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User Topic: Should kids see you date?
Sad in AZ
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Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG! Your kids are trying to set you up with dates!

All kidding aside, if they are starting this behavior, I don't see anything wrong with having the guy pick you up for a date after you've gotten to know him, which seems to be the case for Mr. Date #4. As you say, it sets the precident for your kids regarding dating.

Believe me, your kids are going to figure out that you're sneaking around--they are smart like that

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20287 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
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Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I am rethinking my position about "introductions" and if a man, being respectful and picking me up for a date, is an "introduction".

I think there's a very big difference between the "introduction" at the door, "So-and-so, these are my kids, kids, this is so-and-so" and the "introduction" of them hanging out together. I have a lot of people in my life that my kids know of and know their names, but they are not people my kids hang out with.

I say, if this guy is a great guy, let him come to the door and pick you up like a proper date. If the kids are hanging around, introduce them to your friend. If they're anything like my kids, they'll be distracted by something else within 25 seconds and won't even think twice. He's not going to "register" with them unless he's actually hanging out with them.

3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know."
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2524 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, February 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, darn it. Sitter cancelled for tomorrow night, but still going to see him for lunch.

I don't have to decide on this issue as the date will be over before kids get home.

I think this is a fascinating discussion, and I am leaning toward allowing him to meet me at the door…maybe for date 5?

me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings

Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
♂ Member
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is an interesting and polarizing topic. I don't think there is a right answer. It really depends on your kiddos.

My EW in a year went from married to me, to separated, to divorced, to married. So my kids gained a step father in a years time. They were introduced to him in a matter of weeks after she moved out.

Me, I'm dating and have had some people I've dated for a period of time. Two of them met my kids. One of which spent quality time with my kids once I was ready for that to happen (because kids will hang out with anyone - at least mine will). What does that do for me? It let's me see how they interact with my kids. My kids are still young (8 and 11) and I have a special needs kid. So I want to see how that dynamic works. It will be important long term. Some can say it could become the revolving door. Maybe it does. My kids understand that someone I date today I may not be dating tomorrow. They already know people break up, hell they saw that with their parents. I have already sat with them and explained why their parent broke up. Now I tell them that when people date and break up that is okay. They are not married. For me I want to be sure the person I end up with is good for me AND for them.

Now I totally understand the picking up at the door, being cautious thing. I'm a guy so I always pick up and pay for dates. That's just part of being old school (or just old).

BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 557 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
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Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would meet him up the street. My girls are only 6 and 3.5 but I have vivid memories of my mums dates coming to the door when I was 15 (5 years after we left my dad - NC because he was a dangerous POS) and TBH it felt weird.

There were a lot of different men. Some she only dated once, others a few times, a few for a few months. None ever slept over.

I HATED it. I don't want my girls to see me 'date' - ever. I have 50/50 so it's completely unnecessary in my situation. When I'm serious with someone I'll still probably wait a year or three before introducing them.

For me it's not so much the dating that is the biggest issue - it's the revolving door/breakup part I never want them to go through again. They'll have enough of it every 2-5 years with their dad.

I personally don't subscribe to the notion that kids learn how to date via their parents. Interpersonal relationships (romantic, platonic and familial), yes. Not dating. I know I didn't. It felt so weird to me that the sad clown was the first and only boyfriend my mum ever met. I left home at 17 - 11-odd years later she met him a few months before we married 18m after we met.

Having said that I think it would be more difficult if I had majority custody. Even then it would be a long while and serious before I brought my kids into it. I'd have to be fairly sure he was worth the risk.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
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Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are still kinda talking about it, but dodged the bullet last week since we had to switch to a "day date". For now, we are still working around my custody schedule, and I do have primary custody, but I think this will come up again soon.

Since I am not a revolving door, this is only the second man I've even considered dating with any seriousness in 3 years, I'm not too worried about my kids seeing him pick me up.

I hope it will open a dialogue about dating. It won't be long before my dd is dating, and I want her to talk to ME about it. She watches everything I do and all I've ever said is that I hadn't met anyone special enough to introduce to them, but I do tell them I date when they are gone.

They probably won't even notice. This is just my brain running scenarios.

Great discussion

me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings

Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Topic Posts: 26
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