I know everyone.
I understand all of the "it's not fair" and "he shouldn't have to be responsible for kids who aren't his" and "he has a right to know". I do. I understand. But in most states, if children are born while the two parents are married and living together, the husband is automatically legally their father. So finding out they are not his won't make a difference. He is legally responsible.
His oldest is...what? 10? A 10 year old little boy. Stu is dad. I can only imagine what would happen to a little boy that age who suddenly loses his dad because mom was *all kinds of fucked up.*
What happens to those children if they lose their dad? They're left with their mom. This mom. Im thinking these kids could wind up just like mom..they might follow in her footsteps. For 10 years stu has thought these were his children. He loves them. He is a great father.
Stu..you care about these kids. You are their dad, regardless of DNA. I strongly urge you to do what is best for you AND your children..just as any parent here would do.
As I said, I know this won't be the popular opinion. We all know how important living *the truth* is. One one hand, I see every valid reason to get a DNA test done NOW. OTOH, Im looking at this as a child who had a dad..and he left me. I know how much that fucked me up. I also have a 10 year old little boy. The thought of his suddenly having his dad walk away is excruciating.(Though I do know it happens..way too often) It would forever change who he is.
You don't have to do *anything* right now, stu. Other than STD testing, unless you've already had that done..both of you. You have been fed one of the shittiest shit sandwiches that I've seen her on SI. You can take some time to process things before you make your next move.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
You're doing fine, stu. With everything you have learned in the last month, it's amazing that you manage to get out of bed every day.
Try to do something nice for yourself today.
Then calmly tell your wife that you have no idea whether the children are yours or not, whether you are the father or not, and this doubt will remain for the rest of your life. Every time you look at your children you will wonder and be reminded of her frequent adultery.
Your WW will then have to go through the rest of her life with this sadness; that you have these doubts. If she is certain that the children are yours she will then pressure you into carrying out the DNA test just to clear this issue up and cement family bonds. After all she will partially enhance her reputation at the same time - at least she ensured that you were the father of your kids. This would definitely help reconciliation.
If however she seems relieved when you tell her about your decision not to test and doesn't suggest testing herself, then it would seem to indicate that she shares the same parentage doubts.
I know that if I was your wife I would demand testing to clear my name and remove any barriers between you and your children - If I was convinced you were the father.
Wonder what her response will be? If she is innocent of the charge of conceiving a child by another man, won't she want to clear her name with DNA testing?
I will take exception with something you stated.
Their smile, laugh wouldn't be a reflection of me, but him. My grandchildren wouldn't be mine, but his. All that would be his, whoever that might be for posterity, not mine.Ē
IMO, that's not true. Everything that they are today is a direct reflection of you. You raised them, you comforted them when they hurt. You shared in their joys. The life they live today is directly attributable to you. In short, you're their Dad.
Again, my concern for the paternity is strictly from a medical/legal standpoint. What and why you decide is up to you.
If it's not too presumptive of me, may I suggest you start another thread in General. Something along the lines of "Paternity testing, pro's and cons". I think you might be startled at how many here are dealing with something similar.
You can always revisit this issue whenever you like.
Their smile, laugh wouldn't be a reflection of me, but him. My grandchildren wouldn't be mine, but his. All that would be his, whoever that might be for posterity, not mine.
In genetics only.
Don't you believe in Nature vs. Nurture? You are the influence of these children. Please don't cede your children to these other people...they can NEVER have the positive influence on your children that you have. Hell, you appear to be the ONLY ONE who has continually had their best interests in mind. You are a great dad, and the best thing that could ever happen to those kids, would be your continued role in their lives.
I am so fucking pissed at your wife and her lover(s). Cheating wasn't enough? She had to betray every part of what is sacred to you?
In spite of this, keep her talking. You are so deep in this hole, that you must be nearing the bottom. Then, when you feel that you have all(or enough) of the information, you can make more informed decisions.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
In regards to Puerto Rico. Can she give you the names of even one person she went there with? That whole story sounds ridiculous.
I'd want names and without letting on I'd track one of them down and find out their side of the story. I'd also want the name of the twins Father. To do that much with him, she has to know his full name. Then I'd start looking into if that person existed. And how did she go from drug addicted crack whore to back in school functioning in society person?
What about her family? Can any of them verify these times in her/their lives? Certainly they would know if she had gone through rough stages.
Ok, so now two pregnancies? What about the obgyn who delivered your kids? If she had given birth before they would be able to tell. She also would have been given drug tests. Did she have those and did anything come back positive?
Lastly, your wife and your BF have been screwing your entire marriage. Don't listen to the BS of it was from time to time. They had no reason to stop. Until now.
Don't take my questions to mean I don't believe you. I don't believe anything your wife has said. I would be investigating all of this. GET A WRITTEN TIMELINE NOW.
[This message edited by cliffside at 11:43 AM, March 23rd (Sunday)]
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Do you think thereís anything to gain by talking with this F..k?
I found an efficiency unit a few blocks away and slept there.
Stu - I am sorry you are still dealing with all of this. I don't think it is a good idea that you leave your house. I think you are still deciding if you want R or not but if it doesn't go that way you not being at the house is not going to look good in a D situation.
Keep your options open and focus on your priorities, you and your kids. If mommy is still trying to unravel years of lies than they really need their dad.
As for testing your kids. That is a very difficult decision. I have choosen to not test my kids, I will always be dad to them and I don't need to risk having some test possibly saying otherwise. Yes, I understand the potential medical reasons may be an arguement to know for sure - if there is ever a medical reason my kids deal in the future that knowing who their biological dad is important - their real Dad, me, will make sure that any testing is done so they get the best medical care.
Last night I didnít spend the night at my house... uncle xxx (BF) called her last night...
So I guess she spent the night with BF.
'The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.' ~Maya Angelou
So I guess she spent the night with BF. Iím not going to jump to conclusions just yet.
I don't think that would be a very far jump.
First of all, she should not be communicating with this person as he is the AP. Second, if they were going to "talk", they could have done it over the phone. Third, even if they felt it necessary to see each other, she would not have had to leave the kids overnight unless they had other "plans" as well.
I think this supports the idea that she has been involved in this all along.
NC means NC.
Your wife had no business going to that hospital. None. I don't care that he had no one. He must have other friends/family members who can check up on him. She had to go and be the KISA?
Had you been in the house when this happened, would she have gone to him with your knowledge?
I am so angry and sad for you. She is absolutely clueless and continues to have no regard for your marriage.
BTW, I'd check with your attorney before moving out. Even after all this sh*t, it could be considered abandonment in some states.
she was the only name on their to call list.
Wait, he's MARRIED but YOUR WIFE was the only person on his call list? Huh?? That makes no sense.