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User Topic: Maybe can help someone
Griefstricken25
♀ Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wrote this blog tonight and felt like posting it here, in case it encourages some other mothers of young children, who have been betrayed. Mothers who have new babies. Mothers who are pregnant. We are all here for you, even when you feel alone. (It's pretty long and incorporates my own personal faith beliefs. Take what works. Leave the rest.)

The Third Child
Tonight, I read two blogs about how parenting basically evolves from having your first child to having your third. I could relate to a lot of it, and, as it was meant to be humourous, found much of it funny, too. The whole idea of how your first child is the only child to have ever been born on the planet, which is how a mother feels when expecting her first. It is all-encompassing and amazing, and we have plans up the wazoo for how the next 18-20 years will go. I chuckled along with the second child progression and how you're just happy to have 5 minutes to yourself in the bathroom to "enjoy" your pregnancy, even if it means you're gagging or puking with morning sickness. You may or may not baby-proof. Your goal of not letting them watch TV as toddlers is out the window. With the third child, you read no magazines or books and the baby simply joins the fray and has to go along with the family life that is clearly set.

In both blogs, the writers mention their husbands. These are two quotes that stood out to me:

"You will look at your husband and be grateful for three precious gifts he has given you, and forgive him for (almost) everything else."

"Your husband hasn't taken much time off work as such, but instead rearranges everything so he can be there to do the daycare and pre-primary pickup and dropoff. He makes lunches, packs bags, plaits hair, and then heads off to work. He is utterly exhausted and falls asleep in front of the TV with the baby in his arms and two little girls by his side."

Those are lovely sentiments, and I know many, many wives and mothers who have experienced that joy. I sometimes wonder when I'll be able to read stuff like that without my past smacking me in the face or punching me in the gut. When will the healing finally cover THAT?

I don't write this to evoke sympathy for what I went through. I write it because maybe a betrayed wife or single mum will read my blog and not feel so alone. I write because the grief is still there, to a small degree, and in my world, grief should be out and not in. So, here it is. You may always choose to skip my writings if they are too melancholy. (This also, isn't expressing what those other blogs did, with the progression, but I'm using their "template" so to speak. Please allow the creative license I'm so freely taking).

The Third Child

With the third child, you have no idea how anything is going to go, because 2.5 months ago, your husband walked out the door to go live with his teenage girlfriend. You spend the last few months of your pregnancy making life as normal as possible for your two young children and trying to remain excited about this much-wanted and much-anticipated baby.

Your husband is not welcome at the birth. You have two midwives and a doula and you will do this on your own. He wants to be there, but you cannot even fathom how he can treat you with such contempt and then be any support at all during labour. Labour is about you and you need to surround yourself with love and generosity and focus on you. Your husband cries when you tell him he can't be there. You have a hard time drumming up sympathy for him. He begs you to at least call him when you go into labour.

The week before the baby is born, you realize this baby is the light in the crap-storm you've been in and you start to feel the delight that you felt in the first half of your pregnancy. The night you go into labour, you phone your husband, as you promised you would. He does not answer. You labour a little more and call him again. This time, no answer again, but you leave a message, stating that you are in labour. You wonder what the purpose of all that is. But you are in the throes of heavy labour, which have come hard and fast, and you are being supported by 3 amazing women, who care very deeply about you, and you revel in the very real presence of the Lord, who also promised to be your "husband".

After the baby is born (at home), you phone your husband and it goes to his answering machine yet again. You tell him the baby is a girl and what time she was born. He doesn't deserve this courtesy, as he is off doing who-knows-what with his phone OFF, just days after begging to be informed, and knowing the baby is due at any time.

Your husband shows up at your house 3 hours later, and without a word or even a knock, enters your bedroom. He doesn't even look at you, as he scoops up your tiny swaddled baby, who had been lying beside you, and holds her and coos at her for a little while.

He comes and goes as he pleases, showing up when it isn't convenient, but not being there when his two sons need him; when you need him. Your best friend stays the night, because your two year old still wakes at night and you cannot tend to both him and the baby. Your best friend confronts your husband and tells him that he needs to sleep at your house at night for the next little while, to help with the two year old. He reluctantly agrees but doesn't show up until he knows everyone will be in bed, and leaves before anyone is up. You still have to get up and get the older kids ready and get breakfast and tend to the newborn, and try and sleep when you can. He only stays for a couple of nights, anyway.

The days he took off work, he spends coming in and out, but not doing anything that is required or helpful. He maybe holds the baby for a minute or two and turns the TV on for the boys. He keeps leaving for hours at a time to go home to his girlfriend, who is "distraught" because of "all the time" he is spending at his wife's house with his children (and his wife, of course). You ask him why he needs to be over there. This is his "paternity leave". He tells you "this is really, really hard on HER." You resist the urge to throw something at his head.

Three days after your baby is born, it is your husband's birthday. He refuses to come back to the house any earlier, to help put the boys to bed at bedtime. He refuses to bring toiletries with him, so he can shower in the morning before work at your house, and at least get breakfast for the boys. You get so angry at his refusals that you punch him, very hard, in his back, as you leave the room, sobbing. He storms out. You know you were wrong to do it. You call your best friend and ask her to come over. You know, in your heart, you must apologize for physically lashing out. You call his phone. He is out for his birthday celebration. You can hear loud music and voices in the background. You apologize for hitting him. You also apologize later, for calling his girlfriend a skank. You apologize. He never apologizes. For anything.

You take care of your boys. You take care of your baby. Your friends step up in amazing ways. You watch him take all of his personal items and papers out of the house, signifying he is never coming back. He will not tell you he is not coming back. You have to actually ask him if he's done with the marriage. He won't look you in the eye when he cowardly confirms that he is.

You get strong. You apply for your daughter's Canadian citizenship. You apply for her passport. You make plans to go home to your family. You can and will be everything your children need in a parent. You count on God every second. He truly is your Husband as you experience unfathomable peace. He causes everything to fall into place in ways that are foreign to your life. He orchestrates every step and your Husband brings you out of your adopted country and back home to your birth country (OH, the scriptures related to THAT are astounding and numerous and comfort you again and again). He is with you every second of the 24 hour journey (18 hours on airplanes) with three children, by yourself.

He is with you always. He is your Husband. You leave behind a most selfish, hollow, callous man. But you are with the Husband who loves and cherishes you beyond measure. You are a proud mother of three children. You cannot do it all, but through Christ, you can do everything.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2514 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Griefstricken....

Wow...
I had two babies while being cheated on and I can relate (and recall a lot of bullshit on XWH's part), but I wanted to say that your post moved me.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6443 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You resist the urge to throw something at his head.

You are a stronger woman than I

(((hugs)))

You blog was very moving


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17632 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
scarednbroken
♀ Member
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((griefstricken))))

I feel so much for you. I hope you have found peace and happiness. If not now, very soon. You are way stronger than I am. I could not leave my WH when I found out when I was pregnant. It has taken me 13 (almost 14) years after the birth of my last child to get the courage to stand up for myself. I have lived with his infidelity and false contrition for so long.

Your story gives me the courage to really forge on and make a life for my children and I.

you are amazing!!


BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Griefstricken,

I woke up crying today. The first full day after the mailman served H with the divorce papers. Crying because all night I had dream after dream of all the things I've wanted to scream at H for the last 2 years coming out. Dreams of him and women. Then he had the gall to walk in my room (which is off limits unless I ask for help since I found out "the one" the dream of his life he was getting over wasn't the one, just I wasn't the one). I started crying even harder. My son isn't home, he's on a sleepover with friends so its so nice to be able to let out my feelings.

Stbxh is still in my home. I wish he weren't. We rent, he's on the lease. It is easier if I just go. I want to go anyway. I want out of this town and out of this county. I want almost nothing from the house.

I am pregnant with a little girl due in June.

I have been beating myself up that *I* am choosing to destroy my family and hope that God forgives me but I just can't endure this any more.

I don't have to get passports. The baby isn't here yet. I have an hour trip west to be "home".

I'm working on finding work there and finding a place so I don't have to burden my family when I get there. I'm trying to stretch the enduring here until my son's sports seasons are over. If I snap I can go and drive him the hour back if need be.

Your post is making me cry harder and harder.

Love to you. I hope you find peace and happiness. I'll be thinking of you and your children and sending you prayers.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Griefstricken, your blog post was very touching and beautifully written, and I'm so impressed by your strength, and glad you moved your children home.
((Hugs))

And ((Jennifer99)) thinking about you too. You have to do what's best for you and your children now.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4516 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Griefstricken25
♀ Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Jennifer99))))

I remember those awful nights full of tears and the physical grief. I have healed a LOT. Only small triggers in my life now. Moving with my children was the best thing I ever did. You and your son and that precious girl are going to be okay. Much love to you.

[This message edited by Griefstricken25 at 9:29 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)]


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2514 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
Chippednotbroken
♀ Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out about the affair shortly after giving birth to my 3rd. He never attended a doctors appointment and wasn't at the hospital when I had her, with an epidural because I went to fast. Funny that I found this post today as I have finally let myself remember some of the awful things he did to my when pregnant with all three including cheating. She is 8 months now and I've been on my own with all three for three months now. It gets easier although, some days - today- I regress and start regretting my choices but they are little lights in my life I just have to remember to see them and not the things that happened. Stay strong we are all more than mothers but we are great mothers.


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
Nomorestrength
♀ New Member
Member # 42257
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I needed to read this today. To see an example of your strength and that you are clearly better off now.

Jennifer99, I'm due with my first baby (girl) in June as well. I know exactly how you are feeling about destroying a family for the baby. My WH likes to make me feel like I'm throwing it away by talking to an attorney, even though he still sees AP daily.

As much as I want my baby to have a father in her daily life, the heartache he puts me through with the constant lies is not worth it. I will be a better, healthier mother without the toxic environment.

Maybe if I keep telling you, I'll believe when it when he tries to pull me back in with more manipulation.


Posts: 44 | Registered: Jan 2014
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NoMore - hang in there.

The manipulation went into full force today. What really sucks is I can't be unemotional and he's cool as can be and it makes me feel crazy but I know what I am feeling is normal and holding it in just makes me feel like poo.

I can tell from the way he is talking he is trying to manipulate me but I'm so fuzzy headed today from such a bad night (and I haven't eaten bc my stomach hurts) that I can't figure out exactly how or what he is trying to manipulate me into/out of.

My next home will always have locks on doors I finally told him I needed to get some school work done and to leave me alone or I would go study elsewhere.

He is so much more diabolical than I can ever hope to be I just don't know which way is up. All the more reason to GTHO soon but I'm hoping once ds is home from his friends' that a more "normal" will take back over and I can make it through March.

I wish I could record the things he says to me and run it through an SI filter. I just feel too mentally beat up to be able to do it myself.

I didn't just keep telling myself this is just a reaction of his to being served and I will be a healthier better mom without this mess I kept telling HIM that today too. I honestly couldn't figure out any "safe" responses to some of the things he was saying and asking so I just sounded like a robot saying "you're just finally facing reality since the papers came - I have to do this, I will be a healthier better mom without all this - maybe you will be a healthier better dad too...."

He's sleeping. I'm gonna nap not study.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 10

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