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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Beep, beep, beep - It's All Gone Downhill Fast
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a couple of days.

Deep breath.

I've been posting about my ex and the 3 months it has taken him to be broke after the nice check/house I gave him in the divorce.

So, he has his business and I have mine. I have carried on doing his paperwork and he has done practical/maintenance stuff for me.

On the surface this is a sensible arrangement: it's quick, no learning curve and it saves us both money. But it is enmeshed and people have said to me that it would not last... I just haven't wanted to deal with it. And there is a part of me that has held on to the communication.

So, over the last two weeks Mr. Mold has been increasingly nasty. Lots of anger, sniping comments about getting a bad deal in the divorce, dirty looks, slammed doors, lots of "poor me's", how he can't afford cataract surgery, how my life is just drinking coffee, how I don't have to do anything, how he is stressed and I live in a world of candyfloss etc etc. Can I just say I work really hard and deal with a lot of clients/stress and keep all the balls in the air.

I didn't realize how much I had been treading on eggshells. Then I emailed him to ask permission under our shared parenting plan to take DD7 to Florida for 4 nights in June staying in a suite at the Four Seasons. No, correction, staying in basic room at the Holiday Inn.

He emailed me back saying, "That's fine. You run your business, I'll run mine." I honestly was confused so I called him and he went crazy on the phone, yelling that he was broke and I could afford a vacation and "you run your business, you won't find it so easy."

Then he hung-up. And I felt really sick and shaken-up but what came to me was the number of times I had read on SI that NC = healing and I realized I had to do this on my own. Yes, it would be initially more complicated and more expensive to hire contractors but I have to do it or be his hostage forever. This was on Thursday. By Friday I had sent in a classified advertisement for a part-time maintenance person, found someone to sub-contract a big project to, and put all his business files and all his remaining clothing in black bags and left them on his doorstep. Five big black trash bags in total and now he is removed 100% from my home.

Oh, and these people who work for me won't yell ant me or tell me to f***ing shut-up or answer questions with, "I know what I am doing." And they will hopefully behave like professional adults.

I am done. Done, done, done. Now I don't have to do his LLC taxes or sales tax or invoices or estimates or website or client newsletter or advertising contracts or BBB membership or emails to clients when he forgets to turn up. I set up the infrastructure for his whole f***ing business and ran it while he was whoring around.

I knew deep down I had to do this but I was afraid of managing on my own and at some level I thought I needed him. Yes, I will make mistakes but I will learn from them. And work will be done properly without the drama.

He has texted me and emailed me saying he is sorry and he wants to work it out. He isn't sorry. He never has been. He's sorry when he gets a consequence. But it is too late. I have had two days of freedom and it is just fine. I will be fine.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Woooo! you go!


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will be fine.

Yes, you will be.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12122 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you!

I did something similar with X (we are in the same field). It was scary at first, but I started putting the effort I used to have to put into keeping him afloat into myself and now I'm doing better than ever professionally. You will too!

((hugs))


BS / D

Posts: 859 | Registered: Jun 2013
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay!!!! Great job! Trust me he will suffer the most from this latest broken connection. I hope you don't have to go to parallel parenting, I guess that's the next step. If I ever get past in house I'm sure the Snake and I will suffer a similar deterioration. But it's worth it for the FREEDOM. I bet your stress will go way down!!!


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
Hasn't moved out yet
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 930 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Woo hoo!!!! Go you!

He has texted me and emailed me saying he is sorry and he wants to work it out.
I'm going out on a limb and guessing that this was your response


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24393 | Registered: Aug 2011
areyoukidding
♀ Member
Member # 30528
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Way to go!! Shields up in case he has a tantrum over this. High five!!


BS (me) : 53 Freshly divorced and so very happy. To infinity and beyond!!


Trying to understand the behaviour of some people is like trying to smell the number 9.


Posts: 576 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Canada
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, aren't YOU the bad-ass! Way to go, jemmapd! I'm so proud of you. And yeah, it's REALLY nice to work with contractors who actually act like adults!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4551 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has texted me and emailed me saying he is sorry and he wants to work it out. He isn't sorry. He never has been. He's sorry when he gets a consequence. But it is too late. I have had two days of freedom and it is just fine. I will be fine.

Amen, sister. Amen.

Held hostage is exactly what you were - what I was. He knew my greatest fears and he pressed them against my neck like a blade.

The fear itself is worse than that which you fear.

I wish I had understood this 7 years ago and walked the minute he crossed that line from normal moodiness to emotional abuse. Fear kept me there, not love. Fear of an unknown future when I should have been terrified of the certain future I was going to have with that guy.

He has given you a gift here. I had not the strength nor courage to free myself - he freed me. But I kept myself free. Keep yourself free, friend. You're worth it.

But I disagree with you on one point - you will be MORE than fine. So much more. Yes, it's scary but exciting, no?

Welcome to freedom!!


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5399 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
MinorBee
♀ Member
Member # 17895
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Ex-Husband: diagnosed NPD: porn, hookers, swapping, swinging, EA's, PA's...if it's humanly possible he's probably done it at least once
married: 20 years, finally divorced after 5 years
DDays: which time?, OW's which one?

Posts: 457 | Registered: Jan 2008
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Way to go!! Shields up in case he has a tantrum over this

How did you know? He has been blowing up my phone. He is alternately begging and bullying as usual.

1. "I am sorry"
2. "I want to be taken off the mortgage for the house" (the house we used to live in that I now have)

No - that isn't happening. I pay it. I can't refinance. All that was factored into the legal separation and he was fine with it. He knew I would pay it and he doesn't need a loan because he got a house free and clear.

Then I just got this via email:

3. "I did not want to get a divorce. I am not happy about this whole thing. I have been in a lot of pain over all of it and have had a lot of stress as I am sure you have. So you don't need to try to go out of your way to hurt me. I said I was sorry and I am so please for the sake of (DD7) can we try to be friendly?"

This is the guy who screwed around on me and fired me two days ago as his business assistant. As for DD7, he didn't give a damn about her during his affairs or during fake reconciliation when he did NONE of the work necessary to hold our family together.

I wish I had understood this 7 years ago and walked the minute he crossed that line from normal moodiness to emotional abuse. Fear kept me there, not love. Fear of an unknown future when I should have been terrified of the certain future I was going to have with that guy. He has given you a gift here. I had not the strength nor courage to free myself - he freed me. But I kept myself free

SBB, I saw a friend today and she said it was emotional abuse - the yelling, swearing, demeaning comments, angry looks. I have felt so bullied. I don't want to go back to working with him. As PL said, I can use that time to further my own (second) career in teaching. I can teach in a community college but I have not had time to even do my resume.

So what do I do now? Answer him or ignore this last email?


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome job, he imp. Continue to give him crickets.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7416 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skan, you know I've come a long way thanks to you and the others on this site.

You mean contractors don't tell you to "Shut the Fuck Up" as a standard answer to a question?

I do feel under siege right now. He's going to keep piling on the pressure to see if I crack which, in the past, I have. But I do not want to work with him and I don't need to, it's just dealing with the fallout now.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Lilypad
♀ Member
Member # 36399
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember NC=no new hurts.

Stick to your guns, and don't answer him, no matter how big his tantrum or apology is. He will eventually get the point.


“You can make mistakes, but you are not a failure until you blame others for those mistakes.” -John Wooden

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Canada
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow he is really unravelling now that he is not in control. I'm sorry you're going through all this. It seems the best and safest thing for your well being and sanity is to ignore his drama. It will stop when he realizes it isn't getting a satisfying result. I picture the inside of his head as a swirling vortex of crazy. He must be going mad trying to figure out how to best manipulate the situation to his advantage. Stay strong.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 615 | Registered: May 2013
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, Triple, he is falling apart.

As for me, I feel sad and hurt. I exist in his mind only insofar as I am useful to him. That was the case now and in the marriage. He took all the fun, affections and sex and gave that to the OW. I was the secretary/housekeeper. At least I've been fired now.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am SOOOOO proud of you jemimapd!! Damn girl!! Sooo proud!!
This was on Thursday. By Friday I had sent in a classified advertisement for a part-time maintenance person, found someone to sub-contract a big project to, and put all his business files and all his remaining clothing in black bags and left them on his doorstep. Five big black trash bags in total and now he is removed 100% from my home.
You are taking care of YOU!

Now he is probably realizing you can and will take care of yourself so now he is back pedaling. Fuck that. You need to continue to heal and rebuild your life without all the anger, poor me, guilt tripping bullshit that he projects on you. I understand the hurt and sadness that you are feeling but you also realize it is emotionally abusive and you know that isn't healthy for you and DD.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Mediation date: 7/10/14 and 7/22/14
Final final court date: Oct 2014

Posts: 2112 | Registered: Oct 2012
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No response. None whatsoever.

He'll morph back into the lower muppet he has always been soon enough. He is back-pedalling because he now knows you know what he has always known. You.dont.need.him.

The sad clown did it too. Tried a few trips down memory lane to appeal to my gas lighted side. That bitch is dead, dude. Dead and gone. No more gas lighting here - I was always so much better at doing it to myself than that guy ever was.

Repeat to yourself:

There are no fish in this pond.
This pond has no water.
Fuck.Off.

[This message edited by SBB at 3:27 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)]


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5399 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you! I know it's hard right now, but soooooo worth it! Your peace of mind is in the balance. And it's nothing you have done. He has done all of it to himself.


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2181 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
Harriet
♀ Member
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are so strong, Jemimapd. I'm so proud of you. I'm getting a vicarious feeling of justice by your choices. Keep us posted!

[This message edited by Harriet at 11:42 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)]


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 384 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
Topic Posts: 32
Pages: 1 · 2

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