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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 13
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((TIKY))) I'm sorry about the loss of your friend.

Tribe, this article was on my Facebook newsfeed tonight. It's quite long, but has lots of excellent information on the children of NPD parents. Here is one paragraph:

NPD parents, due to the disorder, have little to no regard for their child’s individuality, ambitions, or emotions. The NPD parent is quite simply all about themselves, all the time. This is a very difficult concept for most normal people to grasp; it is hard to relate to a parent who has no genuine concern for their child other than how that child can enhance the parent’s image, or how the child can be drawn from as a source of ‘narcissistic supply’. People with NPD consistently look for and ‘groom’ people with charm, false interest, and quite often lavish gifts in order to get them to commit to relationship with the NPD’d person. When they have a child, they have a built in ego supplier. An individual with NPD absolutely needs to see reactions in the people around them in order to reassure themselves of an identity. And they do not really care what kind of reaction it is, as long as they get a reaction. So the NPD parent frequently will rapidly change from the most charming, loving and giving parent on the planet to the most enraged, unfeeling, cruel parent imaginable (think of the film ‘Mommy Dearest’).

Here is the full article: http://krillco.hubpages.com/hub/The-Child-Victim-of-a-Narcissistic-Personality-Disordered-Parent


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7778 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NPD parents, due to the disorder, have little to no regard for their child’s individuality, ambitions, or emotions. The NPD parent is quite simply all about themselves, all the time. This is a very difficult concept for most normal people to grasp; it is hard to relate to a parent who has no genuine concern for their child other than how that child can enhance the parent’s image, or how the child can be drawn from as a source of ‘narcissistic supply’. People with NPD consistently look for and ‘groom’ people with charm, false interest, and quite often lavish gifts in order to get them to commit to relationship with the NPD’d person. When they have a child, they have a built in ego supplier. An individual with NPD absolutely needs to see reactions in the people around them in order to reassure themselves of an identity. And they do not really care what kind of reaction it is, as long as they get a reaction. So the NPD parent frequently will rapidly change from the most charming, loving and giving parent on the planet to the most enraged, unfeeling, cruel parent imaginable (think of the film ‘Mommy Dearest’).

That is my mother, and that was me as a child. And add in physical abuse.

Had to have a long session with my IC last night as I was really triggered. It would seem that my middle child has gotten himself hooked up with a fairly narcissistic girl. I don't know if I would label her all the way NPD yet, but she is using her baby to keep him in line. He is over the moon about this child. It is really triggering me, and I am really going to have to detach as my mother instincts are in full effect. He is 23, and they are living together. I want to strangle her.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4451 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very sorry to hear about your friend ThoughtIKnewYa. Peace to you.

Thanks for that link wb2. Started reading it but will have to finish at lunch.

As a quick update for those who have been following, NPD mom has actually been respecting my boundary of NC for a while. I have not heard a peep in almost 3 weeks now since I had her "day of reckoning". No idea what's been going on with her and I don't care.

I have mostly taken a break from the NPD talk during this time too which has been a good, much needed break for me. Back to IC this week on Fri so I'm sure I will be back on it.

TG/all - a book that has been helping me is "Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents by Nina Brown EdD LPC"

http://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611/ref=sr_1_1/182-6445733-3553602?ie=UTF8&qid=1402497523&sr=8-1&keywords=children+of+the+absorbed

It has been helping me. In some ways it may be too simplistic for some, but for those who are just coming to terms with the entire NPD aspect it's been good. I have recommended to a few others who contacted me in pm's and it has gotten good reviews from them too. It has been slow reading for me though as it's triggery as all get out. Brought back a few memories that I had repressed.

Thought I would throw it out there.

yop

ETA - Where this book has been really useful for me is to help me identify my symptoms. I was having a hard time explaining in IC what the hell happened to me. I don't have all the symptoms so it was helpful for me to identify which ones I had, explain what it was in IC, and reinforce my symptom with examples of what caused it and examples of how I'm being affected now.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 9:48 AM, June 11th (Wednesday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1795 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOP,

That is actually one book I haven't read yet, I believe because I have heard that it can be very triggery. I have read several others. The most recent one that has helped me the most was CPTSD, dealing with complex PTSD. I have always wondered what was wrong with me, the symptoms I had, and this book nailed every one. And gave me the way out.

I am very low contact with my mother, she has fought against my boundaries, but is finally sticking to them. Indifference is bliss.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4451 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for that TG. I'll look into it. I just bought two books on PTSD this past weekend. What's one more?! I've been told in IC that I have been officially diagnosed with PTSD as I'm showing her many symptoms. The problem I've had is that we haven't been able to get to them yet as we have been mostly working on my anger with NPD mom. That is now starting to subside. At least the anger has kept away the mind movies and anxiety. I'm starting to feel mentally stronger these days. Thanks for the tip.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1795 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry to hear about your friend TIKY. That sounds frightening.

An individual with NPD absolutely needs to see reactions in the people around them in order to reassure themselves of an identity. And they do not really care what kind of reaction it is, as long as they get a reaction.

Like a child. I'm reading more about narcissism lately to maybe find some guidance how to deal with my father. I always knew my father was an alcoholic and any addict is narcissistic but I think even if he didn't drink, at his core he is a narcissistic first. It's put a clearer perspective on a lot of things and certain events of my very early childhood. The books talk about how it can worsen with age. Wow, yeah, no denying it anymore. It's ramped up exponentially.

He's a little left of centre of the classic NPD, and Disarming the Narcissistic talks about the various types. He lacks the classic sense of entitlement that most overt NPD have. His manifests differently. He doesn't necessarily come looking to push his way into my life like some narcissistic parents do. I'm glad for that.

Personally I'm having better luck with the information presented in Why is it Always about You? Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss to help understand it more, and now into Disarming the Narcissist. Dealing with my father, really hinges on how I react and if I can get those triggers under control. At our last encounter I did better to not engage and just ignore.

TiredGirl, I'd be interested in the name of that book. I know the articles I've read on CPTSD really hit home for me too.

Peace for everyone dealing with a narc in their life.


Growing forward

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Sep 2011
Quakingaspen
♀ Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((TIKY)))) - So sorry to hear about your friend. That is very frightening and sad.

Trying to help the kids is difficult. I don't know what to do most of the time, so I do nothing about their relationship with Prestone. Prestone has managed to alienate all three of them, and they are close emotionally and in age (17, 15, 12), so they discuss him in front of me, and I chew my tongue raw not to add anything, or I throw out devil's advocate responses (literally!). I try to just encourage them to have compassion and do what's right for them. He's not asking to see them, just wants me to let him know if they decide they'd like to see him. I don't even know what to do with that. If he doesn't say anything about seeing them for Father's Day, should I force the issue with them? I feel like that's what he wants me to do.FML is this ever going to end?

After not talking to me for a couple of blessed weeks, he sent me an email with the subject line: The Rest of the Story. I freaked out. I am NOT in a place where I need to hear more confessions, more crapola. When I finally felt ready to read it, it was hoovering so loud I couldn't hear myself think. With threats. Apparently my admission that I don't feel that our daughter is safe alone with him sent him into a "potentially catastrophic" spiral. ?!?!?! What am I supposed to do with that? I'm afraid he's gearing up for another round.

Keeping my face to the wind and putting one foot in front of the other. Moving forward one stingy inch at a time.


The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be - and when they're not, we cry.~David Duchovny

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 117 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
southsidecali
♀ Member
Member # 22752
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Needing positive thoughts & prayers. Going back to court for move orders, I know I will feel the wrath of npd.

Need lots of nc/ disengage/heal myself and our kids.


Posts: 729 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Idiot has called both older kids asking questions about me; job, finances, school. Sounded distressed. Damn I so want to tell him to leave the kids alone, but they give me information I really need. Plus I don't want him to know they tell me stuff.

Guess he is stressed about me taking him back to court and his attorney not representing him again. I hope the judge finally sees him for who he is.


Posts: 2116 | Registered: Mar 2011
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((TIKY))))))!

Sending peace.

Sending SI mojo for anyone who needs it!

I'm wiped out tonight. Good night everyone!

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4817 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending court mojo, southside. Be strong, stay calm, and speak the truth.

When is your hearing?


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7778 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
southsidecali
♀ Member
Member # 22752
Default  Posted: 3:14 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just got the paperwork filed out but didn't get in time to court :(

Our youngest graduates kinder tomorrow :( I'm a mess from that and everything else!!

I'm debating when I should have him served. All day I have been agonizing over the rage and him lashing back@ me.


Posts: 729 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:14 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

phmh I just love your posts - so wise. little foggy, pokerface! & think about it as re-parenting, instead of co-parenting (ht to cg here)...I'd check state laws, consult a lawyer re fears @ a possible tattoo...
It's hard to post sometimes because I get so raging mad. I'd lift every single one of you out of this toxic stew if I could. Bastards!
(((TIKY))) gawdamighty!

Court mojo! (((sscali)))
Love ya to pieces (((TRIBE)))

(((QA)))
That was one beautiful and true thing you said. Belongs in a poem, it does.

Smart phone

The planet-pointed thing I pulled from my pocket
gave me the name
(the voice sounds the same)
then she named
nightsky's far
flying stars (and all
and all
and all)

Yet
pointed within,
left breast under chin
was silent
still.
No name named the laughing
terrible soon-to-end
beat.
Must be the scars (and all
and all
and all)

Move forward.
One stingy inch
at a time.

(((TRIBE)))


Posts: 6421 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((Southsidecali))))))))))

They do grow up!!!!

Time him being served when you (and kids) don't have to be around him if you can.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4817 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Received this poem today. It was written by Melanie Tonia Evans.

I Take Back My Power From You

At first agonisingly, but it take it back all the same

I have know for some time you are not the healer of my wounds but the messenger instead

Your terminal unconsciousness was sufficient

To activate my own

Because of you I was cracked open

My wounds rushed to the surface and spewed out of me

Then I opened as a huge gaping hole

And was filled with Light

I take back my power from you

I have woken up from my trance

I now know truths I never knew before

A power I could barely touch now glows and grows within me

Because of you I am connected to the Divine and transcending all I believed was possible

I am filled with more joy and love than I knew existed

I take back my power from you

You never were my source of Life

I now know Who I was always meant to be

I understand the purpose and gift of Life

I take my power back from you

Your involvement in my journey is complete

Your ego may scorn that I am now filled with Light

Yet your disowned soul rejoices in Oneness, love and a job well done

I take back my power from you

You granted me the most loving gift any soul could

You catapulted me home to myself

Don’t mistake me

That does not make your personality special

This took place at the level of souls

Thank you for playing your part as was always intended

I take back my power from you…and

Because of your help, Dear Soul, I am free


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2605 | Registered: Jan 2010
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NPDSTBX got a little crazy tonight. I never replied to the haircut. So he trying to get a response from me.

After the usual custody exchange shenanigans, he left his last text with "And have DD's stuff ready for me". (He has been trying to get some property from me, but I won't give it to him without going through lawyers.) The tone of the text said "I am going to try something"

When he dropped DD off, I pulled her right in the door and went to shut it. He put his foot in the door (exclusive use established). I told him to move it and he did. Then walked on my property to take pictures of the debris pile from the dissembling of a garden trellis he built.

After that he sent me an email about ALL the wonderful fun he had with DD tonight and ALL the spectacular things they did.

I am back to fearing for my safety. All it took was a toe.

[This message edited by littlefoggy at 8:15 PM, June 12th (Thursday)]


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 485 | Registered: Nov 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Little foggy,

Can you call your lawyer regarding your fear of him and his putting his foot in the door?

I would at least ask.

I think I would pay a visit to the local police and explain that with him putting his foot as a way to block you from closing the door and ask for a deputy to be sitting in front of your house. Or can you exchange at the police station?

If he wants to play games like that - I'd want a witness. XH was a good boy when XSO was around. NW was for about 5 years, then she couldn't keep the crazy from leaking out the broken parts-it wasn't pretty.

Hugs, it is frightening.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4817 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After the usual custody exchange shenanigans, he left his last text with "And have DD's stuff ready for me". (He has been trying to get some property from me, but I won't give it to him without going through lawyers.) The tone of the text said "I am going to try something"

When he dropped DD off, I pulled her right in the door and went to shut it. He put his foot in the door (exclusive use established). I told him to move it and he did. Then walked on my property to take pictures of the debris pile from the dissembling of a garden trellis he built.

Little Foggy. Be very careful.

So, I could have written these words after court two weeks ago. I got an email JUST like the one you described above. Most people would just think their exes were in a bad mood. I knew better. He was angry about the judge yelling him in court, and at the possibility of losing. Very scary angry - I just knew it from a one-sentence email. My radar went up.

The next day when he came to MY house for visitation, he was standing in the doorway and saw me walking up with groceries. He had a lacrosse stick in his hand. He turned his back to me and put the lax stick across the entire doorway so I couldn't enter. I forced myself to say, "Excuse me," and he slowly moved after a moment, saying something mocking under his breath.

Can you tell your attorney about it? Is there any way to move visitation so he can't come up to your front door????


Posts: 1562 | Registered: Oct 2011
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any way to record these exchanges?

If you fear for your safety please call your local domestic violence shelter, they can help with suggestions on ways to help keep yourself safe. Advise legal tactics etc. it's a phone call gathering information.

((((((CH))))))

((((((((Little Foggy)))))))


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4817 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((littlefoggy and ChoosingHope)))

I'm sorry your ex's are being scary!! Be safe above all else. Safety trumps etiquette. Always.

((((Tribe)))) I hope everyone has a good weekend.

I'm hoping to have exclusive use soon. Hoping...don't want to jinx it though...my DD (and the rest of us, for that matter) desperately needs things to start to be "normal". There's too much enmeshment with WH right now with his stuff still being here, him coming over, etc.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


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