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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How to find and get human contact
PaperRing
♀ Member
Member # 19538
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been doing OK all things considered by suppressing certain feelings and thoughts about my ws that I know would lead me down a rabbit hole of despair and self pity. I tell myself that I've cried enough already so many times, why should I repeat the ritual when nothing good will result?

But I'm afraid my approach to get thru this separation/divorce could be as bad as it could be good. On the one hand, I'm throwing myself head first into self improvement. But on the other, I also find myself yearning for human contact and looking at and getting chat requests from random sleezebags on popular singles dating sites. I don't know that they are really sleezebags because I haven't talked to any of them yet, but I have (unfortunately) associated such sites with the ones ws used to find stripperwhores to screw around with.

It makes me sick, but I'm entertaining the idea of just doing it despite the feeling sick about it. And now I wonder if I'm doing this all wrong. I mean, I have never had to survive a separation after 12 years of marriage before. I have no social life to speak of and whatever mutual friends we had are more his than mine. Even the kids friends' single moms are. This situation is tempting me to go out meet complete strangers just so that can have a social life too and not feel so alone.

Am I doing it wrong, or should I stop thinking so much and just go have some fun?


me- BS
Him - WS
2 kids- 5 and 8

Posts: 53 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Hell
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, you are doing this wrong. Completely wrong. Unless you want to become a cliché trainwreck, of course.

I think you need to do MORE thinking, not less. MORE feeling of your pain, not less. What are you hiding from?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't had to do it yet , but I'm going out on a limb and say you are doing it wrong.

What do you like to do? Find a group or a club, church, library, book club, ski club...whatever it is you like to do. Meet people there.

Get off the damn dating websites. No. Don't go there. Delete yourself from existence there.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
scarednbroken
♀ Member
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. dating sites are not the route to go. Even the ones that say they end in marriage...etc...happy endings? How well can you really know someone.

It sounds like you need some internal healing too. Desperation finds desperation. You have to remove yourself from the toxic thoughts just as you removed yourself from the toxic marriage.

Look around yourself. Even the friends who are more his than yours...(I am in the same situ) may be open to having girls nights out. Host a jewelry party, a wine tasting, or other interest. AND HAVE FUN. Don't try looking for romance.

((PaperRing)))


BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to make you feel like you're getting clobbered, but yeah, I also think you're doing it wrong. And you know it, otherwise you wouldn't be asking. You'd just go out and do it.

And if it's already making you sick just thinking about it, how are you going to feel when you do the walk of shame after some random encounter with a stranger? Seriously, how in the hell is that fun? And if that's not what you mean by human contact, I apologize for overstepping.

If you need to get out of the house, find some hobbies and join some meetup.com groups. Volunteer. Go exercise. You need to be doing things that make you feel better about yourself, not trying to get approval from us for something that will make you feel worse.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12166 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
PaperRing
♀ Member
Member # 19538
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I was hoping someone would tell me how it is. I do feel desperate. I want to stop feeling lonely when I know that ws is having fun. I want to feel sexually desirable again too but I guess acting like a street whore isn't going to do the trick. I mean, it isn't like it's required that you have a 5th grade education or a full set of teeth to be one.

Meetup.com was down today or I would have looked there. Unfortunately, my experience with those meetups in the past weren't the best either. While enthusiastically looking forward to going to one of the meetups 4 years ago, I found out my husband had been screwing one of the members.

[This message edited by PaperRing at 9:40 PM, March 1st (Saturday)]


me- BS
Him - WS
2 kids- 5 and 8

Posts: 53 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Hell
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try meetup.com They have LOTS of different groups. Or join a book club. If you are involved in the church, then join one of their groups like choir or bible study. Or look for opportunities to volunteer. Or take a class. Many community colleges have adult learning classes in a variety of subjects. Most cities have stores that offer cooking classes or home improvement classes. Join a gym or a running club or a hiking club.

Think about what your interests are, and then try to find a group activity that involves one of those interests.

Whatever you do, do not do this

looking at and getting chat requests from random sleezebags on popular singles dating sites

Just the fact that you say "sleezebag" in that sentence tells me that you would be debasing yourself by doing that. When you are redy to date, then do it. Until then, try to find companionship in a safe group environment.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17687 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
PaperRing
♀ Member
Member # 19538
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature_Girl, I'm hiding from that voice in my head that might eventually trick me into thinking its possible reconcile this one-way marriage. One day my kids will know the truth about this marriage and why it failed Will they learn that daddy didn't love mommy so mommy kicked daddy out and started a new life? (Just like daddy's own mom did?) Or will they learn that daddy didn't love mommy so mommy kept trying because she was so pitiful and deluded in thinking she could change daddy?

My negative emotions have the potential to go so far into the red that I'm afraid to let it. There was a time I was suicidal years ago, but the thought pattern is still there. This is why I'm considering going to a therapist as a precaution, but not to reconcile this marriage. And I'm considering going to see the therapist ws wanted us to go see together. ....another decision I'm not sure is good or bad.

[This message edited by PaperRing at 10:12 PM, March 1st (Saturday)]


me- BS
Him - WS
2 kids- 5 and 8

Posts: 53 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Hell
seekingright2013
♀ Member
Member # 37991
Default  Posted: 5:11 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Paper Ring))))

I feel the same way, if that's any consolation.

I love your idea of individual counseling. You might have to try a couple of therapists to find the right one. I did a solid 10 months of therapy after my DDay and recently started back for some tune up sessions. Truly one of the best things I did for myself.

Also as your self improvement starts to pay off, you will start feeling better about yourself and your life. SO great that you are investing in YOU. Such a cliche, but time is a great healer.

(((Paper Ring)))


BSO, 53
exWSO, who cares
DD: 11/18/12
DD2: 11/21/12
Kicked him to the curb 11/21/12
“I tramp a perpetual journey.”
― Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

Posts: 119 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Red State SE US
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will they learn that daddy didn't love mommy so mommy kicked daddy out and started a new life?

So what if they do? It reflects badly on daddy, not you.

Definitely do the IC. When the suicidal thoughts pop in your head (btdt myself) just remind yourself you don't have time for that crap, you have kids to take care of.

If you are like me, your marriage and kids consumed your whole self, or nearly your whole self. And you liked it that way.

In the beginning I'm going to invest my newfound "extra" time on myself. Maybe even just taking a nap or going to bed early. I need to be happy, content, and HEALED...all on my own...before I think about anything other than friendship with anyone else. I'm going to address the loneliness by spending time with my friends and family. Dinner, coffee, art play date, whatever.

We will get through this. We will not make the same mistakes that got us here. (Codependency for me) SI will provide gentle, or not so gentle 2x4s when necessary to attempt to keep us from compromising our integrity and self worth along the way.

(((Hugs)))


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Paper Ring))))

I am in a new city and looking for friends. Not dating- needing human contact also.

I found a meetup group of single ladies over 45. They have varied interests, and the events reflect that. They also do a service project once a month. In december I volunteered at the Humane Society. I liked it so much, I'm going back on my own.

It's not human touch, but it fills the love void and that taking care of someone. I have 4 kids, I was used to meeting the needs of 5 people. I felt the void when he left. My kids are grown and in college are just starting lives after college and I'm feeling the same void. I wish I had discovered volunteering at the Humane Society back then.... I really think it would have helped my healing. You can't help but feel the love!

Hugs,

K

For Human contact, I schedule a deep tissue massage. It's relaxing enough that I'm too relaxed for anything else.

More hugs.

[This message edited by Kajem at 6:52 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5270 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's normal to want to avoid your feelings... no one likes pain. But unfortunately for what you're faced with now, like all of us here, the only way out is through. You have to feel it, think it, embrace it, "lean into it", as I've seen other members say. Seriously, that is the only way to get out on the other side.

Don't do the dating websites right now. Maybe never, but definitely not now. Physical confusion and guilt is only going to compound everything else your trying to deal with right now. You don't need sex, you need connection.

As others have said, seek out people who share interests with you. Meetups, volunteering, group classes as the gym. Make new friends and lean on the support of old friends. Fill up your days with activity that is centered on you and things you like to do.

For physical connection, get a massage or a pedicure. Take ballroom or salsa lessons. Have lunch with your friend whose "a hugger".


Hang in there. Keep posting here. You're going to be okay.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 915 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWIW, I have been in counseling since June 2011. Back then it was 2x a week. Eventually went to 1x a week. Late last year, 2013, is when I finally felt strong enough to go several weeks between visits. I now am at every other month.

I also attend family counseling with my children. We/They have been seeing a counselor since Feb 2012. We now see the counselor every other week, but that's a recent change.

My point in sharing this with you is to let you see an example of the kind of work some of us go through in order to become better people. No doubt I could have gone the easy route and started spreading my legs for men, just to dull the inner pain & agony I felt. But what would that have done for me other than compound my pain, agony and destruction?

No. I don't want to keep on getting what I've been getting all my life. I want something better for myself, so I'm doing things differently. I won't be a party to my own destruction.

Don't be afraid of counseling. Find one on your own. Stand on your own two feet. You can do it!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
PaperRing
♀ Member
Member # 19538
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're right. If I did start hanging out with these losers, I'd just be getting more of the same compassion-less interactions with men and I'd come away feeling as empty as I felt before doing it. I wouldn't mind talking to other people going thru the same things as me online or in person. But I might also want to avoid the painful topic altogether and just have some good fun with good people who have no clue what I'm going thru too.

I didn't mean that I don't want my kids to know the truth. One day. I will tell them the truth. But do I want the truth to be one where mommy was strong, or where mommy was weak? I think I choose the former.

One of the things I'm working on doing is clean up my house and all the neglected things around me. I think the neglect goes deeper than I thought I understood before. The marriage, the house, the laundry, all of it was neglected by *both* of us, not just me. I think I need to stop getting blamed for all of it. So now I'm not just cleaning up what *I* neglected! but also everything he neglected as well, including me.


me- BS
Him - WS
2 kids- 5 and 8

Posts: 53 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Hell
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just joined that divorce care group that they hold through many of the churches. It is a support group. Maybe you could try that? Meet others in the same boat. It is okay, some good content to help with healing.

They said one of the biggest obstacles to healing are getting involved with someone too soon, before you are ready. It would just be a distraction to not feel the pain and it would come back later anyway.

I have thought about dating at times too, but I know I am not ready. I just want attention, to feel attractive. I would be a nightmare to date, I would be a red hot mess. A few months ago I got drunk and kissed someone at least 15 years younger than me one night at a bar, and my friend said to me "That is not your brand, this is not who you are. We are leaving..." Thank GOD she pulled me out of there. Even though I felt like an ASS the next day, at least it was only a kiss and nothing else...

Good luck!


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the things I'm working on doing is clean up my house and all the neglected things around me. I think the neglect goes deeper than I thought I understood before. The marriage, the house, the laundry, all of it was neglected by *both* of us, not just me. I think I need to stop getting blamed for all of it. So now I'm not just cleaning up what *I* neglected! but also everything he neglected as well, including me.

This is brilliant. I'm going through something similar.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Lost15
♀ Member
Member # 40898
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also starting going to a DivorceCare group. It has helped a lot to be around others who are going through or have gone through the same thing. What you are feeling is normal, I have been there many times, kind of feel that way today. Hang in there it will get better.


me(BS)-34 him(WS)-32 DS-15
Married 15 years
Blindsided with divorce 07-12-13
DD-08-1-13 OW-40ish,married 20 yrs, with 4 kids she abandoned
Divorcing and trying to move one tiny step forward at a time.

Posts: 114 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 17

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