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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 13
hpv50
♀ Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, June 14th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I posted here once or twice a few months ago. My WH is a vulnerable NPD, which is a different from the grandiose variety, not as bad. My IC says he's a regular NPD "waiting to happen" which she translates as if he ever feels "in power, like if his career takes off." My gut response is then how do we make him a stay at home dad (ha ha).

Anyhow, here is my question: my WH is very very slowly considering that he may be a VNPD, although almost every fiber in his being wants to reject it. Other than IC, do you know of any support groups out there (maybe online) for people with NPD? Maybe if he could interact with others he wouldn't feel as threatened if it's sort of normalized.

Or is this one of those situations where it's laughable, because they would all end up reassuring each other that they're all powerful and that we are their minions?

Thanks, HPV.

p.s. I do understand what all of you are going through, because my first H was a full blown NPD who made my son and I's lives pure hell, until my son was old enough to refuse visitation.


Me: BS - 50; Him: WH - 51, vulnerable NPD
married 19 years, maybe 20th soon?
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13 (gaslighting begins)
DD3 6/30/13 (admits EA)
DD4 7/7/13 admits "trying to date other women" for 3 years

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jun 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hpv50,

I haven't researched NPD in a while, the forums I belong to are not what I would call 'NPD friendly'. They tend to be filled with NPD victims. Narcissists typically think they are not the problem. It's everyone around them.

I know Sam Vandkin had a blog, I don't know if it's active anymore. He was the only narc I found posting at the time.

Hope it helps.
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4996 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hpv50)))
One of the tribe posted a link once - to where they hang out and "support" each other...by crowing about their victories over their victims.
My heart needed a shower.
I'm close to pepto-bismol just remembering...

There is evil in the world, true evil.
Thank God and the stars He made,
we can get to the point,
where it is
"laughable"...

You? You're in a dangerous place hpv - thinking you can find something, somewhere
to fix him...
I'm sorry for the seeming 2X4.
You just need to hear that.


Posts: 6489 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and sam_v?
Is not to be trusted.

The time your eyes linger on his shit,
is like hovering in front of a turbo vacuum cleaner,
thinking,
"nah"
"I won't get sucked in, I'm special."

That would be an error.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwP_PSNxsf8


Posts: 6489 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Father's Day to the dad's n the Tribe.

How is everyone doing today? Status updates anyone?

We are nearing a pitch here, I think. This week I think it will become clear whether we can agree and do a dissolution or if I'm going to have to file for D.

Desperately hoping he agrees to exclusive use this week and to have his stuff put in storage.


(((Tribe)))


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Aug 2013
hpv50
♀ Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kajem and jj,

Thanks. The more I think about it, the more I realize it didn't make sense to have such a support group.

JJ, you're right, in a sense. Trying to change someone else, or even trying to help create a safe place where they want to change themselves, is often fruitless. And probably an utter waste of mental energy with a typical Narc (eg my eXH, who was truly crazy-making).

I often read on SI that we can't "nice" our cheating spouses into changing their behavior; we have to demand it, and leave if they don't comply. Clearly they've never dealt with a NPD. If I demand much of anything, this 10 feet tall, six feet thick oppositional wall flies up out of the ground between us. I know instantly I will get nowhere. I used to argue with The Wall, but now I just walk away.

I really don't care whether he accepts the VNPD label; I'd just like to see some behavior changes. My ICs take is that he's at the low level of the spectrum, has made some small changes, and is trying to make some more. Progress is at a snails pace, though. My IC says it's critical for him to get "a lot" of intense IC, but he's dropped out once and is threatening to again. It may not matter, though, because I have no idea whether his latest IC is any good at NPD, nor what they are covering. WH is very secretive. I now know he spent the majority of his time complaining about me and BSing his first IC; wouldn't surprise me if he's doing it again. But he claims to have told his latest IC that me & my IC think he's a VNPD, and my IC says that great because his IC should be on the lookout for it.

But as I said, the changes are small and slow and not exactly willingly. WH frantically tries to make some changes each time I put a serious foot out the door. Like last winter, for example, when he finally agreed to read some books with me. He'd sneered about it for around six months after dday; stopped sneering and started sincerely offering after I'd said I was done with him. Umm, great...

Other than the cheating "attempts" (being more charitable than he deserves), the remaining behaviors are tough, but mainly livable. His primary VNPD behaviors are feeling victimized and suppressed by me; blaming others for his behavior; harboring jealousy and resentment over my career "successes" (anything from 'hey, my boss liked my report" to "hey, I won a national award" will be met with silence, looking away, accusations that I'm bragging, or if I'm really lucky, an insincere "that's nice"). He is my KISA if anything negative happens in my life, EXCEPT if he causes it, then he gets really defensive and angry; remorse is beyond his abilities, just goes into deep shame mode. When I try to discuss the cheating he usually shuts down. Day to day he often seems depressed; suffers from severe abandonment issues and is codependent (I feel like his mood mirror).

I'm frankly exhausted after this year. My first dday was April of last year. I often think that I'd be ok and could probably deal with any one of the Terrible Triangle - the cheating, the VNPD,
or his inaction - but all three combined feel like I'm holding a giant boulder, my knees buckling, while others keep telling me to hang in there. It's too big to set down gently, but it's slowly crushing me and I don't know what to do.

Sorry to wax long; this last month sucked.

HPV


Me: BS - 50; Him: WH - 51, vulnerable NPD
married 19 years, maybe 20th soon?
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13 (gaslighting begins)
DD3 6/30/13 (admits EA)
DD4 7/7/13 admits "trying to date other women" for 3 years

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jun 2013
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HPV,

You have to stop worrying about fixing this man and focus on fixing you and doing what is healthy for you.

Let him deal with this shit on his own. He needs to grow up. Maybe someday you can revisit your relationship with him. For now, you need a break it seems.

What does your IC say?

:::mini update:::

Today WH was over doing some packing. I had a big stack of books next to his stuff. They were all of the books I still had lurking around about handling the sexual dysfunction we had going on, Kama sutra type stuff, sexual self help type stuff.

He comes across the books and this is the convo:
WH: what's this?
N: all the books over the years that I bought to try and help us
WH: you don't want them?
N: *I* have already read them

WH walks away with stack of books and packs them.

How freaking weird is that?? What's he going to do? Whip out the kama sutra he read with his wife so he can read it with his girlfriend?? I seriously can't imagine him reading any of the informational/educational/self help books.

I just thought that was really odd.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Aug 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whip out the kama sutra he read with his wife so he can read it with his girlfriend?? I seriously can't imagine him reading any of the informational/educational/self help books.

Some days I swear they all share DNA! Yes he will, and if you're lucky or have very strong boundaries you won't have to listen to him go on about certain ummm exercises that they did from page 98 in the book Kama Sutra for lovers. 😖

My mind needs bleach now! 😱


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4996 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some days I swear they all share DNA! Yes he will, and if you're lucky or have very strong boundaries you won't have to listen to him go on about certain ummm exercises that they did from page 98 in the book Kama Sutra for lovers. 😖

No WAY!

Although I do recall one time I made some reference to them having sex ( at work) and he said something like - I wanted to talk to you about that...

I was like - why on earth would you want talk to me about your sex life?

He thought better of it.

I guess they all do have the same DNA.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Aug 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No WAY!

Although I do recall one time I made some reference to them having sex ( at work) and he said something like - I wanted to talk to you about that...

I was like - why on earth would you want talk to me about your sex life?

He thought better of it.

WAY!!!

When we were meeting to negotiate he told me that she looked like me, (she is similar looking) she and I have several interests in common, and he thought we could be friends.

I at him and asked him point blank - did he really want us comparing notes?

On second thought, He didn't think that was a good idea.



I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4996 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dad pulled the same shit on my mother. He left for OW.

They all read that same flucking manual.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4996 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We need a jaw dropping emoticon. I know there is one in existence. We need to petition Deeply Scared so that he will scour the earth and find it for us for topics just.like.this.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Aug 2013
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. They must share DNA. Recently, WH called me to tell me that the woman he's been texting ( and told her he loves her) had a fight with OW!! He wanted to know if this woman contacted me and that she was upset that OW called her and yelled at her and called her ugly!!

Of course, according to WH, she is just a "friend".

WTF????

This was the real dealbreaker for me.

I can't understand how insensitive they are!!

God help me!


Posts: 1938 | Registered: Jan 2010
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DS is a lady, Mangled Heart is her H, and webmaster extraordinaire. They have 3 dogs, and huge hearts.❤️
Pictures can be found in fun and games look for Houston g2g threads.

Thought I would set the record straight. 😊


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4996 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

😱😤😯

Will these work?


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4996 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for clarifying!!

Those are cool - but not as cool as the animated jaw dropping icon I've seen!! It's like our barfing one, but jaw dropping.

Seriously - can you imagine how much it would get used ??? Lol

Made mini-progress here today in that WH is looking into alternatives to working out at the marital home. Still waiting to hear about the exclusive use issue. And a move out date.

Oh - and a settlement offer.
And...and...and....

I just feel like it will never end sometimes!!


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Aug 2013
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still here.

JJ, looking into myself. That is staying with me.

Maybe I am looking for a kinder ending?


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1308 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I am looking for a kinder ending?

Kinder meaning a different way of reframing things in your mind? Or an actual different outcome?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Aug 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can, keep looking within - it's where the core of your true kindness begins.

Focusing on within, it will come to you that the outcome of 'endings' will not be as important to you...will not have the power over you it once did.
It's a natural part of healing.

You will teach this in your own words to someone someday, someone whose struggle you intimately recognize, because it was yours. You will teach it well too, because you own it.


Posts: 6489 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A kinder ending, that keeps just coming into my mind.

It was so harsh, so cruel. To be left crying in a puddle on the floor. Abandoned, it seems to be a recurring theme.

Closure maybe??? I have never been able to have closure, understanding, maybe that is what I am seeking.

To not part with fear.

I am not really sure. A different outcome? Only if I am completely wrong about what I think I see. Only if my interpretation of reality is completely wrong.

I don't know if that would be a good thing or not.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1308 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
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