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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Prayer request please.....
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I continue to struggle.....not hopeless, but confused and frustrated….which could lead to hopelessness feelings.

I am at a point where I am trying to tease apart the abandonment and hurt I felt as a 12 year old boy and that which I feel from my wife's betrayal.


I have come to accept that I was hurt my parents D and my Dads subsequent choice to disappear completely from my life.....re-entering my life as I flew out to see him at age 22.

Due to my FOO issues generated by 12 year old blakesteele I never grieved nor allowed myself to "shatter" that relationship in healthy ways. My coping skills and techniques kept me well insulated from feeling and growing through that pain....which is why I developed those coping skills in the first place.

Like others with not-yet -identified FOO influences....I used and had PLENTY of evidence to " prove" I was just fine, believing I had actually thrived due to my FOO sitch. My own wife helped me believe this was true.....not sinister, but honestly trying to help me out. Things like first college degree in our family, debt free, engaged father and husband, promotions and titles in my career.....all fed into my fantasy that my Dad's action had no effect on me …..and if they did, look how well I did anyway. Who am I to “complain”? I invalidated my own feelings for decades. So much discussion in therapy and books about validating others feelings…..and here I was invalidating my OWN feelings.

Sure I wished my Dad was more a part of my life than he was.....wish that Fathers Day card shopping was easier....but everyone could say that....right? “I am not going to be a victim” was strong in me….and parts of that are healthy. But it was NOT healthy of me to not recognize I had been hurt. As I see my reaction to the betrayal of my wife….it was identical to how I responded as a 12 year old boy. Thinking “I got this, not that big of a deal, lets just get through this”….and this is how 42 year old blakesteele reacted to his wife having an affair. Mercy on me.

I also had habits, addictions, techniques that kept me from feeling the pain I did not want to feel. I used porn to partially satisfy my “relationship need”, I over-achieved to provide a "cushion" from being abandoned, I denied my own feelings so I could avoid being in situations where my needs were actively not met......all of those taste rancid now. I have urges to use porn, volunteer for extra projects at work , NOT put my feelings out to my wife ..... But those urges last about as long as you took to read them.

They simply are no longer an option for me.

This was me for 3 decades.

Summer of my wife's affair I had severe anxiety issues so I found a therapist. Leading up to that I found myself fixating on my relationship with my Dad.....my wife was worn out by my actions.....I was tiring too....thus the therapist.

I believe I was finally recognizing that I had unhealed pain deep within me..... But had come to the conclusion I could not get in touch with it on my own.

3 weeks into that journey...... My first DD happened .
My wife's affair was going on at this same time . Perhaps it is as my therapist said…I was sensing the betrayal even though I did not have any proof or idea it was going on….and that sense linked back to the betrayal 12 year old blakesteele felt.

So I credited my wife's A as THE source of my pain and anxiety.....:and it was, but I had other deep pain too.

Now, it appears to me that I am having trouble teasing apart the pain from being abandoned by my Dad and the pain of being abandoned by my wife.

I think I need to quantify these two distinct pains so as to give each a fair shake.

I have a need to better understand what my true feelings are towards my wife....to feel JUST the pain she inflicted on me and leave my childhood pain as a separate entity. To “see” my wife honestly and with just the pain she caused…

Can this be done? Is this what I am called to do?

I regularly pray for courage.

I have hope.

What I pray for on this is that I go through the doors I am intended to go through , and those doors stay shut to areas I am NOT to go. I am grateful for the growth I have achieved and that some of my coping mechs, such as porn and over-achieving tendencies, are at least being challenged and….so far….not been called back onto the field.

Kicker is…..I don’t yet have a full team from which to play this new game. Some of the players I have called in are rubbing my wife the wrong way….making her defensive as these new players find their niche in my life. To be sure, I am grateful for these new players….just wish one of them could get a hold of the ball and get on base.

Mondays are tough anyway......but am at a pivotal point on my journey.

Prayer works....those of you who pray, I would appreciate a specific prayer today. Thanks.

God be with us all .

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:41 AM, February 24th (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((blakesteele)))


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
ziganska
♀ Member
Member # 41690
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You got it. I pray for you to find peace.


Me: 42
Him: 49
DD: 12/2/2013
Married: 9 years but together for 15
Recovering, Reconciling, Rebuilding, Restoring

Posts: 123 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: New York
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have complete faith that--with the help of your religious beliefs and convictions--you will make it through this battle whole and at peace eventually. It is my prayer that this happens for you sooner than later. Hugs!


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 462 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have the utmost confidence in your capacity to figure this out and work through it, Blake.

I am not sure if we were to fully understand what you are saying here, though:

Kicker is…..I don’t yet have a full team from which to play this new game. Some of the players I have called in are rubbing my wife the wrong way….making her defensive as these new players find their niche in my life. To be sure, I am grateful for these new players….just wish one of them could get a hold of the ball and get on base.
New therapist? New friend?

[This message edited by bionicgal at 11:27 AM, February 24th (Monday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2081 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone....really appreciate the support.

Bionicgal.....I mean I need to develop more healthy ways to "do life" "do relationship". And that means breaking my old coping skills and FEELING my feelings....exploring them before acting or reaching for a coping method BEFORE or EARLY INTO feeling them. Make sense?

This takes lots of forms. SI, journaling, reading, prayer, therapy, weekend retreats, real life friendship development...all have a role.

I would like to interact with my wife without triggering defensiveness in either of us.....and that is what I reference when I talk about getting a runner on base.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:49 AM, February 24th (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
JKL Vikings
♂ Member
Member # 32094
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sending prayers your way


Her- Alpha Female 40
Me-FWH 42
Married since '02, together since 2000
D-day 2/10/2009
3 sons- J- born Oct 2001
K- born Sept. 2005
L- born Apr. 2008
We ALL have issues. It's how we deal with them that makes the difference

Posts: 525 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas, TX
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did request that my wife re-read How To Help Your Spouse again.....she used some of the info but chose not to use other parts of it. Perhaps their is a key to healing that was overlooked in that book? Something that helps me contain or put boundaries around the pain she invited into our M? Kind of a grasp at straws...but seems worth a couple hours of her time.

To be sure....I am not giving up....just aware that I need outside help to move the boulder I am up against. My wifes defensiveness of late (whether it is caused by me or not) limits her ability to assist me on this.

I am feeling my feelings while trying very hard to not defend, ignore, or invalidate them.

I want to more fully understand what is going on inside me, within my M.

To do that I think I need to process more pain.....and I am looking to concentrate on the pain of my wifes affair and leave the pain over my relationship with my Dad be for now.

Is this realistic?

Like so much of this change....it would be easier had I chosen to address it before my wife chose adultery. But I am working in the reality of NOW, not what I would have liked to have been. And that is what I am trying to figure out....what is the reality?

Defensiveness clouds reality....derails healing.

When I am in pain I want to defend against it....which allows me to feel less of it. I guess I would like to know the extent of the pain of my wifes A so I can see an end to this.

As I type that I see just how ridiculous this could be.....

I still fear pain. I see enough of our old ways resurfacing over events of 1 week ago that make me scared. Scared of my wife hurting me again. Scared of me settling for less than I am meant to achieve.....not ENTITLED to, but what is my purpose to.

We have had two therapist tell us now that we need to be vulnerable to each other, express our feelings, give each other the chance to recieve love and give love to the other.....we both know this, but emotionally we have not owned it. Most likely due to internal pains.....

....and that is where I am wanting to tease apart these pains.

Is this interaction a strong result of the betrayal I felt and the guilt my wife feels over her affair? Or is it lingering pain from our childhood pains that we never allowed ourselves to feel (or recognized we had).

As I study abandonment fears....I have to believe my wife has strong fears too. She has not shared with me much on that...so that is me assuming a lot. But it appears her Dad was very much NOT there for her and I suspect it also had a profound affect on her. When asked, she dismisses it pretty quickly in much the same way I used to....."Sure I could have had a better Dad, but he did the best he could" sort of thing.....which DOES resonate with me....but it is that interaction that prohibited me from growing and maturing in ways that would have helped me bond and develop real intimacy with my wife.

Thanks for the support......

God be with us all.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:12 PM, February 24th (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending prayers your way.... I appreciate the prayers you always offer up for everyone else.

Adding a prayer for everyone affected by infidelity....


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 721 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sending lots of positive thoughts your way. I do want to say to try to be patient with yourself. It took a long time for you to become who you are and a lot if different things influenced that. Expecting ourselves to change more quickly because we now recognize the destructive patterns/coping skills we had is setting ourselves up for failure. It takes a lot if time to learn new habits.

You have a lot going in but an honest and true passion to be better. That is courage!


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Kyrie
♀ Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blakesteel, thanks for reaching out to us. Asking for help and prayers is such a sign of maturity. I've said before, you are growing so much. It is evident in all that you write. Wondering if you're experiencing growing pains?

My father left my family, too, after having an 4-year long A that produced a child. Like you, my H's A churned up all those hurts that I thought I had resolved. To say my FOO have complicated R would be an understatement. I didn't realize that there is still this young person inside of me that is hurting and is still so desperate.

I have a need to better understand what my true feelings are towards my wife....to feel JUST the pain she inflicted on me and leave my childhood pain as a separate entity. To “see” my wife honestly and with just the pain she caused…

Can this be done? Is this what I am called to do?

In my opinion, no. You cannot bifurcate yourself. Not only is it practically impossible to do, you'll end up like Voldemort. And we all know how that worked for him.

No, the 12 year old boy is a part of you and always will be. We may grow older, and we may leave our childhood behind, but we don't leave our child selves in the past. So when you get hurt, every part of you gets hurt. Your 12 year old boy's memories are significant and the pain you're feeling from being betrayed has reactivated that aspect of yourself. From deep within you, the hurts are crying out for relief.

Your dad is not around to address your pain, but your wife is. So it's only natural for you to be very confused about your feelings for her. I don't think you can separate the two, no matter how practical it may seem.

I tried to do this and failed miserably. I kept expecting relief from the outside (church, IC, MC, retreats, even my fWH,) but the pain and confusion would not go away.

Finally, my IC gave me a way to visualize what I have to do to deal with the inner turmoil and conflict. This has helped me so much. She said to visualize my child self. Really focus on the image of myself as a child. Then see my child self hurting from all the pain of rejection, betrayal and loss. She'd say, can you see her? What's she doing? And I'd say, she's crying and she's afraid. (This is not an easy thing to do, by the way.)

Then she had me visualize myself as an adult when I am at my best, especially when I'm at my best as a parent. She'd ask, so what does that look like? For me, strong, gentle, present, thoughtful, and wise.

She then said to visualize my adult self going to my hurting child self and comforting my child self. She'd say, think through exactly what that looks like. Well, that was easy because I do that all the time with my own children. I just visualized the child me in place of my own kids. She'd say, what are you saying, how are you feeling?

Then she'd say, now place yourself between the child and all the things that are hurting the child and say to the child, it's OK, I will take care of this. And then she'd talk me through how I would actually speak on behalf of my child self to all that was causing the child distress.

Oh my gosh, the things I said! It was such a powerful experience, cathartic even. And every so often, I would visualize myself turning around and hugging the child, but then turning back around and continuing to speak on behalf of the child - me.

We did this activity several times and every time, new stuff would come out. What's amazing is that now I am really good at retrieving this image whenever hurts, fears, doubts or anger start to bubble to the surface. I cannot tell you how this endeavor has helped to create a sense of wholeness and control. It's powerful!

I guess I finally figured out that no thing and no person can heal me from the damage done by my H or my dad. These two men took something from me and the only person who could get it back is me. And I can't get it back by doing external things. It absolutely had to come from within. My therapist calls this self intimacy - and it's something that people with our history seldom develop on our own because the parent who was supposed to instill this and nurture it simply left. We have to become the parent to our selves that our own parents failed to be.

I may have lost you on all this, Blakesteel. In fact, this may only work because I am such a visual person. But whatever the technique, the outcome is still critical - developing self intimacy. Becoming a protector, healer and advocate for your vulnerable self. Allowing the vulnerable self to find comfort in your adult, responsible, mature self. Letting the adult self speak on behalf of your child self. Make sense?

I guess it does sound a little like bifurcation, but hopefully you can see a difference. This is all of you working within. Trying to segment out parts of ourselves to deal with the external is a hopeless endeavor. Voldemort and our waywards certainly proved that.

I am praying for you, brother. You are going to be OK. You have more than proven you are capable of being the man your father wasn't. Just look how far you've come! There are so many men in the world with stories like your own who would have collapsed under the weight of it all and would have resorted to following in their parent's footsteps. No, something is already at work within you that is choosing to take a different path. You do have an amazing team. You are choosing the right players and you are determined to play by the rules. But I think you need to recognize that one of your key players is you.

I will continue to pray for you, Blakesteel, thaT God will help you stay true to who you are called to be - a good man who chooses to struggle with the hard stuff, no matter how frustrating or confusing it may be, no matter how tempting it is to escape, because he has hope in something greater than what he's experienced so far.

Take care - PEACE


Me: BW (47), WH (48)
Married 24 yrs, 2 teenagers
DD#1 01.20.12 When diagnosed w/STD
Told it was 15 mo. PA that ended 6 years ago
DD#2 04.06.14 Truth: PA was 2yrs/8mo
Separated for 6 weeks
Reconciling and healing now

Posts: 203 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
beautytoashes5
♀ Member
Member # 41900
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Blakesteele))) prayers your way. Take care.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Southern California
Kyrie
♀ Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, Blakesteel, this book "Living and Loving After Betrayal" by Steven Stosny. Oh my gosh, this helped so much. Again - healing comes from within, not from your spouse. PEACE


Me: BW (47), WH (48)
Married 24 yrs, 2 teenagers
DD#1 01.20.12 When diagnosed w/STD
Told it was 15 mo. PA that ended 6 years ago
DD#2 04.06.14 Truth: PA was 2yrs/8mo
Separated for 6 weeks
Reconciling and healing now

Posts: 203 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
Crushed15Feb13
♂ Member
Member # 38846
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't pray anymore, it just seems to have left me. But I will keep you in my thoughts, Blakesteele.

I have heard many people recommend Pema Chodron's books, so I bought one called "When Things Fall Apart". I haven't finished it yet, but it seems to be a very calming read; different from anything I have read so far.



Me: BH, 54
Her: WW, 54 4 yr LTA
Married 32 yrs, 2 college age boys
DDay #1: 15Feb13 - LTA 2008-2013
DDay #2: 27Jan14 - ONS, same AP 2007 - turns out it was a 6 yr LTA
Trying to understand

Posts: 258 | Registered: Mar 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Positive thoughts for you and Mrs. B.

Slow and steady....


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kyrie....that process...the one you explained so elequently.....THAT DOES WORK!!!!!

Some of the most noticeable growth I have experienced was a direct result of this exercise.

I read about it in a book and my IC touched on it a bit too. The book I read about it also encourged me to recognize not only 12 year old blakesteele and 42 year old blakesteele....but a third entity. A teenager who is ready to fight to defind the 12 year old boy. It is called "Big". When little is hurting BIG tries to be the judge, jury and prosecuter of the source of the pain....which is always external and is a waste of effort. Most of the time Big just makes things worse.

It is 42 year old blakesteeles job to keep that arrogant teenager from making the situation worse, more scary for 12 year old blakesteele.


Anyway....I am a visual person too. Parables and analogies....love to learn that way.

I see what you are saying.....I have to do this for myself. Big thinks it grossly unfair. Little is in sooo much pain. 42 year old feels the weight and has had trouble keeping Big in his place while he consoles little.

I have requested my wife quit tones such as "poor blakesteele...can't handle a little f-you statement now and then". I get she is in pain too....but that really triggers Big to want to piss back.

But even THAT interaction has changed. I talk about the pain she causes me with those comments...but I am getting better and better at resisting showing her the same response in return.


I also am aware that Big very much wants to use porn....Little doesn't want that, he wants relationhship. Big had his time in the light.....3 decades worth of it! Again, I have successfully kept Big in his place and NOT used porn in over a year........have determined that I used porn when I felt isolated and alone. This is where my relationship with God has had the greatest influence in breaking this coping skill. I use that isolated feeling as a time to visit with God. It serves two purposes....it keeps me from a former sin and it nurtures my intimacy with God. I get this now.

(((Kyrie))) I had tears in my eyes as I read your response to me...and I am at work getting ready to be debriefed from my teams activities for the day!!! While I may have known all that you wrote of, I did not know you would care enough to spend such time expressing it to me. Thank you and God bless you.

Peace be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:15 PM, February 24th (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
SadFlower
♀ Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're on my prayer list, Blakesteele. Blessings to you, and your wife as well, as you navigate these choppy waters.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The final part of that process...the part I am working on now....is to visualize "mature blakesteele"....that man sometime in the future that I desire to be. The one who I actively and intentionally want to become through this process and through choices the rest of my life.

Just like my marriage was one of what I DIDN'T want.....the man I was aiming for was to be "NOT my Dad". Kind of a dreadful statement...isn't it?

It is refreshing to have a clear idea of who I want to be and what M I want to be a part of!

I get that to become that man the only limiting factor is.......me. So my wife has no role in that.....I believe this is what you are telling me too.

That part freshens me a bit.....the pain of my wifes A is still tremendous....but I do see promise in my future.

I have asked her to re-read How to Help book again....see if their is any part of that which she would willingly do NOW that she wasn't THEN (the first time she read it....still in fog, not committed to her M to me).

I may have falsely believed she could take actions my Dad was unwilling to....and therefore I could visualize a stark difference between the two. I know she is NOT my Dad...but the pain she caused is linked hard to that pain he caused me....Crazy thoughts?????

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

19 months out....I AM impatient.

I don't pray for patience....an elderly lady told me once "I use to pray for patience....God just kept allowing trials to enter my life. So I just stopped praying for patience!"

This was a 5:30 am conversation at a local diner......I had just finished praying a prayer for patience, to NOT react out of fear or vengence or anger or pain. Only one other patron in the place...an elderly couple sitting across the room from me.

I opened my eyes from my prayer and she was standing at the edge of my table....smiled down at me and said what I quoted above.


I could not respond to her....she just turned and went back to her husband. I don't remember them leaving....don't remember eating my food. I just remember feeling awe-struck.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:14 PM, February 24th (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Kyrie
♀ Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you have tremendous patience, Blakesteele.

Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by doing that some have entertained angels without knowing it.

I may have falsely believed she could take actions my Dad was unwilling to....and therefore I could visualize a stark difference between the two. I know she is NOT my Dad...but the pain she caused is linked hard to that pain he caused me....Crazy thoughts?????

Not crazy at all. Absolutely understandable.

Little and Big and the adult you need to embrace one another and honor the pain you each have endured. It's OK to feel this pain. Feeling it and acknowledging it will not destroy you. God is always there with you.

Peace


Me: BW (47), WH (48)
Married 24 yrs, 2 teenagers
DD#1 01.20.12 When diagnosed w/STD
Told it was 15 mo. PA that ended 6 years ago
DD#2 04.06.14 Truth: PA was 2yrs/8mo
Separated for 6 weeks
Reconciling and healing now

Posts: 203 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
Topic Posts: 24
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