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User Topic: IC/specialized in relationship issues?
AmberDust
♀ Member
Member # 38904
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still trying to find a new IC. The one I just met with is a "regular" coach or counselor, and not a relationship counselor, or specialized in relationship issues like infidelity. She is a "Mindfullness"trainer besides being coach/counselor.

While I realize the counselor is not supposed to be my new best friend, and cry with me for an hour during our session, I do seem to expect an opinion on certain aspects. On the forum I read about counselors telling WH they are a narcissist. Or they are not being honest. I know the counselors are not going to express their personal opinion, but I'm sure it takes a trained person to be able to see certain behavior and recognize it as wayward. If I share with you that I need my husband to tell me he loves me 6 times a day, I somehow expect you to understand where that is coming from.

Do you have to have experience in working with infidelity issues, as a counselor? Or are you going to look at the situation "as is", and identify the things you want to change or address, and go from there, meaning specific BS issues are not that important when it comes to healing ?


Posts: 723 | Registered: Apr 2013
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amber, I think I'm confused on what you're really asking here.

If you're not comfortable with your IC than definitely keep shopping around


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197952 | Registered: May 2002
circe
♀ Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, February 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have to have experience in working with infidelity issues, as a counselor? Or are you going to look at the situation "as is", and identify the things you want to change or address, and go from there, meaning specific BS issues are not that important when it comes to healing ?

My IC was fantastic, but she wasn't a specialist in marriage or infidelity issues per se. She was really, really good at focusing on me, and my reactions, my perceptions, my mental health. So she was perfectly capable of handling an infidelity situation because she was not dealing with my WS's actions, but my feelings and reactions to it. Does that make sense?

I'm not sure which way you're asking that - if your IC will diagnose your WS based on things you say, or if your IC will diagnose and call you out on your own behavior. My IC never diagnosed my husband in absentia, she never told me that it sounded like he was being dishonest or a narcissist or anything, but if I myself were being dishonest or showed narcissistic traits, she'd have addressed it with me for sure.

I think BS-specific issues are part of the human condition.. feeling betrayed, abandoned, filled with sorrow, rage, depression, anger, sadness, etc based on things that have happened to you, so I personally don't think an IC has to be an expert in infidelity to help you. However I do think an IC who has certain misconceptions about infidelity can do a ton of harm to a BS, so obviously if that's your primary need you should screen them in advance by asking them outright how they would handle healing from infidelity.



Posts: 3193 | Registered: Mar 2005
AmberDust
♀ Member
Member # 38904
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went to my third IC appointment this morning.
I am SO relieved to finally be talking to someone that is specialized in relationships and infidelity. Sometimes, when I tell her something, she'll say "Oh, that is totally normal! I've heard that so many times!". I am so glad about that :-) It makes me feel a little less isolated because I have no relatives or friends I can talk to about this. So far, I'm glad to be seeing her!

Posts: 723 | Registered: Apr 2013
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Counseling is more an art form as science. Probably more so. There is no one size fits all solution. You have to find a counselor who works for your personality and what you need.

I've spent a lot of time in consoling. I've seen a lot of really bad counselors and one amazing one. The one I'm currently seeing I'm still on the fence about.

Bottom line if it isn't working for you move on to a different one.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 489 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Counseling is more an art form as science.

And most coaches take that title so they don't have to study enough to get certified as counselors.... I could set myself up as a coach. I'd probably help some people, but it's a good bet I'd harm others - and nobody regulates coaches.

I recommend staying away from coaches unless they're also certified counselors - LCSW, Ph. D in clinical psych, Psy. D., LCPC, psychiatrist, etc.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10166 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 6

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