her with disgust and run away. She has KNOWN about this and she KEPT IT from you (along with a LOT of other things). She has been (or was supposed to be) taking medication to manage this disorder. I'm going to assume that you had no idea about any of it. If you ultimately decide to leave, you will have nothing to feel guilty about.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7876 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(posting again because we cross-posted)
Your wife's involvement to this point seems very passive.

From reading what you wrote while I was taking a ridiculous amount of time crafting my response....I get the feeling that your WW's IC was put in an uncomfortable position. I'm getting the feeling that the IC was very uncomfortable that your WW put him in the position of being the middleman. He, most likely, knows that SHE is the one who should be providing you with the information you are seeking and he may have been feeling pretty *icked out* that HE was the one who was being made to do these reveals.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7876 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
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