If your wife respects and considers your feelings, I sense that your hurt and anger will run its course and you will be able to put this behind you sooner as something that happened before marriage..
Having and communicating respect for your (each other's) feelings may be the underlying issue..
It seems that she has had no problem cheating on you in the past and I wouldn't put it past her to have done it again. I haven't read this whole thread yet but you are in shock just as if it just happened. Stay strong man. You two are going to need some counseling. I'm not trying to plant seeds in your mind but I'd do some investigating to make sure there isn't more.
On top of that when you saw her later she made sure you had sloppy semen seconds from the Adonis. Does she have any respect for you?
The conclusion is that she was possibly not in love with you when she married you; in essence you were a meal ticket or a guarantee she would not be 'left on the shelf,' or an opportunity to start a family very soon. Wouldn't waste any time buying this lady flowers or preparing candlelit dinners. The word romance is not in her vocabulary.
She said a number of his guy friends would ask her out on a date and she was excited that guys were calling for dates. At the end of the date they expected to have sex with her. She said that when she told them no, a few got physical and had sex with her. She said it was easier to give in than fight with them. They told her their friend said she was an ďeasy lay.Ē She said that since she was no longer a virgin she had nothing to save. When she dated a guy and he wanted sex she wanted to please him and had sex. She said she wanted his approval and love. She then admitted she had a very low opinion of herself and sex seemed to be a way to feel better and elevate her self-esteem; but of course she realized it didnít. She also said that sex with the right person was fun and pleasurable. She said if guys could enjoy it why not her.
Just because she has remained faithful(you believe) for 10 years, does not mean that she has rid herself of her problems. At this point, they may even be harder to deal with---but that doesn't mean they can be ignored.
You have just learned that your whole marriage started off with cheating and lies. That terrible foundation that I stated earlier. But this can't be undone, so where do you go from here? It starts with BOTH of you having the proper mindset to want to fix this mess. Resistance to communication and counseling will be indicators of where your marriage will inevitably end up. She has to want to resolve her past issues, and you will have to want her to do so. You should also seek counseling as to why you needed to propose to her, when you KNEW that she was going to sleep with a guy. You may learn to discover things about yourself that you didn't realize.
It is all part of the two of you strengthening your marriage.
Regretfully, there will be immense pain ahead....for both of you....if the two of you truly commit to reconciliation. If your wife won't explore her core problems, then at least you will have a definite answer of where you are prioritized in her life....and can make decisions based off of that. It may suck, but it will be progress.
Are you willing to go this route?
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
You guys can do this.
Your maybe right, she didnít want to be left on the shelf, nobody else asked her; just this ďÖhole.Ē Her Adonis called it right when he described me!
Now lets get this straight. Just because two immature, emotionally repressed, sexually charged buffoons managed to get together one weekend 10 years ago, doesn't make YOU an a-hole.
I am sure that if you wife looked at her diary now 10 years later and with a brain filled with more than her ego, she would probably die with her leg in the air at how crass and immature the whole thing was. If not, you have bigger problems than her previous sexual promiscuity.
I can fully understand how you must feel. It was totally disrespectful not only to you but also to herself even with the excuse that she thought your relationship was going nowhere.
If you truly feel she has been faithful to you all these years then you are going to have to find a way to put this in the vault and throw away the key. That is going to take a little while my friend but that's OK. She married you because after the blood returned to her head from her giddy, sexual somersaults, she realised what a moron she was and how great a catch you were.
When things have settled down perhaps you could consider re-writing history and reenacting your proposal in a way that will replace the present revolting imagery. If it's any consolation, I'm sure she would prefer to have a more romantic memory of the event that she currently has.
You have 10 years of history and beautiful children. What has the idiot, brain-dead "Adonis" got? A big dick? Well, big deal. Next time you have the pleasure of bumping into him tell him that you've just heard that silicon implants for the brain have now been invented and you feel he would look so much better with a couple. Just make sure you've got your running shoes on at the time.
You are right to feel violated and disgusted but your wife's past doesn't have to be your future. Keep posting here, get your feelings out. Hopefully you can also find a good counselor either for yourself or with your wife so you can move forward from this.
Thinking of you.
If you continue with the anger and distress she will begin to draw away from you and your relationship will be damaged. That means as well as coping with the memories of her betrayal, you will be faced with having to repair a broken marriage. It will negatively impact your children as well.
Talk to your wife and calmly explain how you see the Adonis incident; how utterly unromantic it was; such a degrading squalid, memory that stains your marriage and forces you to question her love for you and the reasons she married you in the first place. Its important to talk to her in emotional terms not the physical aspects of the Adonis sex. She will be sensitive to your emotional pain but not the chest beating 'my woman gave herself to another man' perspective. Discuss her treacherous betrayal in her language; how she would be impacted if you had done this to her.
In the end the pain needs to managed by you. If the marriage is to continue harmoniously then you need to state your disgust at her sluttish behavior then let it go, keep it to yourself and move on. You are not free to push this into her face at frequent intervals or the marriage and especially the sexlife, will be considerably damaged.
State your point of view and how you have been forced to see the marriage, tainted by her disgusting, disloyal behavior, in a different light, then move on. Let her digest her shame but drop the issue, or things will get very much worse I promise.
Really like the post from Ellejay and I fully agree. You are not an asshole!
[This message edited by OK now at 7:18 AM, March 6th (Thursday)]
I feel for you I really do. I guess in time and with her doing a hell of a lot of reassuring and showing remorse for her incredible lack of judgment, you may get to a place where you can put it in a drawer but you are a long way off from that.
My idiot ex H had planned to film himself with at least one of his OW. I am so glad I didn't have the trauma of finding any of that as I would have been physically sick.
If your wife thought that having the kind of sex she had with her Adonis was keeping her "options" open then she had a very warped sense of her self worth at the time. Not a good move to show just how experienced you are on the first date. I don't know the age of your wife but it is all incredibly immature stuff and a huge price to pay.
You are supported here stu23. Hugs to you.
I think after she saw the proposal was real she began to try and cover this up. I mean if you knew the truth would you have gone through with the engagement. She never really gave you an option by giving you all of the information you needed to decide if you wanted to still M her or not. She lied and duped you into Ming her. I understand that must feel extremely upsetting to you. At the end of the day that is the issue you have with her. She did not tell you the truth. She lied. She has proven to you she is not who you thought she was when you married her. She accepted your proposal under false pretenses.
You mentioned enough about your W for me to know that there are deep traumas in her past too. Often times a person acting from a deep sense of personal pain cannot act like a somewhat more healthy person could do. In a bubblegum psychology take on it would be that her traumas have caused her to resent men in general. Any man close to her in her life will play the role of a man who has hurt her deeply in the past. Sadly Stu that was/is you. She was doing anything to you in particular, she was trying to get even with all of those guys over the years that victimized her. She wanted to feel less like a victim and more like a perpetrator. In her messed up mindset those are the only two roles available. Sleeping with you on a first date isn't a good sign either. Most women or even girls wouldn't act that way.
She was and still is to some extent "broken." There isn't a better way to say it. She is going to have to work far enough along before you could work at repairing this M.
It seems that right now you are leaning towards working it out and that is very admirable of you. You have to decide if there is enough to save and weigh that against the cost of what you will have to endure to get there.
Nothing and I mean no amount of a traumatized past gives her a pass on her behavior. It can explain it enough that you could see how it was possible, but it never excuses her responsibility in this, ever.
At some point your M could be good again and you won't think about this as often. You will never forget so that leads to this next point.
Your telling me to lock it away sounds easy, I CANíT. Iím too close to the information at this time.
Since you are never going to forget something so traumatizing, for the rest of your lives, if the memory is hurting you, you have to lean on your W to help you through it. You know as you would in a healthy M about other topics. You don't use it to bash her, but you communicate you are feeling down thinking about it and she helps you. After all, she caused it, she could do that much. She can be redeemed through that too. That isn't today, that is a long time from now. Today you have to get some counseling and your wife, on some levels, needs counseling most urgently. IC for both before MC. MC isn't going to work for either of you until the traumas of the past can be examined and mitigated. MC is about the M going forward, IC is about working through the past so it doesn't follow you into the future.
Right not you are looking at events of the past with a "normal" mindset. It will never make sense logically because it isn't logical. Your W has never had that normal mindset. People with that mindset do not do the things she has done and carry on their lives. The guilt would eat them alive from the inside out.
FWIW- I thought our relationship was over is not a valid explanation. I am sure, right now, it looks like your M could be over. Does that mean you hop into the sack with the first willing woman? No it doesn't. Your W has had 10 years to justify this in her head and find a way to explain it away. She at first, is going to feed you that crap she has fed herself. Reject them all because I can tell you they are most likely crap.
Both you should talk to counselor individually ASAP. Only once this trauma calms down can you incorporate this history into your M. That alone is a lot of work, but if you love her it could be worth it.
As far as she did things with him that she would no do with you. That is something that plagues a lot of guys. I have never heard of or been told a rational or even an emotional explanation that even partially addresses it. Trust me I have looked. Everywhere.
One small comfort right now is that your W didn't have children with him or choose to stay faithful to him for ten years either. As much as we men think, looks don't always matter as much as character does to a woman. Think about this when you got engaged she had such a low opinion of men in general that she used and abused them. Over the past 10 years you have proven to her that there are some men out there who aren't bad at all. In fact they are everything a man is supposed to be. In essence your behaviors made her change her beliefs and showed her what a real man was all about. In this one area you've made so much progress, won a very large battle. It is not easy for someone with these kinds of problems to stay with someone for this long unless they are really special and more than worth it. Remember that next time you get angry. Also remember, don't let this experience change the good guy you are. Don't become too angry, abusive (vis-a-vis) the rough stuff in bed you mentioned).
The way I see it man, you got character in spades and a lot of women find that very attractive. The other guy doesn't have that and if you could find him today I'd bet you find a lonely washed A$$hole with no kids to carry on his legacy and a reputation he has earned through his actions. He is scum, don't compare yourself to scum. It is easy to see who the better man is.
You've earned the opposite reputation, no matter where your M ends up, don't through that away over something that was outside of your control.
Sorry for the length. I can tell you are hurting and hopefully some things I have said help you a bit.
PM me if you want to. When I was in your similar shoes I had some BH offer PM support. Happy to pay that forward.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.
numb and dumb
Thank you for the time and thought in your comments. As I read your words I did get emotional and will use what you said to try and quell my anger.
If you continue with the rage and anger it could undermine all you have done. You obviously have been a very good husband and father and you have a perfect right to condemn your wife's actions and deplorable behavior all those years ago. You have right to tell her the marriage has been corrupted by her extreme disloyalty and pandering to her Adonis boyfriend. I agree its astonishing that she would accept your marriage proposal after the degree of her sexual perversions and treachery, but thats written in history and will be a part of her eternal shame.
I think your staying away from your wife as much as possible is a good idea. If you are not physically with her there can be no conflict and hostility. At the same time take a break from sexual relations for a few months until the pain eases. And it will.
Man, I really can understand why you're struggling with this, and I know it's hard to believe, given your present distress, but you can channel these feelings towards positive outcomes. Many here have been through this or worse, so please keep sharing your struggles here-- you will get better advice here for FREE than in a year of marriage counseling!
Forgive me for my upcoming verbosity-- but I want just to join the chorus and offer more encouragement and perspective.
First off, I admire that you chose to remain a virgin until you married. Very few men or women do that in this day and age, and the fact that you did is truly commendable, and an incredible gift to your wife. I really, really mean that-- I wish to this day I'd done the same.
I know this discovery was humiliating, in light of the past comments by your wife about Mr. Adonis and his body, and the past disgusting comments BY Mr. Adonis about you. But listen, you've done nothing to be ashamed of and you've got MUCH to be proud of. The snide, sleaze-bag comments of some bygone serial bootyhound in a long ago time have no relevance or power to change that. (For all you know, he's an STD infected, beer-bellied, ten-times-divorced wretch by now. You can bet he's going to be a crappy, unfaithful husband who makes his wife/wives utterly sick at the sight of him...)
You, however, are the textbook example of a faithful husband. And, lest your Male Pride deceive you, this isn't weakness, it's strength. REALLY!
You're RIGHT to be bothered. Particularly that she kept that damn diary around! She needs to OWN that and needs to understand why it made her past transgression even harder to forgive. She needs to understand why it makes your wound so much deeper-- and be accountable for healing you and restoring your trust and respect. She need to appreciate that your real trauma is that her past and present actions have destroyed the preciousness of Your Marriage Narrative. What once might've been so romantic, so special to you has been stained and made sordid by the truth.
You will want VERY BADLY to punish her for her sins, but it is far, far better that you forgive them and she atone for them. Yes, you're hurt-- and yes, it's her fault! Let her know the depth of your wounds and give her a chance to make restitution. It will not change your past-- but it can change your future-- and that is where you're going next.
Try, if you can, to channel your anger and pain into productive outlets that will better yourself; hit the gym and become an Adonis yourself, developing your natural talents with renewed passion, whatever. Don't use your rage and pain to browbeat her about her past actions, or to coerce her to gratify you sexually so as to shame her and reinforce your own wounded pride.
Hurting her because she hurt you is "justice", but it's the Low Road and it leads to a lot more suffering. You're on the High Road, and it sounds like you've walked it your whole marriage and before. Give your wife a chance to walk it with you. Not because she's earned that privilege, but because you're the Better Man. And that's what Better Men do.
ďNo, Lord,Ē she said.
And Jesus said, ďNeither do I. Go and sin no more.Ē
The only true part of that statement is that it can't be changed. It can be apologized for, restitution s made and forgiven, but it can't be changed.
No it it did not happen in another life. In happened in this life. She doesn't get that this is not the past to you. You found out about this recently. This is causing you to question the life that you now have and if you really want that life. No she has had the life for the past ten years. You have been manipulated for the past ten years and winder what else she has lied to you about. Trust has disappeared. That you and me forever feeling is in jeopardy.
DO NOT sweep this under the rug. You have a very valid concern. Your W needs to understand that M end over lies like this. I don't think she gets the severity of her lies.
What's done is done, but she has been lying about it for ten years. Very much relevant in any life she chooses to compartmentalize it into.