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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Just learned after 10 years about what my wife did.
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I know this won't be very popular. But. If you really feel that way,stu, that finding out one, or both, of your kids are not biologically yours, then don't take a DNA test. I think it would do far more harm than good. You love them. They love you. You are daddy. If finding out they are not yours will cause you to be unable to love them as you do now, then don't take the test.

Yes,.

I know everyone.

I do.

I understand all of the "it's not fair" and "he shouldn't have to be responsible for kids who aren't his" and "he has a right to know". I do. I understand. But in most states, if children are born while the two parents are married and living together, the husband is automatically legally their father. So finding out they are not his won't make a difference. He is legally responsible.


His oldest is...what? 10? A 10 year old little boy. Stu is dad. I can only imagine what would happen to a little boy that age who suddenly loses his dad because mom was *all kinds of fucked up.*


What happens to those children if they lose their dad? They're left with their mom. This mom. Im thinking these kids could wind up just like mom..they might follow in her footsteps. For 10 years stu has thought these were his children. He loves them. He is a great father.

Stu..you care about these kids. You are their dad, regardless of DNA. I strongly urge you to do what is best for you AND your children..just as any parent here would do.


As I said, I know this won't be the popular opinion. We all know how important living *the truth* is. One one hand, I see every valid reason to get a DNA test done NOW. OTOH, Im looking at this as a child who had a dad..and he left me. I know how much that fucked me up. I also have a 10 year old little boy. The thought of his suddenly having his dad walk away is excruciating.(Though I do know it happens..way too often) It would forever change who he is.

You don't have to do *anything* right now, stu. Other than STD testing, unless you've already had that done..both of you. You have been fed one of the shittiest shit sandwiches that I've seen her on SI. You can take some time to process things before you make your next move.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7318 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
stu23
♂ Member
Member # 42605
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok now and confused615 your advice is appreciated. But after heavy thinking I donít want to have testing done at this moment. The comment, ďI think it would do far more harm than good. If finding out they are not yours will cause you to be unable to love them as you do now, then don't take the test.Ē I would rather live with the uncertainty, this way I can say they are my children. I would rather live with it being this way for now than to find out conclusively they arenít my children biologically.
As I just said, ďevery time I (would) look at them, hold them, touch them, and kiss them it would be a reminder of that man my wife allowed to make love to her, not me. It wouldn't be a mental picture that I'm re-playing 24/7 that might diminish with the passing of time, but a real concrete statement of what occurred. Their smile, laugh wouldn't be a reflection of me, but him. My grandchildren wouldn't be mine, but his. All that would be his, whoever that might be for posterity, not mine.Ē Right now I canít go there; the negative results would possibly kill me (emotionally) and push me into depression. I need all the strength to get through this, for me and MY children.

Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2014
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't have to do anything right now..or later. You can always change your mind. But once you take the test, it can't be un-taken, so to speak.

You're doing fine, stu. With everything you have learned in the last month, it's amazing that you manage to get out of bed every day.

Try to do something nice for yourself today.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7318 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing wrong with your approach stu, as you said a negative result could be too much to bear at this stage.

Then calmly tell your wife that you have no idea whether the children are yours or not, whether you are the father or not, and this doubt will remain for the rest of your life. Every time you look at your children you will wonder and be reminded of her frequent adultery.

Your WW will then have to go through the rest of her life with this sadness; that you have these doubts. If she is certain that the children are yours she will then pressure you into carrying out the DNA test just to clear this issue up and cement family bonds. After all she will partially enhance her reputation at the same time - at least she ensured that you were the father of your kids. This would definitely help reconciliation.

If however she seems relieved when you tell her about your decision not to test and doesn't suggest testing herself, then it would seem to indicate that she shares the same parentage doubts.
I know that if I was your wife I would demand testing to clear my name and remove any barriers between you and your children - If I was convinced you were the father.

Wonder what her response will be? If she is innocent of the charge of conceiving a child by another man, won't she want to clear her name with DNA testing?


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stu, I know, it's a tired refrain. Work on you. You don't need to make ANY decisions right now.

I will take exception with something you stated.

Their smile, laugh wouldn't be a reflection of me, but him. My grandchildren wouldn't be mine, but his. All that would be his, whoever that might be for posterity, not mine.Ē

IMO, that's not true. Everything that they are today is a direct reflection of you. You raised them, you comforted them when they hurt. You shared in their joys. The life they live today is directly attributable to you. In short, you're their Dad.

Again, my concern for the paternity is strictly from a medical/legal standpoint. What and why you decide is up to you.

If it's not too presumptive of me, may I suggest you start another thread in General. Something along the lines of "Paternity testing, pro's and cons". I think you might be startled at how many here are dealing with something similar.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
ďI have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.Ē
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2725 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You do what you feel that you need to do, at this moment in time. What you have stated makes complete sense, so if this decision makes you more comfortable(or less uncomfortable), then I am all for it.

You can always revisit this issue whenever you like.

Their smile, laugh wouldn't be a reflection of me, but him. My grandchildren wouldn't be mine, but his. All that would be his, whoever that might be for posterity, not mine.

In genetics only.

Don't you believe in Nature vs. Nurture? You are the influence of these children. Please don't cede your children to these other people...they can NEVER have the positive influence on your children that you have. Hell, you appear to be the ONLY ONE who has continually had their best interests in mind. You are a great dad, and the best thing that could ever happen to those kids, would be your continued role in their lives.

I am so fucking pissed at your wife and her lover(s). Cheating wasn't enough? She had to betray every part of what is sacred to you?

In spite of this, keep her talking. You are so deep in this hole, that you must be nearing the bottom. Then, when you feel that you have all(or enough) of the information, you can make more informed decisions.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2042 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
cliffside
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've read through most of the posts but did skip a few. Here's what bothers me. You need a written timeline STAT. It still doesn't make sense. She said she went to one year of college and then dropped out. Now she was in college living with your BF and he introduced her to drugs. So she would have been a Jr. In college. If I may ask, how old are you? I only ask because I could probably write you a timeline based on what you've posted.
Another thing. You believed she was on the pill? Why? This is a conversation most, if not all, people in a relationship have. "Are you on the pill? "no, I use a diaphragm".

In regards to Puerto Rico. Can she give you the names of even one person she went there with? That whole story sounds ridiculous.
I'd want names and without letting on I'd track one of them down and find out their side of the story. I'd also want the name of the twins Father. To do that much with him, she has to know his full name. Then I'd start looking into if that person existed. And how did she go from drug addicted crack whore to back in school functioning in society person?

What about her family? Can any of them verify these times in her/their lives? Certainly they would know if she had gone through rough stages.

Ok, so now two pregnancies? What about the obgyn who delivered your kids? If she had given birth before they would be able to tell. She also would have been given drug tests. Did she have those and did anything come back positive?

Lastly, your wife and your BF have been screwing your entire marriage. Don't listen to the BS of it was from time to time. They had no reason to stop. Until now.

Don't take my questions to mean I don't believe you. I don't believe anything your wife has said. I would be investigating all of this. GET A WRITTEN TIMELINE NOW.

[This message edited by cliffside at 11:43 AM, March 23rd (Sunday)]


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 265 | Registered: Mar 2013
stu23
♂ Member
Member # 42605
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cliffside, everything you question I brought up at my IC in various degrees. I even said here that her stories are like Swiss cheese, theyíre loaded with so many holes. My IC person said we can try to dissect it, but basically he said, we need to make sure I'm OK so my children will be OK. Then we can try and find the truth, if possible. He said if we don't, I shouldn't dwell on what may be impossible and out of my control. I hope I haven't over simplified it. But as I have been learning, the alleged truths from her and time lines are a little obscure and difficult to follow. I originally posted about her cheating when I proposed to her, but that issue has morphed into greater concerns affecting more lives than just mine.
On Friday, 3/21, 6:10 PM I had said, ďÖ he and my wife did know each other sexually in high school and even dated after she graduated. Thatís the reason he went to that college. Their romantic friendship began when she was a senior and he was a sophomore (in high school); they both were on the schools swim team and connected one weekend when the swim team was away at a competition.Ē I had always thought they didnít know each other until they met in college. But as I have said, her story keeps changing. Tomorrow she might say something else. The story behind the conception of my children is still a crap shoot; she has given me multiple stories!
My wife told me she was older than me and her age is 39. Whether thatís true I donít know. I have never seen her birth certificate, she said it was lost. She said when she registered as a transfer student to our high school she had to have that Texas village she was born in supply that info. Since she was born at home by a midwife, her birth wasnít recorded immediately; it was recorded in her familyís bible. Since her family traveled back and forth across the border, no one rushed to record her birth. Her passport corroborates an age though, so there must be legal papers somewhere. I do know she was a senior when my BF and I were sophomores in high school.
She has changed her stories many times. Our last discussion about PR was that she was high almost 24/7 and doesnít remember much. I havenít pushed, I will be discussing everything at IC and Iíll tackle it with the help of my psychologist. She did say she was scheduling a meeting for me with her doctor (one who she has been with for last five years, I think) so he could talk with me. Regarding her OBGYN, nothing was ever sad about previous pregnancies, she recently told me she told that doctor not to discuss previous pregnancies with me, and he didnít.

Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2014
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So have you spoken to your BF since all of these new revelations came to light?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7942 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
stu23
♂ Member
Member # 42605
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gonnabe, I mentioned in an earlier post that my so called BF called me to talk after my wife told his wife about their affair. I answered, but then hung up. He has sent me text messages, but Iíve ignored them. Whatís he going to tell me, that he and my wife have been screwing each other on and off since high school? I just learned that from her. Do you think thereís anything to gain by talking with this F..k?

Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2014
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think thereís anything to gain by talking with this F..k?

Nope. Nothing at all to gain. I was just wondering if he was still around and trying to manipulate the situation or if he had crawled under a rock. I think you have enough on your plate without having to deal with him also.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7942 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
stu23
♂ Member
Member # 42605
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night I didnít spend the night at my house, I found an efficiency unit a few blocks away and slept there. I posted last comment before I left for work.
I just got a call from my daughterís school this morning that she wasnít feeling well and I picked her up and brought her home. I asked where her mother was since the school calls her first. She said uncle xxx (BF) called her last night. She said, Mommy said he wasnít feeling well and he needed her help. The baby sitter (wifeís friend spent night with kids) got kids off to school. So I guess she spent the night with BF. Iím not going to jump to conclusions just yet. My wife has said she has not been involved with anyone in the last 5 years. Iím skeptical; Iíll wait for truth or lies.

Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2014
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found an efficiency unit a few blocks away and slept there.

Stu - I am sorry you are still dealing with all of this. I don't think it is a good idea that you leave your house. I think you are still deciding if you want R or not but if it doesn't go that way you not being at the house is not going to look good in a D situation.

Keep your options open and focus on your priorities, you and your kids. If mommy is still trying to unravel years of lies than they really need their dad.

As for testing your kids. That is a very difficult decision. I have choosen to not test my kids, I will always be dad to them and I don't need to risk having some test possibly saying otherwise. Yes, I understand the potential medical reasons may be an arguement to know for sure - if there is ever a medical reason my kids deal in the future that knowing who their biological dad is important - their real Dad, me, will make sure that any testing is done so they get the best medical care.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 472 | Registered: Nov 2012
spanz
♂ New Member
Member # 42715
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stu, I initially advised cutting her some slack. But over the last 10 pages of unbelievable stuff, you really have to get out of that marriage. I can see no way to reconcile with this snake. Run, forest, RUN! Divorce her asap

Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: usa
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night I didnít spend the night at my house... uncle xxx (BF) called her last night...
So I guess she spent the night with BF.

You're gone a matter of hours and this is her choice?

(((stu23)))

'The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.' ~Maya Angelou


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I guess she spent the night with BF. Iím not going to jump to conclusions just yet.

I don't think that would be a very far jump.

First of all, she should not be communicating with this person as he is the AP. Second, if they were going to "talk", they could have done it over the phone. Third, even if they felt it necessary to see each other, she would not have had to leave the kids overnight unless they had other "plans" as well.

I think this supports the idea that she has been involved in this all along.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1076 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
stu23
♂ Member
Member # 42605
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday morning, when I found out my wife wasnít home last night, but was with my former BF, I said I wasnít going to jump to conclusions, but I did. My wife called me later in the morning to tell me that the hospital called her, my former BF was in a car accident and she was the only name on their to call list. He is in the hospital. I asked her why she went after all we are going through. She said, ďHe needed her, there wasnít anyone else.Ē This pissed me off, heís still involved in her (our) life; am I over reacting? Does this mean she still has strong emotional ties to him? I DONíT CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO HIM! How do I handle this?

Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2014
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She crossed the line....again.

NC means NC.

Your wife had no business going to that hospital. None. I don't care that he had no one. He must have other friends/family members who can check up on him. She had to go and be the KISA?

Had you been in the house when this happened, would she have gone to him with your knowledge?

I am so angry and sad for you. She is absolutely clueless and continues to have no regard for your marriage.

BTW, I'd check with your attorney before moving out. Even after all this sh*t, it could be considered abandonment in some states.


Posts: 7472 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
cliffside
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she was the only name on their to call list.

Wait, he's MARRIED but YOUR WIFE was the only person on his call list? Huh?? That makes no sense.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 265 | Registered: Mar 2013
Losconang15
♀ Member
Member # 42544
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been following along for a while now but I had to comment on how pissed off I am for you. She broke NC and that is bogus. He's married! Even if he's not currently with his BW, she should've been his contact person. On top of that ok fine, he's a good friend and let's give her the benefit, though she doesn't deserve it, but let's say ok fine you had to go because there were no other contacts, why did she have to stay the night? Why not call his spouse who I'm thinking still have feelings for him because that's not something we can turn off a switch for, and tell her to stay with him as she so rightfully deserves to do? Where is his wife and does she even know his there? I'm pissed for you and for his BW. She has a lot of nerve putting what should be her priority (kids and your marriage) first instead of him.


Together - 14 years
Married - 7 years
DDay- Jan 15, 2014. WH had EA/PA

Hopeful reconciliation.


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