There is also a thread down in the 'I Can Relate' forum for people who find out years later where you might find some support.
BUT TAKE COMFORT IN THE FACT THAT SHE CHOSE YOU OVER LOVER-BOY!!!!!!! When you asked her to marry you, she said YES!! What more validation than that do you need my man?
Has she been continuously faithful to you since that time? If yes, then you need to move on and start thinking about more pleasant thoughts.
Finding out about an infidelity years after the fact is difficult. Not only do you have the infidelity to contend with, but also (a) the fact that you've been lied to, daily, for the intervening time, and (b) the fact that, to the WS, this is OLD NEWS. She's processed it, and very likely will soon expect you to "just get OVER it."
Only it doesn't work that way. She's had a decade to make it all right in her mind. You have not. You will go through the WHOLE lengthy process now---and also have to make peace, somehow, with the notion that your wife was okay holding that lie, that enormous barrier to real emotional intimacy, between you for so long.
It's very, very difficult. Your wife doesn't sound like she's quite ready to own her actions fully. (It doesn't matter, even a little whether you were living together. You were in a relationship, and attempts to Ross and Rachel the situation really is not going to help you "get over it.") Hopefully she will reach a place of full personal responsibility and, with it, remorse before it's too late.
Sadly, those who are able to harbor lies for so very long often are NOT able to do the work required of a healthy and emotionally intimate relationship. At very least, I'd expect my WS to be doing some serious work to find out why this was okay with her. (Of course, this is something that has to come from HER. You can make IC non-negotiable, but if she's not really going to do the work, it's an exercise in futility. So what I'd really be looking for is a wife who desperately wants to find out what, inside of her, made this OKAY---and wants to gather the emotional tools necessary to ensure that she never, ever is as careless with another heart, or her own, again.)
(ETA: Please note that not all of the responses you receive will be thoughtful and backed by experience. The vast majority of posters respond carefully and thoughtfully, but not all do. I'm not naming names, but if a response seems to stand out from the others as being out of place, please don't allow it to bother you.)
[This message edited by solus sto at 7:14 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)]
There are primal urges within men to stake claim to your woman. This urge is incredibly strong and sometimes irrational, as you rightly point out. This feeling that 'your woman' was taken by someone else brings out the fears, emotions and traits that were bred into us long ago during the Neolithic era. These traits help us to survive and propogate our genes further.
Go to your wife. Tell her you are hurting and need her support. Ask for a hug. Keep talking about this fling and DEFINITELY DONT SWEEP UNDER THE RUG. Go see a counsellor together. Eventually the feelings will die down, I promise.
The other thing that is bothersome is her sadism. She tells you all of the porn star stuff she does with her Adonis which she knows hurts you. Was that necessary? Almost as if she is asserting her independence; that she was free to give her body to whoever she pleases until she committed to you, which was after the sex with Adonis unfortunately.
Get the feeling that you are a lot more emotionally committed to your wife than she is to you. You need to evaluate your relationship and analyze whether it is appropriately 'balanced'; then adjust your attitude accordingly. Start by not discussing this betrayal with your wife anymore; its counter-productive and you won't get your wife to see things differently. You will just come across as insecure and lacking in confidence, which will weaken your relationship.
I believe that this is a communication issue with your wife, more than it is anything else. I am not trying to minimize your pain in the least---but this seems to be more of a betrayal by deceit, than an act of infidelity.
Gently here, friend:
Honestly if I had known ten years ago I would have walked.
I think that you really need to evaluate, and re-evaluate this statement. You KNEW that she was going to sleep with this guy. And your response was to "beat him to the punch" by asking her to marry you. Is that any way to start the beginning of a lifetime relationship? Did you assume that once she said "yes", all of her poor behavior would just disappear? Or was your insecurity overtaking your rational thought process?
I am not saying this to be a jerk. What I am saying is that your engagement started on a terrible foundation. Your wife is wrong, wrong, WRONG--in thinking that she did nothing wrong. Almost narcissistic in her behavior. But if you do have a 10 year marriage that you believe is decent except for her deceit, then I believe that the two of you should work on it. Again, communication is key. If you realize that she doesn't have, and may never had contained, the empathy that you feel you need, then you may look deep to see if you want to stay where you are.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
Maybe you have some serious problems in this relationship.
I think you'd be within your rights to say you expect the two of you to go as part of your healing and to process what happened and improve the M.
To me this discovery in and of itself should not torpedo your M, however it should be spoken about and addressed and MC should probably be part of that.
Maybe she's afraid of starting to be honest. However honesty should be the glue between you and if it's not THAT is an even bigger problem than the ONS.
Your wife shows no remorse for what she did that weekend. It sounds like to her it's no big deal.
Your wife shows no empathy for you. Get over it Stu. It was another life time ago.
She says she won't go to MC with you. Why?
Strike 3. I don't want to plant a seed if there is truly nothing there, but my gut is telling me differently. She at the very minimum should have empathy and apologize for what she has done. I would be down on my hands and knees with my wife begging to hold her...because I love her and don't want her to suffer. Anything to help her with her pain. I don't see any of that. In fact, when you reach out to her I see her flinch. What is she hiding? Is there something else there? Doesn't have to be another affair that she had, could be a problem that she has with the marriage. Again, I can't stress enough that it could be nothing but my gut says otherwise. I see a big red flag. At the minimum she is not willing to help you get over it. WHY? What other issue does she have?
Wishing you strength and courage to get through this Stu.
ETA - Why tell you about that weekend 10 years ago now? What is she trying to accomplish? I she truly trying to clear her conscience...but there would be some sort of remorse with that. Or is there another reason for telling you?
[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 1:13 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)]
our marriage seems to be a good one, I think
When you take into account her contempt for counseling, her overall attitude is not very conducive to a secure relationship.
You said you love your wife. And obviously your wife loves you.
She was "easy" when you met her.
That is the past.
Did she lie to you? Yes.
But you married her for who she is.
You can go on for the next ten years crying about the what happened ten years ago.
You can hold her accountable, help her get to the bottom of why she had no self esteem and both of you can dedicate the rest of your lives to each other and your family.
You need to stop your imagination of the past and focus on your future together.
Drop a turd on the OM's car if you ever run into him again. It will make you feel better.
Burn your wife diary with her.
And leave the past in the past.