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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: loss of virginity and loss of respect
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On Monday at IC, we started to delve into losing my virginity at the age of 15. The guy named “S” was 19. I had been introduced to him by one of my HS friends – she was his brother. He saw my picture and thought I was cute. I can remember that I had to sleep over at her house in order to have sex with him. I can’t remember a bunch of things about my “relationship” with him: what day or month it was that I met him, the date we had sex for the first time, how many encounters there were, how I felt during the sex, if I told any of my friends that I had sex with him. There are things that I can remember about it, but they are weird things: the smell of his Drakkar, the blood on the sheets, that he took naked pictures of me because he was going away (military? college?) and he wanted something to remember me by, an egg sandwich from a hospital across the street from my HS (I think him and I when we met had breakfast there in the café prior to a school day starting since it was close to my school), The Simpsons being on in his house, the phone in his kitchen, etc. I know I went to Planned Parenthood to get BC sometime during this period. I am not sure how old I was (16?), if I was still having sex with him at the time, and if I wasn’t able to drive yet, did he drive me there? Sometimes when I remember these things it is like I am floating above the scene looking down. My IC definitely feels that this was a trauma to me, because it was not ready for sex, but I think I did it out of curiosity and probably pressure from him.

IC asked me to talk about something else about this time period. I talked about twirling a flag in the band in HS. I spoke about all of the good memories about this time and was able to speak freely about it, remembering details and events very clearly. I also remembered the feelings associated with it. She noticed that when I was talking about “S” and losing my virginity, it was very matter of fact with yes, no, I don’t know, almost as if I was on a witness stand. But when I was talking about band, I spoke very freely with a lot of detail. She stated that when you are traumatized, you can’t remember specific details. Sadly, I also can’t remember a lot of the feelings and details of my sexual experiences due to them being drug (marijuana) or alcohol fueled. I have a flicker of memory having some wine or a wine cooler during the time with “S”, but I can’t be sure. If it did, it would explain why I have equated sex with drinking, especially if it started at such a young age.

Another thing that I have learned about my history about sex, is it is “all about the man”. Basically what makes him happy and gives him pleasure has been what my sexual history is about. My IC believes that receiving pleasure for myself (or giving it to myself) is confusing to me, therefore I am unable to do it (hence no orgasm). I probably was “programmed” by this first guy that it was about his pleasure and not mine. Something happened in my early life OR was missing from my early that made me not feel loved enough to say no to all of the guys that I had sex with. That somehow, I have been unable to demand respect for myself, either by other people AND from myself. I don't respect me. I'm ashamed of me.

Obviously dealing with all of this is very painful, but it is a part of the puzzle of my “why”. Any feedback anyone could give would be very appreciated.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 321 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((pizzalover))

That is hard, scary work, and you are brave to dig into it.

At the risk of sounding, IDK, inappropriately flippant...I sure hope you can unlock "the big O" one day. ICR to what you wrote about sex being for the man. I read in a book recently that sexual abuse survivors are often *literally incapable* of sharing their intimate desires with their sex partner. Very true for me. Throughout our M, BH would ask me, what do you want, sexually? And I would open my mouth, but the words wouldn't come out.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sure hope you can unlock "the big O" one day.

So do I!

I read in a book recently that sexual abuse survivors are often *literally incapable* of sharing their intimate desires with their sex partner. Very true for me. Throughout our M, BH would ask me, what do you want, sexually? And I would open my mouth, but the words wouldn't come out.

I started tearing up reading this. This is so me. I can't express what I want and feel ashamed about asking. I also feel ashamed to give myself what I want, because it feels wrong and dirty. A few months after DD my BH and I were talking about porn. I will watch in private while I'm masterbating and will use a vibrator. I remember telling him that when I would hear him come down the hall, I would quickly put the vibrator because I didn't want him to know what I was doing. He said he would have been turned on by this, but I felt ashamed. He also wanted me to watch porn with him, but I became incredibly embarrassed about watching with him, like it was something unhealthy. I am assuming that these things are a result of my trauma?


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 321 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Sad  Posted: 3:07 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had therapy again last night and we were continuing to talk about my sexual past. It is extremely painful. My IC asked me if I can forgive my 15 year old self. I am not sure that I can yet. I feel angry at parents for never talking to me about sex, or making me feel like I could talk to them about it. I'm pissed about my lack of memories regarding sex - that so much of what I remember is painful. A pattern of allowing men to use me over and over. Yes, they were all single before my relationship and affair, but I allowed myself to be taken advantage of. I'm ashamed of sex. I feel like it is a dirty, shameful thing. I'm mad at myself for not talking to BH earlier in our relationship about how much pain my sexual past caused me. I think I am scared to let go and have the Big O. My IC feels that it's hard for me to understand what healthy loving sex is because it started out dirty and bad. I don't think my BH understands how painful this is for me. It's hard to talk about it - hell, it's hard to talk about it with my therapist. I'm trying as best as I can to express my pain about it, but it's hard to get the words out. He never had sex before me. Only two sexual relationships have been healthy - a guy I dated between high school and college, and my BH. He says he wished that he had other experiences besides me. I would give up ALL of those experiences to have only had sex with one person who made me feel special and loved. I know my BH loves me - I have a hard time loving myself. I beat myself up often for those actions as well as the devastating actions of my affair. I'm angry that I hurt so many people. I'm angry that my brokenness affected others. I want to be fixed.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 321 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
fst86411
♂ Member
Member # 41644
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No stop sign... BH here, I don't really have any advice for you other than that I can relate to what your husband feels. I also wonder if this has something to do with my wife's thought process too. Her first time she was raped by her boyfriend at the time. I never new this until we started counseling. Our sex life has been horrible our entire marriage and this explains a lot of this to me. However she claims that she is over it and has no impact on our marriage. I don't agree with this at all. Just want to tell you to keep up the good work, in the end this will help you and your marriage so much. I also want to say that no woman deserves to be treated like she is only there to serve the man. You deserve to enjoy the incredible joy and bonding effect that healthy sex provides. Good luck and God bless.


Met 1997
Married 2002
D-Day July 8, 2012

Who knows what went on?


Posts: 59 | Registered: Dec 2013
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife went through all of this, still is working on it. It is hard, confusing, and requires a thorough rethinking of life.

What happened at 15 is rape. It may not feel like it to you, you may not want to call it that, you may feel silly approaching it that way, but it is rape. Sure, you made poor choices, but that doesn't excuse the older person, nor does it mean you are stupid, nor does that tell you why you made those choices. You can figure out all that with long term counseling. Getting to the point where you understand it is one thing, but believing it is even harder.

The worst thing about these things is that it messes up the way you think about yourself and others. You have to overcome YOU. It makes you not trust yourself, and if you don't trust yourself you can't trust anyone else.

I'd suggest a book, Healing Sex, which might help.

My wife was unable to have an orgasm until I purchased her a vibrator, and couldn't talk about it, she was unable to have one with anyone in the same room until years had gone by, and she wasn't able to have one with a partner (me) until she confessed her affair, told about the rapes, and broke down those emotional walls that she had built up to protect herself. Probably over 200 sex partners from the age of 15 till 30, sometimes more than one in a day, random guys from bars, older men, abusive men. Drug and alcohol fueled encounters.

But no orgasm and lots of shame...unending shame that disappeared with alcohol and sex, but only with strangers that she knew she wouldn't see again, only to come back immediately. She felt awful about sex in our marriage, I was there day, after day, after day...she had to look at me afterward...had to look at the kids. She felt "dirty".

Not anymore.

Those first orgasms would take an hour or more...and frequently they just didn't happen.

Now, 4 years after the confession, next week, and it will be 22 years since we first had sex, she can have an orgasm in a few minutes with me. Sometimes more than one. But, she trusts me absolutely, no question about my love and affection and care for her well being. It was hard, hard work...getting to the point of trusting herself, and trusting someone else.

Then, there is the fact that I'm the worlds greatest lover.

[This message edited by standinghere at 2:31 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)]


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 912 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Standinghere -

Wow. Thanks for sharing your wife's story. How did she get past the shame? How did she forgive herself? I am definitely going to check out the book that you recommended. Did that help her? Her story is similar to mine, but I had a lot less partners, however the shame is identical. I never thought of the time I lost my virginity as rape, but it makes a lot of sense. I am trying to get past the shame and pain, but it is extremely hard.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 321 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
Topic Posts: 7

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