He spent many years telling me he needed more affection and sex from me. I tried IC, MC, hormones, you name it but I came to the conclusion, at that time though now I know differently, that I was an under-affectionate and low-sexed female. I didn't want to be that way, it frustrated the hell out of me. We would occasionally fight about it and I'm not proud that I would tell him it was his problem when I would get really frustrated. This hurt him terribly, I know now, and I have apologized profusely.
You can see how I feel I am the cause of his affair, and indirectly, all the pain I'm going through now. I in no way feel like I deserved his affair, but with his low self esteem, poor coping skills and inability to speak up for himself, I see how it happened. Still hurts like hell.
So we are just over 1 year into this process and I can tell he really wishes to be done with any more affair talk. I think he sees that he's processing his pain over the way I treated him in our old marriage, so maybe I should be close to done too.
Honestly, I am done with most of the questions, but I want him to graciously accept my recovery in my own time. Mostly because I don't think you can compare the two hurts. They're so different. He had free will to push me into more therapy or even leave me, but I had no choice in his affair.
He has never cried, gave me the empathy I craved or exhibited true remorse and I think it's because he might think the two hurts cancel each other out.
Me BS 51
Him WS 50
Married 21 years
It is certainly not a contest to see who hurts more. If he was so damaged by your treatment of him, then he should be able to empathize with your pain. He needs to demonstrate remorse. I see that you have already apologized for being less affectionate, but where is his apology?
You have to listen to yourself and respect your feelings. This is about basic decency. You don't need to do it in anger, but you have to stay true to yourself and hope he can give you what you need.
Every marriage has problems, but his solution was terribly selfish and could have easily destroyed the marriage. There is more to a relationship than the physical side, and he needs to respect you as a person in my opinion.
I'm seeing the kind of man he is when the chips are down - I don't love what I see.
[This message edited by peoplepleaser at 12:24 AM, February 24th (Monday)]
Oh, and you have a healing timeline HE decided on?
He's manipulating, rugsweeping, and not anywhere near recovery and reconciliation.
Please stop making excuses for him. Please stop blaming yourself for HIS affair. He chose to cheat. He could have told you how he was feeling before making that choice. He didn't.
And now he is cheating you and your marriage out of a chance to heal, grow, and reconcile.
Are you willing to stand for this? And forever know deep down he betrayed your marriage and heart, but YOU then betrayed YOU by not being true to YOU.
He needs to be shown a line in the sand, and told "these are my conditions to continue in this marriage". Make it a good long list that tells him what YOU need to heal from HIS infidelity.
Stop letting him blame you for his behavior. And blame you for his unwillingness to do the work for recovery.
Sheesh! Some waywards....
[This message edited by JustDesserts at 5:50 AM, February 24th (Monday)]
Feel free to share that with your H.
And, btw, I set our car on fire because it needed an oil change AND new wiper blades!
A picture tells a thousand words. Show him that picture, tryingeverything. Maybe print it out and put it somewhere for him to discover.
Our situation was very similar, except my H blamed me for the lack of intimacy, and honestly, I thought my low libido was my problem, too. It turns out it was partly what he wasn't giving in other areas that caused me to feel disconnected, and sex became a "should" and not a "want" for me. It was a horrible way to live.
So anyway, there is hope that it can be better, and your H has to recognize that what he did was categorically wrong - going outside the marriage to fix a problem in the marriage never works. My H is very articulate in expressing the hurt and pain that my seeming lack of desire for him caused him, and yes -- that was a large reason he had an affair, but it is not an excuse. The affair was categorically wrong, and he acknowledges that.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 11:25 AM, February 24th (Monday)]
I edit, therefore I am.
Our situation was very similar, except my H blamed me for the lack of intimacy, and honestly, I thought my low libido was my problem, too. It turns out it was partly what he wasn't giving in other ares that caused me to feel disconnected, and sex became a "should" and not a "want" for me. It was a horrible way to live.
Bionicgal, just like you my lack of desire for him was due to the lack of connection in our marriage. Sex was only a 'should' for me for many years - that was no way to live.
Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, when I read to him what I posted on SI he got angry and said he didn't want to hear what anybody had to say about our marriage. That they could never understand the depth of pain he feels about my rejection of him those years. That I should only talk to him about our problems.
I'm about to restart IC tomorrow. I have urged him to do the same but he is reluctant because he says IC may reveal that we just aren't right for each other, or I might not like what IC brings out in him.
He continues to avoid the hard conversations. Makes me feel like I'm just not worth the hard work.
There is healing, growth and understanding.
Everyone's road is different and many are painful. To minimize one's hurt to excuse yourself id selfish and childish.
He isn't a safe partner to R with if he hasn't been able to come to terms with the trauma he has inflicted upon you.
Take care of and heal yourself, he needs to find his own way.
Tell him "NO, we are not even darling. When you have a health problem and I want sex, and you can't fullfil me, I will go out and find a cowboy and have my sex. Then we will be EVEN.
If that's what you want, tell me, if not, close your mouth and DO the HARD WORK R needs. Capish?"
"You can't fix a broken man, but he can break you"