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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Restarting the D...feeling like a b****
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Friday marked the end of my mental deadline for any possibility of R. Well as you all probably foresaw, The Arse did not suddenly have a remorseful change of heart. Saturday I emailed my solicitor (I'm in the UK) explaining how I was now ready to restart the D process. I knew I needed to do it to stop me backing out somehow.

But...The Arse's mum just died last week.

Then I realised I needed to let The Arse know before he got an email from his solicitor surprising him with the news. The Arse had politely texted me asking if I had a CD that he wanted to play at his mum's funeral. I don't have it, but looked for it in case. Nope, don't have it. So I decided to phone him back. I told him that I'd looked but didn't have it. He was not happy. Then I told him:

Me: Oh, and I've contacted my solicitor to start the divorce up again
The Arse: [pause] Huh? Timing!
Me: I thought this was what you wanted?
The Arse: [non-committal grunt] But, timing!
Me: I've had this mental deadline since September, it's not about you. I just wanted to let you know.


Now there's another thing: My BIl has helped line up a potential part-time clergy job for me. The job has a discernment process that has a few stages and the next one is to go and have a look around and meet a few people for a weekend. The Arse and I currently split the weekend with the children, so I needed to ask him if he was ok to take them for an entire weekend.

I realised this morning, just before he returned the children, that I needed to ask him today, so that I can get back to them this week (there's some complicated timing issues). So this was the conversation:

Me: I have to go up for a weekend to look at a potential job, would you be able to look after the boys for me the entire weekend, might mean a school dropoff too?
The Arse: When is it?
Me: I'm not sure, I needed to find out if you'd do it first so that I can get back to them and work out dates.
The Arse: Where is the job?
Me: You don't need to know that
The Arse: [getting angry] Yes I do. I tell you when I move job!
Me: You move job within 4 weeks, it takes months for me to move [as he well knows]
The Arse: So when would you be starting?
Me: It's early days, this is just a looksee, not even an interview. But IF I got it, probably start in September
The Arse: So you won't tell me where?
Me: You don't need to know
The Arse: So you'll tell me if it gets to interview?
Me: Yes, if it becomes likely, but it's early days and I already had 2 that didn't happen.


If it comes to interview, I think I'm going to ask for midweek and see if my mum can babysit for a couple of days! Surely he doesn't need to know unless I get the job?

But anyway...so within the last week the following realisations have hit him: His mother (root of many FOO issues and especially his passive aggressive personality disorder) has died (I love her too). He is being divorced. His children may be leaving the area in Sept (if I get the job, we'll be moving away).

The timing is lousy but needful, especially the job. Part time clergy posts for women in my position (separated and soon to be D) are like hens teeth and I need to follow this up. I feel like such a b****, though.

Oh and we'll all be at the funeral together in 2 weeks. I imagine he's going to make me out to be a callous b**** to everyone who knows me, now that he has something nasty to say about me.

And I suppose I need to change The Arse's status from WH to STBXWH now too...


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 900 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not a B****. You gave him advance notice of restarting the D, which is more than I would have done. The Arse's reactions and feelings are no longer your problem.

Don't worry too much about what other people at the funeral think. They're more likely to think you waited until MIL passed so as not to hurt her. Not that it really matters what they think anyway.

((Softcentre))


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1657 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Gemini said.

Bed. Made. Lie.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being a bitch can't be that bad if you wear boots like these.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9538 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You aren't a bitch. I bet he didn't carefully plan his cheating around normal life so it wouldn't all be too much for you when bad things happened, did he?

Don't let him guilt you. If his mother wouldn't have died then he would've cited some other reason you shouldn't have done it. The truth is he's never going to be ready to face his reality. And he will always see you as the bad guy for having to face any consequences of his actions.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1550 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He started the EA with My Friend when my first child was a baby and I was about to give up paid work and be completely reliant on him, moving away from my support network and right near his family. He started the EA/PA with Fat Bottomed Girl when I was still healing up from the caesarian with our other child, it progressed to PA while I was dealing with my father's cancer diagnosis, they used my children to flirt in front of me at the wedding where I saw her for the first and only time...I was banished to look after the children while he danced the night away with her. He tt'd for four months after Dday, that time period included my birthday and our second child's 3rd birthday. He confessed it was a PA two weeks before Christmas. He walked out 2 days before my sister's birthday. He spent our wedding anniversary out in an expensive restaurant with Fat Bottomed Girl. He has (apparently) been flirting with Fat Bottomed Girl on facebook since my birthday this year. He told me on CHRISTMAS DAY this year that he had forgiven me

You're right, he gave no thought at all to my special dates and points of pain.

I don't have any of those lovely boots you posted NG, but I do have these and they have steel heel tips.


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[This message edited by Softcentre at 4:49 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)]


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 900 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
LifeIsBroken
♀ Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You shouldn't be feeling guilty for your 'timing' or anything else considering the crap your stbxws has handed you. Instead, put on those boots and do a happy dance that you will be free of him. What a class-a jerk he is. Sadly, he appears to believe it truly is all about HIM. Do NOT feel guilty for your reactions to his stupid actions.


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 458 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those boots will definitely do! Put 'em on, Sister!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9538 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 8

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