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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Beep, beep, beep - It's All Gone Downhill Fast
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 2:37 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jemi, there comes a time when you must sever all ties with a toxic person. And I for one am very proud that you did just that. Your friend was absolutely correct that his behaviors are abusive. From what you have posted this guys is very P/A. There is a scene in the movie "Shawshank Redemption" where one character explains to another about being "institutionalized" As its a movie set in prison that pertains to people who have been locked up so long they know nothing else but prison life. I feel that train of thought applies to many of us BS as well. We are "WS-tionalized"

Its a natural byproduct of being with someone for so long we tend to be programed to behave in certain ways when dealing with them. And it often spills over into our post D lives. Like it or not, when you were with him he trained you to behave a certain way when dealing with his P/A ass. Usually that entails being submissive to a point that it affects your current situation. This phenomenon if not corrected can last a lifetime. I've see it happen many times with people who are/were in abusive relationships. They finally get up the courage to leave the abuser only to end up with another one down the road. And it usually happens more to women. Speaking as a man I cant count how many times I'll be with the guys and a good woman walk by or comes into the conversation somehow. It almost always turns to the question of "Why is she with that asshole" when there are single men out there (usually followed by ourselves)who would treat her good ? And if you have the pleasure of actually knowing the person who know that their romantic history has been filled by abusive assholes. Its the same premise because that's all the person knows. As creatures of habit we tend to fall into our daily roles in life. Now those roles can be assertive, submissive or collusive. It depends on the person and how they have been raised to deal with others. They most certainly come from how we were raised and FOO issues.

So if you take a grown person who tends to be submissive its very hard to get them to be more assertive. Myself for example I was a very assertive man who became submissive to my XWW during our M. It took me a lot of I/C and personal introspection to admit that and learn how to stand up for myself wen dealing with her. She almost always got her way, even if it was through deception and lies. I too got the "I'm sorry" bullshit only to have to deal with the same treatment the next time something came up. It took me years to stop being like that and stand up for myself. Actually this started to happen after her A, but did not totally take hold till well after the D. I think your kind of in that same spot I was in. But its good that you have gotten to the point where you realize this and have taken steps to correct it. Its going to take a bit more time to recover 100% but it will come. I have learned that keeping communication to the bare minimum is very helpful. It gives you time to get stronger and it does not give them the opportunity to influence you.

Your going to get there my friend. Just stick to what you are doing and things will get better. Separating your business connections is just the first in a series of many other things you will change. But the good news is that your finally on your way to total healing. And as for your XWH, well he is just going to have to learn to live with his choices in life. Guys like him are nothing but bullies in the true sense. He will try to intimidate you into doing what he wants you to do. When that fails he will try and manipulate you with the poor me bullshit. Its noting more than a power dynamic at work here. He wants to hold power over you in any way he can. And you are starting to take that power back and that alone is killing him. But you need to get to the point of "FUCK THAT GUY" when that happens you will be free of his games forever. Best of luck to you.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5558 | Registered: Nov 2007
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you to everyone who has posted support and thank you Stronger08 for taking the time to post a spot-on analysis of my situation.

He is passive-aggressive. He did bully me into making decisions that I did not want to do. My part is that I gave in.

When he fired me as his office manager and said he would no longer help me with my business, my first reaction was stomach-churning fear. It was one of those, "Oh hell, what is going to happen, I will not survive," moments. That is my gut reaction.

But, soon after, all the SI ground rules kicked in. This is not how I am programmed. I just knew in my head, but didn't yet feel in my heart, that I could not be a hostage. I had to physically remove his business papers and all his remaining possessions to protect myself from being sucked back in. And I have read on here so many times that the actions are far more important than the words. It was after he found those items that he ramped up the pressure.

I told my friend a lot yesterday. When you see the reaction of other people's faces it is a wake-up call. These abusive relationships thrive on secrecy. Shortly after D Day I told my friend how much money I had given my WH during the marriage. She was literally open-mouthed with astonishment. I saw that reaction and, more than anything she said, that made me realize that this was not normal.

I think the next thing the ex will pull is, "Well, if I don't have any money I can't pay child support."

He has resisted getting a job ever. It is always the lure of driving around, being the boss, being the big-shot business owner, regardless of whether this actually made enough money to support his family. The public persona was always more important than the reality. He never provided for us. And that did not seem to matter to him at all.

More pieces of the puzzle have begun to fall into place. I always wondered how he could watch my distress at the lack of sexual intimacy in our marriage, promise to "work on it" and then go off to sleep with OW. The simple answer is he simply didn't care. His wants were always, in every aspect, more important than my needs. Similarly, he agreed to divorce rather than do the work necessary for reconciliation. Again, his wants namely porn and casual hook-ups, were more important than his family's needs.

I am beginning to see these affairs as in some strange way a gift, as the behavior that finally made me aware of the truth of my marriage, of the core selfishness of my husband and the necessity of leaving.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a huge step you have taken in your life.

Bravo girl.....bravo.


k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6453 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is awesome! So proud of you!

No matter what, do not answer him. He will pull out every trick he has. Get mad at him if you start feeling guilty. Hold him to this, it's huge.

Don't worry about what he might try to pull in the future. He has legal agreements he has to follow. You have steps you can take if that happens.

He didn't want a divorce?

You know he is going to f up his business entirely. What an idiot.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson


Posts: 725 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Oftencheatedon
♀ Member
Member # 41268
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first ex would do awful things (cheat with a friend). I'd get furious and do something in anger that I then regretted (nothing too horrible).

He would then turn it around on me and I'd feel guilty for my misdeeds. One time I stormed out after throwing something at him in front of people. Yes that was very wrong of me.

I left town for an assignment. I just figured we were DONE. We'd fought like cats and dogs for 3 years.

After a couple of weeks he called to tell me how horrible I was. My response was - yeah so go away. More calls. More ignoring. Then I'd get letters. Started out calling me names but after a couple of months he was begging me to come back.

The stupidest thing I ever did was take him back. He never really changed and it was over a couple of years later. He married the OW but continued to haunt me.

But I learned a HUGE lesson. If someone who has wronged you wants to tell you how awful YOU are - no matter even if you are - just agree with them and tell them to be glad you are GONE.


Posts: 103 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: AL
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you!! You took all the right steps to get his toxicity out of your life.

0/\0

^that's my high-five emoticon:)


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4554 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Freeme
♀ Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You ROCK! Should be so proud of yourself.

So it took you 24 hours to replace him for your company. Let's see how long it takes him to replace you. All you did (his words not mine) is sit on your butt and answer phones.

He said that last week, this week he fires you, and you replace him, and he begs you to come back.

Really proud of you and know you will do fine.


Posts: 202 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
Smashedat58
♀ Member
Member # 41705
Wink  Posted: 4:54 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is so true. NC = healing. I am so much better when WH is out of town. While in town, he visits his mother, who lives next door;comes to get mail and stuff he needs; and every time, I feel panic starting up. I finally told him that if he wants something call and leave a polite message and I'll leave it with his mother or outside; and I told him that I have blocked him from my email. He has been out of town for two weeks and it's bliss.

You will feel so much better, when he's not around or threatening to come by, and you will find out that you have all of the tools you need to not only survive, but feel happiness, again. Good luck to you!


Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Upstate New York
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What did your attorney say about the mortgage? I know that your divorce is final from your tagline.

What would it take for you to get a mortgage so he can be taken off it? I don't know much about Quick Claim but is it a possibility for that to be done?

Unless it is about children and finances, you have no reason to talk to him. If he brings anything else up, read up on the 180 and stick to it.


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe him still being on the mortgage only means he's financially responsible for it if she doesn't pay. I don't see any advantage for her to get him off the mortgage. He doesn't get a say in the house stuff. He's only liable. He can go kick dirt.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson


Posts: 725 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mousse, The legal agreement provides for him to stay on the mortgage because I don't want to refi. All that was factored in. If I had to refi, he wouldn't have got so much cash. I pay the mortgage and I always will. If I relied on him to house us, I would be in foreclosure. So that ship has sailed.

Just now he has texted me asking for some money that I allegedly owe him. It is absolute bs. He has NEVER even mentioned this money before. If he wanted to claim that, he should have asked for it in the divorce. It seems like he has a new strategy of inventing debts.

Wow, he is really showing his true colors. I admit I am pretty stunned, despite being married to him for 10 years. Either he put in a good show or I was blind, not sure which.

Yes, he always played down what I did in his business. I set up the whole structure. Everything from his logo to the legal side to ordering the stationary. Every single letter or document was written by me. Yet when he got his business in the divorce, he made a big deal of how little I had contributed. I could have taken half of that business value.

I also found out today that a repair that he said he had carried out he did not do. He never went back at all. He flat out lied to me and said it had all "been taken care of."

So what was his future work worth anyway? As time goes on, and he got more bitter and twisted, he would most likely have just done the minimum or screwed it up for the hell of it. A lot of his passive aggressive issues would have come into play.


But I learned a HUGE lesson. If someone who has wronged you wants to tell you how awful YOU are - no matter even if you are - just agree with them and tell them to be glad you are GONE.

Oh yes. I controlled him and every aspect of our lives, apparently. So he must be so happy to be free and single!

You guys are the best. I could not do this without SI. It is a how-to guide for surviving and thriving.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To clarify, the house is in my sole name now. He has no rights over the house.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 32
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