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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Maybe I should get custody of Mil..
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Angry  Posted: 11:14 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STBXWW is currently at a theme park on a girls trip. She blocked me on FB and left (she told DD8 she had cancelled it). I knew the trip was coming, she takes it every year.

She put MIL on convalescent care after major surgery (MIL lives with her, and with us before S)

Yesterday while driving after work I get a call from MIL. Crying, making little sense, clearly in pain. Apparently her pain and anxiety meds are a full two hours overdue. MIL has been trying desperately to contact WW to no avail.

So I get on the phone. I pull over and figure out her doctor name and call. Little help because it's the weekend and after hours. I text WW about her mom having an emergency, no response. MIL tells me to contact common friend (whose pictures of WW at the trip on FB keep showing on my news feed) so I do. She answers right away and says she'll talk to WW.

I then call the place to see why medicines are so late and why she's not being checked on. I'm not on the contact list so they can't get me any info. I insist and start asking for supervisors so they finally apologize and go take care of her. It's been another hour by now.

Half hour later so the meds kick in I call. MIL is much better now, things are ok.

I get a text from STBXWW. Thank you. I'm so sorry you got involved, but I am so thankful. I texted back that I'd call today and visit with the kids tomorrow.

("I'm so sorry you got involved??" So better to let her suffer longer? Don't know how that was meant)

... And the common friend unfriended me on FB. You know, as a thanks.

Inventory of enablement: I pay for her bills and mortgage (no orders yet) and I'm bleeding money. She doesn't work and may not be trying to find a job. I have the kids more than her and had them solid this week and until next Wed (with with a SN kid means waking up at 5am every night). And I'm helping out with her MIL while she parties.

And when she comes back, I'll be alone, her calling the shots as "a good mom", as mandatory mediation is coming soon and she will likely request more time with the kids.

I hate the entire situation, but I can't hear MIL cry in pain and not help.

Sigh.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 755 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate the entire situation, but I can't hear MIL cry in pain and not help.

You're a good man.

Now, unless you're trying for custody, GTFO of Dodge for a while. Do something purely for you.

However, expect CSTBXWW to pull some shit where she absolutely, positively needs your help. Don't be there.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2968 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is a hard situation. The way I get through this type of thing is to make the distinction in my mind that my actions are not for the benefit of my ex. You did this for your MIL, because you have empathy. It has nothing to do with enabling your ex. In my case it is deciding what I do for my kids because I am doing it for them and not to ease my ex's burden.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 722 | Registered: Aug 2013
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly what kg said. Next time STBXWW texts a 'thank you' to you, be sure to respond "I didn't do it for you."

Also, document, document, document! How much time you have the kids should effect CS and custody. Maybe YOU should be living in the house with them instead of STBXWW.

Unless STBXWW has POA for MIL, your MIL should be able to put you on the contact list. That's assuming you would like to continue a relationship with her separate from STBXWW.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1854 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((GotPlayed)))
You're awesome! You should ask MIL to add you to the list just in case. She'll always be your kid's grandma.
And the common friend unfriended me on FB. You know, as a thanks.


Hilarious! Obviously she's not a true common friend, just a friend of a wayward. FTG and your WW


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GotPlayed,

I am sure your MIL is thankful that you are a decent human being. No one should be in pain when there are meds available - JMHO.

Document, Document, Document.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5249 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you All

I'm exhausted. This is not what I wanted for my family.

I checked with MIL. Of course when WW called she tried to berate her for talking to me. Told her she would have gotten back to her but was "too busy". I told her not to let herself be mistreated by me, her or anyone.

I'm also busy. Taking care of the kids, working, and running my household.. She didn't apologize even to her own mother. Even that becomes a blame fest of WW anger.

I'm so sad I could cry. She needs help. And she doesn't see it. Any distraction from the reality of her situation is great, and interrupting with her family's needs is an affront. How dare us.

Getting out of Dodge is so tempting..


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 755 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take the kiddos with you and disappear off of the map, even if it is for a day or two or for however long you are with the kiddos.. No phone, no instagram no FB letting people know where you are..You don't even have to go anywhere far or leave town.. You are not obligated to give your WW a moment to moment account of what you do from day to day...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Nov 2011
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((GP & MIL)))) How soon will orders be in place, bud? How can you make that happen SOONER?


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25667 | Registered: Aug 2011
BAB61
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with 5454real - You are a good man! ((GP))


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would call elder care or CPS or some equivalent in your area and report her. She's neglecting her mother who is clearly one of her dependents.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13784 | Registered: Jul 2011
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This makes me so sad.

I'm glad MIL has someone she can count on. I'm livid XWasteofSpace berated her for getting someone to help her.

Major surgery, FFS. I hate her.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5608 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm thinking MIL would do better under your supervision than her daughters, and she knows it!

Maybe you should get custody.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5249 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is really nothing you can do about the MIL situation. But you certainly can put a stop to financing her partying ways. Go ahead and file for D, ask for full custody, being you have them anyway. Don't tell her just do it. Get a temp S agreement in place and cut off the financial tit. Pay only what you have to pay no more, no less. If your not living in the marital home request that you want it. As long as you give her this free ride she is going to run with it. Your gonna continue to bleed money until you put a stop to it bro. Document everything including all the time you spend with the kids.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5717 | Registered: Nov 2007
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Document everything and then look to get an emergency set up for support and finances. Document that she is taking trips, etc. Look at getting your house back and taking in your MIL at some point if she cannot adequately care for her. It sounds like she may need an advocate.

Report the issue with MIL to the authorities. That's elder abuse most likely, if nothing else the convalescent care place should be reported.

Are there any other siblings you can contact with regards to MIL?

You said you have a SN child, the chance that she might do this to your child is out there.


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been documenting everything. STBXWW already filed D, I already filed response. Mandatory child mediation is soon.

I went to visit MIL today. She has a lot of fight in her she's definitely reporting the convalescent place, and she's talking about contacting a lawyer about her treatment. I was happy to see her coherent and on the ball today - I was expecting her to look at lot worse. She's also not happy with WW about her going off and leaving her there, or telling her "who I can and can't call". And was very happy I visited with the kids and my dad (to help with my SN kid).

She's hopeful we'll get back together one day, maybe after the D. I told her what has to happen for that to be the case, which is pretty much the same conditions I've always placed. Apparently WW was very angry at me when I left, but her anger has subdued as time has passed. And according to MIL she is looking for a job. MIL says she is emotionally immature, but that she's changing and understanding a lot more. She cries a lot, she says, apparently she can't show me but she's remorseful. We'll see..

MIL has one son, thousands of miles away - WW has half-brothers but they're not MIL's kids. MIL's son is really not that close.


On the money bleeding I have to continue to pay the bills that are in my name, but she owes me for all her consumption and half the mortgage since I left. So it's going to get more expensive for her the longer she doesn't get her act together. Hopefully she knows that. I have to remember that this pain for me is temporary. I was the breadwinner and though it hurts right now it will hurt more later.

In custody I just want a fair deal. I don't know what exactly that is but I'm putting together something with my L. I'm going for joint custody, not sure what percentages I want yet (less than what I have now - it's very hard with a full time, high stress job). Marital home is not that important to me - I can afford it, but I don't want the memories, and I'm starting to settle in my new place, even if the furniture sucks. She can't afford it and likely won't qualify to refinance on her income alone so I'll wait for her to want to give it back to me. I don't know, I may want to sell it. Not sure yet, I'm open to negotiating it either way.

I'm trying to be the reasonable party here - I'm documenting and I will bring it all up in time, instead of fighting during. I have to co-parent with this creature for the next several years.


Thank you everyone!


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 755 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
Topic Posts: 16

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