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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: T/j Divorce, hiring attorneys, controlling costs
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've retained an attorney to represent me. WH plans to pay an attorney his hourly fee to review whatever settlement agreement we propose, is my understanding.

Here is where I need clarification.

Does divorce get expensive because you spend time arguing about things through your attorneys and going to court a million times?

I don't want to do a dissolution. Dissolution, to me, implies that you both are in agreement that the relationship is un salvageable...also implies that you are in complete agreement as to how things are going to be split.

I do not agree that our relationship is beyond repair(neither does our MC - he says we have an excellent basis for rebuilding). However, since WH won't end his A so we can work on it, biblically speaking I can file for divorce. (Nowhere in the Bible does it say I can dissolve my marriage...) WH is also hassling me about the house (I'm going to be the residential parent) and some of our furnishings.

My hope/plan is to have everything agreed upon in advance of filing for D. My attorney says we can go to court, file, say it is uncontested, present them with our separation agreement and parenting plan and be done in one fell swoop.

Thoughts or advice? Has this worked for anyone?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Attempting to salvage your relationship through divorce attorneys is like trying to put out a fire with gasoline.

They make their money by being professional advocates in an adversarial process. That is the nature of our legal system - literally what it is designed to do.

If you want to work in your relationship, do that. But not with divorce lawyers.

[This message edited by Merlin at 7:48 AM, March 1st (Saturday)]


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The expense, as you say, come when you add emotion into every transaction. Every time there is a disagreement over items, financial issues, kids, or in my case when one spouse begins to file frivolous restraining orders.

If you still have a relationship with your STBX where you can have a conversation about finances, etc. without breaking out in a cold sweat, then try to do it. It will save you much in attorney fees. If you can both bring some agreed upon items to the attorneys, then great. Agree that you both will bring some of the agreed upon items to your attorneys for a quick over, but ultimately that will save time and money.

Good luck.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 666 | Registered: Aug 2013
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Attempting to salvage your relationship through divorce attorneys is like trying to put out a fire with gasoline.

Lol. I'm not trying to salvage it. I'm trying to get divorced and keep my WH from having access to my residence without it costing me a small fortune in attorneys fees to do so.

He keeps insisting that he WILL have access to the house.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does divorce get expensive because you spend time arguing about things through your attorneys and going to court a million times?

Yes. Every time you contact your L they will charge you for at least 15 minutes, even if the call only takes 3 minutes. That is $75-100 right there. If you have your L contact your stbx or his L, then that will likely be $300-400. It add sup quickly. If you can get your stbx to agree on most everything without getting a L involved, that saves a lot of money.

I don't want to do a dissolution. Dissolution, to me, implies that you both are in agreement that the relationship is un salvageable...also implies that you are in complete agreement as to how things are going to be split.

Don;t get hung up on semantics. Dissolution and Divorce both have the same outcome and no one cares what the court paper says. If dissolution is achievable and cheaper, go that route. If not, go the divorce route.

My attorney says we can go to court, file, say it is uncontested, present them with our separation agreement and parenting plan and be done in one fell swoop.

This is what I did. However I had to have my L contact my X several times to sign the papers (X was lying to me saying he signed and sent them). That drove my cost up, but otherwise it was a bare bones D.

He keeps insisting that he WILL have access to the house.

Don;t argue with him about this. Whenever he mentions it, just let it go in one ear and out the other.. for now. Get stbx to agree on everything else first. Then have your L tell him that you will have exclusive use of the house he he has not rights what so ever to the house. If you have to, go to mediation on that one issue. Because your stbx is dreaming, no way will he get access to the house unless YOU cave and allow it. Is he going to give you free access to his home? Hell no! And he should not have free access to your home.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17606 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because your stbx is dreaming, no way will he get access to the house unless YOU cave and allow it.

Are you sure? Even if he insists on maintaining joint ownership until our last kid graduates (2yrs)? Will they still give me exclusive use of the house if I want it? My IC said she would write a letter to the court saying that his presence in the home would be too emotionally distressing for me.

It would just be like him leaving me over, and over, and over....


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A letter from your IC will help.

But I also suggest that you play hardball with him. He wants you and the kids to stay in the house. For whatever reason, but I read it as him seeing this as a way to continue to control you after the D. He sees you taking control of your own life and taking away his control over you. He does not like it, at all. For however long your M was, HE thought he had control. When he was having his A, he had even more control because HE knew the reality of your life when you did not. Now he is losing all of that and he is desperate to maintain control. And HE sees you and the kids staying in the house as his means to maintain control.

Take that away from him. Tell him that you plan to sell the house. LIE to him if you must. I don't normally advise anyone to lie ever, but D is a whole 'nother ball game. LIE thru your teeth if you must. Tell him that you cannot wait to get away from the house and away from the bad memories and start a new life. Take away his power. Tell him that you will force the sale of the house in the D. Tell him you do not care if you lose money on the house, that your main goal is to get away.

Worst case scenario: you do have to sell the house and start fresh in a new place with the kids. Not a bad outcome, IMO. Maybe not the best, but not so bad.

Best case scenario: He is so desperate to keep the kids in the house because is mitigates his own guilt about how he blew up their lives, that he agree to you having exclusive use of the house.

DO NOT allow him into bullying you into giving him access to the house. I would live in a cave before I would give my X access to my HOME, my safe place.

It would be living hell if you stayed in the house and he got to come and go as he pleased. Do your want your kids to live in hell? Or would it be better for everyone if you got an apartment that he did not have any access to? I know you want to keep things stable for the kids, but living in hell is NOT stable. Just imagine if you were legally D, but he came over every night to fight with you. THAT would be the life your kids would have to live if he has access to the house.

Take control of this and put on your bitch boots. If you must, tell him you would rather live in a shelter with drug addicts than give him access to the house. Just say no.

I know this is hard. And he is making it harder for you. (((hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17606 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exclusive use means he can't come in. Can't even step onto the driveway.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9538 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As Dreamboat said, dissolution v. divorce is semantics. They both result in the same outcome. I dissolved my marriage because it was the fastest and least expensive route, and XPOS was agreeable enough to make it work. In the eyes of the Catholic Church it is still divorce, based on infidelity, and permissible. Take the path that works best for you, but don't get hung up on the semantics.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone.

I have NO intention of agreeing to any type of access to my residence. None.

He wants the kids and I to stay here. However, he's a cake eater and also wants to be able to come and hang out here, celebrate birthdays together, come over and decorate the Christmas tree, etc.

I've heard,"as long as my kids are living in this house my name will be on the mortgage.". IMHO, he is trying to make himself feel less like is abandoning the family.

I've already told him I would force the sale of the home before I would agree to let him have access to the house. He said I was being selfish (because I'd do that instead of letting the kids stay in their home and let him come over).

I'm hoping when he consults with an attorney they will set him straight on the matter.

I keep reminding him he doesn't want our marriage or our relationship. (Oh - but he wants us to be best friends...wtf)

It's so frustrating.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 10

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