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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Dammit, I don't want this to be my life!
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm sorry. I'm with you. We didn't ask for this. Thanks, WH, for blowing up EVERYONE'S life plans...yours, mine, AND the kids'.

Yeah. Thanks for that.

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
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Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry NG for your situation. It's so unfair. Sending you hugs.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller

Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
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Member # 23468
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

haysuth, WTF coffee came out my nose!

Sorry for the topic jump.

NG- You are in a dip in the roller coaster. You know it, I know it. Doesn't make it any easier to get through it does it? I wish he were dead too. It takes a special brand of asshole to inspire perfectly sane decent people to credibly offer to kill someone for you. This happened for me as well, and I, too had that moment of credible hesitation where my whole being wanted to say yes, in the same moment that the same whole being knew it was wrong. Just like you, I said no, just like you, I felt horrible about wanting to say yes, and just like I'd bet you do, I often wish one of them would do it even though I said no. But there is this-you got out, and you got your kids out. It sucks you have to bring them to see him, but it is far far better than them living with him, and because you see what happened, and are brave enough to discuss it with them, us and the ic's, They will avoid most or all of what life would have had in store for them with him in the home. Take the help from wherever you have to. You are NOT a leech. We work hard, you, me and every one here. We all feel at times we are supporting a welfare state with our insanely high taxes, but we would every one of us want you to take the help. YOU are who we work for, even though we hate the welfare state. We are Americans, we will support 100 leeches in order to help one NG, who has mostly supported herself and her kids, who will support herself again, who is raising 3 children all of whom will be great credits to her and to said society. YOU are why we quietly work and try to see that YOU are worth supporting the 100. I hope one day we can filter out the 100, but I sincerely pray that we NEVER at whatever cost cease to support people like you and yours, for whom our well intended help is designed. Take what you need, for you have surely payed at least that into the system. Get back on your feet, and keep supporting your wonderful children. DO NOT feel bad, the whole flawed fucked up system was designed exactly for people like you, and I for one am always happy to think that my money is going to someone like you. I'd take it in a heart beat if I needed it. I had the one advantage in this situation of being the wage earner, so when I finally escaped at least financially I landed on my feet. But do what you have to, as all good parents do, to get your children ahead.
Having said all of that, I still hate him for you and I certainly hope he dies soon, right along with mine.

edited for grammar and punctuation

[This message edited by badd at 11:12 AM, March 1st (Saturday)]

Posts: 130 | Registered: Apr 2009
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Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I loathe and detest your x and want him to die. There, I said it.

NG, you are strong and wonderful. You have a book in you somewhere.

I don't call what you did for your kids begging. I don't see it as humiliating. I see a strong woman advocating for her kids and making damn well sure that they get the very best that you can get spite of your circumstances.

"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4687 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
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Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm sorry you are hurting right now. It will get better, guaranteed. You do what you have to do, and no need to feel bad. We all get it.

I'm w/you on the wishing he'd just have died instead. Strangely, I got a few offers like that as well.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
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Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Time to take on those writing skills to write a book- make it fiction but make it clear enough in the details of the villain to be a dead ringer for him. I'd just love to hear him protest 20 years from now (if he's even still alive).

Here's the plot though - make it a story of survival - write the last chapter first - victory at youngest kid's COLLEGE graduation - how much they overcame and how much you overcame for that celebration. Everything between now and then can become that reality!

edit - the end game isn't just surviving school - it's the victory of a new beginning with your children victorious over abuse and psychopathy.

[This message edited by k8la at 1:16 PM, March 1st (Saturday)]

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2013
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Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in on you NG. I hope today is a bit brighter? Thinking of you and sending hugs and positive energy!

Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2271 | Registered: Oct 2012
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Member # 32265
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are a strong, wonderful woman. A dedicated, fierce, loyal and loving mom.
I hope you are feeling better today.

Divorced 1/3/14

Posts: 627 | Registered: May 2011
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Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NatureGirl, That has got to be the best example of a woman giving herself a "Harden The Fuck Up" lecture I've ever seen.

You are one hard assed woman. You are stunningly strong and determined and capable.

That anger in you is a tool and you are using it well. It's like you spat out your teeth after a kick in the face and you scooped them up and made a pick-axe out of them.

You were flung in the abyss through no fault of your own, and you are getting out. That pick-axe is of you. It's the sheer will and determination that is deep in your core. You are hefting that pick-axe and swinging with a terrible force to beat against the sides of the dark black well and you are knocking off chips, building steps out of the slick walls and you are going to walk up on stairs of your own making and get the fuck out of there.

You are HARD CORE.

In the meantime we are cheering you on, those little bits of assistance from others are just recognition of what you have earned in your life. You earned your safety net and these little bits are here for you to help get you back out of the hole. But you are getting out of the hole yourself, nobody is doing that work for you and you OWN your progress.

Before you know it you will be back on your feet out in the daylight and that shithead X of yours better be fucking scared.

((NG)) You got this.

BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
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Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Yes, definitely a big and sudden dip on the roller coaster! But remember what happens next - you'll start lurching upwards again.

And always remember the mantra:
“I thought such awful thoughts that I cannot even say them out loud because they would make Jesus want to drink gin straight out of the cat dish.”

Feel your feelings, my friend. I know you - you're going to come out of this funk feeling more determined and focused than ever, and maybe even with some new ideas, or support, or friends. ((((((((HUGS)))))))))


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
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Member # 41631
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((NG))))) Thinking of you!

Me: 35
2 amazing kids DS DD
almost Divorced!

Posts: 283 | Registered: Dec 2013
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Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((nature girl))

you've been doing everything you can to make a good life. you will come out better in the end. I'm sorry its so tough right now.

But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler

Posts: 8460 | Registered: Apr 2008
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Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope today you are feeling better. So many great words of advice above but I wanted to add about wanting your dreams back. I get that and I've been trying to look at it this way: I'm not going to give up the pursuit of my dreams, I'm just changing my plan for how I'm going about that so that I can acheive as many of them as I can. Maybe you can think of it that way?

Hope your application stuff is all done.

Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 49
DS22, DD19, DS17

Posts: 1298 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
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Member # 33735
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I hope today is a better day for you!

M -25 years, T - 31 years, 4 children
Dday October 8, 2011 - Multiple PAs and ONs
Divorced 1-8-13
"When you give a lot of importance to someone in your life, you lose your importance in their life."

Posts: 952 | Registered: Oct 2011
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Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You are a rock star and have NOTHING to be ashamed of or disappointed in yourself for. You have stepped forward and done what is best for your kids. They are lucky to have you. Yes you are not rich. Yes you are struggling Yes you will work again and probably below your pay grade and not doing something you love. But please remember that we Har all made sacrifices for our kids and you will be led down another path. One you have not even fathomed is possible.

Sister you will come out of this a shining star. I know this because you are strong brae and capable. You are fierce and smart.

((( and strength)))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8714 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NG))). I totally get it.

-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 880 | Registered: Aug 2011
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Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd much rather folks like us be on welfare than those ones that go around using the money for drugs and booze instead of rightfully for their kids!
Pride is a good thing, but don't let it cut your nose off to spite your face! Take what you need. I know you will pay it forward when times get better!

I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
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Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
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