[This message edited by NoMorDeceit at 2:53 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]
I used to watch friends, family, and co-workers in the midst of affairs, and always told my WH that I didn't understand it. Why do people cheat rather than leave?
I always said that I would leave and never look back if someone cheated on me. But I stayed. I was devastated and shocked. I wanted to believe everything he said. I found out he was still contacting her. He apologized, We tried again.
The reason I haven't divorced him yet is because I'm still confused. Embarrassed. Humiliated. Hurt. And some strange part of me knows that I'm not ready yet to throw this all away. But each day I get stronger. I start to figure things out.
I'm seeing an attorney again this week.
I am the MOST innocent OW there ever was - really. I was engaged and 6 weeks before our big wedding he (another man not the one I later loved so much) eloped with another woman. It hurt but quite frankly I was really glad to be rid of him as I'd felt pressured into the wedding.
My ex fiancé has stalked me and professed undying love for DECADES. I have seen him twice - never alone and never planned. And have told him I have NO interest in ever being with him. I find him utterly disgusting.
I guess I would be considered the OW as he still believes that I am the love of his life - but I have done NOTHING to encourage him.
He'd cheated with a zillion other women during his marriage. I even told his wife to make him leave me alone so she knows what he is like. I have no clue why someone would stay in a situation like that but it is none of my business. I do not want him - ever under any circumstances.
[This message edited by Oftencheatedon at 5:05 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]
Both affairs were, I think, ego boosts for someone who's always felt lacking (if you knew his story...childhood... family...you'd get it) and the affairs allowed him to play the hero to damsels in distress...which is one thing I never gave him. I've always been strong and independent and while I think he loves that about me and takes pride in it on one level...it never made him feel needed. That's all just my take on it...but its what I believe.
One of our biggest issues is that he never told me about them...ended them immediately and in tears of remorse...but I found out about them on my own. The first was years ago...the most recent dday was this past fall. I was always so sure I'd leave if he cheated...just pack up and be done...but that didn't happen...and now he gets yet another chance...and I can't for the life of me tell you why. I am approaching things differently this time...and have told him that my plans for the future now have two possible paths...and he's only on one of them...that my long term planning is now me focused because it has to be.
I don't know if I can ever get back to feeling safe with him...but (once the fury passed)...he is still my friend...and am still able to enjoy being with him in the interim...albeit with an undercurrent of overwhelming sadness at this point. He's doing and saying everything right so I plan to give it some time. If I'm unable to get that feeling of security back in my life...then I'll need to decide whether or not I can live with that. I have told him that there are no gaurantees at this point...but that, regardless...he's out of second chances...that if it happens again...there will not even be a chance of saving our marriage...and I believe myself, and in myself, completely at this point...I feel like I KNOW what I'm saying...and I KNOW that I mean it.
So I don't know....while our kids are a factor... I honestly think that if our marriage hadn't been as good as it was...if we didn't get along so well and truly enjoy our time together...I think it would be a non-question...cause I would already be gone.
But I will admit I can feel like an idiot...because I think there are a ton of people that would look at me as three steps past stupid for even considering reconciliation at this point...and I can't say for sure that they'd be wrong. Only time will tell.
[This message edited by ladycody at 4:20 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)]
you all kind of put the line in the sand after true reconciliation has started. I guess I agree there. Once they say and do a lot to try to rebuild the marriage and get on track, getting off track after that really is unacceptable.
I agree with this! If H were to cheat now, after all we've been through that would be it. His fog has cleared and he's seen what I've been through and am still going through at times. For him to start it all again would be the biggest slap in the face and truly unforgivable for me.
I never thought I'd be cheated on the first time. I thought if it happened I'd be out of there, but I stayed. I stayed for the kids, for the man I knew my H was and could be again and I stayed for myself. I didn't want to start over if I didn't have to.
I do know with utmost certainty, if it happens again I will not be as stunned, I will know how to react and I will leave. H also knows this.
I often wonder the same thing. And its also a BIG fear of mine...
I can understand when DDAYS are close, or say that DDAY 2 is new information learned or something like that, but when its multiple DDAYS, like one every couple of years...why do people stay? I don't understand.
And I fear that there is a possibility that could be me one day. I always thought if WBF ever cheated I'd be "Out that door so fast!!" and that didn't happen. And now I tell myself that if there ever was a second DDAY, I'd do the same. The last 8 months have been a literal HELL, and there's no way I'd ever want to relive that. Just the thought makes my stomach turn.
At what point do we realize that the person betraying us will never change, and maybe that's just who they are?
Maybe its the fear of thinking that we'll never find love again? Or because there are children involved? I guess there are too many factors to say for sure.
I can only hope that one time around this merry go round of infidelity is enough for me. If it ever happens again, I hope I have the strength and self respect to walk out and live a better life.
Together 7 years
DDay: June 24, 2013
If it ever happens again, I hope I have the strength and self respect to walk out and live a better life.
[This message edited by ladycody at 12:33 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)]
None of us ever plan to be here, its easy to say if it happened you'd leave..but once it does, you dont know how you'll react.
My gut...My heart
Those are the two things I follow always. My gut and my heart told me something wasnt right but they also told me to stay!!
My second DD came 1 month after my first DD....while we were in regular counseling.....helpede get in touch w righteous anger!
A confession after months of TT'ing revealed my wife broke NC a week after my second DD via an email....fAP did not nibble at the bait she cast to him.
So my wife was heavy in the fog, never stopped her A....so I lump it all together.
NOW, 19 months out and lots of IC.....here is why I continue to offer R .
First, I see areas that my actions hurt our M pre-A. I want to make amends for that and learn new ways to be in a relationship.
Second, I see more clearly now how my wife's patterns allowed adultery to be an option for her. Patterns that were there, within her, before we even met. Patterns that should have been big flags during our dating and engagement period,...but we were both so ignorant. I see her nibbling at changing this....am curious to witness the results.
Third, we do have children. I want to model more healthy relationship to them than my wife and I did this far. I want to see for myself that I can change. I want to see if I can do what I now know I should do. Wife and I had zero role models to observe growing up. If i D now , our girls will be in the same spot we were back then..... D parents wrestling w the pain of D, part time parents, and our girls will pay the same price weare paying. That debt stops here.
What will I do if my wife chooses adultery or adultery-enabling activities????
Humble enough now to say......I don't know.
I pray for courage many times a day.
Changing yourself is scary and tough. Offering R to a person who hurt you deeper and more severe than I thought humanly possible is scary and tough. Adultery is easy....all sin is easy.
I am grateful for my tenacity and fight instinct.... But I have been humbled enough by this experience to NOW blakesteele is not doing this on his own.
God be with us all.
I stay because I am comfortable with him. We have history together, four children who are my pride and joy. He is a physician and we have been together since high school. I don't know any other life.
I am sure I still love him to some degree, but not like I used to. I used to basically kiss the ground he walked on. And then I was so busy kissing the ground, he walked right on top of me and said I didn't treat him nice. Put the kids before him.
But I am in so very much pain right now.i am not sure how much longer I can take this.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...