I think that is why it was so hard to get past my ex cheating - he was the one person I really felt I connected with.
I have no friends from childhood, high school or college. I do have a couple close friends I met through hobbies and interests, but the one that lives the closest is an hour away. So it's hard to get together without some prior planning. Plus, she is a single mom and dating so she has a lot going on in her life. I have a couple other close-ish friends but they live 1+ hours away. Then there are some people from work and whatnot that I will go out to dinner with or grab a drink with but those are not people that I share real personal details of my life with.
I, too, am often feeling too exhausted after work and other personal obligations to really want to socialize. I don't make friends easily, so it's just easier to stay home by myself and be a hermit.
Somedays it bothers me more than others. Sometimes I'm happy on my own, with my kids and animals around me. The introverted part of me is happy…but after awhile it sucks. I know I need to get out more and see my friends and meet new people.
But, yeah, my identity was wrapped up in begin a mom and wife. I've had to reinvent myself and I don't yet fit in.
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings
I don't have a social life to speak of...but I don't feel lonely...
For me, my difficulty was always in making the first step to reach out and ask someone to go do something...I'm getting better at that.
I've always been an introvert, but it seems like post-D, I've really plunged deep into introversion.
I have really alienated myself from the few friends I had. My closest friend has never been married & is so hyper-focused on "finding a man". I can't bear to even talk to her b/c that's ALL she talks about. She thinks a relationship/marriage is the key to her happiness & her life isn't complete until it happens.
I am really happiest at home or at the barn---spending time with my animals (I don't have children). If it weren't for the ladies at the barn who I ride with, I'd be a total hermit--but I honestly can't say I'm unhappy. My life has just changed...
I just came from a seminar 4 hours away in the big city. There I saw many people I've known for years, had plenty of friends, acquaintances or colleagues in that circle. I fit in there, for a few hours a year. But I probably won't see any of them for another year or more. I just live too far away.
When I come home I am so glad to be away from the never ever ending buzz and noise of the city, to hear the songs of frogs, and the brightest swash of Milky Way stars - things you never experience in the city. I am grateful to be here, but I do feel more isolated.
I think I might plan a neighbor potluck to see if I can cultivate more connections here. I am almost exhausted at the thought,
But I have to try something. I don't think disconnection is healthy.
Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.
I think there are many of us like you out here!
Of course, I came from a family where "friends" were not valued. Only family. So I was taught to be this way, but here I am :)
And then there are a few extras just for grins. The most obvious is my career which means I move countries every 2-3 years. But then .... I'm wierd. Truly. You can't pigeon hole me as a type e.g. when I was racing motorcycles, everyone around me was a gearhead (nothing wrong with that, so am I!) but if I tried to talk classical liberal economics, it was all blank stares. I am all over the place, a walking dichotomy and it throws people b/c it messes with their minds to suddenly realize that all their assumptions/prejudices about me are wrong. Layer that over how awkward I make people feel in general and well, I'm cursed!
Anyone take the MBTI?
I identify as INTJ currently.
D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.
And just last week I took a right brain/left brain test. The result? I use both sides of my brain equally. Sigh
Using Myers-Briggs Personality sorter I'm ENFP.
I am involved with the New Member class at my church. I have a yarn group that meets every Tues. Since we're a homeschool family we have a group of homeschoolers that get together every Wed at local parks and libraries.
If you are lonely, find a local homeless shelter and volunteer. Those people define loneliness, just sayin' ... they have no home, no family usually and few if any friends.
Volunteering is a good way to get out and help someone else. Places that you can volunteer: The local animal shelter. Homeless shelter. Home for Abused Women & Children. The NICU at the local hospital. Hospice. The Food Bank. If there is nothing like this near you, start a group to collect donations for the impoverished, local schools, hospitals etc. Call the organizations and find out what donations are accepted.
[This message edited by cmego at 4:12 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]
ENFP's are fun. I think my daughter would probably test as ENFP or ENTP if she were a bit older and took the test. Probably 100% E.
My D'd friends and I all have jobs or school and worst of all -- competing custody schedules. So we can't get together easily with the kids OR without!
My school friends are great but mostly childless and in the city and living a very very different life than I am. They don't get it, and I get left out of a lot because they just pick up and go.
Its hard. I am single but with kids so not carefree. I am a mother but not always with my kids. I don't quite fit in anywhere. It means I spend way too much time connecting on people with Facebook, which is better than nothing but not really nourishing, and am a lot lonelier than I'd like, despite being constantly busy. Once I am done with school I hope I will have the energy and will (and money!) to join groups and such. It won't always be this way. I hope.
It's really not a matter of joining groups. I rarely feel comfortable in any group. I need a lot of time away from people.
I do have very good, very long-time friends and made one close friend in my former neighbor in Tucson, and that was a fluke. We are several decades apart in age, but from the same area of the country, but our interests and lifestyles are very different, yet we mesh.
So I never say never-who knows.
Your friends are married. Even though you know they love you and don't feel like you are a third wheel you still are. And at my age there isn't even eligible guys around they want to fix you up with.
And my widow friends are 65+. They physically can't do the things I do like hike, ride my horse, kayak.
I have a great life and I am thankful for everything I've got. But there just isn't enough people around here that I can hang with and it's lonely.
I am an introvert.
I don't fit in.
I am anti-social.
I am very socially inept.
Even voluteering would set me into a panic attack.
This situation that brought me here has set me back in so many ways.
On the other hand, I have had to become more self sufficient and at the moment I can't see myself ever becoming vulnerable enough to NEED someone again.
Even a friendship.
My family is becoming annoying too.
I don't want to have to justify my decisions.
I don't want to have to answer to anyone else but myself.
I'm not sure if that's entirely a good thing.