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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He thinks we're even?
tryingeverything
♀ New Member
Member # 42355
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH and I had a heated conversation the other night and I'm trying to sort through something he said. He said he feels that his affair was equal to the the way I treated him in our previous marriage.

He spent many years telling me he needed more affection and sex from me. I tried IC, MC, hormones, you name it but I came to the conclusion, at that time though now I know differently, that I was an under-affectionate and low-sexed female. I didn't want to be that way, it frustrated the hell out of me. We would occasionally fight about it and I'm not proud that I would tell him it was his problem when I would get really frustrated. This hurt him terribly, I know now, and I have apologized profusely.

You can see how I feel I am the cause of his affair, and indirectly, all the pain I'm going through now. I in no way feel like I deserved his affair, but with his low self esteem, poor coping skills and inability to speak up for himself, I see how it happened. Still hurts like hell.

So we are just over 1 year into this process and I can tell he really wishes to be done with any more affair talk. I think he sees that he's processing his pain over the way I treated him in our old marriage, so maybe I should be close to done too.

Honestly, I am done with most of the questions, but I want him to graciously accept my recovery in my own time. Mostly because I don't think you can compare the two hurts. They're so different. He had free will to push me into more therapy or even leave me, but I had no choice in his affair.

He has never cried, gave me the empathy I craved or exhibited true remorse and I think it's because he might think the two hurts cancel each other out.

Any advice?

Me BS 51
Him WS 50
Married 21 years
DD 2/12/13


Me: BW 51
Him: WH 51
DDay: 2/12/13
Married 21 years
DD 15

Posts: 17 | Registered: Feb 2014
KatyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41245
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Going outside of the marriage to solve problems within the marriage is misguided to say the least. You are right that your WH had every opportunity to say the lack of affection was a dealbreaker, instead of wreaking this devastation upon your marriage. My sense is that he is being terribly selfish in demanding you complete your healing on a certain timeline. And his decision to cheat was his alone. Perhaps he needs therapy as to why he could not stand up for himself, but that is not your problem.

It is certainly not a contest to see who hurts more. If he was so damaged by your treatment of him, then he should be able to empathize with your pain. He needs to demonstrate remorse. I see that you have already apologized for being less affectionate, but where is his apology?

You have to listen to yourself and respect your feelings. This is about basic decency. You don't need to do it in anger, but you have to stay true to yourself and hope he can give you what you need.

Every marriage has problems, but his solution was terribly selfish and could have easily destroyed the marriage. There is more to a relationship than the physical side, and he needs to respect you as a person in my opinion.


Married 7 years, together for 14
Me: BS Him: chronic boundary issues, EA for 2 years, DD Spring 2013

Posts: 180 | Registered: Nov 2013
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have the same problem. I am dumbfounded by this assertion every time. The comparison is just another layer of cruelty and wreaks of lack of remorse. It minimizes the gift of R given to the WS by the BS. I'm sorry you are dealing with this too. It's painful.


WS: 38--2 EAs
BS: 38--me, faithful
DS: 5
8 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 512 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
tryingeverything
♀ New Member
Member # 42355
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the kind words. It just helps to have someone understand me. The one friend who knows just cannot relate, we tried 2 MC's and IC's with varying success - you all are the only one's that just 'get it.' Sometimes I think I'm going crazy because I just can't get him to understand how it feels.

I'm seeing the kind of man he is when the chips are down - I don't love what I see.


Me: BW 51
Him: WH 51
DDay: 2/12/13
Married 21 years
DD 15

Posts: 17 | Registered: Feb 2014
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the exact same place, and not liking what I see. It's hurtful. I'm trying to remember that the person I'm seeing us or probably still dealing with walls built to protect her from the realizations of the worst of what she was capable of doing to someone she loves. I hope that time will eventually reveal the goodness I treasured in her that was her ability to empathize, nurture and show tremendous compassion. At this point, though, not getting that from her feels like an extension of the betrayal or even an added betrayal. I'm not sure how couples get through this, but damnit I'm willing to try. That willingness seems a huge gift to give someone that minimizes your pain, though.

[This message edited by peoplepleaser at 12:24 AM, February 24th (Monday)]


WS: 38--2 EAs
BS: 38--me, faithful
DS: 5
8 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 512 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a wayward husband and I call BS (i.e. bullshit) on everything your WH is saying. The cheater gets to play armchair counselor and give himself a "get out of jail free because my delusional self says so" card? Really? I'm sorry...what planet does he live on?!?!

Oh, and you have a healing timeline HE decided on?

He's manipulating, rugsweeping, and not anywhere near recovery and reconciliation.

Please stop making excuses for him. Please stop blaming yourself for HIS affair. He chose to cheat. He could have told you how he was feeling before making that choice. He didn't.

And now he is cheating you and your marriage out of a chance to heal, grow, and reconcile.

Are you willing to stand for this? And forever know deep down he betrayed your marriage and heart, but YOU then betrayed YOU by not being true to YOU.

He needs to be shown a line in the sand, and told "these are my conditions to continue in this marriage". Make it a good long list that tells him what YOU need to heal from HIS infidelity.

Stop letting him blame you for his behavior. And blame you for his unwillingness to do the work for recovery.

Sheesh! Some waywards....

Good luck.

JD

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 5:50 AM, February 24th (Monday)]


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feel free to share that with your H.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2654 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HFSSC...that's lol. Nearly blew my coffee through my nose.

And, btw, I set our car on fire because it needed an oil change AND new wiper blades!

A picture tells a thousand words. Show him that picture, tryingeverything. Maybe print it out and put it somewhere for him to discover.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your dday isn't that recent, but yes -- this is likely what he told himself to allow him to have the affair.

Our situation was very similar, except my H blamed me for the lack of intimacy, and honestly, I thought my low libido was my problem, too. It turns out it was partly what he wasn't giving in other areas that caused me to feel disconnected, and sex became a "should" and not a "want" for me. It was a horrible way to live.

So anyway, there is hope that it can be better, and your H has to recognize that what he did was categorically wrong - going outside the marriage to fix a problem in the marriage never works. My H is very articulate in expressing the hurt and pain that my seeming lack of desire for him caused him, and yes -- that was a large reason he had an affair, but it is not an excuse. The affair was categorically wrong, and he acknowledges that.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 11:25 AM, February 24th (Monday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1738 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your dday isn't that recent, but yes -- this is likely what he told himself to allow him to have the affair.

Our situation was very similar, except my H blamed me for the lack of intimacy, and honestly, I thought my low libido was my problem, too. It turns out it was partly what he wasn't giving in other ares that caused me to feel disconnected, and sex became a "should" and not a "want" for me. It was a horrible way to live.

So anyway, there is hope that it can be better, and your H has to recognize that what he did was categorically wrong - going outside the marriage to fix a problem in the marriage never works. My H is very articulate in expressing the hurt and pain that my seeming lack of desire for him caused him, and yes -- that was a large reason he had an affair, but it is not an excuse. The affair was categorically wrong, and he acknowledges that.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1738 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
KatyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41245
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice breaking news! Hilarious


Married 7 years, together for 14
Me: BS Him: chronic boundary issues, EA for 2 years, DD Spring 2013

Posts: 180 | Registered: Nov 2013
tryingeverything
♀ New Member
Member # 42355
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the laughs, HFSSC, and all the encouraging remarks.

Bionicgal, just like you my lack of desire for him was due to the lack of connection in our marriage. Sex was only a 'should' for me for many years - that was no way to live.

Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, when I read to him what I posted on SI he got angry and said he didn't want to hear what anybody had to say about our marriage. That they could never understand the depth of pain he feels about my rejection of him those years. That I should only talk to him about our problems.

I'm about to restart IC tomorrow. I have urged him to do the same but he is reluctant because he says IC may reveal that we just aren't right for each other, or I might not like what IC brings out in him.

He continues to avoid the hard conversations. Makes me feel like I'm just not worth the hard work.


Me: BW 51
Him: WH 51
DDay: 2/12/13
Married 21 years
DD 15

Posts: 17 | Registered: Feb 2014
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no "even" when you are in a marriage with 2 healthy people.

There is healing, growth and understanding.

Everyone's road is different and many are painful. To minimize one's hurt to excuse yourself id selfish and childish.

He isn't a safe partner to R with if he hasn't been able to come to terms with the trauma he has inflicted upon you.

Take care of and heal yourself, he needs to find his own way.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3759 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Melian40
♀ Member
Member # 41205
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HFSSC
Exactly this!

Tell him "NO, we are not even darling. When you have a health problem and I want sex, and you can't fullfil me, I will go out and find a cowboy and have my sex. Then we will be EVEN.
If that's what you want, tell me, if not, close your mouth and DO the HARD WORK R needs. Capish?"


BW-me:40
BH-him:41
DD-age 9
Together 7 years, married 17 years
DD1:8/12/2013 -OW1-PA 1.5 months in 2009
DD2:8/17/2013 - OW2-EA Spring 2013- He tried to hit on her but she denied.

"You can't fix a broken man, but he can break you"


Posts: 149 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 14

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