Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: KevinTheAsshole (45445)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Confrontation is tomorrow!
castellana
♀ New Member
Member # 42609
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tomorrow is the day. Please, if you have a little backbone and supreme calmness to spare send it my way. I really want to be an unemotional rock for this.

I don't have everything totally organized but I do have the copies of our bank accounts and taxes, important records, kids birth certificates, and a couple of meaningful things from my family put away. I have gassed up the car. I have laid out my clothes. Childcare is covered for the entire day. I have an appointment set for the divorce attorney for the day after. And I have been practicing in front of the mirror, in the car, while I fold laundry, etc.

Since we will be at the marriage counselor, probably not a bad location since who knows how WH will react - most likely very, very angry - my plan is this:

1. Pay counselor upfront.
2. Stay calm. Sit down on couch.
3. Let WH talk first. He will whine about being underappreciated. Do not react.
4. Breathe deeply.
5. Calmly, quietly say, "I know you are having an affair, it explains a lot of why you have been emotionally abusive to the kids and I. I cannot understand why you would be more affectionate with a skank that dates married men than with your own children but it is your loss. I am seeing a divorce attorney tomorrow."
6. Stand up.
7. Breathe.
8. Walk out of office.
9. Flee to car, drive to park and cry.
10. Check SI on phone.
11. Pick up kids, take them out for pizza.
12. Go home, deal with whatever s**tstorm awaits.

What am I missing? Do I stick around to hear his reaction or the MC reaction? Really at this moment the only question is how long it has actually been going on -- I realized today that they probably met four years ago at a conference when we lived in another state. Four fricken years!


Posts: 35 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you certain you want to D? If he was truly remorseful would you consider R?

If R is a possibility I'd change #5 quite a bit.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1996 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Castellana

Stay calm. Sure you can listen to him.

And if he is full of crap then trust your gut, get up and walk out.

And when you get home, if he starts any nonsense tell him he can talk to your attorney.

Look at his actions not his words.

Trust your gut.

HM


Posts: 906 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
lastdance
♀ Member
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PERFECT-------PERFECT--------STAY COOL AFTER YOU GO HOME-------A LOT OF CRAP WILL COME OUT OF HIS MOUTH--------DONT CAVE IN----PLEASE GET TESTED FOR STDS--------YOU JUST STAY CALM AND DO NOT CRY-----SORRY FOR ALL CAPS BUT MY PC IS ACTING UP TODAY------SOOOOOOOOO Proud of you GIRL

Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
lastdance
♀ Member
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PERFECT-------PERFECT--------STAY COOL AFTER YOU GO HOME-------A LOT OF CRAP WILL COME OUT OF HIS MOUTH--------DONT CAVE IN----PLEASE GET TESTED FOR STDS--------YOU JUST STAY CALM AND DO NOT CRY-----SORRY FOR ALL CAPS BUT MY PC IS ACTING UP TODAY------SOOOOOOOOO Proud of you GIRL

Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
wewillmakeit
♂ Member
Member # 26290
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7.5 "I'll be back after I compose myself"
Then leave. If you don't say that he will probably chase you down and you'll have a vitriolic tete-a-tete right there.

As to #5. I think it's fine to say that you are seeing a lawyer. You should see a lawyer, just to understand your rights and the process. It doesn't mean that you have to file.

You might consider taking the kids and spending the night somewhere else. Shelter from the s**t storm.


Posts: 265 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very good and much strength is being sent to you. Another option for waiting for the sh@tstrom is to have someone else at the house that he would not act out in front of. Is it an option to tell him to find an alternative place to live? He is not welcome back to your home? Is changing the locks an option?

You can do this. You have it planned. You have the strength.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1668 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Daddo
♂ Member
Member # 4504
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs

Good luck tomorrow

I know it is easier said then done, but do your best to be calm and strong.

Read the 180 rules - they will provide some good guidance during this horrible time. - http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

As for the question of divorce vs R . . . that is way in the future. You need to get through this first period, you can't plan the future now. Just get through the day, each day.


It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2512 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll be sending you all of the spine-calm-mojo possible all day tomorrow. I too, would consider perhaps spending the night at a hotel with the children, and then going home after you see the lawyer.

As to if you stay to hear anything while at the MC, that is up to you. I take it that you will be in separate cars so that you are not stuck without transportation? In any case, if he tries to follow you out or intercept you, ask the MC to escort you to your car, tell your WH that you will see him at home (just don't tell him when), and leave. If he follows or tries anything stupid, drive to the nearest police station, park in front of the main door, and start honking your horn aggressively to get attention.

Don't forget to pack your computer and the chargers for your phone and computer as well. (((hugs))) Just remember. There are a lot of people here who all have your back. You are NOT alone!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck today. Try to remain as calm as possible. We are here for you!

((castellana))


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1996 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
kalimata
♂ Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Castellana,

Best wishes for today. looks like you have everything planned out well. Do you have a small sliver of evidence that you can show at the Therapist's office before walking out? Picture, text, etc? Because the first thing he will do is to deny, deny, deny. The therapist will try to take a neutral position and try not to take sides and will believe him. But if you shove proof in his face, it will more difficult for him.

Other thoughts:
1) Are you driving together to the therapist? If not suggest that you both arrive/leave separately
2) I would suggest to increase the exposure to other people on the same day. People that you both are close to: religious leaders, family members, friends. Can you tell his parents? Your parents? Exposure will be the one thing that will make him cower in fear to you.
3)Try to avoid telling your kids unless they are older and can understand
4)Go to the bank and get some cash today. Get enough money to use for the next few days in case he does something crazy like cancel the credit cards

Whatever you do, DON'T SHOW SIGNS OF WEAKNESS. DO NOT CRY, BEG OR PLEAD in front of him. It will make you look weak and he will see it on your face. Stay strong. Come back here if you need support.


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
lovehatelove
♀ Member
Member # 42541
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

good luck to you!!! I wish I would have reacted differently when I found out and confronted WH (it all was within a few mins time!!)

I'm just wondering.... why are people saying not to cry...? isn't it a healthy reaction to realizing your marriage is (possibly) over...?

what am I missing..??


DDay ~ 2/23/13

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2014
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending you LOADS of strength, good thoughts, prayers and good vibes for your confrontation.

Just a thought - you might want to jot down the points you want to make tonight on a piece of paper or a card. It's SO easy to get knocked off track once the chaos begins. This way, you can make sure you get to say everything you intended to say.

Good on you. You're my new hero!


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1836 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
SadInNC
♀ Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sgree that you need to bring any evidence that you have. His first reaciton will be to deny it till he's blue in the face. Bring the proof. Good luck and stay strong!


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 345 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending you lots of SI mojo for strength and serenity, castellana.

Your plan is good. I, personally, would want to hear my WH's response. Will he deny (most likely), or will he admit? Will he have remorse and immediately beg for forgiveness, or will he get angry and blame you? The choice is yours if you would like to hear what he says or not.

eta: to fix word

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 8:14 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9844 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Lyonesse
♀ Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I didn't see this yesterday, but...I would suggest also moving money into a separate account. Some WS withdraw all the cash in an effort to maintain control. I don't know if you are financially independent of him, but I'd take half and put it elsewhere.

Wishing you strength today.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
Ann124
♀ Member
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't read all the responses to your post but something to consider if it is an option.

Yes, say you will return so he doesn't follow you out the door. Pick up the kids pizza etc ... Don't go home (marriage home) to find the sh*tstorm that awaits you all ... go to a hotel, go any where but back to the marital home for the night.


Posts: 387 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, castellana! I have little differing advice. :( Just wanted you to know how deeply your post affected me. I'm about 15 months out from the first confrontation and reading about your preparation made me tear up. It is so overwhelming and so surreal that we would have to PRACTICE something like this!!! That we've been placed in this situation. But I love how you've responded. You've got this!!!

I'd grab your children's shot cards, too. And I seem to differ from other posters here, but I don't like the thought of your leaving the home with your children. I'd prefer that HE be told to leave. Could you stay and have a parent/sibling/friend(s) stay the night with you? Just a thought.

Hugs!

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 4:34 PM, March 6th (Thursday)]


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 462 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep calm, show no weakness that WS can exploit. Mentioning divorce is the right thing to do and you can always withdraw the petition if he is appropriately remorseful. You need to be tough with a wayward, or get taken advantage of with more lies and false promises.

I would not return to the marital home alone. Get a friend or relative to accompany you. Physical violence is something you need to guard against; a WS can get very angry at being found out and outed to friends and family and I don't see how you can feel safe in that situation.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending strength! Good luck! (((Hugs))).


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 42
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

Return to Forum: Just Found Out Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.