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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I think I belong here now and it sucks
gettingthere2013
♀ Member
Member # 38232
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband told me last night that we're done...I spent two hours trying to talk him out of it. He says he just can't take it anymore,that I have made bad decisions,that I'm immature and unreasonable and illogical. I'm so scared to be on my own-I literally never have been,went from my parents to my husband. He's with the kids at a sporting event today,leaving only our special needs son at home.He said that he'll think about it,but that he doesn't see his mind changing,that he's tired of the questions and having to justify everything to me. I want to beg him to stay,tell him I'm sorry I'm not getting over it fast enough. I want to live my life with this man. Having to restrain myself from texting/calling him. I miss him already.


Me:BW(42)
Him:WH(40)
Kids: Seven...yes,you read that right,and yes-we do know what causes them :)
Dday#1 1/29/2013(ONS with coworker)
Dday#2 4/8/2013(6 month LD PA with coworker,over for six months at time of discovery)
Reconciling...in all our

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: South
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you've found your way down to D/S. It sounds to me like your WH is still in the affair, and blaming everything on you. A lot of us down here have had that happen to us.

As hard as it is, you need to remove him from the equation now, and only think about what's best for you and your kids. Do a consultation with a lawyer, or several. Do not tell your WH you are doing this. Find out what you are legally entitled to in a divorce, from the attorneys. Do not let your WH dictate the terms of a divorce and child support. Make sure you get everything you are legally entitled to, especially with a special needs child.

Knowledge is power, and the more you can learn about what to expect, the better off you'll be.

You can get through this. We're here to help you. (((gettingthere2013)))


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12144 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How far out are you from DDay? It seems very early on for him to be throwing in the towel - unless of course he isn't truly remorseful, is still in the A, or lacks in the empathy dept...?

He wants a rugsweep - that much is obvious. And rugsweeps don't work!! But then neither does begging or pleading with him! Reread the 180! Gather your strength - it is there in the Mom you are! Consult with an Atty. Find out the parameters of that scary looking future, don't let it paralyze you.

The man who cut open your chest and ripped out your heart - doesn't get to tell you to stop whimpering about it! Find your anger gettingthere!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Jillo
♀ Member
Member # 23250
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you are going through this. I also tried talking my XH out of it--many times. He would tell me what I did wrong, I would promise to change and the cycle would continue.

He should be begging you for forgiveness and bending over backwards to make you feel secure in the relationship. He doesn't get to blame you for his mistakes.

I know anger is very, very hard right now. You're too busy being sad and scared. I totally get that. I can't even begin to imagine how I would have coped with 7 children.

Don't beg--I know it's hard, but I suspect that is what he wants. I remember crying to my sister, saying what about my future, etc? She replied, "What about your self-respect?" That's what did it for me.

Not a lot of advice here--I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and what you are feeling right now is perfectly normal.

(((gettingthere2013)))



Me (BS): 52 yrs. old
Him (WXH): 50 yrs. old
Married for 28 yrs.
No kids
Divorced 5/20/14


Posts: 74 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Ohio
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry your R did not work gettingthere. But this:

He says he just can't take it anymore,that I have made bad decisions,that I'm immature and unreasonable and illogical.

ummm...no. HE made bad choices, bad decisions, is immature, unreasonable and illogical. Do NOT let him turn this on you. PLEASE don't let him convince you that you are at fault.

He either a) is still in the affair and looking for a way to blame you to get out. b) done with the affair, but doesn't want to have to deal with the fallout from it, or deal with it in any way.

One way or the other, with that little speech, he's being an ass, and you can not talk him out of it. The ONLY way he MAY see the light, is do to what others are saying.

Separate your emotional feelings from your business side. It's ok to be sad, cry, rant, etc while you emotionally get through this. On the financial side, no emotions, all business.

You can't let your emotions cloud your judgement about this right now. You have 7 kids!! One is special needs! You need to start the financial part of D, with a lawyer, NOW. Protect yourself and those beautiful children. Do not tell him you are doing this. Start NC immediately.

Him seeing in black and white that you will go, and he will have to pay through the teeth for his children, PLUS make sure the lawyer puts in extra support for the SN one (meaning if there are ongoing charges each month, get those added on, or if it is unlikely this child will be able to live on their own once grown, that CS does not end at 20 or whatever..it can continue for SN.)

I know it sucks, and it isn't what you want, but you really, really need to take the emotions out of it and protect yourself right now.

(((hugs)))


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5429 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Thinkingtoomuch
♀ Member
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I agree with the others and devistated said it well.

You are 42, SEVEN children, and you're "immature, unreasonable", etc.? I think NOT. How can someone have 7 children whether by actual birth or adoption and be "immature" physically or emotionally keeping all those little lives together daily? Dear Lord. Don't listen to that stuff for one minute, and remember you weren't born yesterday and none of this is your fault!

Missing him is just part of the physical hormone attachment/addiction we get. It is something we have to get out of for our mental health.

Do that 180. Detach. Detach. Detach.

Hugs and good luck!


Try replying to his "done":

"Oh, okay. Bye!"

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 9:54 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)]


Posts: 788 | Registered: Apr 2011
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gettingthere, read and re-read devistatedmom's post, read and re-read about the 180 in the Healing Library. You have to start the 180 now, for yourself more than anything. And, hard as it is, NC - no contact except for kids and finances.

Now, with 7 kids, there will be some contact, but keep it specific to the children and the $$. "WH, DD2 needs to be picked up from practice at 7:30 this evening." "WH, DS2 has a doctor's appt at 4:00 pm. I will take him but will need you to pick up DD1 from school." And stick only to what the kid's needs are. No emotion, just the facts ma'am. BTW, it does take practice, but no time like the present to get started.

When he expects something from you beyond that, something for him, that as a spouse you would normally help him with, just remind him, or just say no, and remind yourself that he fired you from that job.

((gettingthere2013)) This is hard stuff, but you can do it, and keep posting.

[This message edited by persevere at 10:32 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)]


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4471 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
gettingthere2013
♀ Member
Member # 38232
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I stop hyperventilating as I walk through our home? Everything says "us". Right now,I seriously don't care how pathetic it makes me sound,I just want it to be ok. Even when I JFO,my husband was the one I turned to to make things better. There is literally no one to do that for me now...no sisters,no girlfriends,my mom passed away almost 8 years ago. I've texted him twice and emailed him once. I don't think I can do NC. For now,I am telling myself that as far as personal stuff,I can text him every night before I go to bed. Freak. I miss him.


Me:BW(42)
Him:WH(40)
Kids: Seven...yes,you read that right,and yes-we do know what causes them :)
Dday#1 1/29/2013(ONS with coworker)
Dday#2 4/8/2013(6 month LD PA with coworker,over for six months at time of discovery)
Reconciling...in all our

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: South
gettingthere2013
♀ Member
Member # 38232
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I couldn't get in to see my IC until this Wednesday,but I did get an appt with my primary care doctor. Quite honestly,I'm hoping for some Xanax or Valium or something to keep me from constantly crying and dry heaving/throwing up.


Me:BW(42)
Him:WH(40)
Kids: Seven...yes,you read that right,and yes-we do know what causes them :)
Dday#1 1/29/2013(ONS with coworker)
Dday#2 4/8/2013(6 month LD PA with coworker,over for six months at time of discovery)
Reconciling...in all our

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: South
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Getting there)))

I'm so sorry. I've tried to convince my WH to at least TRY to R. Others have tried. WH is steeped in his A so deeply that he is not reachable. I'm letting go. I hate it. I hate everything about it. But I can see that until I let go, I will remain stuck.

Do you belong to a church? Do they have DivorceCare or a Stephen Ministry? That would be someone to talk to. Never underestimate the kindness of strangers. Strangers can become friends.

If you've had seven children and lived to tell about it, you have what it takes INSIDE YOU ALREADY to make it through this. My guess is you do most of it anyway.

Do NOT try to get emotional support from your WH. It will leave you feeling empty, frustrated, and sad.

Consult with an attorney. Get your questions answered. Find out what you can expect in a D settlement. That may help ease your fears.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even when I JFO,my husband was the one I turned to to make things better. There is literally no one to do that for me now...no sisters,no girlfriends,my mom passed away almost 8 years ago.

That is where I was, though I did not turn to my XPOS for my emotional support. I did it by myself. He is not your friend as friends don't do what he did. Find your anger for his betrayal, put on your bitch boots, and do what you must to financially protect yourself and your children. No amount of begging or pleading is going to change his mind, and it only emboldens him further. Don't give him that kind of power over you!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right now,I seriously don't care how pathetic it makes me sound,I just want it to be ok.

If he sees you as pathetic, it will never be ok. He'll feel like he can't stand being around a weak, whiny, cloying woman. He MAY offer some sympathy, but it certainly won't come from any feelings of love or respect. It will just want to make him get away from you as fast as possible (although that may not be a bad thing.)

I understand your fear. We've all been there. We know how it feels to lose the dream of happily ever after. But you CAN and WILL survive this. There are thousands of us here who didn't think we would, but we have. You're stronger than you know.

Turn your fear into anger and action. Stop groveling after him. Show him that losing you is the biggest mistake of his life. Take charge of your life by behaving like the strong competent woman your children can be proud of.

That woman is there, sweetie. She's there inside of you. Let us all see her.


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
Topic Posts: 12

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