[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:38 PM, March 20th (Thursday)]
The eight most feared words used together in the English language: We need to talk. Th
I keep thinking, just because someone is sick, you don't throw them under the bus.
That whole train of thought of not walking away from someone who is *sick* caused me to remain in my M for far too long because I was looking at that concept in the wrong way. Once I finally realized that my (now)stbx wasn't bothering to help *himself*, then I knew that I had to get the heck away from him for my own emotional well-being.
And stu, just a quick word about SI. Always remember that you take what you want and *leave* the rest. There are many people here, from many walks of life and many different circumstances. All of us have good days and bad....sometimes our responses are *spot-on* (quite often, actually ), but there are times when someone is having a shit day or in a shit mood or just <whatever>. Just shrug it off and carry on.
This really is the best place to talk to people who have been in situations similar to your own. This really is the type of stuff that no one can understand unless they've actually *been* there.
Have you spoken to your BF since the new revelations?
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
You know, SI is a sacred place to a lot of us. It gets us through some of the darkest points in our lives. Being able to come to this forum openly and honestly is extremely important. People are taking time out of their lives to try to act as a support to one another, be genuine, offer guidance.
From Phantom Limb. Believe it or not, sometimes someone who, for whatever reason, decides to take advantage of that pain and suffering. They will make up a story just to get reactions. There was a poster here who actually decided it would be *neat* to post as both the wayward and betrayed. It( I refuse to dignify the troll with a human identifier) actually put together a convincing enough story that members here actually began to fracture and pit one against another. Many hurt feelings were created and thus, many here are wary of stories that just seem
it was crazy fiction; who could live that lie?
Some of the posters are reacting to exactly that. That's also why you saw the reaction of the moderator.
Frankly, my life has not always been a bowl of cherries. At 16, I was going to school with twin girls. Their father owned a *Gentlemens Club*. He didn't care if I and about 6 of my buddies went in and played pool and drank. Really fine specimen of humanity in retrospect. Other things were available(all the drugs you mentioned and then some) But for the Grace of God, I didn't partake in those, but some of my friends did. I digress. The women who worked there. Well, they would reach a point where their *skills* burned out. They either completely went down the tubes, or tried to go straight. You know, find a guy, get married have kids and leave *the life* behind them. The problem with doing that? Well, the guys who were somewhat experienced in *worldly* ways, quickly smelled a rat. They would quickly bail. They would see through all the behaviors pointed out to you that you missed. The only solution? Target the innocent. Guys who haven't been around the block. I believe you said you were a virgin when you met? Prime material for her. She could *start again*. The issue with that is, dealing with everything she had done/been through requires intense therapy. Without it, old habits begin to recur. Abuse victims often will attempt to recreate the *bad situation* and hope for a better outcome.
Anyway, point is that there are people here who have gone out of their way to help. Others have a hard time believing for the reason quoted above. Personally, I will believe someone needs help and will respond to the best of my ability as will many others here. Again, we've got your back.
There's an axiom thrown around here all the time. *Take what you need, leave the rest*.
Whatever your choice is Stu, I wish you nothing but goodwill.
Sending strength to you to help you through these difficult times.
[This message edited by 5454real at 9:01 AM, March 21st (Friday)]
You are putting your oxygen mask on first.
Like they suggest on the plane- you can't help your kid if you are passed out from lack of oxygen because you didn't put on the mask first.
Another IC told my wife that just because she met my supposed to be friend for months, had sex, it wasn't necessarily an affair?? We are on her third now, you will find the one that is very helpful.
For your sake, I wish your story wasn't true, it is unbelievable to think of the extent you have been betrayed. If it is not, I still have benefited from some of the reflections upon my own situation.
Is Crazy wrong in calling this out, are you so gullible that you have been duped for 10 years? In my case for 32 years since the affair and I still do not know how long it lasted. For Crazy, he was duped for 2 1/2 years. The length of time is not important, the actions of our spouses and support we gain is. Yours situation is extreme, you seem really calm and perhaps it is this calm that adds to the skepticism.
Where I have a question, is although your wife probably has more truths to bring forward, she now seems to be telling some pretty scary stuff about herself and her marriage to you. Also in a rather calm fashion? I wonder of her motive at this point?
I believe your wife remains very connected to Adonis, and suspect her connection with him has grown over the years. She knew she was trying to get pregnant with him as she took precautions with you. There is really something very wrong about this side of the story.
I also believe that if your wife travelled and stayed over night, she probably has more to disclose.
Time to out Adonis, and your friend. As to the guys who came around for your wife (kids events), too much risk that the outing would come back to your kids.
I wish you added strength, I hope you protect yourself and your kids, if this is true it is going to get much worse.
There will be pros and cons to each side of the argument. But what you really have to ask yourself is: "Which method feels right?" Or: "Do both methods feel right?"
There have been great supporters who give excellent insight here on SI. Occasionally, there are comments that make someone feel uncomfortable, or may feel out of line. And to counter that, there are often stories of ICs who give terrible advice, and have no idea of how to deal with infidelity. Hence the "take what you want, and leave the rest" theory that is preached here.
I am all for professional counseling. I am also all for this site. They can be used as sounding boards for differing advice. But ultimately, you need to feel comfortable. You need to believe that you are taking the correct steps---not just being told something that makes you feel good(or bad). That often makes things difficult, because we want to *hear* some things so badly, that we make poor judgements due to those needs. This is where you need to be careful.
Listen to both IC and SI. If you become disconnected with one or the other, then you should look at other potential options. I know that this place is great...it took me through my darkest times, and made me deal with that elephant in the room that I was trying so hard to ignore. I know by your past posts that you have received, and acted on, sound advice. I have also read advice on this thread that does not help your current situation. But in my opinion, it is easy to decipher help...and easy to decipher frustration/antagonism.
No matter what, I am sure that your IC will agree to some certain things preached here:
--You have to work on yourself. After all, that is what this is all about.
--You can't fix your wife. You can absolutely try to guide her to make the correct steps, but ultimately, it is up to her to do the hard work to change herself.
--The best chance for reconciliation is to try to keep the lines of communication open. Let her continue to talk. Let her know that while you want to attempt to save the marriage, there are no guarantees. But the best chance to do so, is to communicate.
--There is no chance to save this marriage without honesty. ZERO. The days of blissful ignorance are over. There are dozens of issues that need to be addressed, but if the trickling of truth continues, the marriage is virtually destined to fail.
If your IC is not in agreement with these issue, then we have a problem. These are common sense issues---and are the most important. If ANYONE tells you differently...and I don't care who it is...then they do not have your best interests in mind. But I am sure that you already know this.
Keep plugging away, Stu.
Honestly, what other options do you really have at this point? You can't run away from yourself.
Good luck, friend.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
If your wife was really the town siren, I should imagine it would be very difficult to remain married to her. Her sexual excesses seem beyond forgiveness and so disrespectful to you.
Sorry for all of your pain. So,she finds out BF is going to be free, and suddenly she want to make sure you both survive whether together or individually. Sounds to me like she is hoping to trade you in for BF.
Keep you powder dry, I fear your journey has just begun.
Strength to you.
Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger
She's given you permission to speak to her doctor. Which doctor....her medical doctor or her psych doctor?
Have you had any contact with your BF since these new revelations came to light?
I need more time to process all the events Iíve just learned; Iíll do it when I think the time is right.
I spoke to lawyer, I didnít tell her I was seeing one.
Another good one.
Right now Iím holding off on DNA testing of our children.
Damn, three for three. It could become an issue though. Medical issues come to mind. Parental histories play a huge role in healthcare decisions. Second, in case of D, where does that leave you in terms of custody/visitation.
She said she would be there if I wanted, but she told the doctor he could discuss anything he wanted and signed a paper giving him permission.
Grand slam. However, not a primary concern. You know that I'm going to say work on you first, right?
(whatís the truth, it keeps changing)
That's why I suggested a written timeline. ONE chance.
I was reading on the internet that wives who cheat and screw around in the state of NJ can petition the courts for alimony.
Oh crap. Yep, they can. Forget what I said about determining custody. Do it now. Obviously, consult your atty yesterday. Hopefully, you won't be stuck(yes, I know they are *your* kids, but IMO, if she claims otherwise, rock, meet hard place.) if you are not the bio father. Determine paternity now. 2 entirely different ways the courts will approach this.
[This message edited by 5454real at 2:39 AM, March 22nd (Saturday)]
I was reading on the internet that wives who cheat and screw around in the state of NJ can petition the courts for alimony. They destroy the marriage and get compensated for it, itís not fair.
Yup. From a fellow New Jersian, I can tell you that this state is No-Fault, so infidelity means very little. If you are willing to get down and dirty, you can contest her ability to parent her children, but otherwise, the courts look at what the status quo was for a duration leading up to filing. If you are the primary funder of this marriage, expect to continue to do so in divorce.
Yes, it sucks. But don't get too far ahead of yourself.
Like 5454 constantly states, work on you. Keep communicating. Keep gathering information, and verifying the contents. Hopefully, the picture will start to get clearer and clearer.
As for the paternity testing---if you aren't emotionally ready at the moment, so be it. But this issue will NOT go away...so please, work on gaining the strength to resolve this. If there is any positive, imagine how much of a relief it would be to you if they are biologically yours.
"I love my children. I'm not sure what my reaction might be if one or both aren't mine."
You raised them. Provided for them. Changed their diapers. Helped teach them language and love and everything they know of this world.
They are, as you note, innocents-- no matter what. And your value to them, your singular importance to their very sense of meaning, is paramount. Nothing can change that- nothing!
If one or both has another biological father, he is even more of a dirtbag than before-- and they are only too fortunate to have been raised by a better man. Consider them adopted, but no less worthy of your love.
Turn your anger towards its deserved targets- if you are not the biological father of one or both. You know who they are-- and what they are-- and they, not your children, are the guilty parties in this nightmarish affair.
ďNo, Lord,Ē she said.
And Jesus said, ďNeither do I. Go and sin no more.Ē
You really can't move ahead until you know; it will eat at you during any attempted reconciliation. If the children are yours I can see you mending this marriage. If not it would be most difficult.
The wholesale adultery and lack of respect for you is profound. If the kids have been fathered by Adonis, or the BF, or one of her other casual lovers, is should be the last straw for your relationship.
You can order a test kit online, gently scrape a sample of epithelial cells from inside of the mouth, then send them off. Or take just a saliva sample depending on the vendor..