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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He's the one who cheated, why is he so nasty?
Smashedat58
♀ Member
Member # 41705
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have been separated for 2 months, now. I am seeking a divorce using a collaborative approach. He, the WS, has been dragging his feet and really slowing everything down. I want him out of my life, now. Everytime he comes to get something from our house, it makes me feel sick. My blood pressure goes up. Sorry, I digress, but he acts like I've done something awful by making him move out and trying to divorce him, and says mean things to me. I'm hoping his relationship with OW is going to hell. He doesn't deserve to be happy, and he certainly didn't deserve me.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Upstate New York
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They have to blame it on you in order to justify the unjustifiable, excuse the inexcusable and generally in order to live with what they have done.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1763 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately this is pretty common.

I too was shocked at the venom in S/D. I've learned that he needs to demonise me in order to not top himself over what he has done/is doing. He is so convinced that it is all my fault that he will never acknowledge let alone fix WTFever is wrong with him.

Hating someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Leave him to drink his poison.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5580 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
keptmyword
♂ Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was in his bullshit fantasy fairy-tale love fest and you came along and popped that bubble.

You placed him back into the reality of himself that he was running away from because it's so easier than trying to fix his deep-seeded issues.

You are a reminder to him that you kept your vows and your integrity. He is the piece of shit that shit all over his vows and will never have integrity again. Ever.

You are the person he has demonized and vilified in his mind for quite some time so he could build up mental justification for doing something that he would never have wanted you to do to him.

You want to go through an actual divorce and all the paperwork and bureaucracy that it entails. In his mind, he had already given himself a mental quickie-divorce so as to give himself permission to have sex with other people - he just didn't tell you.

Yeah, I got, get and will get the same shit from the adulterous piece of shit that I divorced. It was always my fault and/or the marriage that caused everything.

Her seeing me is just a reminder to herself of what a pathetic, weak-minded, selfish asshole she really is instead of the sexy princess rescued by the knight-in-shining-armor who fucks married mothers. She's forced to be who she really is around me - I make sure of that.

And if there is one thing she despises more than anything else in this world, it's who she really is.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 12:40 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)]


I Divorced Her.

Posts: 362 | Registered: May 2012
BAB61
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup to all the above ... sad, pathetic broken people are like injured wild animals - gnashing of teeth and indiscriminate blame-shifting....


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry he is doing this, but he might have been like that anyway, Smashedat58.

Xpos is the one who filed on DDay before admitting to me that he had been going to motels with strange women and was leaving to live with one. Filing first was also to keep me from filing on the grounds of adultery. He just walked in, said he had just seen a L to file for D and was leaving.

That was over 2.5 years ago. The D was final almost 2 years ago and to this day he has not stopped doing things to me. When we are forced to share the same space, he calls me names and says I am a bigger liar than he is. Until I changed my cell number and email, he sent me constant harassing and threatening texts and emails. I did not respond to them, even the email that said that I should at least give him the courtesy of a response.

He has sued me twice in the last 2 years, asking the judge to force me to give him money. Both times the answer was, "No". One of those times, my L gave him a document in open court that he was ordered to sign 6 months before. He couldn't refuse to do it in front of the judge who had ordered it! And right now, he and his L are in contempt of court again for the money he owes me.

He took months to do things the court ordered and played games with auto insurance that forced me to pay much more than I should have. He had told me he would make it cost me as much as he possibly could; that he would see me put out of the house with nothing. I now live in that house while he and his slut/w live in a trailer in a senior trailer park.

I'm one who wishes the ex would drop off the face of the earth (die). Until that happens, none of that will stop.

Edited to finish what my tablet wouldn't allow.

[This message edited by thebighurt at 12:54 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)]


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2337 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
Pippy
♀ Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a guilt thing. The standard action is to demonize the betrayed spouse and rewrite the marital history to say it was never happy. They all do it. There are many articles online about it, all saying the same thing.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I know! It is crazy isn't it! It isn't their ACTIONS it is our REACTION that is the problem.

Mine cheated for 1.5 years, lied daily, had a whole secret life, lied about his job, lied about his ability to help out with house and kids, lied about his morals, values and future plans, lied about our money situation. Brought his OW to meet me under the guise of some bullshit story about it being his friends wife, so she could get in the house and take a look around and size me up. Introduced Ho to my kids...had her in my house while I was on vacation, took her on vacations. He plotted and planned a separate life, and when he tried to finally tell me...chickened out and pretended he didn't have any plan in place at all, told people that I ended things with him, pretended he didn't already have a lawyer, swore he wasn't going to file right away, then filed anyway. A real piece of work/shit.

But, mention any of that and he says "you locked me out of the house" and "you took more than half our money out of the checking account" and this one is the best...."You were the boss."

I am apparently a vindictive bitch who just wants to destroy him for making a "mistake." He believes I am poisoning the children against him, and that I am dragging my feet in the divorce. He says I am too angry and just need to move on, cause you know, we were never happy. He is so detached emotionally. His eyes are dead, lizard like.

He told me he wouldn't wish something like this on his worst enemy....but ummmm...you have made me your enemy and have launched an attack. Now your mad that I am defending myself???


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yea he's saying there is something wrong with you for expecting an honest and faithful husband. Now you know what OW has to look forward to.

Nobody with a brain buys his bullshit. Think of him like a spoiled child throwing a fit for not getting his way.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1762 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Broken69
♀ New Member
Member # 42606
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is exactly what I am going through. It is even more painful. I should be one one with the attitude not him...mine is threatening that he can force me to take my maiden name back...um hello u are the one who cheated on me...

Posts: 26 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: NY
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Echoing what someone else already said, this is so common in infidelity divorces unfortunately.

Posts: 4703 | Registered: Dec 2009
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't deserve to be happy, and he certainly didn't deserve me.

Sometimes I think this is my mantra. It's not the healthiest one I guess--it should be focused on me. But when I think of him with fondness, I have to remember this.

I'm sorry he's making things so hard.


(((((Smashed)))))

You will make it to the other side.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4190 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Elaine2012
♀ Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As others have said pretty typical behavior. This is now a business deal that needs to be finalized. If he is dragging his feet prepare yourself for a long journey to the end. Then if it moves along faster you can be glad. Mine was in a big hurry to get the D started then then didn't respond to anything. I ended up filing with the court to move things. It's still taken almost 2 years to be done. Still not there quite there yet. It will happen.

Also NC is a must. Keep him out of the house. If he needs something have it ready and waiting for him.

(((Smashedat58)))


Me- 53
WH- 57
Divorced - May 22, 2014
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 35 years
4 adult DD's, 2 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2012
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j @Broken69
mine is threatening that he can force me to take my maiden name back.

Ignore. It is totally your decision and he has no say about it. He cannot force you to do this.

end t/j


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8038 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also NC is a must. Keep him out of the house.

^^^^ this ^^^^. It made our lives better when I told my children our property line and our home was our place of no drama. It is our sanctuary from the whole world -- including their Dad's nasty behavior.

I read a book recently -- A Deadly Game -- It's the Scott Peterson story. Once I read that book I saw how a person like Scott and my XWH can just pull themselves out of the life they have and slip into another whole life. It really gave me a birds eye view into how my XWH thinks/behaves. I never kept up with the case at the time. It actually helped me NOT internalize all the nasty words/actions from my XWH and his OW. It made me VERY happy to be NC with him and her.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2149 | Registered: Jan 2012
scarednbroken
♀ Member
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm right there with ya. Add in the "pity party" I have to read daily in txt and you get a complete picture. :(

I finally told him that if he does one of two things - attacks me (verbally or emotionally) or goes on a woe is me stint, I will not respond. It is too much for me to handle along with the financial strain and the kids needing me.


BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XH whined & pissed & moaned about it for close to a year before anything happened. That was solely b/c OW was laying on heavy pressure. XH filed to appease the hog.

In our state, a contested D takes a minimum of 2 years. I told him to tell OW to enjoy the 2 year wait, b/c there was NO fucking way it was gonna be quick. Long story short, it took close to 4 years to actually get D'd, and the last 18 months, I'd been trying to push it along. XH was content to stay in limbo.

I think sometimes they SAY they want a D, when what they really want is lots and lots of cake. They say the magic words that makes the BS back off and appease the OW. When confronted w/a BS that refuses to take their shit anymore, they get rabid. The more they lose control, the more vicious they become.

t/j

mine is threatening that he can force me to take my maiden name back.

Mine pulled this bullshit, too. Fuck him, I kept his name b/c I wanted to. If OW ever becomes Mrs. V, she can be the 3rd (behind MiL & me)./t/j

He doesn't deserve to be happy, and he certainly didn't deserve me.

No, and you certainly don't deserve the likes of him. (((Sa58)))

eta: quotes were a bit wonky

[This message edited by Vulcanized at 2:51 AM, April 11th (Friday)]


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 756 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Klove
♀ Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are a reminder to him that you kept your vows and your integrity.

When I complain to my mother about how ANGRY stbxwh can be with me she cites ^^^^THIS...

stbxwh has tried to demonize my family- who have loved him even through his A and told him when I wanted to reconcile that they forgave him. He has slammed every single thing my family has done wrong- meanwhile he has a doormat mom who remarried the biggest redneck going for his millions, an alcoholic mom and stepdad who you can't even call around 4 pm-on because they are slurring, a step sister who was married to a coke addict and has since been disowned from the family...need I go on? My FOO has faults- but they aren't a fucking Jerry Springer episode.

My Mom thinks that I am a constant reminder to him of someone who has integrity and confidence and loyalty and committment. Like a vampire in the light, he can't stand to be next to me because it makes him feel so awful.

I'm not perfect. I fit the codependent description to a T and attempted to be controlling all over the place in my M. This is something I'm working on...

I just find the rollercoaster of one minute furious and cutting and angry and agressive to another minute of being "really sad about all this" with a breaking voice just...hard to take.
And pathetic.


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
Smashedat58
♀ Member
Member # 41705
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boy, this must be a common theme. I'm just going to grow thicker skin, and some sharper claws to deal with this Giant Donkey.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Upstate New York
ideservebetter45
♀ Member
Member # 36951
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow I needed this thread.My ex is so nasty to me and treats me like im the one who cheated

Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: ideservebetter45
Topic Posts: 25
Pages: 1 · 2

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