She cried and said if we need to go to MC she would. She said she was afraid if I found out about her Iíd leave thatís why she was hesitant to go.
I know you've had an agonizing road so far-- but it's encouraging that your wife seems to be opening up. I hope you guys can keep talking through things honestly, and that this whole difficult period can eventually bring you closer together.
ďNo, Lord,Ē she said.
And Jesus said, ďNeither do I. Go and sin no more.Ē
She said she told him to stop taking pictures and writing in her diary, but he joked about it and just continued doing what he wanted. She said she tried to stop him, but he was bigger than her and he kept doing it and teasing. She said that at one point he threated to tie her to the bed and call his buddies, he didnít.
During all of this she said all she did was think of me and what she was doing to screw everything up.
Then came the phone call, she said she didnít want to answer it or talk to anybody, but he gave her the phone and seemed to enjoy his power trip.
After he left she wrote in her diary as a catharsis, to vent.
To be honest, I think that she's been blowing smoke up your ass.
Also, be very mindful of the person who tells you of childhood issues/traumas. Don't let these disclosures make you forget about the forest because of the trees. Take everything that your WW discloses to you in with a "thank you for sharing" attitude, but try not to get sucked into it. This *might* be a tactic of deflection on her part.
Also. You are so laser-focused on the *past*.....but at some point you are going to have to point-blank ask her about her behavior during the marriage. I'm curious as to whether that has been brought up at all, by either you or her?
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
She said she was glad it was all out
That doesn't excuse the fact that you WW and your BF have a *past* that they felt you didn't need to know about.
Nor does it account for the fact that your WW was with this guy long after her supposedly *got therapy, I'm good now* phase. The woman had another guy on top of her when you proposed.
And a bit of a plus for her that the diary that you found was in the situation in which she described it....boxed and bagged (just like she said).
please remember I'm writing what I remember from an emotional state
Stu, having read this whole thread again, I do not think you were betrayed, you were deceived. There is an important distinction there in terms of what needs to be done IMO.
I really like what N&D and YoP had to say. Not talking about adultry here, just stuff from prior to a relationship, or even a job. People have a right to leave a past in their past if they have worked to recover. It should not have to be something that they have to carry with them for the rest of their days. There is redemption in life.
So to me the above post is too judegmental in terms of how your wife should be dealing with a messy and very painful situation. I think the main test foe your M is now that you know in *general* what the past was like, can your wife be an open person with you.
Stu, marriage depends on guys like you. The notion of for better or worse - accepting another human soul - unconditional love in a way that God love each of us.
It is not going to be easy. You have a male ego issue from your childhood. No one would blame you if you gave up. But that would obviously not exemplify the full capacity of the human heart. If you do reject her now, what will that tell her as a human soul about whether she deserves to be loved. It is tough to have this burden Stu to be sure.
*my thoughts are premised on the assumption that she has been faithful to you since the day after the Adonis thing.*
Also want to add that my WW is a doctor, and I can say that I have met a lot of them in my time. I would put them high on the cheater list. For a lot of reasons, but not worth going into. Sad that this guy wanted take advantage of your WW. What a dirt bag. AND I do think his solicitations warrant a phone call to his wife.
You and your W really need counseling with this as a couple. You both need counseling as individuals.
Your wife feels so much shame and fear. If you tell her one thing today, just tell her this. "Thank you for feeling safe enough with me to share that. I am not going anywhere and I can support you in working through this. I really think we need to see a counselor. They can help us break free our past and build a better future."
Living her life by ignoring it that way is letting the abusers win. It silences the hurt teenager inside her. That girl never got a chance to speak. What happened to her is not her fault and you know that. Her reactions to some of these things have hurt you since, but right now you have to deal with this at the beginning of it. A counselor is going to help you both process this stuff. My guess is that the check ins are more for substance abuse, not the other. MC isn't going to be very effective without her addressing this. The MC could lead there though. Any counselor is better than none. Look for practices that offer counseling for M and abuse.
It isn't going to be easy. I know this doesn't make you feel any better now, but it will later on. Her past is the direct cause of most of the pain in your life. You have to deal with that before you can go about rebuilding your M. Once she heals from that and you work on your M, your life is going to improve in ways you couldn't have imagined. Your W wants to break from her past, counseling is going to help her and by extension, you do that.
At risk of offering any more advice that is going to do more harm that good right right now I am just going to say that you both need a counselor who has experience dealing with abuse survivors and their spouses (infidelity in these situations in somewhat common). There is also a thread in the "I can relate" section that may be a bigger help to you right now for spouses of abuse survivors. I don't post there, but due to my past I read there some times. PM me if you want.
ETA: Be wary of advice offered by those that haven't lived you situation. Just like with infidelity, until you experience it first hand, you really can't understand it.
Also you may think it is good now, but when your children get older and they become involved with our people your W past is going to manifest itself in some pretty confusing and possibility damaging ways. It never goes away, but you learn how to manage it so the past stays in the past.
[This message edited by numb&dumb at 11:07 AM, March 14th (Friday)]
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.
I asked her about IC or MC an she said she was afraid where it might lead.
She told me that over the last 10 years she has occasionally seen a therapist so there would be no regression,
Look for consistency in words and actions.
Her past sounds traumatic, and some followup with a professional certainly couldn't hurt, right? You are her husband, not her IC, and now you are feeling traumatized, also.
I do think you will be able to receive some wonderful help here. I also think you need some heavy duty individual counseling before you make any permanent decisions regarding your marriage.
Because of her past actions do you believe you can't be married to her anymore?
It feels like you know someone whole heartedly and then to find out that you really didn't know them at all.
She's changed, you said it yourself! She's not that slut, whore, tramp that she once was.
Do you believe in second chances?
If you run into video or pictures then you'll have to deal with it, you haven't ran into them publicly before. They might not be out anymore. Look up sites how women say they will explain their past to their children when they grow up. Most of them are porn stars and playboy models.
She had sex with a guy while they were in a relationship and didn't tell him about it. That's cheating. Come on.
Also, this isn't about punishment. Cheating is about lying, breaking promises, and about the effect it has on the betrayed partner. Past abuse is a mitigating factor, sure, but it doesn't turn cheating into not cheating.
Or am I missing something?
We are all saying that what she did before she met him was in her past. No one is justifying that she didn't cheat on him, he's discovering more about her than what he thought. We are trying to help him over come her past before they even met.
im not saying this stuff isnt serious. it is.
the bit with adonis and you on the phone is especially distressing to read.
however, in 10 years shes been a good wife. shes trying to change. she wants to be a better person. she HAS been a better person. she has changed.
its tough. i know. but the big thing is ... shes the woman you married 10 years ago. nothing changed. the main thing that changed is what she did BEFORE you met her.
id think she needs counseling and help. i hope you can help her as well. shes done a huge thing telling you. take that and use that to make your relationship stronger.
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
His wife is flying so many red flags I'm surprised she doesn't fly away.
First, she allows Stu to propose to her while in the bed with another man.
Next, when confronted about this she basically tells Stu to "get over it".
She had a relationship with his best friend before him and never told him.
She seeks therapy and doesn't mention it.
She keeps affair mementos in their home.
She has a whole life full of nude modeling and such before him that she never mentions.
This all looks like the epitome of "having a secret" life to me. How can she and Stu have true intimacy when he really doesn't know her at all? He only knows what she "allows" him to know.
Isn't that wayward thinking and behavior? Isn't that dishonest?
And I'm sorry, but someone who is able to get a marriage proposal while in bed with another, AND keep secret that she dated her husband's best friend (who he sees often) for a decade, I just have a real hard time believing has been a model wife for the whole marriage. That kind of disordered wayward thinking just doesn't "turn off" on your wedding day. I'm afraid that if Stu keeps digging he find more and more and more, not all of it even related to cheating...just more "secret life" stuff. That's why she was scared of MC, she has secrets.
I'm sorry Stu.