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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: For those with 2nd D-Day...why do you stay?
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of his D-Days came within the same week or two. Once the door was open, I found out about all of them. Some days I found out about more than one women at a time too. He threw the whole lot of them under the bus and committed to R right away. Another D-Day after that would have been lights out. That is why I stayed.

[This message edited by NoMorDeceit at 2:53 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 537 | Registered: Apr 2009
Livingalie2014
♀ Member
Member # 42332
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope.

I used to watch friends, family, and co-workers in the midst of affairs, and always told my WH that I didn't understand it. Why do people cheat rather than leave?

I always said that I would leave and never look back if someone cheated on me. But I stayed. I was devastated and shocked. I wanted to believe everything he said. I found out he was still contacting her. He apologized, We tried again.

The reason I haven't divorced him yet is because I'm still confused. Embarrassed. Humiliated. Hurt. And some strange part of me knows that I'm not ready yet to throw this all away. But each day I get stronger. I start to figure things out.

I'm seeing an attorney again this week.


In three words I can sum up everything I learned about life: It goes on - Robert Frost

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Lost
Oftencheatedon
♀ Member
Member # 41268
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, February 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As an outside observer I often wonder this myself. Although the man (he never married me) who was the love of my life I forgave time and time again - but I was young and stupid.

I am the MOST innocent OW there ever was - really. I was engaged and 6 weeks before our big wedding he (another man not the one I later loved so much) eloped with another woman. It hurt but quite frankly I was really glad to be rid of him as I'd felt pressured into the wedding.

My ex fiancé has stalked me and professed undying love for DECADES. I have seen him twice - never alone and never planned. And have told him I have NO interest in ever being with him. I find him utterly disgusting.

I guess I would be considered the OW as he still believes that I am the love of his life - but I have done NOTHING to encourage him.

He'd cheated with a zillion other women during his marriage. I even told his wife to make him leave me alone so she knows what he is like. I have no clue why someone would stay in a situation like that but it is none of my business. I do not want him - ever under any circumstances.

[This message edited by Oftencheatedon at 5:05 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]


Posts: 109 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: AL
ladycody
♀ Member
Member # 41401
Default  Posted: 4:11 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how to answer that...and haven't committed fully to staying, I don't think...but don't want to just throw away all the good that we had. We had what I thought was a great relationship...we enjoy each other...share interests...laugh and rarely argue. We had a relationship that others looking at from the outside found special...and I think a lot of that was real...that they were seeing what I felt.

Both affairs were, I think, ego boosts for someone who's always felt lacking (if you knew his story...childhood... family...you'd get it) and the affairs allowed him to play the hero to damsels in distress...which is one thing I never gave him. I've always been strong and independent and while I think he loves that about me and takes pride in it on one level...it never made him feel needed. That's all just my take on it...but its what I believe.

One of our biggest issues is that he never told me about them...ended them immediately and in tears of remorse...but I found out about them on my own. The first was years ago...the most recent dday was this past fall. I was always so sure I'd leave if he cheated...just pack up and be done...but that didn't happen...and now he gets yet another chance...and I can't for the life of me tell you why. I am approaching things differently this time...and have told him that my plans for the future now have two possible paths...and he's only on one of them...that my long term planning is now me focused because it has to be.

I don't know if I can ever get back to feeling safe with him...but (once the fury passed)...he is still my friend...and am still able to enjoy being with him in the interim...albeit with an undercurrent of overwhelming sadness at this point. He's doing and saying everything right so I plan to give it some time. If I'm unable to get that feeling of security back in my life...then I'll need to decide whether or not I can live with that. I have told him that there are no gaurantees at this point...but that, regardless...he's out of second chances...that if it happens again...there will not even be a chance of saving our marriage...and I believe myself, and in myself, completely at this point...I feel like I KNOW what I'm saying...and I KNOW that I mean it.

So I don't know....while our kids are a factor... I honestly think that if our marriage hadn't been as good as it was...if we didn't get along so well and truly enjoy our time together...I think it would be a non-question...cause I would already be gone.

But I will admit I can feel like an idiot...because I think there are a ton of people that would look at me as three steps past stupid for even considering reconciliation at this point...and I can't say for sure that they'd be wrong. Only time will tell.

[This message edited by ladycody at 4:20 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)]


Me 47
WS 41
M=16 years

Posts: 130 | Registered: Nov 2013
Flatlined123
♀ Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

 you all kind of put the line in the sand after true reconciliation has started. I guess I agree there. Once they say and do a lot to try to rebuild the marriage and get on track, getting off track after that really is unacceptable.

I agree with this! If H were to cheat now, after all we've been through that would be it. His fog has cleared and he's seen what I've been through and am still going through at times. For him to start it all again would be the biggest slap in the face and truly unforgivable for me.

I never thought I'd be cheated on the first time. I thought if it happened I'd be out of there, but I stayed. I stayed for the kids, for the man I knew my H was and could be again and I stayed for myself. I didn't want to start over if I didn't have to.

I do know with utmost certainty, if it happens again I will not be as stunned, I will know how to react and I will leave. H also knows this.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 677 | Registered: Jun 2012
4everfaithful83
♀ Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great question!

I often wonder the same thing. And its also a BIG fear of mine...

I can understand when DDAYS are close, or say that DDAY 2 is new information learned or something like that, but when its multiple DDAYS, like one every couple of years...why do people stay? I don't understand.

And I fear that there is a possibility that could be me one day. I always thought if WBF ever cheated I'd be "Out that door so fast!!" and that didn't happen. And now I tell myself that if there ever was a second DDAY, I'd do the same. The last 8 months have been a literal HELL, and there's no way I'd ever want to relive that. Just the thought makes my stomach turn.

At what point do we realize that the person betraying us will never change, and maybe that's just who they are?

Maybe its the fear of thinking that we'll never find love again? Or because there are children involved? I guess there are too many factors to say for sure.

I can only hope that one time around this merry go round of infidelity is enough for me. If it ever happens again, I hope I have the strength and self respect to walk out and live a better life.


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
ladycody
♀ Member
Member # 41401
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it ever happens again, I hope I have the strength and self respect to walk out and live a better life.
not saying I don't understand this standpoint...because I really do...but it's what makes sharing/discussing my decision to try and save my marriage after dday#2 difficult...in life and here (although I will say the few people I've told...that know us well...have said they thought we had something worth at least trying to salvage). In general, though, there is an underlying feeling that you will be judged as lacking in strength and self respect...which feels lousy and just seems to make a difficult situation even harder. There was a recent post by someone else that reinforced that...with support offset by naysayers. Wish I could find it again...wanted to post but was leaving for work and lost track of it.

[This message edited by ladycody at 12:33 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)]


Me 47
WS 41
M=16 years

Posts: 130 | Registered: Nov 2013
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ladycody, I don't know your story but I'm sorry for your pain. I'm sorry you don't feel supported. Every situation is different, only you really know your H and your M. I'm not at a point to say what I would do if there was another DDay. I sincerely hope I never have to find out.
Peace to you. You are brave and strong.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 944 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
DTERMINED2SURVIV
♀ Member
Member # 42294
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A lot of the same reasons you stayed the first time...

None of us ever plan to be here, its easy to say if it happened you'd leave..but once it does, you dont know how you'll react.

My gut...My heart

Those are the two things I follow always. My gut and my heart told me something wasnt right but they also told me to stay!!




Posts: 271 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Where theres lots of southern HOEspitality
4everfaithful83
♀ Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ladycody - I'm sorry I was only speaking about myself in general. I don't judge others for staying, as everyone is fighting a different battle. Like I said, I never thought I would have stayed to begin with. I guess I just don't understand the staying after a second DDAY because I am still in the process of getting over my first DDAY. The thought of going through R and then having to go through all of this again 5 years down the road or something just seems devastating, and I would want a better life for myself. Easier said than done I'm sure. Hell...I guess after going through R, maybe it makes it harder to leave the second time since you probably feel that you have put in all this work? I admire your strength. It takes a strong person to stay even after one DDAY, let alone having more than one.


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
ladycody
♀ Member
Member # 41401
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's ok...I was just throwing it out there...creating an awareness maybe...but I do get it and can't really be upset with you or anyone else questioning why when I am still questioning myself. I mean I think I know why...but question myself all the time and wonder if I'm really just pathetic and weak...but it doesn't feel that way...at least not most of the time.


Me 47
WS 41
M=16 years

Posts: 130 | Registered: Nov 2013
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like what OnAnIsland says in her opening couple of paragraphs....that second DD's come in all sorts of flavors.

My second DD came 1 month after my first DD....while we were in regular counseling.....helpede get in touch w righteous anger!

A confession after months of TT'ing revealed my wife broke NC a week after my second DD via an email....fAP did not nibble at the bait she cast to him.

So my wife was heavy in the fog, never stopped her A....so I lump it all together.

NOW, 19 months out and lots of IC.....here is why I continue to offer R .

First, I see areas that my actions hurt our M pre-A. I want to make amends for that and learn new ways to be in a relationship.

Second, I see more clearly now how my wife's patterns allowed adultery to be an option for her. Patterns that were there, within her, before we even met. Patterns that should have been big flags during our dating and engagement period,...but we were both so ignorant. I see her nibbling at changing this....am curious to witness the results.

Third, we do have children. I want to model more healthy relationship to them than my wife and I did this far. I want to see for myself that I can change. I want to see if I can do what I now know I should do. Wife and I had zero role models to observe growing up. If i D now , our girls will be in the same spot we were back then..... D parents wrestling w the pain of D, part time parents, and our girls will pay the same price weare paying. That debt stops here.

What will I do if my wife chooses adultery or adultery-enabling activities????

Humble enough now to say......I don't know.

I pray for courage many times a day.

Changing yourself is scary and tough. Offering R to a person who hurt you deeper and more severe than I thought humanly possible is scary and tough. Adultery is easy....all sin is easy.

I am grateful for my tenacity and fight instinct.... But I have been humbled enough by this experience to NOW blakesteele is not doing this on his own.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3974 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Mochagurl
♀ Member
Member # 14660
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I swore I would never stay for a 3rd DD. But here I am, listening to him tell me it is over blah, blah.

I stay because I am comfortable with him. We have history together, four children who are my pride and joy. He is a physician and we have been together since high school. I don't know any other life.

I am sure I still love him to some degree, but not like I used to. I used to basically kiss the ground he walked on. And then I was so busy kissing the ground, he walked right on top of me and said I didn't treat him nice. Put the kids before him.

But I am in so very much pain right now.i am not sure how much longer I can take this.


Me: BS-55
Him: WS-55
Married: 35 years
DD 36, DD 26, DS 22, DD 19
You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

Posts: 226 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Ohio
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Mochagurl)) you are stronger than you think. And you dont owe anyone an explanation on why you stay...
Do your kids know?


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5262 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Mochagurl
♀ Member
Member # 14660
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, the kids know what he has done in the past and probably know something is up now.
They really don"t want to get involved. They know it is rough on me and that I should leave him I think is what they would say.
I don"t expect him to ever leave me. You see, I am a very expensive little charm. A divorce would cost him big time.
I do see a divorce in my future, just not sure how to get there yet.


Me: BS-55
Him: WS-55
Married: 35 years
DD 36, DD 26, DS 22, DD 19
You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

Posts: 226 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 35
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