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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Do you feel like you don't fit in anywhere?
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been a loner my entire life. I am very introverted, and can get along with most people but it never really turns into deep lasting friendships.

I think that is why it was so hard to get past my ex cheating - he was the one person I really felt I connected with.

I have no friends from childhood, high school or college. I do have a couple close friends I met through hobbies and interests, but the one that lives the closest is an hour away. So it's hard to get together without some prior planning. Plus, she is a single mom and dating so she has a lot going on in her life. I have a couple other close-ish friends but they live 1+ hours away. Then there are some people from work and whatnot that I will go out to dinner with or grab a drink with but those are not people that I share real personal details of my life with.

I, too, am often feeling too exhausted after work and other personal obligations to really want to socialize. I don't make friends easily, so it's just easier to stay home by myself and be a hermit.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2231 | Registered: Feb 2010
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I feel this too. But I think ti has more to do right now with the fact that I live in the middle of suburbia with almost all married families around me. I don't fit in with them. I don't' fit it at the kids school, or at the pool or at birthday parties or at the park. They are all families. I do have a few single mom friends, but most have boyfriends. My BFF is married and has no kids…so she has no idea what my life is like. I only have one single girlfriend that isn't dating, but she works so damn much that I rarely see her.

Somedays it bothers me more than others. Sometimes I'm happy on my own, with my kids and animals around me. The introverted part of me is happy…but after awhile it sucks. I know I need to get out more and see my friends and meet new people.

But, yeah, my identity was wrapped up in begin a mom and wife. I've had to reinvent myself and I don't yet fit in.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4153 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Like I just don't quite get how to be part of a group or socialize with others. I think post-D, I've discovered how to be in a group of people. I've even made a couple of friends post-D...which is pretty damn exciting to me.

I don't have a social life to speak of...but I don't feel lonely...

For me, my difficulty was always in making the first step to reach out and ask someone to go do something...I'm getting better at that.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
JenniMay
♀ Member
Member # 24595
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate!

I've always been an introvert, but it seems like post-D, I've really plunged deep into introversion.

I have really alienated myself from the few friends I had. My closest friend has never been married & is so hyper-focused on "finding a man". I can't bear to even talk to her b/c that's ALL she talks about. She thinks a relationship/marriage is the key to her happiness & her life isn't complete until it happens.

I am really happiest at home or at the barn---spending time with my animals (I don't have children). If it weren't for the ladies at the barn who I ride with, I'd be a total hermit--but I honestly can't say I'm unhappy. My life has just changed...


Betrayed after 13 years of marriage.
DDay & Separated - June 2009
Divorced - March 2010


Posts: 669 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: On the Coast in Virginia
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have made some good friends in my rural area post D but they sold or foreclosed (our area is very underwater) and moved away. 3 good friends in the past 2 years. I think disconnection is the price we pay for mobile modern lives.

I just came from a seminar 4 hours away in the big city. There I saw many people I've known for years, had plenty of friends, acquaintances or colleagues in that circle. I fit in there, for a few hours a year. But I probably won't see any of them for another year or more. I just live too far away.

When I come home I am so glad to be away from the never ever ending buzz and noise of the city, to hear the songs of frogs, and the brightest swash of Milky Way stars - things you never experience in the city. I am grateful to be here, but I do feel more isolated.

I think I might plan a neighbor potluck to see if I can cultivate more connections here. I am almost exhausted at the thought,
But I have to try something. I don't think disconnection is healthy.



BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5833 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I don't fit in. I'll never be the warm, fuzzy person that everybody loves to be around. I wish I could be. My therapist says that the level of childhood physical and sexual abuse and abandonment I suffered made me hypervigilant in putting up walls to prevent me from getting hurt again. Being vulnerable is so foreign to me that I have no clue how one does that. I have lived most of my life alone, except for my wonderful son and my few good friends, and probably always will.


Choices, Chances, Changes.....You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

Posts: 13768 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
eleanor2012
♀ Member
Member # 35655
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really believe it is a part of modern day life. People are very stressed out. I notice no one entertains at home much anymore. I think it's a combination of a society that has to always be "perfect" in front of other people and the economy (people can't afford to entertain).


Posts: 52 | Registered: May 2012
eleanor2012
♀ Member
Member # 35655
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whalers11:

I think there are many of us like you out here!

Of course, I came from a family where "friends" were not valued. Only family. So I was taught to be this way, but here I am :)


Posts: 52 | Registered: May 2012
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know for a fact that I don't fit in anywhere it's a problem with no cure. Some of it is all of the reasons already noted (singleton surrrounded by families, 47 with no kids so I can't hang with the single moms, small not close family, no friends from childhood, no friends who live near me, introvert who doesn't do superficial well, & like lieshurt, I'm both defensive (so too often too blunt & brusque) & super closed off & awkward to be around due to multiple traumas).

And then there are a few extras just for grins. The most obvious is my career which means I move countries every 2-3 years. But then .... I'm wierd. Truly. You can't pigeon hole me as a type e.g. when I was racing motorcycles, everyone around me was a gearhead (nothing wrong with that, so am I!) but if I tried to talk classical liberal economics, it was all blank stares. I am all over the place, a walking dichotomy and it throws people b/c it messes with their minds to suddenly realize that all their assumptions/prejudices about me are wrong. Layer that over how awkward I make people feel in general and well, I'm cursed!


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3104 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realize it's sort of pseudo-science, but.. just for fun...

Anyone take the MBTI?

I identify as INTJ currently.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 835 | Registered: Nov 2012
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@PIC, you may not be surprised to hear that on MBTI I scored 100% introversion, and for the rest, right down the middle, i.e. I'm not clearly one or the other.

And just last week I took a right brain/left brain test. The result? I use both sides of my brain equally. Sigh


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3104 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
BAB61
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sometimes feel like I'm the little kid peering in the window. For the most part I'm a very social person.

Using Myers-Briggs Personality sorter I'm ENFP.

I am involved with the New Member class at my church. I have a yarn group that meets every Tues. Since we're a homeschool family we have a group of homeschoolers that get together every Wed at local parks and libraries.

If you are lonely, find a local homeless shelter and volunteer. Those people define loneliness, just sayin' ... they have no home, no family usually and few if any friends.

Volunteering is a good way to get out and help someone else. Places that you can volunteer: The local animal shelter. Homeless shelter. Home for Abused Women & Children. The NICU at the local hospital. Hospice. The Food Bank. If there is nothing like this near you, start a group to collect donations for the impoverished, local schools, hospitals etc. Call the organizations and find out what donations are accepted.


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
JenniMay
♀ Member
Member # 24595
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

INTJ here...


Betrayed after 13 years of marriage.
DDay & Separated - June 2009
Divorced - March 2010


Posts: 669 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: On the Coast in Virginia
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ISFJ here…
*edited to add* I am also a "both sides equal" brain too. I have an undergrad art degree yet now pursing a legal degree and am extremely organized. It all makes sense to me.

[This message edited by cmego at 4:12 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4153 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am ISTJ.


Choices, Chances, Changes.....You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

Posts: 13768 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(again, not taking this TOO seriously)

ENFP's are fun. I think my daughter would probably test as ENFP or ENTP if she were a bit older and took the test. Probably 100% E.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 835 | Registered: Nov 2012
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm "in between" too. My mom friends and I were all in transition anyway as preschoolers became big kids and we all started going back to work and school and the kids got busy and getting together got harder. Then Dday and I fell off the face of the earth for awhile with grief, and then started school myself (and a doctoral program, so its intense) and then got D. So now when I have time to socialize they are all with their families, and when they would be able to go out and grab a drink I have my kids.

My D'd friends and I all have jobs or school and worst of all -- competing custody schedules. So we can't get together easily with the kids OR without!

My school friends are great but mostly childless and in the city and living a very very different life than I am. They don't get it, and I get left out of a lot because they just pick up and go.

Its hard. I am single but with kids so not carefree. I am a mother but not always with my kids. I don't quite fit in anywhere. It means I spend way too much time connecting on people with Facebook, which is better than nothing but not really nourishing, and am a lot lonelier than I'd like, despite being constantly busy. Once I am done with school I hope I will have the energy and will (and money!) to join groups and such. It won't always be this way. I hope.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 542 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm INTJ--89% introverted

It's really not a matter of joining groups. I rarely feel comfortable in any group. I need a lot of time away from people.

I do have very good, very long-time friends and made one close friend in my former neighbor in Tucson, and that was a fluke. We are several decades apart in age, but from the same area of the country, but our interests and lifestyles are very different, yet we mesh.

So I never say never-who knows.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20220 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being a widow in your 50's sucks.

Your friends are married. Even though you know they love you and don't feel like you are a third wheel you still are. And at my age there isn't even eligible guys around they want to fix you up with.

And my widow friends are 65+. They physically can't do the things I do like hike, ride my horse, kayak.

I have a great life and I am thankful for everything I've got. But there just isn't enough people around here that I can hang with and it's lonely.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6562 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Lola2kids
♀ Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ISTJ
This was an interesting test.
I had a hard time choosing in some cases.

I am an introvert.
I don't fit in.
I am anti-social.
I am very socially inept.
Even voluteering would set me into a panic attack.

This situation that brought me here has set me back in so many ways.

On the other hand, I have had to become more self sufficient and at the moment I can't see myself ever becoming vulnerable enough to NEED someone again.
Even a friendship.
My family is becoming annoying too.
I don't want to have to justify my decisions.
I don't want to have to answer to anyone else but myself.

I'm not sure if that's entirely a good thing.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved to Europe June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
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