"Not my circus, not my monkeys"
Well now, the timing on this little beauty is impeccable!
I've just been through 11th hour anxiety laden bullshit with Cat's mortgage, only to end up not signing because L said no. BUT, L just got the papers yesterday, so there was no time to address concerns, etc and sign today.
This is somehow my fault. As if he hasn't known for three months I'm going out of town. As if L #1 didn't ask to see mortgage papers two weeks ago. As if HIS atty didn't completely miss the fact that I needed to be present for his closing, and therefore allowed it to be scheduled while I was going to be gone. As if his title company and his lender didn't BOTH say to him that I didn't need to be there.
As if my L doesn't actually have OTHER clients in addition to me that need his time and attention - he actually isn't just sitting around waiting to hear from Cat's atty.
WTF. I'm going to remember the circus/monkeys thing.
I AM giving myself a little pat on the back that when he started texting that he wasn't going to move his stuff out until his mortgage issue is resolved, I didn't respond.
When he said the moving guy wanted to stop by tomorrow, I should let him know when I'm available and tell him we may not be needing him since I didn't sign the papers today, I replied that I would set up a time for him to stop over, but it is Cat's responsibility to communicate with him about his move.
I'm learning, slowly but surely.
What I need to learn now is to stop the feelings of guilt and anxiety that come with practicing these new behaviors. It's nearly 3:30am and I'm still awake. I cannot sleep. I worry about what he is going to do to my house while I'm gone. I worry about coming home and all of his shit still being here. I'm sad that he won't do the right thing for DD and get himself AND his shit out of the house. And I'm angry that he's acting like such a prick.
I'm so tired.....
I had trouble sleeping too. I think it's tied to the full moon - a lot of my friends were posting on FB about it.
Do what you do at any circus- sit back and watch all three rings. Just because the clown invites you to participate doesn't mean you have to accept the clowns invitation. Accepting that invitation means the jokes on you! Not your circus!
Sit back, grab some popcorn, and watch the show.
It's coming down to the endgame.... The drama will be ramped up because he's loosing control. He's desperately trying to find away to control you. When the small stuff doesn't work - he goes for other stuff - your DD. He'll continue to do this till it doesn't get a reaction from you. Guard your reactions very carefully to his crap. The less he thinks your affected by something, the less power you give him over you.
If his shit is still there when you get back can you call PODS and have them drop off a pod. Then you and some friends move everything in his pile into the pod. Video everything going into the pod, just in case. The stuff will be out of your house, and still on your property till he either has the pod moved or empties it himself. I have a friend remodeling a foreclosed house - all her belongings are stored in 2 pods in her yard. I thought of your situation when she was telling me.
Before you go away, secure stuff you don't want him having access to, stuff that means something to you, etc. my worry is he'll get mad and take it out on your stuff. Be aware and careful.
I could tell he was totally confused now that he has lost control over me.
I worry about what he is going to do to my house while I'm gone.
I hope that you have a great vacation!! Maybe say the Serenity Prayer when you start to worry about what's going on back home, and just enjoy the moment you are in.
which pretty well describes my H.
Here are some choice quotes:
When arguing with a covert narcissist, a victim will usually be left at a dead-end. Their logic appears to be incompatible with that of the narcissist and they always get outwitted.
This abuse is so well hidden within the communication dynamics that the victim often doesn't pick up on it and is left scratching their head wondering 'is it me?'
they seem to have no real interests - yet they are extremely self-entitled and expect other people to do all the running round for them
Nekorb, I read your posts on D/S. I feel for you with the shit he's pulling.
The guilt/anxiety issues seem to take a long time to clear, don't they? I really battle with both. In fact, my guilt complex is so strong I am waiting/baiting for significant acting out on WH part to overcome the guilt, for myself, and give me enough internal permission to leave.
Thatarticle above notes a sort of slow death of an NPD's partner, and I think so many of us here understand that.
Hugs to all.
[This message edited by meleanoro at 10:23 PM, July 14th (Monday)]
The hindsight thing especially....the problems started in our marriage when I started developing less co-dependent behaviors, which meant his narcissistic supply was interrupted.
My WH really needs counseling. He will never do it. He says it doesn't work -well no shit, if you aren't open to changing your thought process, it isn't going to work...and he can never change the thought process or recognize that there is something wrong with it to begin with! Moreover, if you don't GO it doesn't work.
It makes me sad for him...for the wonderful man he was for many years, it makes me sad for the kids, it makes me sad for his mom, who I love dearly and she can see how sick he is....
But - I have to focus on myself and the kids and helping them through this.
Hugs to the tribe today.
Kajem, thank you for telling me that you would have considered R yourself. It helped me not feel so ashamed. I did, probably do still feel a bit ashamed, but it helped. It helped me to be able to post here tonight.
I am right now at 23 hours NC. I am okay with it right now. It feels good right now, I feel relief right now but I know that it could change. I know that the pain, the aching can make me forget, cause me to doubt what I know.
He sent me some strange texts last night. They have made me feel very freaked out and I am listening to that. I am listening to my gut and I want to remember to listen.
He was speaking of "wishing he could show me how he cares and loves me" there was the unspoken "but". He told me of his "dark place " in his mind and heart, his "safe place", his "empty room" that he goes to.
Honestly, it sounded so bizarre to me, I just cannot fathom the meaning. It frightened me.
I must believe my fear. I think it is trying to protect me.
So, 23 hours and I will be happy with that. I begin again to protect myself.
It has been a relief to not have the angry, degrading and abusive texts and emails. It has felt nice to go into fantasy that he is not as bad as I thought. Again, my illusion. He is what he is and I cannot live there.
I am immersing myself in music. My friend and I are playing a lot. I think it is helping.
A place of total freedom.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
To this day, even with the damn court drama and the new fiancee..I am half tempted to go back- as that saying goes, keep your enemies closer- YEA that!
at least i would know what he is up to, whereas now I just wait for the other shoe to drop.
I'm launching shock and awe against NPD ex!
Being a calm, responsible, accommodating ex-wife has not worked.
The more accommodating I am, the more entitled he is.
So I am changing tactics ...I am adopting a BITCH FROM HELL personality.
I've never worn that personality before (It's not in my nature) but I'm feeling empowered...
"Bitches aren't born, they are created."
Details to follow...
Cantaccept: I'm starting to think that needing to try thing goes hand in hand with being in a relationship with NPD. W are so convinced the problem is us, we are likewise convinced we can change it.
Hoping to have news soon.
"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women
I originally was researching NPD to deal with XH and discovered that I married my mother. If I can talk about my mom, YOP talks about his mom, your welcome to join the NPD FOO FAMILY on this board. 😄
Welcome to The Tribe..
Tribe, desperately hoping to announce some forward progress very shortly....send positive mojo, prayers, anything you've got my way!,
Nekorb, I am kind of on the edge of my seat about your news. Curious what happens with the L and your nutcase. And really hoping Cat doesn't move back in.
Earlier I mentioned I'd been watching Breaking Bad. As the series came to a close, and the main character became increasingly narcissistic, manipulative, dangerous, etc I was alarmed to see something in myself.
I still felt sorry for him.
Sorry like, I felt he still had redemption (If you've seen the show, you know he doesn't).
This is my achillies heel. This man deliberately and cruelly hurt so many, but at times I just felt my heart break for him.
And I hate myself for that. Because I see now how screwed up it makes me, and how difficult it will be for me to choose to break free.
I just lean on hope and redemption too much. And these can be lovely traits, except when they mean I put myself last.
Now I am sad, and I feel weak. I don't know how to change this about me. I've read the codie books, etc., but at my core, I buy into the pity parties. I throw myself out the window in the name of compassion or God knows what.
6 years later mom moved 1 1/2 miles away from me. 4 years of competing narcs/severe depression/raising 4 kids XH left for greener pastures NPD OW/NW. When I tried to lean on mom she visited my brother in another state for 3 months.
I started relying on myself- she was out of the loop again and there she has stayed because dammit I need to hold that grudge to keep my boundaries in place.
Keep getting healthy, you'll see changes happening once the changes are second nature.
My new lawyer said (after our 20 minute meeting where I described my NPD ex's behavior this past year) said "I just finished reading this book that reminds me of your ex. Have you read the sociopath next door?"
Seriously! They all see it!, the police recognize the behavior, the lawyers do too!
Ladies! (and men) we are NOT alone. The police/legal field see NPD ALL THE TIME! They understand the abuse. They will help you!
I also had a heart to heart with my supervisor and she asked "Do you think he has a mental disorder?" I don't diagnosis, nor name call, I just state facts: they all see it for themselves!
I've been silent for three years but now, I'M TELLING EVERYONE!!! My work, the cops, the lawyers, my neighbors!
The support is amazing.
Can you hear me smiling.
They see it all the time!!! It's up to us to guide them how far we want them to push the NPD.
Wontdefineme, let him stroke his own ego. It's better than putting you down to make his ego feel better.