knowing she is not in remorse now but is committed to the marriage
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
My question is, knowing she is not in remorse now but is committed to the marriage, does remorse eventually come?
Listen to me: even if you do reconcile, you'll never forget--even years from now--how long it took her to come around...how long she was willing to watch you suffer and refuse to budge.
She is re-shaping the image of who she is that you'll carry around with you for the rest of your marriage. She's teaching you that when the shit hits the fan, she is an unreliable support, and you're best taking care of yourself before putting yourself in emotional jeopardy for her sake.
Whether she thinks she's doing it or not, she's defining the intimacy ceiling for her future with you. Most of us are not bottomless wells of compassion.
Second, one post mentioned that if the WS shows compassion and understanding for the BS, then who is there for the WS. That resonates with my situation. Though my WS isn't romanticizing the EAs, she is clinging to the relationship problems that preceded her choice to stray. She's clinging to the idea that she (without my expectation or knowledge) sacrificed all of herself to rescue me from any emotion I had in our first 8 years together. I'm wondering if your WW is using the AP as a projection of that. It might be less that the A made her feel good and more that doing something independently to meet a need she decided needed filled outside the relationship (wrongly) is what she's clinging to.
In my case, WS is making really good and really difficult progress in IC with regard to what was broken in her that led her to think that an EA was an option. At this point it seems she is identifying aspects of her behavior and assumed role in our relationship that led to both the relationship issues and her ability to stray. It seems she is struggling with linking them to my pain and the damage caused, because her discoveries of herself and the implied defense and blatant minimization of the EAs contradict depending on the conversation. It's very difficult and very lonely right now because of it. It is my hope that as she continues to make progress on herself and as we enter into MC, this link will occur and I will see remorse. It's a lot to hope and wait for though. And the wait for it was described by another post very well...it feels like the longer I wait the more I'm being betrayed.
If you aren't doing it, I highly recommend both of you do IC and MC. You HAVE to find an MC that is knowledgable about As though. In my own experience and from reading threads on SI, that can be challenging. It can also be very damaging to the BS and the relationship otherwise.
I hope that you two get there. I hope that we do too. This is so much harder than I thought, but I also never thought I'd stay after an affair. Time will tell, I suppose. Hugs to you.
What she's showing you now suggests that she's far from remorse.
That's one of the most horrible feelings of the first year. Not knowing where things are.
If you're looking for direction on what to do, here it is:
You have no way of controlling your wife and steering her toward remorse. Give that up. (not easy and very painful)
You control yourself. Build yourself up. (takes great strength)
In time you'll know whether you want to stay or not stay with your WW. When that day comes she might be remorseful, she might not. You'll be strong enough to accept the situation.
It's scary. Stay strong.
We understand it is too soon for you to hear that you must take a hard stand on this one...you feel you love her so therefore you will give her time. Yet you are asking us all here how much time? And no one can tell you that because it is an unknown.
We can however tell you that the longer this all takes the chance the WS is taking in losing it all. Because you will get angry, as WAL said above your WS is setting the bar right now for intimacy in your marriage, she is teaching you that you cannot trust her to do the right thing, that she will pick her wants and needs first. And it will start to eat away at you every day like water torture. By getting tough and demanding she get rid of those emails and facebook or twitter or whatever way she has of keeping information you are telling her to finally rip the bandaid off and take the risk of just loving you.
Thats when the real healing will begin. But not before.
After d-day every trace of OW was removed from our house. Including all communications, e-mails,txts etc, deleted without asking by my H (I have hard copies stashed away in case). There wasn't much but we had known her and her H for years so there were odd old xmas presents floating around. No way on earth did my H want to keep anything associated with her. That's real remorse. 6 months out and you should be getting worried. Sorry.