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User Topic: consequences and punishment
TOMTEFAR
♂ Member
Member # 39257
Default  Posted: 3:23 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, what about child molestation. I know a family where all 4 kids were molested (3 girls, 1 boy). Many times when they were being molested it felt physically good. Do you think that means they were enjoying themselves since it felt good physically?

This is quite different. The Children here is not instigating it as the WS is.

However, to take a spin on your example, No I don't think most would be enjoying themselfs but I'm pretty darn sure that they will have severe problems in their Lifes later on if they did enjoyed themselves. I Think their psycic health would be a lot worse because of the conflicting thoughts regarding this.

[This message edited by TOMTEFAR at 3:26 AM, March 7th (Friday)]


Posts: 106 | Registered: May 2013
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SMS and TOMTEFAR,

I am never disputing the fact of the physical AND emotional highs when our spouses were whoring themselves out. There is NO WAY that there wasn't "excitement" during those romps.

My point, was that today, a remorseful spouse is disgusted at their prior acts. That they don't "reminisce" about the fun they had at that time. While I definitely agree with both of you that they enjoyed the moment, when they revisit that point in time now, they have ZERO excitement...because of all the damage that came with it. I honestly don't believe that a remorseful spouse looks back, and says--"Wow, those were some fun times. Too bad it did so much damage."

That is why I look at it as them not getting away with anything. The cumulative result. They damaged their loved ones, but they damaged themselves....something that you or I can't describe....because we have never done that.

But, I have to admit, this is a very interesting topic. Did I win yet?


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2043 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With the kids thing I was just trying to give an example of how you could have a good physical reaction without having fond memories of it. I Never meant to delve deeper with the example, but yeah-it can screw them up.

Anyway-

Sister started another thread and then agreed that WSs that look back fondly are not remorseful.

The WS enjoyed themselves during the A, but I don't agree that they all "enjoy" the memories in whatever form in the future. But I'm sure some do.

The drug user example skews it because there is a physical dependency on the drug that drives the cravings. I don't believe a similar physical dependency exists for WS. Any "cravings" or fondness they have is emotionally driven.

I still believe that any WS that has fond memories of the A isn't truly remorseful. I think if you were married to such a spouse and trying to R it would be an "off" feeling about their commitment to you. And I think feelings of wanting to punish that WS would only be natural in that situation.



Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1556 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister started another thread and then agreed that WSs that look back fondly are not remorseful.
I have always thought that, BtraydWife. I feel I stated that on page 4 of this thread. Maybe not clearly enough. No, remorseful WS's do not look back fondly on any aspect of the affair. Still doesn't take away from the fact that they enjoyed the sex, some very much so, in the moment.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9547 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
TOMTEFAR
♂ Member
Member # 39257
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My point, was that today, a remorseful spouse is disgusted at their prior acts. That they don't "reminisce" about the fun they had at that time. While I definitely agree with both of you that they enjoyed the moment, when they revisit that point in time now, they have ZERO excitement...because of all the damage that came with it. I honestly don't believe that a remorseful spouse looks back, and says--"Wow, those were some fun times. Too bad it did so much damage."

I agree with you in this. But in this case the WS is thinking about the A and in that context they aren't remembering it as a fun time.

However, say you trigger a memory of the best sex with your AP. The memory doesn't pop up in an A context in your mind. I find it very difficult to agree that the WS wouldn't feel a possitive feeling about this. A min or 2 later they might be feeling bad about it again because then that memeory is put into the A context again. Even worse say you are having sex with your WS and you do something that the AP did realy well and that triggers the emotional memory the WS got with their AP. You are both very Deep into the lovemaking and aroused...

But, I have to admit, this is a very interesting topic. Did I win yet?

I agree it is a very interesting topic but you ahve not won yet. I Think we are 2-2 at the moment.


Posts: 106 | Registered: May 2013
TOMTEFAR
♂ Member
Member # 39257
Default  Posted: 3:52 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The drug user example skews it because there is a physical dependency on the drug that drives the cravings.

You only have a physical dependency to drugs for a few weeks. Once that time has pased it's only a mental dependecy. So I find it quite valid.

Sister started another thread and then agreed that WSs that look back fondly are not remorseful.

I agree, but me and SMS isn't talking about that. It's not that you look fondly back on the A. It's that you will have memories that are fond that will pop up. You might be feeling awfull about the A, not look bakc at it in a fond way what so ever but there are still those "nice" memories that will pop upp. Maybe not in the first few weeks/months/years but down the line I Think that they will.


Posts: 106 | Registered: May 2013
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The "nice" memories you mentioned are the same thing as fond memories. They have pleasurable thoughts regarding the A or they don't. There is no gray or in between area.

It's not like their mind zips them back in time and forces them to enjoy a memory they no longer find enjoyable. They enjoy the memory or they don't. They aren't forced to enjoy it against their will.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1556 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 87
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