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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Just learned after 10 years about what my wife did.
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I want is my life back with the women I trusted.

You will not get this back. Not in the same way. You have to accept that in order to have a life with her now, you have to rebuild under new conditions, transparency and communication.


I should have just lived in blissful ignorance.

You will likely always look back at the period where you were blissfully unaware as sort of idealized, innocent and happy... but now you have a chance at a more authentic life and a more fulfilling one with your wife.

But since Iím here, just give me coping skills and a way to stay healthy and sane.

Seeing your doctor is an excellent first step. Get into therapy to deal with this trauma. Put the 180 into effect to give yourself space to heal. Take care of your body (force yourself to eat protein shakes if you have to). Know that you will probably lose weight and experience other physical problems (I, for one, lost 40lbs and am still dealing with health issues). Do not use drugs or alcohol to self-medicate. Do not have a revenge affair and complicate matters. Begin to figure out what your dealbreakers are and what you can do to find peace. Be an active participant in your recovery. Make a list of things you want to do for yourself to baby yourself, make you feel good about yourself. Make a list of things that you want out of a relationship with another person-- whether it is with your wife or in the future. In time, perhaps take a course on sexuality and culture, gender issues or the like to help you understand where some of your triggers are coming from.

That's a start...


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
yme32313
♀ Member
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My counselor had me do these 3 things when I replay my husband (boyfriend) betrayal.
1. Acknowledge that it's in your head and say ok you're back.
2. Tell your brain "thank you" I'm safe. (That your brain makes you go back to show you that you're in a safe place).
3. Then tell your brain that you have other important things to do and move on and do something/think of other things. I do this like 4 times a day.

Other times I tell GOD I leave this to you, help me through it.


Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
stu23
♂ Member
Member # 42605
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yme32313 thank you for the info, I have been using it. It's not working as well as I had wished. Also there is another issue adding to my frustration. There was a water leak in my basement and I had to move my in-laws boxes. I called my best friend to come over and help me move them to safety. As we were moving them a few of the cardboard boxes fell apart. All over the basement floor were more pictures that belonged to my wife. They were pictures of her and previous boyfriends. Many of the pictures were of her and her boyfriends naked, some with cloths. A few of them were like "Girls Gone Crazy," and others were with her sexually involved with her guy or guys. My friend was picking them up and looking at me. I thought he looked uncomfortable. He started to open another box that I had moved earlier out of the water to put the picture and stuff in. I tried to stop him, that was the box with the Adonis pics and diary. He saw those pics also. He looked at me and said he had something to tell me. He knew about all the pictures and diaries. I didn't know this but he had known my wife before I did. He said there might be pictures of him in some of those boxes. He thought my wife had gotten rid of all that stuff after I married her. He told me he dated her for almost a year. The two had decided not to tell me because he didn't want it to come between us as friends; I have known him for almost 25 years. I was his best man, he was mine. I was about to say something when he said their relationship ended a long time ago. I believe him, he had been living in Colorado with his wife for a number of years. We talked and he told me things about my wife I couldn't believe. After he left I went through the boxes and pictures and became physically sick. I did find graphic picture of him and her together.

Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2014
stu23
♂ Member
Member # 42605
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just spoke to my friend and I asked him more questions about my wife. He told me that in freshmen year at college my wife dated a guy who was an art major in her art photo class and they used each other as their models. He took art type pictures of her, she of him. After they broke up she kept the pics and she would then take pics of the guys she dated, it became a thing she did. I never knew any of this. Who is the women I married?

Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2014
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well this knowledge kinda blows up a portion of her story that she told you, right? The one where she told you that the taking of the pictures had been OM's idea and that she just *went along* with it.

I'm really sorry. It is a SERIOUS kick in the gut to realize that the person who you thought you knew so well is really a stranger.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7944 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are many aspects of this new revelation that I find confusing. It's just such a bizarre coincidence. But, if this is the situation, Stu, you have a lot of manning up to do.

First of all, you have to do the 180. You have to start contemplating what a S or D would look like and preparing yourself for that. She's already said no to MC and has minimized everything. This means that you already know where she's at and it doesn't look good. Start figuring out whether you want her to leave, start looking around for a L, take a look at your finances.

Next, I really, really, really think you need to find an IC. Not only have you felt betrayed by your wife, but now you are finding out you didn't know your friends, either. I mean, frankly, this is all kinds of fucked up. If it is the case that she was sleeping with friends of yours... and no one told you about any of this for 10+ years? There is something seriously wrong with the people that you have in your life. You are going to need major help sorting through this and you can not rely on your wife, your friends or any of these people to help you do that because, evidently, they were happy to keep you in the dark.

Others may come along with some more solid advice. As I've said, I'm still somewhat of a novice here.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 12:38 PM, March 10th (Monday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
stu23
♂ Member
Member # 42605
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your confused, my gut and head are in a tail spin.
As I have said, for ten years my wife has been an outstanding mother to our children. As a wife I have no regrets, the 10 years with her were good. Did I have issues with her, yes, just like any other marriage. Her never saying I Love You was something I wondered about. But she has always been there for us, she works also. Granted I only see her in the evenings and for a few hours on the weekends because I'm working 2 jobs right now. Romance is not as often as I would like, maybe a few times a month and when we do its great. But my married guy friends have said the same thing. As I said before, if I didn't know any of this....? My friend and I have talked some more in the last few minutes. He told me more about the relationship with my wife and he never told his wife either. He figured jealousy wasn't something either I our his wife should have to live with. Since the relationship had ended and if we all were to be friends we didn't need that getting in the way, he said his wife does get jealous.

Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2014
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry Stu. This keeps getting worse by the second. I agree strongly with Phantom Limb above. You need to do a hard 180. Take a look and see what an S or D looks like to you. I know it's easy for us to sit here and say those things Stu but take a step back and look at everything. It's completely mind blowing at this point and you are in the middle of a trauma. You need to separate to make yourself stronger.

She was/is clearly lying to you and minimizing all of this. It's not that she hung onto just "Adonis", she hung onto all of it. You don't just hang onto that stuff. I'm sorry you just don't. What else is she hiding? What else has she done? Just this past Friday night I was discussing my mother's diary with my counselor. There were horribly graphic things that I read in there. My mother went into great sexual detail about what she did with her AP and also how she wanted to have sex with my brother and I. Sick shit. Why did my mother document everything? Saying she was sick is an understatement. She wanted her diary to be found. She wanted someone to read it. My C said that you don't write things that are that salacious or have that level of documentation if you don't want someone to read it.

I do not want to project here. But why did your wife hold onto all this shit? Why was in not thrown away a long time ago? You do have kids right? I would be absolutely out of my mind furious that this was in the house in a place where the kids could get access to it. I'm emotionally sick reading this thread and feeling your pain. The fact that she can't see any of this is a HUGE F'N problem. She's sick in her own way. Now that you can see she's lying to cover this stuff up, what else is she lying about?

I'm sorry Stu, I don't mean to sound so dramatic but this is traumatic stuff. It's not that this happened 10 years ago. This is way past that. It's still happening or it wouldn't be around for anyone to find. I'm not implying that she's having affairs but I honestly wouldn't put it past her. Whatever this is it's still going on or there wouldn't be so much documentation lying around for someone to find.

Deep breath Stu. You can't worry about her until she starts to worry about herself. What are your feelings about now just concentrating on you? What are your feelings on 180 and IC now?

ETA - garmmar corrections above

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 12:44 PM, March 10th (Monday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1958 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
yme32313
♀ Member
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my dear friend Stu,
This is so heartbreaking and I can see where you are coming from. My husband had boxes of his phone records and seeing how he would call the other woman after he got off the phone with me, made my heart just drop to the floor. I can only imagine how you feel to see actual pictures.
Question? Are they before you or during?
I know about the one guys she was with when you asked her to marry you, but are any of these guys during your relationship?
She should have thrown everything away, just the same way my husband should have when I moved in but could there be a possibility that they forgot about it?
Burn her diary and photos, if you see them as a threat BURN THEM!!
I'm going to counseling by myself, I need to work on what husband (boyfriend) did to me at the time we were dating. I'm just like you trying to move on day by day.


Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
yme32313
♀ Member
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also your friend should have told you this a long time ago, What kind of friend is he. She should have as well, so you could have decided if you'd be ok with their past relationship.
I found out my husband with this lady of course after we got married had he told me he was with her before, I wouldn't have even dated him.


Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently here Stu, one more question that I asked before. I went back and reread your very first post. You said that you were the one that pushed for the details of that weekend. She's been lying about it for 10 years. Why tell you the truth now Stu? What is she getting at? Is she pissed at you for something? If she wanted all of this to be hidden, she wouldn't have told you "some" of the truth of that weekend. She would have kept it a secret and had gotten rid of all of that evidence. The fact that this is coming out now and that her past is now following her I don't think is a coincidence. Why tell you all of this now? Why have you find all of this now? Something going on with her Stu.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1958 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
stu23
♂ Member
Member # 42605
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm only thinking out loud here, trying to work through this mess. I said this before, I was a virgin when I met my wife. I thought I learned all about her past. Could it be that knowing what I did about her might have been a turn on. I did have self esteem issues that other guys were better than me and worked hard to prove to my self that I was as good as them. Could being with my wife have been part of it? I said that my gut had told me something was different when I returned home and we had sex, I chose to disregard it. Could I have been getting off through my wife's past? This sounds sick.

Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2014
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a thought: I have photos (physical and on hard drives) of other men I dated before my X that I wouldn't have wanted him to see. I have artwork that one of them made of me and for me. I have other momentos in a box somewhere (a varsity jersey and that sort of thing).

With the photos, the only reason I didn't deal with them is that... I didn't want to deal with them. I didn't want to look at them. But if I came across them, I'd throw them out. But I wouldn't have actively done so. On some level, it's just embarrassing to deal with.

As for the other stuff-- why not keep it in a box somewhere. When I'm 90, maybe I'll want to go through that stuff and take a trip down memory lane.

My point is: consider as part of your R process (if you choose to go through that) to make destroying this stuff TOGETHER a piece of it.

I don't know if I would judge her too too harshly for keeping it. But I WOULD judge her for lying by omission and for pretending she was someone she wasn't with you. That to me is more important. Actually, in a weird way, you are lucky she didn't destroy this stuff. Otherwise, you may have never known.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
stu23
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Member # 42605
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

years of pain, I pushed for the info. She didn't want to discuss it. I started to push her buttons in a very negative way and she let me have it, all of it. After 10 years with someone you know how to get them mad at you if you want too.

Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2014
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought I learned all about her past. Could it be that knowing what I did about her might have been a turn on. I did have self esteem issues that other guys were better than me and worked hard to prove to my self that I was as good as them. Could being with my wife have been part of it?

Wait, I'm confused now. Did you know she dated/slept around or not?

I know you know she wasn't a virgin... but you seem to be expressing both sides of the coin. Either you knew she slept with other men and what kind of men they were and that turned you on, or you knew she had a sexual past but that was it...


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say this with a gentle voice Stu. I don't want to disregard the past here Stu. Not at all. Focus on the present and get to the past later. Focus on what's going on right now between you and your wife. Forget the alpha/beta thing for now. Forget about whether it was a turn on for you or not in the past. This is not 10 years ago. This is right now. Your wife is lying to you about her past. Why? Your wife is hanging onto documentation 10 years ago. Why? Your kids could have found that documentation. You did find that documentation. THAT is the F'n problem at the moment. Why is she like this with YOU Stu? WHY is she not willing to work with YOU? Why is she minimizing and not recognizing your pain? Forget "Adonis", your "friend" and all the others for a couple of minutes. What is the real problem right in front of you Stu? Is it all that shit in the past? Or is it your wife standing in front of you now?


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1958 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry. cross posting:

years of pain, I pushed for the info. She didn't want to discuss it. I started to push her buttons in a very negative way and she let me have it, all of it. After 10 years with someone you know how to get them mad at you if you want too.

I hear that Stu. But I see this statement as the current bigger problem. She's not willing to work with you. She's not willing to look at any of her interactions WITH YOU as a problem. Why? (rhetorical question). She may not ever give you the why. So what do you want to do about it? Are you willing to stop being upset about this and go along with her? Fine if you do. If that's the case then concentrate on the symptoms. Personally I would prefer to concentrate on what causes the symptoms.

I'm very genuinely worried about you here Stu.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1958 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
stu23
♂ Member
Member # 42605
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since the stuff was boxed at her parents house and we only just got them after they passed away I think she just forgot about them They had been covered with tarps and were quite dirty. Some boxes had newspaper in them that were 15 or more years old. I called my mother and she told me she had boxes from when I was in college, I don't remember them at all. I will maybe give my wife that. If it weren't my wife, and I was horney there is plenty to occupy my private time(I'm trying to be funny. This a first for me in in a long time, finding something funny.)

Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2014
ReunitePangea
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Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stu - I am sorry you found out more lying and deception.

There seems to be several indicating that it would be a good idea to destroy this new information. When you are satisfied that you have the truth, all of it, then that may be an excellent idea. Right now you need to take possession of this evidence until you understand the truth of what is going on.

Right now you have a couple possiblities - either prior to being married your wife lied/deceived you and has continued to hold onto these pre-marriage lies until now. Or you are just beginning to understand the lies/deception/cheating that your wife has gone to. The fact she refuses MC is a red flag there is more.

Right now you are a detective trying to figure out what just happened. Police don't go throwing away evidence during the trial. Look at it that way. When the trial is over - go ahead and destroy the evidence.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 473 | Registered: Nov 2012
stu23
♂ Member
Member # 42605
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PhantomLimb, I new she wasn't a virgin and I asked her about her past boyfriends, I had never slept with a women before and I wanted to know what to do and what would make her happy sexually; I said this some where. She was reluctant, but I just asked again.

Posts: 127 | Registered: Feb 2014
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